confusedkatie Posted July 2, 2004 Posted July 2, 2004 I have been with him for a year and a half. My only other relationship lasted two months so this long term relationship is new to me. I am confused because I feel like he doesn't love me as much as he used to. I don't know if he's just comfortable or what. But he used to write me love letters and tell me how important I was to him. And when we are apart he would tell me how much he missed me and how he couldn’t wait to see him. Now there is none of that. I just don’t know what to do because I love him so much but I don’t know if he feels the same way anymore. I tried bringing it up but I didn’t really know what to say to him so I ended up saying “I don’t know” a lot and he said “you know I love you.” I want to really know he loves me and be able to tell that he does. I’m just not happy right now because of this but I know I still love him. So how do I talk to him about this? I just don’t know how to bring it up. And would a break be good for us? Thanks for listening!
whatshouldido Posted July 2, 2004 Posted July 2, 2004 confusedkatie. well..for starters, if you are feeling unhappy, and that maybe you need a break, you should probably take one. or at least bring up the idea, and see how he reacts. there is no point in sitting around being unhappy, even if you do love him, if you do not feel the same love back. if you bring up a break, maybe it will make him realize what he's doing, or on a scarier part maybe it will make him realize that he is doing this for a reason, and he doesn't feel the same about you. i am giving you this advice because i just broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years. it was very tough to do, and i do love him and still love him, and he still loves me..but i was just not happy..it has only been a week now, but i am starting to feel happier. but me telling him that we were going to break up really gave him a reality check..he realized that he was losing me, and it woke him up. he tried to make up for everything that was making me unhappy, to get me to stay with him, but sometimes people just need a break. i am doing very well right now, and he is doing better, although not as well as i am, because he did not want this break. the way i look at it is, we will be able to see if there is someone else out there for us (i'm 20, hes 21, we've been together since 16..we were our first everythings.) after being with someone for four years, and realizing how young you are, and how little expierence you have, you do want to see what else is out there, and the only way to do that is to take a break. it took me a while to realize and talk myself into the break, but i know in the long run, it will be better for both of us. for now we are going to remain friends, but who knows what will happen in the long run, the chemistry between us will always be there, and if we are meant to be together we will be together. so don't be scared, if you feel like you should take a break do it, it will be good for the both of you, whatever you do don't sit around being unhappy, because that will not make your relationship any better. be true to yourself. also, i don't know how old you are, but if you are at the age where you consider getting married, ask yourself if this guy is someone who you would want to marry..and if he's not, find someone who is! hope i've helped. good luck.
dreamguy Posted July 2, 2004 Posted July 2, 2004 whatshouldido, Since you're a girl and you did the dumping I'm curious about some things. 1) How can you say "the chemistry between us will always be there". What makes you so sure it will always be there ? 2) How can you say "and i do love him and still love him, and he still loves me..but i was just not happy.." Aren't you supposed to be happy when you love someone who loves you in return ? If not, what were the causes of your unhappiness ? 3) "or at least bring up the idea, and see how he reacts." then say "and it woke him up. he tried to make up for everything that was making me unhappy, to get me to stay with him, but sometimes people just need a break." So in a word, you brought up the idea and he tried to make up for everything that was making you unhappy but still you went ahead and took the break ! It's like you're saying you would have preferred that he stands ground and remains the same instead of doing everything to cater to your every whim ? Maybe it would have made you respect him more ? Maybe it would have made you change your mind ? One last question about my case: "I know my ex is still as attracted to me as ever ! Because when she saw me at the beach the other day she was practically looking at me every second ! The thing is (although she has called me many times since the break-up) when I passed by her at the beach she faked it and acted as if she didn't see me. I just kept going. Then, later as she was getting ready to leave, she looked at me and waved with her hand to say goodbye. How would you explain this behavior from a girl's point of view ? Is she playing around or is she still attracted but someone else is stopping her (such as her family) ?" I hope you can be as honest as possible in your answers and give me the truth, not what I want to hear.
