men, intimacy and emotions

[mesmerized]

So we all know about how common it is for women to fall for guys they are having sex with, even if casual and we also know that (correct me if I'm wrong, and no, virgins can't comment) most men are very much able to have sex with a woman tens of times without getting any kind of deeper feeling for her. Now my question is, if intimate sexual acts doesn't make guys feel bonding/loving emotions, then what does??? giving them a 3 course meal? :lmao:I'm kind of confused about men and their emotional side, specially men older than 25. To me it seems like younger guys are more affected by emotions and are more likely to fall for a woman. The older they get, the less they care and feel.

 

Thoughts? I'd rather hear from men with some kind of sex/relationship experience than guys without it.

[MrCastle]

Since younger guys are by nature, less experienced, of course they put a higher emphasis on getting laid, thus being more emotional/falling in love easier.

 

When you talk about 25+, we're talking about men now who are more experienced, and sex simply isn't the end all, be all. They want a woman with a fleshed out personality.

 

My guess is some young/immature women think all they need to do is be hot/put out and that will carry them. In the short term it might, in the long term, men want women with a fleshed out personality just like women want from their men.

[mesmerized]

Since younger guys are by nature, less experienced, of course they put a higher emphasis on getting laid, thus being more emotional/falling in love easier.

 

When you talk about 25+, we're talking about men now who are more experienced, and sex simply isn't the end all, be all. They want a woman with a fleshed out personality.

 

My guess is some young/immature women think all they need to do is be hot/put out and that will carry them. In the short term it might, in the long term, men want women with a fleshed out personality just like women want from their men.

 

I agree that older guys care more about personality but I don't think that is the reason they can't fall for a woman. I think they just have a more numb emotional side...I know part of it is related biology, hormones etc.

 

A lot of guys have told me that once a man a lot of sexual experience, it gets harder for them to see women as something more, someone to love...

[Bristolius]

Mesmerized wrote: ...most men are very much able to have sex with a woman tens of times without getting any kind of deeper feeling for her...

 

 

I think your punishment in the afterlife should be to spend the first million years interviewing men, one by one, until you've actually met most men.

[Woggle]

By the time men reach a certain age they have usually had their heart stomped on and once a man has his heart shredded many are very reluctant to give it a woman again. They develop a coldness towards women and don't want to get hurt again.

 

As much as I love my wife I know I don't have that innocent love that doesn't hold back that I had my first wife. I hate myself for being this way but sometimes asking a man who had been betrayed to feel that way over a woman is like asking a kid to believe in Santa Claus again. When men are betrayed in many ways it does ruin them for all other women.

 

What makes men fall in love is when we meet a woman who really seems to treat us well and who we can picture as wife or commitment material. It is easy as hell for any decent woman to get laid so it doesn't impress a man therefore sex does not make us fall in love. I do not judge sexual woman but simply saying yes does not scream wife or gf material. It has to go much deeper than that.

[Ruby Slippers]

I do not judge sexual woman but simply saying yes does not scream wife or gf material. It has to go much deeper than that.

Personally, I think a man is most likely to fall for a woman who connects with him beyond the physical - mental, emotional, and spiritual - and gives him a feeling of confidence that he has what it takes to make her happy.

 

Not having sex right away allows time for these deeper layers to open up. And the sex is way better when you're connecting on all those levels. When it's just physical, most men are just trying to get off. He doesn't love the woman, so it's basically an animal act, not one rooted in the higher nature.

[Badsingularity]

Men with options, fall in love, get close, and let down their walls, with women who understand men and accept them for who they are.

Edited June 22, 2012 by Badsingularity

[Ninjainpajamas]

For me, It's just an emotional thing I don't intend to control. It just happens, something sparks and clicks that doesn't click like that with just everyone else.

 

When I meet someone, and connect on several levels and feel like I've known them for much longer than I really have, I feel extremely comfortable and they seem to completely be on my wave length and It's like I don't even need to say anything to them I can already tell so much by the look in their eyes...I know there's just something about them that Is going to make me feel connected...those are the situations where I would really start to worry and may consider even running away from.

