Jef Costello Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 (edited) Hello all, My fiancee and I hade been engaged for three months. Thnigs have happened pretty quickly. We started dating around this time last year and I proposed to her last March. Things were going perfect until the engagement. Now please bear in mind that I am not living in U.S. and the engagement process in where I live is a pretty traditional one. The families get to know each other etc. During the engagement period my hands on approach (taking care of everything, constantly asking and minding how she feels) suffered a little bit because of the things I have witnessed on her and her family's part. But because of my passive aggresive approach (which I regret now) i didn't share this with her and instead of trying to find the reasons for her behaviour together, I began to act exactly like her (very childish, i know) and distanced her from me as each day went by. One time she even said "I don't know why I am acting this way even though I love you." and instead of saying "I don't know either. Let's figure it out." I said "It's OK. No problem for me, I love you" I was a bit slow on the wedding preperations as well and she and her family - I should add she is very comitted to them and gets easily influenced by them - got offended by that. Then one day while we were arguing about something that we would never argue about normally and she just said something like "I don't feel like we are a couple anymore, we are acting like we are in a war with each other" and gave me the ring back. At first I insisted that this was a very valuable relationship, we have waited to find each other for along time (we are 31) and we shouldn't waste this for these little things, but she was determined. Then I thought I should act instead of trying to convince her. I booked a wedding date, signed the contract and called her. Durnig this time a mutual friend told me that my fiancee was very worried about me and was wondering why I wasn't calling her anymore. After my preperations finished I called her. Surprisingly she refused to meet me in person because we were seperated it and there was no point. The conversation lasted 45 mins. Me telling her that I booked somewhere and that I was really determined to makes this work lasted about 5 mins. For the other 40 mins. I told her about my fears, my wishes, my goals in life and how they all included her. She began crying at some point and said "We would have to start all over. You know this, don't you?" which makes me believe she is still not sure about her decision to this day. Then she said she had to hang up and she would call me. Three days later she calls and says she appreciates my effort and she believes my sincerety but she thinks she wouldn't be able to trust me after seeing me neglecting her feelings all that time and it wouldn't work out. At this point I must point out that she likes to think of herself as an emotionally very disciplined person and I know for a fact that although she is very sad, she is proud of her decision and trying to convince herself that it's time to move on. If I wasn't aware of her fears or if I thought there was even a slightest chance that I couldn't fulfil her needs I wouldn't be this sad. Sometimes I wish I couldn't understand her at all. Then it would be easier for me. Thanks in advance for reading this and sharing your thoughts. I am especially looking forward to reading ladies' thoughts on this. Edited June 22, 2012 by Jef Costello Thread Title Change
MooBear Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 Hmm....so she's upset because she called off the engagement as she wasn't happy, and you went and booked the wedding...I can see the good intention you had - trying to show her how much you love her and want to be with her. BUT you disregarding her feelings about the relationship has obviously hurt her. It was a risky move. To be honest, I'm not sure how you can fix this. It's going to come down to her deciding to take you back. Give her space and don't push her. Allow her to miss you. Seeing as the families are involved, could you talk to her parents?
Radu Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 Hello all, My fiancee and I hade been engaged for three months. Thnigs have happened pretty quickly. We started dating around this time last year and I proposed to her last March. Things were going perfect until the engagement. Now please bear in mind that I am not living in U.S. and the engagement process in where I live is a pretty traditional one. The families get to know each other etc. During the engagement period my hands on approach (taking care of everything, constantly asking and minding how she feels) suffered a little bit because of the things I have witnessed on her and her family's part. But because of my passive aggresive approach (which I regret now) i didn't share this with her and instead of trying to find the reasons for her behaviour together, I began to act exactly like her (very childish, i know) and distanced her from me as each day went by. One time she even said "I don't know why I am acting this way even though I love you." and instead of saying "I don't know either. Let's figure it out." I said "It's OK. No problem for me, I love you" I was a bit slow on the wedding preperations as well and she and her family - I should add she is very comitted to them and gets easily influenced by them - got offended by that. Then one day while we were arguing about something that we would never argue about normally and she just said something like "I don't feel like we are a couple anymore, we are acting like we are in a war with each other" and gave me the ring back. At first I insisted that this was a very valuable relationship, we have waited to find each other for along time (we are 31) and we shouldn't waste this for these little things, but she was determined. Then I thought I should act instead of trying to convince her. I booked a wedding date, signed the contract and called her. Durnig this time a mutual friend told me that my fiancee was very worried about me and was wondering why I wasn't calling her anymore. After my preperations finished I called her. Surprisingly she refused to meet me in person because we were seperated it and there was no point. The conversation lasted 45 mins. Me telling her that I booked somewhere and that I was really determined to makes this work lasted about 5 mins. For the other 40 mins. I told her about my fears, my wishes, my goals in life and how they all included her. She began crying at some point and said "We would have to start all over. You know this, don't you?" which makes me believe she is still not sure about her decision to this day. Then she said she had to hang up and she would call me. Three days later she calls and says she appreciates my effort and she believes my sincerety but she thinks she wouldn't be able to trust me after seeing me neglecting her feelings all that time and it wouldn't work out. At this point I must point out that she likes to think of herself as an emotionally very disciplined person and I know for a fact that although she is very sad, she is proud of her decision and trying to convince herself that it's time to move on. If I wasn't aware of her fears or if I thought there was even a slightest chance that I couldn't fulfil her needs I wouldn't be this sad. Sometimes I wish I couldn't understand her at all. Then it would be easier for me. Thanks in advance for reading this and sharing your thoughts. I am especially looking forward to reading ladies' thoughts on this. If she doesn't want to be with you, there is nothing you can do. From what you wrote of her, she doesn't sound like such a great person, i see at least 2 major flags : 1 - easily influenced by her family at 31 2 - gave you back the ring and then wanted you to call her ?; that is highly manipulative behaviour I think the whole thing with you getting the message of her wanting you to call was her way of validating her choice. After you called, she got on her soapbox and she had the 'normal' breakup. I think you will hear from her again in the future, she will send breadcrumbs your way ... but if she is truly like this, you would be a fool to take them. The best thing you can do right now is work on yourself, especially that passive-agressive part you mentioned. How long have the two of you been together and does any of you have kids ? What country are you guys from ?
