M30USA Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 By taker, I mean she is ALWAYS trying to push people to give her as much as possible. If she gets you to give her something or do something for her, she will then get more empowered to push for more--instead of thanking you and backing off like most people. To get specific, I have counted probably over 100 text messages from her in the last 4 months since our separation which pertain to me giving her something from my house, me letting her see the children at a time when it's my week, or me giving her some of the clothes that I have at my house which the children wear. It's a never-ending request from her for more and more. And especially at a time when we're involved in an unstable separation, is that all she can think about? Baby clothes and shoes? She constantly asks me for this shirt, that pair of shoes, etc. I even allowed her to visit briefly with the children on MY day because she was in town. I figured I'd be nice. Turns out the next day she just asked me AGAIN! I never cease to be astonished at how much she tries to milk people. Any advice on dealing with this? Can you even be in a marriage with someone like this?
jaymz Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 Boundarys. You need to decide on yours and then start enforcing them. Another poster on here, cant remember who, advised "training" your ex into what is acceptable behaviour and what isnt. My STBXW played games with timings as well. I told her that my time with the kids is my time no matter what. after a few bumps (mainly her screaming about how selfish I am etc) we have settled into a routine with the kids. Now she is battling me on other things....
Author M30USA Posted June 22, 2012 Author Posted June 22, 2012 Boundarys. You need to decide on yours and then start enforcing them. Another poster on here, cant remember who, advised "training" your ex into what is acceptable behaviour and what isnt. My STBXW played games with timings as well. I told her that my time with the kids is my time no matter what. after a few bumps (mainly her screaming about how selfish I am etc) we have settled into a routine with the kids. Now she is battling me on other things.... I wouldn't even THINK to keep asking a person for more and more, seeing how far I can push into their territory, etc. Some people just don't understand basic concepts like personal space. These people are a nightmare to be in a relationship with. As much as I have my faults, disrespecting people's space and constantly demanding from them is not one of them.
jwi71 Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 By taker, I mean she is ALWAYS trying to push people to give her as much as possible. If she gets you to give her something or do something for her, she will then get more empowered to push for more--instead of thanking you and backing off like most people. To get specific, I have counted probably over 100 text messages from her in the last 4 months since our separation which pertain to me giving her something from my house, me letting her see the children at a time when it's my week, or me giving her some of the clothes that I have at my house which the children wear. It's a never-ending request from her for more and more. And especially at a time when we're involved in an unstable separation, is that all she can think about? Baby clothes and shoes? She constantly asks me for this shirt, that pair of shoes, etc. I even allowed her to visit briefly with the children on MY day because she was in town. I figured I'd be nice. Turns out the next day she just asked me AGAIN! I never cease to be astonished at how much she tries to milk people. Any advice on dealing with this? Can you even be in a marriage with someone like this? I am going to presume that D is inevitable here. I would invite your stbxw for lunch. To help settle some things that need to be settled. And it's preferred to do this in person so you can read body language and alter presentation as needed. Essentially, as was mentioned, you set the boundaries and train her on how she is (and in what situations) she is to contact you. I would politely, but firmly, explain that with two separate households that each parent is required to maintain separate wardrobes, medicine stocks, toys and etc. Furthermore, it's not fair to you to continually field requests for whatever by her. If she wants or needs <whatever> she can drive her happy azz to the store and buy it. Reiterate that if she needs to talk about a custody schedule (perhaps an exception to established pattern), talk about child's school or sickness - she is free to call anytime. Otherwise, she isn't to call. Obviously, a cherished stuffed toy or the like is something the child can and should haul back and forth. It is unreasonable for her to expect you to make "your stash" of childhood accoutrements available to her at her request. She needs to buy her own. She won't be pleased. And, when she calls about coming over or getting whatever, remind her of what you said at lunch and refuse. Don't get angry. Just refuse. If she wants to yell and scream and call you names, hang up. She doesn't get to treat you like that. In essence, you are setting out your boundaries and then enforcing them. It also serves as a training period for her. She'll figure it out.
Author M30USA Posted June 22, 2012 Author Posted June 22, 2012 She lives with her parents right now who are very well off. She can get whatever she wants. Which was a problem all along because her dad was practically an in-house slave to them and was ordered around, always buying this and that. So the fact that she keeps asking me for piddle items at my house makes me believe she's just trying to maintain control over me in some warped way.
jwi71 Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 She lives with her parents right now who are very well off. She can get whatever she wants. Which was a problem all along because her dad was practically an in-house slave to them and was ordered around, always buying this and that. So the fact that she keeps asking me for piddle items at my house makes me believe she's just trying to maintain control over me in some warped way. Then don't allow it - read my earlier post to you.
Author M30USA Posted June 22, 2012 Author Posted June 22, 2012 The problem, though, is I think she might try to be stacking a bunch of evidence against me to say I'm an uncooperative coparent. I know her little trifles in her mind make her think that, and I know it's BS the judge would blow off, but it still like dealing with a dripping faucet.
jwi71 Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 The problem, though, is I think she might try to be stacking a bunch of evidence against me to say I'm an uncooperative coparent. I know her little trifles in her mind make her think that, and I know it's BS the judge would blow off, but it still like dealing with a dripping faucet. It's highly unlikely that you refusing to hand over a shirt or shoes or allow her to come visit during YOUR custody will reflect poorly on you in any sense, moral or legal. Call your attorney and ask if those actions I suggest put you in legal danger. And while you are at it, ask your lawyer to draw up a cease and desist letter for her continual contacts - its borderline harassment. Or not. But nothings gonna change if you change nothing.
2sunny Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 You are ALLOWED to tell her NO! Every request that's not outlined in the court papers - just say no. You will train her how to treat you. Right now you have trained her to ask - and you will say yes. So she figures she just asks for more because you will probably say yes. So stop saying yes. Tell her no to every little request.
Author M30USA Posted June 24, 2012 Author Posted June 24, 2012 You are ALLOWED to tell her NO! Every request that's not outlined in the court papers - just say no. You will train her how to treat you. Right now you have trained her to ask - and you will say yes. So she figures she just asks for more because you will probably say yes. So stop saying yes. Tell her no to every little request. I've realized that, regardless of what happens in future (divorce or reconciliation), I'm done being her slave and taking orders from her.
Radu Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 I've realized that, regardless of what happens in future (divorce or reconciliation), I'm done being her slave and taking orders from her. I suspect that at the end of this, the one you will get bonus points with will be her father.
Author M30USA Posted June 24, 2012 Author Posted June 24, 2012 I suspect that at the end of this, the one you will get bonus points with will be her father. I'm assuming you're being sarcastic? Her dad probably isn't happy right now, having to pay for her living in his house. She wasn't awarded alimony or child support in the temporary orders. They petitioned to receive just about everything I had, but only was awarded the car which I'm still paying for. So her dad can't be too happy.
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