whatshouldido Posted July 2, 2004 Posted July 2, 2004 dreamguy alright, i'm going to try to answer your questions. 1) How can you say "the chemistry between us will always be there". What makes you so sure it will always be there ? The main problem in my realtionship was that my man was not independent. sometimes he did not have a job, and i found myself paying for his bills, while he was sitting back waiting for a job to come to him. he was always very kind to me and we got along great, and we were also together for four years, and you don't just stay around for the hell of it, there was a reason i stayed and i have never been so close to someone as i have with him. that is why i think that the chemistry will always be there between us, even if it is hidden under a couple layers. i think that if we wanted to get back together in a couple years, things could work out, as long as he was independent and i didn't have to pay his bills... does this make sense to you? 2) How can you say "and i do love him and still love him, and he still loves me..but i was just not happy.." Aren't you supposed to be happy when you love someone who loves you in return ? If not, what were the causes of your unhappiness ? #1 cause of unhappiness was money, i know it sucks and its not an excuse, but money can have a damage on any relationship. #2, i am only 20years old, he is only 21, and i felt like i might be missing out on something, not necessarily another guy, but being that young, i'm still in college, and i want to go out and explore, maybe go to a different school, see what my options are and although i know he would have been ok with me doing that if i did want to go further away, at the same time, i want to do it on my own, and not have to feel awful or guilty about the decisions i make. #3 i loved taking care of him so much, and this is a problem i made in the relationship, i somewhat "spoiled" him i guess you could say,i was always getting him stuff, because he dind't have a job, or money, and i loved him and wanted him to be happy. i tend to put other people in front of myself. it made me happy to see him happy. so, i was happy on some notes, and unhappy on others, but no relationship is perfect, and you have to learn to embrace these aspects of a relationship, or you have to realize that maybe this isn't what you really want. another reason i left was just so he could gain his independence, after "taking care" of him for so long, i really felt he needed to get his independence back, and see what life is like on his own, and how to take care of the bills, etc.. we talked about this and he agreed that he does need to do things for himself and on his own. 3) "or at least bring up the idea, and see how he reacts." then say "and it woke him up. he tried to make up for everything that was making me unhappy, to get me to stay with him, but sometimes people just need a break." when i said "he tried to make up for everything that was making me unhappy", what i meant was that when i told him we should break up, he immediatley said "i will do anythign to be with you, i will change, i will make you happy.." he said this because he was scared, he doesn't want to lose me, and we have never had a "real" breakup before, it was almost like an immediate reaction. but it has only been one week since we broke up, and we have seen each other once since then, and i think we both need time to think about what we both really want, and he can think about himself, and how he is going to start to manage his life on his own. if i had said "ok", after he said he would do anything to be with me, how do i know that this really would have changed for good, maybe it would have been different for the first week, or couple months, but then maybe things would go back to "normal" mode...do you catch my drift? i don't know, it has only been 1 week, and we have talked, and we are still going to be friends for now, but who knows what could happen in the long run? nobody does, until it happens. so, did your ex break up with you, call you a bunch and then you saw her at the beach? or did you dump her? give me a little more info on ur situation, and maybe i can give u some advice.
