daveiscool Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 hi everyone, I read the following article: http://waitingtillma...had-sex-before/ So I've been with this girl for a month officially although we've been to and fro about our feelings for each other for the last six months. I knew my girl since the last 7 years as a friend, she is a year younger than me. She is very extrovert, vivacious, and expressive and I am introvert, silent and pensive. We met first when I was her trainer in a firm and it was her first job and I was her mentor of sorts. Since then she has always respected as a good friend and we went our own ways but still kept in touch. She had a boyfriend who was much older than her, and she did have a sexual relation with him. I had a girlfriend in college (ten years ago) for a year with whom the most I have done is hug and kissed, (it was a first time for both of us and we were really quite the amateurs Fast forward to a year and half ago, she was getting married to someone else as her parents had always objected to her being with her boyfriend who was older. She finally complied and broke up with her ex and married to someone else who was a virgin. Before when he asked her about her sexual past she lied to him and post marriage she broke the truth to him. Things went south pretty fast and within six months she was divorced. Throughout this period she used to call me n tell me everything, I advised her and used to listen to whatever she had to say. She got better got a good job and eventually got admission to this school where she is now at. She continued calling and talking to me for hours on end, sometimes all night. I naturally started developing feelings for her and I would tell her that we need to watch ourselves n make sure we didnt get things complicated from just being friends to more than that. We tried not talking to each other for specific time intervals but she would eventually always call n i wouldnt not pick up the call. At this point she meet someone at church and went out on one weekend and let herself go and they made out, she even told him about her feelings for me. She called me that day and told me about it, and for some reason I felt completely broken n really low, I admitted my feelings for her n she was very apologetic and sorry. So that was kind of how this started out. It was kind of sad that the event which lead us to openly admit our feelings was not ideal at least for me. Believing that it takes two to make it work, Ive been trying my best to initiate (mails, texts, topics of conversation), since I feel i must work on being more expressive and also doing it for her, for us, for our relationship and our future. She admits that even though she is extrovert, expressive and quite the go getter, she wants the man to be the initiatior. I take that as a challenge for my personal development. Two days ago, she asks how far we should go with naughty talk etc., I tell her that its been ten years and that part of me has really been well dormant and that I would go only as far as she is comfortable. She tells me that she will not have sex before marriage (to me) cause thats how she feels she can make up for her past. I tell her I respect her decision, I really do. We get comfortable, i tell her ho would embrace, hold her and kiss her and she tells me how good i make her feel. After that special time, she asks me to write her something naughty and romantic...I wrote her a story, and i let my imagination go wild (nothin nasty) and sent it to her. I did this and was so happy with myself because personally i felt i really went way out of my comfort zone to do what i did. The next morning she calls and tells me that she hopes I remember what she said about us having only after marriage. I tell of course I remember and whatever i said i wrote was just special and beautiful because i wanted her to feel that way. On a note i was not feeling physicall aroused per se as she was, maybe it was because i didnt ask her to say anything to me, maybe i should have but im confused about how i should express myself since this whole aspect is right out of the blue for me and Ive no idea what it feels like to have had sex and all the emotions that come with it, i just have my imagination.... After this, I find myself feeling mixed emotions, because i feel i have given a lot of myself emotionally and the fact that we are long distance really hurts since ive let myself go, the natural feelings of wanting physical intimacy come in too (not sex necessarily), i dont know, I dont want to expect but is it ok to expect something from her, or tell her something, please advise me people, i feel confused.....