 

When men meet a woman, they can kind of already tell what impact this woman can have on them emotionally. Where as women try and connect with different types of men seeing what happens or clicks, they're kind of more open-minded and dynamic. I think men have a better sense of what they're looking for and willing to sacrifice to get it, instead of just feeling connected to a woman just for sleeping with her and experiencing a level of emotional intimacy. Nothing she can do can change that, it has to touch him emotionally.

 

I think contrary to popular belief, men do feel a lot more than women give them credit for, men are just better at hiding it and ignoring, tucking it deep down where it can't really get to them but all men have feelings, in fact I find most men sensitive about the little things from my perspective...I've not known too many men that were stone cold, they were just being selfish and a woman was making herself easily accessible and available and most guys will have trouble taking the bait If she's an attractive woman. The woman will think she is pulling a man in and making a great catch where the man is thinking "well this is going to be a great sexual yet casual experience"...then when the fire gets to hot then you pull the plug.

 

Plus when you hear these men talk, they're not always so disconnected and unafflicted, sometimes they very much are they just got something going on with someone else, their ex's, some other issue that's blocking them...I see a lot of guys juggle love interest and they typically have to choose one believe it or not at some point...that's why a lot of these guys drop off the face of the earth on women that I've seen.

 

But this definitely doesn't speak for all, even the guys who catch feelings were usually going in it for physical reasons only, most weren't expecting to like a girl so much or develop emotions...they thought at first sight it was just someone they wanted to sleep with and that's that.

 

Personally, even though I've acted cold and distant in my past...a lot of it has affected me to be quite honest...I'm probably a great degree more romantically sensitive in some ways than other men...that's usually represented in my desire to build an emotional bond before physical, even though having a very high sex drive. I see getting laid as too simplistic, not something very fulfilling and I don't let it sex drive control me and I'll still turn someone down for sex even in that moment, and I'd even turn a woman down If I could tell she was really into me but I'd be experiencing intimacy for different reasons than she would and I know she'd get too swept away (typically with younger/inexperienced women)...and I didn't believe it at first when I was younger but good sex can attach a woman to you...a lot. I think women enjoy good lovers even If they'd rather have a commitment, I think they'd rather experience that level of intimacy than not have it all and be single and sleep with who knows who.

 

Let's just say I've tried to stray away from my physical desires/needs, to keep me out of trouble and mistakes of the past. Plus I'm a big emotional connector, so that presents it's own problems as it is.

 

So I would say the opposite is true for me, the more physical I am nowadays the harder it is for me to emotionally get away from it...I end up caring and bonding too much, I'm too affectionate, I get too close...I don't know how to just treat someone like a piece of meat then disappear like they were nothing. Plus that's not what is so satisfying about being with a woman anyway, the physical just represents what I feel on the inside and exudes it, It's like one big language.

 

I'm not going to say this is new and It's because of getting older, I always had that streak to me, I think I just learned how to experience intimacy in different ways. But sometimes I've been surprised by the women that have affected me...because they weren't even supposed to be anything profound...but it doesn't mean I didn't walk away from it. And they might have never known I was ever even deeply affected, and I didn't control that...because my choice would have been for them not to have done so.

 

So I'd say emotions, when you can get a man to feel...not just kinda care or be concerned and do all these little gestures that you want to take and run with as proof...women judge completely from the wrong things, anything obvious is not worth half as much as something a guy would feel without even expressing it or he wouldn't want to..it's these subtle, genuine, under the surface emotions that affect a man that really changes the way he looks at you...and for that to happen you've just to be the right girl, something that makes you different and that he can't control the way he feels...you can't pry that out of a man.

 

Get under a mans armor, he feels something, lets his wall down, feels understood and accepted are huge and is amazed...that's huge.

Edited June 22, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas

[carhill]

Now my question is, if intimate sexual acts doesn't make guys feel bonding/loving emotions, then what does??? giving them a 3 course meal? :lmao:I'm kind of confused about men and their emotional side, specially men older than 25. To me it seems like younger guys are more affected by emotions and are more likely to fall for a woman. The older they get, the less they care and feel.

 

I'm usually pretty bonded before sexual acts take place but that's a particular style and generally outlier to 'normal' male bonding behaviors.

