grkBoy Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 Dear mods...please don't give me crap for posting a link. I'm not helping anyone but the guys here. Saw this today pop up, and it speaks of a lot of the "bitter nice guys". Read and discuss. The Not-So-Nice "Nice Guys" Of Online Dating I'm sure the women here have plenty of stories of men like the ones mentioned. 3
ThaWholigan Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 These articles have been written numerous times over the last 8 years - you'd think the message would reach some of these guys......but no...... There is a fundamental disconnect these days in how to attract women and what should attract women, and some guys seem to be missing the point. It's no use complaining about it, accept whatever it is and learn to adapt. I admit I sigh with disdain when I see the amount of complaints about how women are spoiled and have it easier and only date good looking guys etc. I don't deny that there are a significant portion of women out there who think like this, but I don't encounter this even half the time when I talk to people or observe my vast network. I never adhered to the nice guy stereotype but for about 2 weeks, after which I thought about it and thought "hell no, niceness has nothing to do with it". I thought about my attractiveness and how I presented myself. I thought about my behavior and how I was coming across. A whole bunch of variables, a bevy of dating information, and ASD diagnosis followed, after which I finally got it and what I needed to do. But first, I needed to not care so much, which was easy enough. Getting my life together was and still is more important. I don't take dating seriously anymore, as much as it greatly fascinates me, as the dynamics between people usually does these days, hence why I post on a site such as this. As a result, I feel better and more positive about dating. And hey, guess what? I am a nice guy . But I'm also a hell of a lot of other things. Labeling myself as a nice guy doesn't do me justice .
Cracker Jack Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 This article is seriously on the money. Reading it sorta makes me cringe, mainly because I was really like that at one point. Whenever a girl wasn't interested, instead of taking the letdown gracefully, what did I start telling myself? "She didn't want me because I'm a nice guy. Why wouldn't she give me a chance when I was clearly nice to her. She's only into the jerk type, but that's her problem. I swear, it's so tough being a nice guy now. All I did was show her how I nice I am and she doesn't want to even give me a chance?" Errr...you get the idea. My supposed "niceness" was all I brought to the table, and I had nothing else. Anytime something went wrong, I blamed it on my "niceness"--and whenever I thought about what it was I had to offer a woman, it was my "niceness", once again. I had to check myself and realized how much of a b***h I sounded like constantly referring to myself as a "nice guy" when I clearly wasn't. Most of these guys are really overdoing it, tho. It's quite painful to read.
ThaWholigan Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 This article is seriously on the money. Reading it sorta makes me cringe, mainly because I was really like that at one point. Whenever a girl wasn't interested, instead of taking the letdown gracefully, what did I start telling myself? "She didn't want me because I'm a nice guy. Why wouldn't she give me a chance when I was clearly nice to her. She's only into the jerk type, but that's her problem. I swear, it's so tough being a nice guy now. All I did was show her how I nice I am and she doesn't want to even give me a chance?" Errr...you get the idea. My supposed "niceness" was all I brought to the table, and I had nothing else. Anytime something went wrong, I blamed it on my "niceness"--and whenever I thought about what it was I had to offer a woman, it was my "niceness", once again. I had to check myself and realized how much of a b***h I sounded like constantly referring to myself as a "nice guy" when I clearly wasn't. Most of these guys are really overdoing it, tho. It's quite painful to read. At least the nice guys put themselves out there to an extent though, I give them that. Their approach (and their lives for that matter) need quite a bit of work. They are analogous to Robert Kiyosaki's caricatures in Rich Dad Poor Dad, the fearful people who play it safe and never take risks, and as a result are always broke, and always saying "the sky is falling" . I didn't give dating a 2nd thought until I started posting in Wrongplanet's love/dating forum end of last year. I was working on improving myself and my life, and I still am. I find it funny that guys think that they don't have to do that and that women should like them just for being nice, or they do it with the SOLE purpose of getting women. Bad idea. Either way, it's an old argument. An entertaining one, but it's been done. So has the "women have it easier, just give us a chance" argument. Guys should stop that, it's embarrassing in my opinion.
verhrzn Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 I admit, I used to feel lots of empathy for Nice Guys. Heck, I primarily dated men that skirted the line of "Nice Guy." But no more. I just can't feel sympathy for them anymore, especially when they turn around and ignore equally "nice" girls in favor of hot ones. So, nope, sorry, Nice Guys, you've lost at least one girl who had been willing to sleep with you, thanks to your whining/entitlement issues.
Cracker Jack Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 At least the nice guys put themselves out there to an extent though, I give them that. Their approach (and their lives for that matter) need quite a bit of work. They are analogous to Robert Kiyosaki's caricatures in Rich Dad Poor Dad, the fearful people who play it safe and never take risks, and as a result are always broke, and always saying "the sky is falling" . I didn't give dating a 2nd thought until I started posting in Wrongplanet's love/dating forum end of last year. I was working on improving myself and my life, and I still am. I find it funny that guys think that they don't have to do that and that women should like them just for being nice, or they do it with the SOLE purpose of getting women. Bad idea. Either way, it's an old argument. An entertaining one, but it's been done. So has the "women have it easier, just give us a chance" argument. Guys should stop that, it's embarrassing in my opinion. Yes, very old. And tiring. Most of the time it's not like the advice is being considered, anyway. I think what most guys need to focus on is simply being a good man, not a "nice guy". They'll be much more versatile in life. It took me a good while to realize that niceness wasn't the best bartering chip after a situation I had with a woman that left me confused. At that moment, I realized it (becoming a good man) was something that I needed to focus on for my own self-esteem and well-being. 1
Oxy Moronovich Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 The problem is these guys should stop thinking about relationships. Get sex first. Relationships later. 1
RedRobin Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 Gotta love this! "So, he needs a woman who is in good shape, is financially stable, laughs at all of his jokes, cooks him steak, can dress up or dress down, understands that he will do whatever he wants because he is a man, and he, in turn, will… not exercise, sleep with other women, blame her if she doesn’t find his jokes funny, let her pet his tortoise and perhaps allow her to sleep on his sweet futon. But he’s so Nice! Clearly if he doesn’t sound appealing, it’s because you want a douchebag." To paraphrase what another poster said upthread... I'd rather be with a 'good' person than a 'nice' person. Although, I'll say there is alot to be said for developing tact and diplomacy. Obviously not my forte (yet).