Author Jef Costello Posted June 24, 2012 Author Posted June 24, 2012 (edited) Hmm....so she's upset because she called off the engagement as she wasn't happy, and you went and booked the wedding...I can see the good intention you had - trying to show her how much you love her and want to be with her. BUT you disregarding her feelings about the relationship has obviously hurt her. It was a risky move. To be honest, I'm not sure how you can fix this. It's going to come down to her deciding to take you back. Give her space and don't push her. Allow her to miss you. Seeing as the families are involved, could you talk to her parents? Hi Moobear, I am aware that I should give her space as any kind of effort on my part will push her even further but seeing her this determined hurts. She writes a blog which I checked out - I will never do this again - 10 days after our last contact and she has written things such as "life's great, we just have to be brave, our decisions make us who we are, etc." Most of my female friends say she's only trying to motivate herself as no one could get over a relationship this quick but still... I would talk to her mother who loves me very much and very sorry about my situation but I wouldn't count on her being discreet about our talk. I fear that the minute my fiancee hears that I talked to her mother she would be even more determined to stay away from me. Edited June 24, 2012 by Jef Costello
BB7 Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 Do not read her blog again. I would suggest that she knows that you will read it and has gone out of her way to portray herself as being happy and in control.
Radu Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 Hi Moobear, I am aware that I should give her space as any kind of effort on my part will push her even further but seeing her this determined hurts. She writes a blog which I checked out - I will never do this again - 10 days after our last contact and she has written things such as "life's great, we just have to be brave, our decisions make us who we are, etc." Most of my female friends say she's only trying to motivate herself as no one could get over a relationship this quick but still... I would talk to her mother who loves me very much and very sorry about my situation but I wouldn't count on her being discreet about our talk. I fear that the minute my fiancee hears that I talked to her mother she would be even more determined to stay away from me. You need to decide what is the most important thing right now for yourself. Because if this your own happiness, then you will remove the possibility of the two of you getting back together from the future. You will not rely on it, you will not daydream of it, you will not hope for it On the other hand, if the most important thing is to kiss her ass when she just kicked you in the nuts, by all means ... continue on this path.
hk_1 Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 Completely agree with Rado, I think she changed her mind at the last minute (her family influence), it has nothing to do with you, do not let others send you to a guilt trip just because they want to get rid of you. You will get something much better.
Author Jef Costello Posted June 24, 2012 Author Posted June 24, 2012 If she doesn't want to be with you, there is nothing you can do. From what you wrote of her, she doesn't sound like such a great person, i see at least 2 major flags : 1 - easily influenced by her family at 31 2 - gave you back the ring and then wanted you to call her ?; that is highly manipulative behaviour I think the whole thing with you getting the message of her wanting you to call was her way of validating her choice. After you called, she got on her soapbox and she had the 'normal' breakup. I think you will hear from her again in the future, she will send breadcrumbs your way ... but if she is truly like this, you would be a fool to take them. The best thing you can do right now is work on yourself, especially that passive-agressive part you mentioned. How long have the two of you been together and does any of you have kids ? What country are you guys from ? We are from Turkey, Unlike in another muslim country we can live our relationships quite freely. Have sex, stay at each other's place etc. but still the families play a big part when it comes to marriage decision. From my point of view, secret to a successful marrige is mostly about taking steps towards each other caharacter-wise, to be able to tolerate your loved ones small habits. She was very strict about what kind of lifestyle we would lead. Everything had to be on her terms. However all this personality of her surfaced after I proposed to her so instead of addressing the issue I just thought- or wished? - it was down to the pressure of getting married and leaving your familiy's house after all those years and it would all go back to normal once we got married as I saw examples like these in the past. As you said I need to work on myself but now I realized so should she. God knows how much I would love her to be with me right now or tell her how I feel about this situation but I am pretty sure it wouldn't work out unless she addresses her own issues by herself and not by hearing them from me. I guess should not contact her in anyway and hope that one day she realizes that what we had was too valuable not to work on. Thanks for your reply by the way.
Author Jef Costello Posted June 24, 2012 Author Posted June 24, 2012 Completely agree with Rado, I think she changed her mind at the last minute (her family influence), it has nothing to do with you, do not let others send you to a guilt trip just because they want to get rid of you. You will get something much better. Thank you all. That's what everyone says to me but loving someone is strange. It's too early for me to ignore what my heart says instead of listening to my brain. Still having difficulties sleeping and eating. I guess it's mainly because this is not some girlfriend who just slammed the the door and left me - never happened to me so maybe I shouldn't be so sure - but we were engaged I was so looking forward to spending a lifetime together. In a way that means your future plans are shattered. I know I haven't shown the perfect attitude about this marriage either but I repeatedly demonstrated that I was aware of the situation. I guess It was too late. In the end she just didn't want to show the effort as much as I did.
hk_1 Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 I can completely understand, I have been through a similar situation and even today its hard to forget though I have everything to be thankful for, a superb wife two beautiful kids and a gr8 life. Your emotions will give you a hard time but bro what everyone is saying is a sad truth, I can see a crack, she has gone, if you will try she will run away further from you, if she came back I dont think you will wholeheartedly be able to forgive her or trust her. At least I couldn't; I wish I could say something else but it will be a lie.
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