 

Hmm.... my opinion would be that, when a man observes a woman showing loyalty, both in the bedroom and outside of it, and when she doesn't step on his gradual showing of his 'belly', his vulnerable insides, she becomes imprinted in his psyche as a 'safe' person to be vulnerable and emotional with, consistent with his style of vulnerability and emotion.

 

The older we get, the more that belly gets stepped on, or driven over, so we learn to 'care less', much as a scar develops over a wound. In some ways, the thickening flesh desensitizes the area. In the case of our emotions, and I can speak from personal experience, a 'disconnection' can take place, presuming the man was integrated emotionally and psychologically prior. I note the phenomenon to be akin to being an 'observer', viewing events and interactions dispassionately.

 

Obviously, each man is unique. Myself, had I developed a more dispassionate style at a younger age, I likely wouldn't revel in being alone like I do now. I've had enough tire tracks on the belly for one lifetime. YMMV>

[FitChick]

So Ninja, are you Scorpio or Virgo?

Edited June 22, 2012 by FitChick

[Ninjainpajamas]

So Ninja, are you Scorpio or Virgo?

 

Scorgo

 

Ok..fine, just a Virgo.

 

I'm not really ultra-familiar with signs or anything, but I know the basics and it sounds for the most part right from what I've heard/read.

 

Is this where you go..."Ahah, now that explains everything!"?

[mesmerized]

Personally, even though I've acted cold and distant in my past...a lot of it has affected me to be quite honest...I'm probably a great degree more romantically sensitive in some ways than other men...that's usually represented in my desire to build an emotional bond before physical, even though having a very high sex drive. I see getting laid as too simplistic, not something very fulfilling and I don't let it sex drive control me and I'll still turn someone down for sex even in that moment, and I'd even turn a woman down If I could tell she was really into me but I'd be experiencing intimacy for different reasons than she would and I know she'd get too swept away (typically with younger/inexperienced women)...and I didn't believe it at first when I was younger but good sex can attach a woman to you...a lot. I think women enjoy good lovers even If they'd rather have a commitment, I think they'd rather experience that level of intimacy than not have it all and be single and sleep with who knows who.

 

Good sex certainly can attach a woman. Great sex is rare to come by and once you have it, you tend to fall for the guy. That was kind of my point in the thread too...At least a man knows that if he gives amazing sex he can spark feelings in women but as a woman, great sex probably won't get you anywhere because men don't look at sex as something emotional in the first place. It's just strange and makes me wonder what makes a man feel something then??

 

Let's just say I've tried to stray away from my physical desires/needs, to keep me out of trouble and mistakes of the past. Plus I'm a big emotional connector, so that presents it's own problems as it is.

 

So I would say the opposite is true for me, the more physical I am nowadays the harder it is for me to emotionally get away from it...I end up caring and bonding too much, I'm too affectionate, I get too close...I don't know how to just treat someone like a piece of meat then disappear like they were nothing. Plus that's not what is so satisfying about being with a woman anyway, the physical just represents what I feel on the inside and exudes it, It's like one big language.

 

You really can't compare yourself with other men ninja. You're probably more emotionally intelligent than most women let alone men!

 

I'm not going to say this is new and It's because of getting older, I always had that streak to me, I think I just learned how to experience intimacy in different ways. But sometimes I've been surprised by the women that have affected me...because they weren't even supposed to be anything profound...but it doesn't mean I didn't walk away from it. And they might have never known I was ever even deeply affected, and I didn't control that...because my choice would have been for them not to have done so.

 

This is interesting and you're right. Maybe men sometimes just hide their emotions very well? I always believed the opposite though. I always believed men can't hide their emotions and if they really like you, it's going to be very obvious...

 

So I'd say emotions, when you can get a man to feel...not just kinda care or be concerned and do all these little gestures that you want to take and run with as proof...women judge completely from the wrong things, anything obvious is not worth half as much as something a guy would feel without even expressing it or he wouldn't want to..it's these subtle, genuine, under the surface emotions that affect a man that really changes the way he looks at you...and for that to happen you've just to be the right girl, something that makes you different and that he can't control the way he feels...you can't pry that out of a man.

 

Get under a mans armor, he feels something, lets his wall down, feels understood and accepted are huge and is amazed...that's huge.

