Struggling with my S/O's lack of spiritual beliefs

June 21, 2012

So I've been friends with this wonderful guy for years now. Since May, we have been practically inseparable and are starting to form a long-lasting relationship. He really is everything I could possibly want. He treats me wonderfully, is very genuine and affectionate, and we have wonderful chemistry. I feel all giddy all the time and I love it! We are actually going on a small vacation this weekend, just the two of us. Here's the ONLY problem and it's not something we've really talked a lot about:

I'm a devout christian and he is not. At all. In fact, there have been two occasions where he's said things regarding christianity that were so offensive my mouth dropped. This was way before we began "dating" and I told him that I really don't appreciate that and it was hurtful. He apologized and understood. I'm not the type of person to push my beliefs on someone and I really do respect how he feels. It doesn't impact our daily lives, but I know that one day it might and where I'm so crazy about him, I don't know if it's worth the risk. So has anyone been in this predicament before? How did you handle it? I've made it clear that my spiritual life is important to me, so he knows and as for now, I'm okay with keeping that part of our lives separate. I just couldn't marry someone who didn't have any sort of faith whatsoever, but that is a long way down the road, so should I even worry about that now? I really want to talk about it with him, but I'm not sure how to go about it

June 21, 2012

Your tolerance of his beliefs aren't going to make him tolerant of yours. At some point somethin's gonna give. I say go your separate ways now. You guys aren't compatible.

June 21, 2012

I just couldn't marry someone who didn't have any sort of faith whatsoever, but that is a long way down the road, so should I even worry about that now? I really want to talk about it with him, but I'm not sure how to go about it

Well, if you are sure that his lack of faith is a reason not to marry him, you should probably not start / continue a long-term relationship with him.

On the other hand, do you really want to exchange the happiness of being with the right, real person against the sadness of being alone, crying and praying?

June 21, 2012

Well, if you are sure that his lack of faith is a reason not to marry him, you should probably not start / continue a long-term relationship with him.

On the other hand, do you really want to exchange the happiness of being with the right, real person against the sadness of being alone, crying and praying?

That's the crossroad I'm at.

I'm only 21 and if something feels right I should just go for it. Who's to say we're even going to get married? That's a good 9-10 years away for me. It's just that possibility of it going down that road later that concerns me.

June 21, 2012

I'd say have a talk about this issue. See if you can find enough common ground on this particular issue. If not, better to go your separate ways.

Just because he does not share your faith, does not necessarily make him faithless. Even atheists can have deep faith. Just not in God.

June 21, 2012

That's the crossroad I'm at.
I'm only 21 and if something feels right I should just go for it. Who's to say we're even going to get married? That's a good 9-10 years away for me. It's just that possibility of it going down that road later that concerns me.

As you grow older, there's a good chance that your faith will not be as important to you anymore. However, being with the right person will most likely stay important to you all your life.

But it is a decision only you can make, and no advice will really help you. Still, I will give you mine: Being happy right now is more important than potential problems because of faith.

June 21, 2012

I just couldn't marry someone who didn't have any sort of faith whatsoever, but that is a long way down the road, so should I even worry about that now?

Yes, you should worry about it now. This is where you lay EMOTIONS aside and make decisions for yourself based on LOGIC.

You guys are fundamentally incompatible. Where is this relationship going? You said you won't marry someone who has no faith, so why waste more time on a relationship that is going nowhere?

I would tell him how you feel... "My faith is very important to me, and since you don't believe, I am not able to share a big part of myself with you. What do you think about that?"

Personally, I would just end it now. You don't want to end up accidentally pregnant, then have one parent who wants to raise the child in the church and one who doesn't.

June 21, 2012

On the other hand, do you really want to exchange the happiness of being with the right, real person against the sadness of being alone, crying and praying?

My argument against that is that he obviously isn't the RIGHT person, since they are incompatible spiritually.

And who knows - instead of being alone, sad, crying, and praying, letting go of him could free her to find someone who IS the right person who shares her beliefs and values.