dreamguy Posted July 2, 2004 Posted July 2, 2004 It started (after we had been together for 8 months) with her saying "I need some time alone" to which I immediately retorted "you mean you want to have some time to go check out someone else. Sorry can't give you that. What do you think I am ? A toy ?" That same night, after I dropped her home, she called me (1 hour later) to say "I don't want to lose you and I think I love you. You have so many good qualities and I really felt empty as I watched you drive away !" I answered "well it's only been 1 hour and I still need time to think". 3 days passed and I really thought a lot about the relationship during that time (almost every second of every day) but her last words (that I typed above) kept coming back to my mind so I finally decided to call her and here's what I said "listen, it's not the presence of incompatibilities that end a relationship but it's how you deal with them, and we can either give up on this relationship without trying or we can attempt to work things out through communication and trust. But you have to trust me and talk to me. What is your answer to that ?" so she said "I'd like to give it a try"... we went out that week-end and things appeared to be normal and we had some nice intimate moments (she was into it as much as I was). Then as soon as the next week started... she gave me a phone call and said "we have to talk, my old -bf is back and he wants to get engaged." so I said "we'll talk about this tonight as I'm at work right now. I prefer discussing this matter in a face to face meeting". I picked her up and we had a long talk (about 2.5 hours) about so many aspects of the relationship and she said that she feels safe whenever she's with me but as soon as she thinks about the future... she freaks out because I let her in on too many details and plans. So I said, I was honest about what I can financially offer, I'm a guy with a stable and respectable job and I can give you a pleasant and decent life... but I cannot offer millions. We talked and talked... bla bla bla but almost in vain so I drove her home again. We didn't talk for about 5 days then I called and I demanded an answer (yes or no) about her wanting to go on or ending it up. She said she was sorry but she couldn't go on with this relationship. I answered "if this is what you really want then I won't hold you back although you know I have been open and up front with you about everything, but still everthing that comes close to intimacy freaks you out ! I don't want you to be with me if you're not convinced" and we hung up. Almost 20 days passed with no contact at all. She called me and started the conversation with "missed you" to which I replied "missed you too"... and then we talked about generalities for 5 minutes or so and I said "I gtg because I'm gonna be late to bla bla bla" and we hung up. She called again 3 days later and said "I dreamt of you last night and so I'm calling" and again I acted cool and I was joking with her all along and a few minutes later I said "I have to get going or I'll be late to bla bla bla". Again, 5 days passed until I saw her at the beach last wednesday. She didn't say hello as I passed by her (she turned her head away and pretended she was talking to her sister). Her sister, on the other hand, did say hello and I replied by "how is it going" and I kept walking. About 30 minutes passed and I was totally ignoring her (I know she was looking at me because I was wearing my googles while in the water and I could see her facing me and staring at me). Then just before she and her sister left. She kept looking at me until my eyes met hers and she waved with her hand to say goodbye. I gave her a wink as a sign of acknowledgment. That's a pretty compressed version of the latest happenings. Let me know what you think, how you think I should act and how you think her actions can be interpreted. Again, I'm interested in your opinion since you're a girl and you did the dumping. Besides, I'm a firm believer that men and women are wired differently. You can offer some valuable insight on this. That doesn't mean that I wouldn't like to hear what others have to say as well. Everybody is welcome to reply to my post.
Author confusedkatie Posted July 2, 2004 Author Posted July 2, 2004 Thanks for your help whatshouldido. I really needed to hear what you said about if i am not happy there is no point in just being in the relationship even though I love him. And I agree with what you said to dreamguy in response to his third question I think it was. You said how even though he said he would do anything to keep you, things could go back to normal in a day or a week or whatever. And I need to remember that when I do take a break from my bf and stay strong because otherwise things won't change and I will just be unhappy again. I am in college right now so I am not really thinking about marriage but it is in the back of my mind so I feel that if I am not happy now, I need to take a break and figure myself out before things get more serious and we both are thinking about marriage more. Thanks for your advice! I'll keep you posted.
whatshouldido Posted July 3, 2004 Posted July 3, 2004 dreamguy, just out of curiousity, how old are you? im guessing in ur late 20's if you and this girl were talking about marriage. so, you guys were together 8 months..and she told you she needed time to think, then not too long after she tells you her ex is back..and wants to marry her.....i'm guessing that her ex was there when she first broke up with you...and since he proposed to her, she got confused and needed time to think..that is probably why she wanted to hang out with you that weekend...she needed to find out for herself what she really wanted..if she wanted to go with her ex, or stay with you. now, from the sounds of it, it looks like she chose neither of you, and decided to stay single...as for her calling you, and saying i had a dream about you..etc..., she definatley misses you, and hearing your voice probably makes her feel much better and that is why she calls, hearing your voice confirms that you are okay, and makes her feel reassured. as for not talking to you at the beach..she may have been just too nervous to talk to you in person, or she is still trying to figure out what she wants, and if she talks to you in person it might make things harder for her. i think her waving to you shows that she didn't mean to hurt you by ignoring u when u walked by her, but that she is not ready to see you face to face. there is no doubt in my mind that she is still attracted to you, why wouldn't she be? it's not like thats the reason she left in the first place. i know i am still attracted to my ex, but right now if i were to follow through with any "attraction" i might have for him, things would just get way more complicated. do you still want to get back together with her? i don't know, sorry i couldn't offer that great of advice, hope it helps though.