 

I feel that most men (specially older ones) don't care to see anything lovable in women anymore. I mean let's face it, most of us aren't absolutely unique. We all have differences, but they are often not too profound and sometimes subtle. If you're open to love, you can even adore these subtle differences and if you're not, you just never see anything special about the people you're dating and therefore don't fall for them. Makes sense?

[SmileFace]

So we all know about how common it is for some/most women to fall for guys they are having sex with, even if casual and we also know that (correct me if I'm wrong, and no, virgins can't comment) some men are very much able to have sex with a woman tens of times without getting any kind of deeper feeling for her. Now my question is, if intimate sexual acts doesn't make guys feel bonding/loving emotions, then what does??? giving them a 3 course meal? :lmao:I'm kind of confused about men and their emotional side, specially men older than 25. To me it seems like younger guys are more affected by emotions and are more likely to fall for a woman. The older they get, the less they care and feel.

 

Thoughts? I'd rather hear from men with some kind of sex/relationship experience than guys without it.

I corrected it for you.

[mesmerized]

I'm usually pretty bonded before sexual acts take place but that's a particular style and generally outlier to 'normal' male bonding behaviors.

 

Hmm.... my opinion would be that, when a man observes a woman showing loyalty, both in the bedroom and outside of it, and when she doesn't step on his gradual showing of his 'belly', his vulnerable insides, she becomes imprinted in his psyche as a 'safe' person to be vulnerable and emotional with, consistent with his style of vulnerability and emotion.

 

This is a great insight! Never thought about it this way...

 

The older we get, the more that belly gets stepped on, or driven over, so we learn to 'care less', much as a scar develops over a wound. In some ways, the thickening flesh desensitizes the area. In the case of our emotions, and I can speak from personal experience, a 'disconnection' can take place, presuming the man was integrated emotionally and psychologically prior. I note the phenomenon to be akin to being an 'observer', viewing events and interactions dispassionately.

 

Obviously, each man is unique. Myself, had I developed a more dispassionate style at a younger age, I likely wouldn't revel in being alone like I do now. I've had enough tire tracks on the belly for one lifetime. YMMV>

 

This I don't quite agree with. I don't think it's necessarily emotional scars that makes men emotionally numb...Like I said, guys have told me that just too much sex itself can make them numb to emotions, go figure!

[carhill]

Depends on their style, generally a composite of socialization and life experiences.

 

Their sexual experience and relevant effects on/ appurtenance to emotion doesn't exist in a vacuum. It's a continuum, starting from a very young age when they first learn how their wiener works and play 'doctor' with a girl.

 

Hopefully you'll get more responses. Most of my male friends, generally withing ten years of my age, got to where I am at some earlier point in life and usually as a result of one or more painful relationship experiences. To be honest, I've seen some of them put up with things in their M's that I never would. Why? They disconnect from it. Some even say they do, and explain how the style came about. The scar tissue is a lot more resilient than virgin flesh or a scab.

 

I prefer to live completely true to my emotional style, so right now that means living alone. I didn't like how the experiences of the past obviated my socialization and created the person I became, so I made choices to change that. Other men follow their own path.

 

guys have told me that just too much sex itself can make them numb to emotions

As a man, in my 53, I've never heard that from another man, and I've had some pretty close male friends in my lifetime, close enough where we say 'I love you' and the bellies are pretty bare. Just a different experience, I guess, and it just occurred that such men, whom I trust do exist, would have little common ground to find me as a valued friend anyway, so it works out. Edited June 22, 2012 by carhill

[gaius]

Every man has a dynamic that he's looking for. Meet that dynamic and he'll fall in love with you. Don't meet it and he'll sleep with you if you're attractive enough. Or even if you're not in some cases.

 

My step father for example. He grew up with a bossy, controlling mother who tried to micromanage him so he fell in love with a bossy, controlling woman and married her. Still puts up with endless crap from her today even though they are divorced. I'm stuck with an even worse dynamic.