phineas Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 "a good indicator that you’ve spotted one is that he never whines about how women aren’t lining up to bang him because he held a door open." I don't know why, but I thought of that episode of friends when they had free porn & their view of reality was so warped they were discussing how astonished they were that random women they met on the street didn't want to have sex with them. LOL! also, I cringed. I've seen profiles from women with the same tones only referring to guys who just want sex. I should check out my competition on these sites for fun. I've had this theory about single women my age who never had kids or never married. They are massive flakes with serious baggage & their in the majority so ya gotta weed through them. Because I don't date men I never considered the flip-side of the coin. Which is "nice guys". I think i'm starting to understand why women I know who online date all refer to the majority of men who message them as looking like serial killers & illiterate. kinda funny.
phineas Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 These articles have been written numerous times over the last 8 years - you'd think the message would reach some of these guys......but no...... There is a fundamental disconnect these days in how to attract women and what should attract women, and some guys seem to be missing the point. It's no use complaining about it, accept whatever it is and learn to adapt. I admit I sigh with disdain when I see the amount of complaints about how women are spoiled and have it easier and only date good looking guys etc. I don't deny that there are a significant portion of women out there who think like this, but I don't encounter this even half the time when I talk to people or observe my vast network. I never adhered to the nice guy stereotype but for about 2 weeks, after which I thought about it and thought "hell no, niceness has nothing to do with it". I thought about my attractiveness and how I presented myself. I thought about my behavior and how I was coming across. A whole bunch of variables, a bevy of dating information, and ASD diagnosis followed, after which I finally got it and what I needed to do. But first, I needed to not care so much, which was easy enough. Getting my life together was and still is more important. I don't take dating seriously anymore, as much as it greatly fascinates me, as the dynamics between people usually does these days, hence why I post on a site such as this. As a result, I feel better and more positive about dating. And hey, guess what? I am a nice guy . But I'm also a hell of a lot of other things. Labeling myself as a nice guy doesn't do me justice . I'm nice to women who earn it by actually going out with me. I've just learned to disregard women who have nothing tangible to offer me. also, dropping a sheet-ton of weight and adding some muscle hasn't hurt either.
phineas Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 The problem is these guys should stop thinking about relationships. Get sex first. Relationships later. Guilty as charged. Very happy telling women this summer that I don't want anything "serious" and letting them make the decision.
RedRobin Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 Guilty as charged. Very happy telling women this summer that I don't want anything "serious" and letting them make the decision. Good you are honest.
jobaba Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 Meh... I've rarely complained that I don't get women because I'm a nice guy. My best friend is a nice guy, maybe a nicer guy than me (at least in a sense of what others think) and he's gotten tons of a@@... People also always say he looks like an actor. It's a simple world ladies and gents.
Titanwolf Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 Women will tell you what they "want" and the up and go for the complete opposite. They say they want nice men (blah blah blah) but biologically, they're repulsed by you lol you're the beta provider to them and this isn't even me being malicious, I haven't felt this honest in a long time. If you actually think about and READ what is written here, maybe you can learn not to put pu$$y on a pedestal. That is all.
AD1980 Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 As negative as i can be about not attracting women i NEVER was dumb enough to think it was because i was too nice.. I have plenty of "nice" friends who do well with women and are in loving marriages.. in my 32 years i know very few women who were truly into dbags and the few women who did were dbags themselves Bottom line is is takes more then being "nice" to attract somebody,i realized with my ugly looks it didnt matter if i was ghandhi it wouldnt make women magically attracted to me.. Niceness is not a bad trait to have and will not make women less attracted but they have to be attracted to your physical and other things first otherwise the niceness means nothing..
El Brujo Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 There are Niceguys , and there are decent guys. The problem is, we decent guys have stopped taking the initiative because we've had too many horror stories with women. When women finally decide they've had enough BS from the Niceguys, they can look us decent guys up anytime.
phineas Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 Good you are honest. Still spending precious therapy time on the forums I see.
RedRobin Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 Still spending precious therapy time on the forums I see. why pay for therapy when I have so many examples of what to avoid right here... ha ha anyway, sorry you have such a hard time taking a compliment. I thought it was a good thing that you were honest with the ladies you come across. *shrug*
fishtaco Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 Yup, like I mentioned in other threads before. Men -- don't be nice guys. Ladies - don't date nice guys. Being nice isn't a bad thing, as long as it's not an "I'm the victim" excuse. And for the rest of this post, by nice I mean true nice, not the I'm-the-victim nice. But, the truth is, nice has nothing to do with anything. It won't help you become more attractive romantically to women. Do women like nice guys? Sure, so do I, and I'm not gay. I don't want to bang nice guys, neither do women. But I like hanging out with them, same with women. Basically, nice is platonic. Nice will not trigger romantic feelings. Even when women claim they like men that are nice, they mean men they are ALREADY attracted to. It's just better when a man a woman is already attracted to is ALSO nice to her. So nice by itself, again, does nothing. What nice is however, is that it represents what you can negotiate with your own conscience. If you have a strict conscience, then be nicer, because if you don't, you'll feel bad. Outside of that inner dialog with your own conscience, nice has nothing to do with anything. 1
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