dreamguy Posted July 3, 2004 Posted July 3, 2004 confusedkatie, Hope you're feeling better, I'd say you should bring up the idea of a break and see how he reacts. But don't just take a break for the sake of feeling in control. No matter what the reasons, a break always changes something in a relationship forever. As you can see from all the people posting in this forum. While they usually become aware of their own feelings when their bf/gf takes a break they always start doubting the other's sincerity and authenticity in feelings. whatshouldido, First of all thank you for your reply. I must say you're right about a lot of things. Yes I'm in my late 20's. And it's obvious her ex was already there when she broke up with me. that is probably why she wanted to hang out with you that weekend...she needed to find out for herself what she really wanted You gave me a new perspective to look at things from. I never thought of that week-end that way. as for her calling you, and saying i had a dream about you..etc..., she definatley misses you, and hearing your voice probably makes her feel much better and that is why she calls, hearing your voice confirms that you are okay, and makes her feel reassured. Reassured about what (she is the one who left) and why would she care to know I was ok ? as for not talking to you at the beach..she may have been just too nervous to talk to you in person. i think her waving to you shows that she didn't mean to hurt you by ignoring u when u walked by her, but that she is not ready to see you face to face. I think she's was so nervous too. But this can only mean one thing: she still has strong feelings for me. Otherwise she would have simply had no difficulty in looking me in the eye and saying "hi". And yes I do think that when she waved goodbye it meant "I couldn't have the nerve to talk to you in person but I still feel the same". there is no doubt in my mind that she is still attracted to you, why wouldn't she be? it's not like thats the reason she left in the first place. The way I see it... there really is no valid reason why she left. Except for confusion and not knowing what/who she wants. and yes I still want to get back with her but I'm not sure as to how I should start acting now that I know everything I typed above in this post. Sometimes I tell myself that I should call her because she probably feels so nervous that she wouldn't call. Then I stop and I think to myself: what will my call change ? Your advice did help a lot. Keep giving me your feedback.
whatshouldido Posted July 3, 2004 Posted July 3, 2004 dreamguy, as for her calling you, and saying i had a dream about you..etc..., she definatley misses you, and hearing your voice probably makes her feel much better and that is why she calls, hearing your voice confirms that you are okay, and makes her feel reassured. Reassured about what (she is the one who left) and why would she care to know I was ok ? i broke up with my ex, but when i talk to him it makes me feel good to know how he is doing. just because she broke up with you does not mean that she doesn't care for you still and want to know how you are. she might also need to hear how your doing to see if it sounds like you've moved on from her or not. idk, just a thought. now you said you were still considering going back to her, if she wanted to of course. You need to ask yourself something, in case she does have a change of heart and come back to you: If i get back into this relationship, am i sure this is the girl that i want to marry? because you were talking to her about marriage already, and if you do not think that this is the girl you want to marry, or are unsure of it, then you might as well leave it the way it is now, and try to find someone new. you said something in one of your first posts.. .she freaks out because I let her in on too many details and plans. what exactly does she freak out about? i think it would be ok if you were to call her, just to set some things straight. You can't keep hanging on, you need to find out if this girl is really through with you or not. and that is exactly what you need to ask her. say to her "i really care about you, and i would love to work our relationship out, buit i really need to know what you want to do because i can't keep sitting around waiting for you to come back to me. so please let me know how you feel so i can decide whether or not i should move on with my life. (you know, someting like that). also think about how you are going to feel since she did leave you when her ex came back, and she might have even considered getting back together with him. this probably hurts you and might put doubt into your mind about having a strong relationship. now this would be a little psychotic, but maybe she is playing a big mind game...maybe, she did the same thing to her ex, that she did to you. she considered marriage with him, blahblahblah, broke it off, he is madly iin love with her and comes running back proposing, giving her everything she can dream of, and she refuses. maybe she just likes having the power and having guys want her. ok, just a few ideas.....the last ones a little crazy, but hey, ya never knnow~!
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