[SJC2008]

So we all know about how common it is for women to fall for guys they are having sex with, even if casual and we also know that (correct me if I'm wrong, and no, virgins can't comment) most men are very much able to have sex with a woman tens of times without getting any kind of deeper feeling for her. Now my question is, if intimate sexual acts doesn't make guys feel bonding/loving emotions, then what does??? giving them a 3 course meal? :lmao:I'm kind of confused about men and their emotional side, specially men older than 25. To me it seems like younger guys are more affected by emotions and are more likely to fall for a woman. The older they get, the less they care and feel.

 

Thoughts? I'd rather hear from men with some kind of sex/relationship experience than guys without it.

 

Every man is different so I'll speak for my self. The woman who is perfect for me is the one who will view a man as a man who is supposed to be strong but also realizes that we are humans and have feelings and need affection too. I have cried twice in my adult hood, both crises, one death one something else. I wouldn't want to cry in front of my gal but I would want to know if I did she would be there to console me and not be all like men don't cry and ****. I'm an affectionate man and like to cuddle which most women love but SOMETIMES I want to lay my head on your chest and you can hold me. Basically it boils down to acceptance, that's how intimacy starts.

[monkey00]

So we all know about how common it is for women to fall for guys they are having sex with, even if casual and we also know that (correct me if I'm wrong, and no, virgins can't comment) most men are very much able to have sex with a woman tens of times without getting any kind of deeper feeling for her. Now my question is, if intimate sexual acts doesn't make guys feel bonding/loving emotions, then what does??? giving them a 3 course meal? :lmao:I'm kind of confused about men and their emotional side, specially men older than 25. To me it seems like younger guys are more affected by emotions and are more likely to fall for a woman. The older they get, the less they care and feel.

 

Thoughts? I'd rather hear from men with some kind of sex/relationship experience than guys without it.

 

IME from what I've seen and especially amongst my friends, the guy tends to fall harder and faster for women initially. I wonder if it's because my guy friends tend to be typical nice guys.

 

A particular example of my 35 yo friend (who behaves like he's 20ish often), has a gf overseas and claims he wants to multi-date women here in the states. Most recently he met a woman from OLD that really likes him, all of a sudden he gets confused and has a mixed bag of emotions. He's starting to realize it and I am too that he might fall for this chick. He thinks this girl doesn't know what she wants but I know exactly what she wants and it's him but wants to play it cool and doesn't want to appear easy (even though they slept on the second date). Whenever he talks to me about her his vulnerable side comes out and it's just weird to see him like this. If she walked away one day, he would be heartbroken I can foresee. But I find his vulnerability to be based on the fact that he has a difficult time meeting women that want to date him (this is the first girl that actually likes him and he likes too), and he has been in a LDR for a very long time that the loneliness is eating away at him. So for him, age is not a factor. He's older than both his LD gf and this girl he's dating!

 

As others have said, being burned one too many times can turn our heart into stone. I've dated lots of girls since my breakup last year, most of them just first dates. But the constant disappointment and failures or lack of interest from prospects as days turn into weeks into months into years can turn the brightest and best person into a jaded cold person. Like Ninjapajamas, I feel like the best of me has been long gone since my first gf which was years ago. I wonder though if I'll ever feel the exact same way as I did back in the day for anyone else in the future.

 

Loneliness is the ultimate kryptonite for us all!

[Princess71]

When I meet someone, and connect on several levels and feel like I've known them for much longer than I really have, I feel extremely comfortable and they seem to completely be on my wave length and It's like I don't even need to say anything to them I can already tell so much by the look in their eyes...I know there's just something about them that Is going to make me feel connected...those are the situations where I would really start to worry and may consider even running away from.

 

Can you elaborate, please? Why would you worry and run away??

[RedRobin]

Having worked around all men my entire adult life, I know very well that they get connected through sex... many get just as connected through relationships or more because they don't often have other outlets (ie friends, family) for emotional connection.

 

The woman in their life is likely their sole source of emotional bonding. They can't show their emotions at work (except through anger or stony silence). They can't show it with their friends. That would be 'gay'.

 

So it probably isn't surprising that it takes more to get through some men's walls than it does for a woman. Women are granted the ability to be caring. Not only granted.. it is downright expected of them, 'or else'.

 

Anyway, I don't buy into alot of the gender stereotypes. I've seen one too many men break down in tears or almost do so when they thought noone was looking. I've observed men exhibit a tenderness towards their SO and children that rivals any woman's.

