lovinglife21 Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 Hey everyone just a little update and encouragement for those going through a tough break up. I'm 2 months post- break up. Some LC but only for the essential stuff (getting **** back etc) I've realised a lot since my break up. Namely that I was never happy in my relationship. I was anxious, paranoid and insecure. Something I never was before getting into that relationship. It became so toxic that sometimes I would say to my ex that 'I wish I was in a padded room so no one could hurt me'. The insecurity came from the people around him who always seemed to influence what he thought. But more importantly, the fact that he let them tell him what to do, and he would happily accept it. Eventually I just became another pawn in their game. He lets people control his life, and now I realise that's not those people's fault thats his, for not being man enough or mature enough to make a stand for something (whether it is a career, a holiday or a relationship). I've realised that without these people in my life- by taking myself out of the game, I've been able to control my life again and no longer feel anxious or insecure, it's a wonderful feeling. I finally feel that I have the potential to be the person I want to be not the person that they want to make me into. I've realised that I could never be truly happy with him, he lied about important things and his inability to make a decision meant that I constantly had to be the more dominant role, and for that I hated myself. His inability to make a decision always meant that I never really felt secure, and after a while that destroys you. I became severely depressed. But it crept upon me so slowly I didn't even realise. I became sooo insecure and I hate the way I felt/ acted sometimes. I always felt that the slight bit of pressure from someone would make him not love me anymore, and that's what happened. What hurt the most was the fact that we were moving in together and he started to make a stand against these people- and I finally started to trust him (after the cheating and lying) again, for just a couple of weeks later (after my God-mother died) and 3 weeks before my final exams- deciding he 'just didn't love me anymore'. It hurt so much because I actually started to believe that he could make his own decisions and he was willing to fight for me. And then to do that so soon after was destroying, and it still hurts, and I think it will for a long time. But it's ok, the pain isn't constant, just when I think about it and I am so positive about my future now that I truly feel better than I did when I was with him. I always felt weak and unable to deal with stuff when I was with him, because all of this wore me down for so long, but now that I am out of the situation, I can deal with so much more stress than I could in the relationship. I am stronger, not because of the experience, but stronger in comparison to how weak the relationship made me, I was always strong before. I lost sight of myself. I now realise what to look for in a partner. I now know that I can end a relationship if I am not happy, or if they cross a boundary. I always thought a relationship and love was worth fighting for. Now I realise that someone should make me feel stronger, should make me want to be better, not wear me down. I realise now that I don't have to suffer because I love someone, that I can leave, and it's ok sometimes to give up on someone, if they don't want to help themselves or take accountability for their actions. Now I have a chance at a completely fresh start and can say that I honestly don't give a damn what he thinks of me, of our relationship or anything for that matter. He will never have me back, and I never want to be in his life in any way, and that is genuinely true. He thinks that I want him back still, he's so arrogant and so deluded. I text him to arrange a time to get my stuff back- I said 'are you free next week?' to which he replied 'what for?' Like it would be anything other than getting my stuff back. Plleeeeeeaaaaasssssee get over yourself. It made me laugh. All I care about is fully recovering, being happy and being the person that I want to be and making it happen. I have a lot of really positive stuff coming my way, a new flat, a new job, lots of lovely friends, and I recently lost 20 pounds!!! I eat better, I excersize more, I look healthy and take care of myself. I've got my inner and outer confidence back. I'm excited about my future, and I haven't felt like that for a very long time. What I am saying to everyone is- is that I feel hopeful, I feel safe and I feel happy. Feelings that I didn't have in my relationship. I feel better. Yes what he did hurts, but it's ok because I'm suddenly feeling alive again. And if he hadn't of broken up with me then I would have stayed ignorantly miserable for longer. And I am so thankful that it is over and that this destructive person is out of my life. FOR GOOD. Have a lovely day full of positivity xx
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