TMichaels Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 (edited) So I've been with this girl for a month officially although we've been to and fro about our feelings for each other for the last six months. You posted in another forum on LS that you ended things with this person, deleted her from Skype and FB, etc. in May. Not true, apparently? She had a boyfriend who was much older than her, and she did have a sexual relation with him. I had a girlfriend in college (ten years ago) for a year with whom the most I have done is hug and kissed, (it was a first time for both of us and we were really quite the amateurs... Fast forward to a year and half ago, she was getting married to someone else as her parents had always objected to her being with her boyfriend who was older. She finally complied and broke up with her ex and married to someone else who was a virgin. Before when he asked her about her sexual past she lied to him and post marriage she broke the truth to him. Things went south pretty fast and within six months she was divorced. How old are you two and all others involved? Though I realize there are some people that refrain from sex before marriage due to religious/moral convictions, it's highly unusual these days that people remain virgins until they marry and to end a marriage because you ended up with "damaged goods" is pretty parochial and immature. The fact a person *lied* (about their sexual history or anything) *is not* a good basis for any relationship, however. TBH, that's a more troubling proclivity and telling indication of who your friend really is than anything. BTW, highly unlikely your friend had "a sexual relation" with her longtime older bf. Pretty good odds that sex was part of their on-going relationship and not a "one-off" thing no matter if that's what she told you or not. I naturally started developing feelings for her and I would tell her that we need to watch ourselves n make sure we didnt get things complicated from just being friends to more than that. We tried not talking to each other for specific time intervals but she would eventually always call n i wouldnt not pick up the call. I don't understand this "we need to watch ourselves and make sure things didn't get complicated" bit. Why the need to be so "guarded?" What are you afraid of? What's the reason for drawing that line in the sand? Throughout this period she used to call me n tell me everything, I advised her and used to listen to whatever she had to say. She got better got a good job and eventually got admission to this school where she is now at. She continued calling and talking to me for hours on end, sometimes all night... At this point she meet someone at church and went out on one weekend and let herself go and they made out, she even told him about her feelings for me. She called me that day and told me about it, and for some reason I felt completely broken n really low, I admitted my feelings for her n she was very apologetic and sorry... She admits that even though she is extrovert, expressive and quite the go getter, she wants the man to be the initiatior.... Two days ago, she asks how far we should go with naughty talk etc., I tell her that its been ten years and that part of me has really been well dormant and that I would go only as far as she is comfortable. She tells me that she will not have sex before marriage (to me) cause thats how she feels she can make up for her past. I tell her I respect her decision, I really do. We get comfortable, i tell her ho would embrace, hold her and kiss her and she tells me how good i make her feel. After that special time, she asks me to write her something naughty and romantic...I wrote her a story, and i let my imagination go wild (nothin nasty) and sent it to her. I did this and was so happy with myself because personally i felt i really went way out of my comfort zone to do what i did. The next morning she calls and tells me that she hopes I remember what she said about us having only after marriage. I tell of course I remember and whatever i said i wrote was just special and beautiful because i wanted her to feel that way. On a note i was not feeling physicall aroused per se as she was, maybe it was because i didnt ask her to say anything to me, maybe i should have but im confused about how i should express myself since this whole aspect is right out of the blue for me and Ive no idea what it feels like to have had sex and all the emotions that come with it, i just have my imagination.... Okay, bucko. Since you've been doing some online research you might also want to take a few minutes to read this and see if any of it sounds familiar, because from what you've described it certainly rings a bell with me. After this, I find myself feeling mixed emotions, because i feel i have given a lot of myself emotionally and the fact that we are long distance really hurts since ive let myself go, the natural feelings of wanting physical intimacy come in too (not sex necessarily), i dont know, I dont want to expect but is it ok to expect something from her, or tell her something, please advise me people, i feel confused..... Yes, I can understand why you are confused. Quite honestly if I were you, I'd tell her you wish her all the luck in the world and send her on her way. It sounds to me like "your friend" has some serious issues of her own and is playing you like a fiddle. She uses you for a shoulder to lean on when her life's a mess and as a confessional when "she's been bad." She tells you that she's had sex with other men, then "makes it all better" by telling you that she told the guy she slept with *she* has feelings *for you.* She tells you she won't have sex before marriage (with you) as some sort of atonement for her past sins but then primes the pump, so to speak, to the point where she's convinced you it's okay to send her sexually-charged "love messages" and then admonishes you afterward about how you both promised to "be pure." Doesn't this all sound a bit manipulative, self-absorbed and alarming to you? It should. In fact, bells should be ringing LOUDLY in your head right now and you should heed them and quit being a willing pawn in this woman's game. She's playing with your feelings, lack of experience, and generosity. You're nothing more than a validation and absolution tool for her. That's not your job and not the way you deserve to be thought of or treated by anyone -- especially someone you want to build a future with. My advice would be to cut all ties with her and spend some time getting out there and getting some experience under your belt with other women who are interested *in you* rather than how useful you can be to their lives -- unless your goal in life is to be nothing more than someone's "boy toy" 'cause I'm afraid that's what you are to her and always will be. Best, TMichaels Edited June 22, 2012 by TMichaels
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