 

It is because of this observation that I have sympathy for, but do not spend time with, men who aren't in touch with their emotional side or who feel the need to distance themselves from women when they are intimate sexually.

 

By the time you get to a certain age, all of us have been betrayed and disappointed. I understand not opening up to everyone... but there is no excuse to lie, be mean, or use someone else's body for sexual gratification without indicating your intentions in advance. Man or woman.

[RedRobin]

I was trying to edit my earlier post... but someone else posted afterwards...

 

 

Edited: forgot the answer the OP's question I'm not a man, but, like I said.. have been around hundreds of men in many capacities.

 

What makes them bond? I suppose it really isn't that much different than what makes a woman bond. I don't believe all women bond with sex at all. Women are quite capable... even more capable of bonding with a man without sex. Which is why alot of men are very jealous of a woman's male friends.

[MrNate 2.0]

So we all know about how common it is for women to fall for guys they are having sex with, even if casual and we also know that (correct me if I'm wrong, and no, virgins can't comment) most men are very much able to have sex with a woman tens of times without getting any kind of deeper feeling for her. Now my question is, if intimate sexual acts doesn't make guys feel bonding/loving emotions, then what does??? giving them a 3 course meal? :lmao:I'm kind of confused about men and their emotional side, specially men older than 25. To me it seems like younger guys are more affected by emotions and are more likely to fall for a woman. The older they get, the less they care and feel.

 

Thoughts? I'd rather hear from men with some kind of sex/relationship experience than guys without it.

 

 

It really amazes me how many women take this for granted. Keep a man full, and he isn't going anywhere.

 

The tightness of a woman's vagina really won't stir my emotional side.

[MrNate 2.0]

Every man has a dynamic that he's looking for. Meet that dynamic and he'll fall in love with you. Don't meet it and he'll sleep with you if you're attractive enough. Or even if you're not in some cases.

 

Surely, it can't be this easy gaius.

[A O]

Now my question is, if intimate sexual acts doesn't make guys feel bonding/loving emotions, then what does??? giving them a 3 course meal?

Seems we’re talking about attraction, moving beyond surface level physical attraction and sex. What attracts men, bonds men, elicits emotions in men? Well, the answers to that question are many and varied and true for both men and women. It can be compatibility, being like-minded on a range of subjects, interests, behaviours, values and beliefs. Factor in a collection of similar life experiences and all that can engender a connection that’s extremely attractive to people. It can be a person’s mannerisms – how they move, react, laugh, how expressive they are and so on. It can be their core behaviours – how respectful, loyal, trusting, etc, they are. It might be their nature – how caring, how open, how humorous, how active they are and so forth. It might be one of these specifically, more than likely a combination of many of the above...or a choice of many, many more aspects that have yet to be mentioned.

 

Bottom line is the reasons are endless. It just happens that women are a little more prone to bonding via sex than men are. But overall, the reasons why we’re attracted, why we feel and bond towards another are many and varied. We choose, either on a conscious or sub-conscious level what will tickle our fancy but these fancies are applicable to both men and women alike.

.

[Ninjainpajamas]

When I meet someone, and connect on several levels and feel like I've known them for much longer than I really have, I feel extremely comfortable and they seem to completely be on my wave length and It's like I don't even need to say anything to them I can already tell so much by the look in their eyes...I know there's just something about them that Is going to make me feel connected...those are the situations where I would really start to worry and may consider even running away from.

 

Can you elaborate, please? Why would you worry and run away??

 

Because of the vulnerability of being into someone beyond your control. Basically being overwhelmed emotionally.

 

Sometimes men run away from the best catches because they'll have to change, they'll be emotionally moved/impacted...and that loss of control is fearful...I think men rather be with women they know they can control their emotions with at times. They're not necessarily like a lot of women just looking to fall for some man, as they are not generally the heart-on-sleeve types.

 

Some men are not ready for many reasons, career, personal, emotional, lifestyle choices and they'd rather push someone away or disconnect completely to save themselves from getting in too deep.

 

Women underestimate the emotional capacity of men with the right women or people they feel emotionally compelled with, like children, possibly family, etc..