June 21, 2012

So I've been friends with this wonderful guy for years now.
I'm a devout christian and he is not. At all. ......my spiritual life is important to me, so he knows and as for now, I'm okay with keeping that part of our lives separate. I just couldn't marry someone who didn't have any sort of faith whatsoever, but that is a long way down the road, so should I even worry about that now? I really want to talk about it with him, but I'm not sure how to go about it

Yes you damn well should worry about it now.

you're 21, and you say that marriage is a 'long way down the road' but the thing is, if you want to start a family, it's probably no more than 4 or 5 years in the future.

What you have to think about is that any children you have from the perspective you have now, you will want to christen and bring up in your faith, but if you marry him, and he's their father, he may well object to that, and in any case, will influence them equally.

And the more he sees you "indoctrinating" them into a set of beliefs he has absolutely no connection to - it WILL create problems, because he will come to resent his perception of the lies you tell them.

Even if you were to make an agreement now with him, he may agree to what you request because he loves you, but believe me, a few years down the line, when complacency sets in, he may not feel so accommodating.

And please of "but you promised" will fall on deaf ears, because he will tell you he didn't realise it was going to be 'this bad'....

Is your family religious?

do you have married siblings?

If yes, do they have non-Christian partners, and children?

June 21, 2012

.....
And who knows - instead of being alone, sad, crying, and praying, letting go of him could free her to find someone who IS the right person who shares her beliefs and values.

...Or she will end up alone, sad, crying and praying - but married to him.

June 21, 2012

Being happy right now is more important than potential problems because of faith.

I disagree with this 100%. If there was such a thing as disagreeing 200%, I would do it.

I think that making relationship decisions based on emotion vs. logic is one of the biggest mistakes people make.

Weighing the potential problems and seeing long-term consequences of our decisions is a big part of maturity.

June 21, 2012

...Or she will end up alone, sad, crying and praying - but married to him.

THIS is the most likely outcome if she stays with him.

June 21, 2012

I would just be friends with him. Its only been a month or so and already twice you've been jaw dropping offended by his comments.

It won't work with such different religious views. A big difference in that is normally a dealbreaker for people, don't you want a Christian boyfriend who believes the same you do?

If you know you want to marry someday, what's the point in dating someone you KNOW you won't ever marry? Why put yourself through an emotional attachment that you know will come to an end? That's crazy.

June 21, 2012

Yes you damn well should worry about it now.
you're 21, and you say that marriage is a 'long way down the road' but the thing is, if you want to start a family, it's probably no more than 4 or 5 years in the future.
What you have to think about is that any children you have from the perspective you have now, you will want to christen and bring up in your faith, but if you marry him, and he's their father, he may well object to that, and in any case, will influence them equally.
And the more he sees you "indoctrinating" them into a set of beliefs he has absolutely no connection to - it WILL create problems, because he will come to resent his perception of the lies you tell them.

Even if you were to make an agreement now with him, he may agree to what you request because he loves you, but believe me, a few years down the line, when complacency sets in, he may not feel so accommodating.

And please of "but you promised" will fall on deaf ears, because he will tell you he didn't realise it was going to be 'this bad'....

Is your family religious?
do you have married siblings?
If yes, do they have non-Christian partners, and children?

I definitely have a religious family, but by no means are they ultra-conservative. My siblings are not married and my parents are divorced. My dad has endured three separate divorces aside from my mother. I have never had a meaningful relationship before and that's why it's going to be so hard to give this up.

June 21, 2012

I would just be friends with him. Its only been a month or so and already twice you've been jaw dropping offended by his comments.

It won't work with such different religious views. A big difference in that is normally a dealbreaker for people, don't you want a Christian boyfriend who believes the same you do?

If you know you want to marry someday, what's the point in dating someone you KNOW you won't ever marry? Why put yourself through an emotional attachment that you know will come to an end? That's crazy.

But I don't want to be married right now and I don't want children, ever. If I knew marriage was in the cards for me, this issue wouldn't be so hard, but it's still very much up in the air. Like I said, if it happens, it would be a good 10 years down the road. I've just never had fun like this before, and I don't want to give it up especially if we can find common ground.

June 21, 2012

I disagree with this 100%. If there was such a thing as disagreeing 200%, I would do it.

I think that making relationship decisions based on emotion vs. logic is one of the biggest mistakes people make.

Weighing the potential problems and seeing long-term consequences of our decisions is a big part of maturity.

Indeed. And if she's sure she doesn't want to marry for another 10 years, the probability that she'll marry him is close to zero anyway. So why not enjoy it while it lasts - she's 21, after all.

It would be different if she told of problems they were having, fights because of her faith. But they don't, they simply have some differing views in some areas.

June 21, 2012

But I don't want to be married right now and I don't want children, ever. If I knew marriage was in the cards for me, this issue wouldn't be so hard, but it's still very much up in the air. Like I said, if it happens, it would be a good 10 years down the road. I've just never had fun like this before, and I don't want to give it up especially if we can find common ground.

If you can find common ground or at least an "agree to disagree" truce then you should have no problems. Trouble is there are many people who look down on people who disagree with them on religious or philosophical matters.

If you can respect him and he can respect you, you shouldn't have any issues. But with the offensive comment you said he made I doubt he's going to respect your beliefs.

June 21, 2012

If you can find common ground or at least an "agree to disagree" truce then you should have no problems. Trouble is there are many people who look down on people who disagree with them on religious or philosophical matters.

If you can respect him and he can respect you, you shouldn't have any issues. But with the offensive comment you said he made I doubt he's going to respect your beliefs.

That's what I'm wondering. By no means does he ever belittle me, but I've gotten that feeling from other non-believers. While I'm great friends with some of them, I still feel like they feel I am "narrow-minded" when the topic comes up.

The conversation we were having when he made that comment was about some movement where churches were burnt as a form of rebelliousness and he said "I'm glad they handed it to those Christians" or something along those lines. My spiritual beliefs never came up until he said that, so that's why I didn't hold it against him.

June 21, 2012

That's what I'm wondering. By no means does he ever belittle me, but I've gotten that feeling from other non-believers. While I'm great friends with some of them, I still feel like they feel I am "narrow-minded" when the topic comes up.

The conversation we were having when he made that comment was about some movement where churches were burnt as a form of rebelliousness and he said "I'm glad they handed it to those Christians" or something along those lines. My spiritual beliefs never came up until he said that, so that's why I didn't hold it against him.

That's one of those things that could go either way. Lots of people hold ideas until they know somebody from that group. Like people who are bigots until their kid comes home with somebody from a different culture. But at the same time lots of peeps reveal their true selves when they think theyre in safe company.

To me that'd be a major red flag though if a chick I wanted to date said that about Christians.

Interfaith relationships and marriages do work though (mine has) as long as everybody can respect each other.

June 21, 2012

I am an athiest and tend to think of anyone religious as nothing more then a sheep. I find it hard to respect any religious person because of this. I never, ever let them know but in my head i just head this "baaaa baaa" sheep sound when they talk.

soo...he is probably just using you for sex and companion ship and does not see a serious future with you.

so, have fun and when it stops being fun leave.

June 21, 2012

I am an athiest and tend to think of anyone religious as nothing more then a sheep. I find it hard to respect any religious person because of this. I never, ever let them know but in my head i just head this "baaaa baaa" sheep sound when they talk.

Of course. Everyone who disagrees with you is stupid.

soo...he is probably just using you for sex and companion ship and does not see a serious future with you.

Don't generalize from yourself to everyone.

June 21, 2012

So I've been friends with this wonderful guy for years now. Since May, we have been practically inseparable and are starting to form a long-lasting relationship. He really is everything I could possibly want. He treats me wonderfully, is very genuine and affectionate, and we have wonderful chemistry. I feel all giddy all the time and I love it! We are actually going on a small vacation this weekend, just the two of us. Here's the ONLY problem and it's not something we've really talked a lot about:

I'm a devout christian and he is not. At all. In fact, there have been two occasions where he's said things regarding christianity that were so offensive my mouth dropped. This was way before we began "dating" and I told him that I really don't appreciate that and it was hurtful. He apologized and understood. I'm not the type of person to push my beliefs on someone and I really do respect how he feels. It doesn't impact our daily lives, but I know that one day it might and where I'm so crazy about him, I don't know if it's worth the risk. So has anyone been in this predicament before? How did you handle it? I've made it clear that my spiritual life is important to me, so he knows and as for now, I'm okay with keeping that part of our lives separate. I just couldn't marry someone who didn't have any sort of faith whatsoever, but that is a long way down the road, so should I even worry about that now? I really want to talk about it with him, but I'm not sure how to go about it

But you're contradicting yourself.

You say you don't judge him/his beliefs - yet you judge.

You say you're religious - yet THAT is completely opposite of being quietly/personally spiritual.

Which is it?

Christian is much different than faith or spirituality.

Since you have issues with his belief system - id suggest letting him go - you judge him too much... It's not a good match!

June 21, 2012

I just couldn't marry someone who didn't have any sort of faith whatsoever,

Thats a quote from the OP,so maybe the "devout christian"-(her own words) ,would rather have a Muslim,or maybe a hindu or Mormon ,rather than have a good man who is anti-organised Religion.

Religion is just another name for hypocricy

Yea well she said she didn't want to marry someone with no faith. Sounds like she's ok with other religions just not atheism/agnosticism. No harm no foul to me friend. Good people can come in many varieties, but she'd probably be compatible only with someone who is of some kind of religion. And that's ok.

June 21, 2012

Your tolerance of his beliefs aren't going to make him tolerant of yours. At some point somethin's gonna give. I say go your separate ways now. You guys aren't compatible.

I cant understand how spiritual religious folks, whos teachings tell them to be tolerant and accepting of others, are often more close minded to others beliefs than us non spiritual types.

It makes no sense to me to throw away a great thing all because someone doesnt believe the same thing as you regarding supreme dieties. Why throw away something good based on a belief or disbelief in something which cannot be proven or disproven.

Its just dumb...religion cannot be shown to be real or unreal...its all about faith...so why not just accept that you two get along great and will have a great time together despite not believing in the same thing. We arent getting any younger and this seems minor to me. I mean, Im an atheist, and I could date a religious person so long as they accepted my point of view, because Id accept theirs.

Why kill a good thing over what cannot be proven or disproven?

June 21, 2012

I cant understand how spiritual religious folks, whos teachings tell them to be tolerant and accepting of others, are often more close minded to others beliefs than us non spiritual types.

It makes no sense to me to throw away a great thing all because someone doesnt believe the same thing as you regarding supreme dieties. Why throw away something good based on a belief or disbelief in something which cannot be proven or disproven.

Its just dumb...religion cannot be shown to be real or unreal...its all about faith...so why not just accept that you two get along great and will have a great time together despite not believing in the same thing. We arent getting any younger and this seems minor to me. I mean, Im an atheist, and I could date a religious person so long as they accepted my point of view, because Id accept theirs.

Why kill a good thing over what cannot be proven or disproven?

Sounds to me though that she's worried about a) the future with this guy and b) the offensive remark he made about burning a church or somesuch.

Believe it or not religious compatibility is a huge factor in the survival of a marriage. That don't mean you gotta be the same religion but you gotta be able to respect each other and each other's opinion even if you disagree. And if this guy applauds burning churches, she's gotta make sure he actually does respect her and her beliefs.

In my life I don't belittle my wife for fasting during Ramadan and she doesn't belittle me for thinking Jesus was nailed to a cross and rose three days later. That's what you gotta be able to do.

Edited June 21, 2012 by aj22one

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