todreaminblue Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 I love the serenity prayer too - Gad, grant me the courage to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. The only shame is I have a really strong disconnection with my logical part of my brain and the emotional part- so although I could say it over and over, I still wake up feeling like sh*t in the mornings, being depressed, wah wah wah... I feel like all I do on here is whinge and probably come across as some silly b*tch that just needs to get over it. Easier said than done. Another bummer is when we were together he managed to convince me we didn't need friends, just 'us against the world', so now I have enough friends to count on one hand and they're not always around. So I have a lot of bummed out nights knowing he has someone sleeping next to him, no matter if she's just someone to keep the bed warm.. Also I'm pretty impatient, but I suppose if I'm faced with no choice I'll have to be.. Thankyou for your input, it does sound like we have similar MH issues which I'm always sorry to hear someone say because I know how it hurts and f*cks with your mind. You say you speak with your ex and he gets flirty- how do some people even think that's ok?! sounds like his 'new' woman should be felt sorry for IMO, and you should def think you're better off, I mean would you rather be her knowing he still feels like that for you?!! I'm not even sure if I've screwed up our chances of being friends now, and maybe he doesn't feel he needs me as one now he's seeing someone else... so many chances to be hurt the emotional side and the logical side are supposed to be disconnected it is when they merge decision making becomes cloudy.....logic is for problem solving, conclusions(good and bad), and for rubiks cubes.....your emotions are what makes you human and imperfect....which we all are.... so no i dont think you are whining i think you are human, you are trying to work things out and it helps to get others viewpoints who are not emotionally attached to the situation to share life experiences..... a problem shared is halved and getting over it will happen without you pushing yourself .You are allowed to feel whatever you are feeling and its better to talk about it than not...... i reconnected with a friend who i havent spoken to for a year or two.........life moves so fast .....but when i tried to apologise for my slackness she was just glad to hear from me....you can reconnect sometimes it is as quick as a phonecall.... i have less than a handful of friends and i consider myself lucky.....the bummed out nights are a right of passage.....a necessary evil for growth life teaches you what you need to know to appreciate love when it bites you on the butt and to not take things forgranted....the good times are all the sweeter for having the experience of hard spots. and the hard times truly suck I speak to my ex and the one before him too..... we are friends.......i had friendships before in both cases before relationships grew.as far as the other woman is concerned.....i have learnt to not give more than i get im all for equality..... i called her once i sleuthed my exes phone and found her number i asked her for a time we could meet and have a chat about my ex......she denied knowing him......made out that i was stupid for calling her off my exes phone......all i wanted was her to give me some space at least until my son was out of juvenile so i could speak to him about the whole situation and for my ex to spend more time with the kids because at that point in time they needed him to come home more often i was constantly in court....it was only six weeks i wanted .....i didnt even get the chance to appeal for my family.....she just lied .....so i spoke to my ex laid out the facts gave an ultimatum.......and he left......i owe her nothing.......definately not sympathy.... i owe myself respect and that is why i steer the conversations into safe territory.......so anyway everything slipped away at that turning point where he left, broken family and i got court ordered shock therapy and intensive psyche therapy......and while i was having that done i liasoned with my sons parole officer dealt with his appeal and tried to be upbeat when my girls came to visit me.......i had to do it.....i am not looking for sympathy i believe everything happens for a reason, a butterfly effect for real ....a few things that helped me......writing song lyrics, poetry, allowing myself to feel like crap and knowing that wont always feel that way, doing things i love to do and saying exactly how i felt.......and sharing hope helps too.....you can do anything jadi and i hope i am on here when you are feelin fine and frisky that first day where you feel confident and hopeful.......i would love to share it with you.....
Author lady_jadie Posted June 29, 2012 Author Posted June 29, 2012 Wow dream, that's harsh. Testament to you that you can be so forgiving about it all. I was wondering though, did you find the shock therapy worked at all? I've tried so many things and although it sounds like it's pretty horrible (One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest and Requiem for a Dream scarred my teen brain long ago..) I have actually thought that maybe it's the only thing that might help me? You know, I know you aren't looking for sympathy or 'oh you're such a strong woman', because sh*t happens and you just deal with it when it comes, but I have to tell you, a lot of people would have fallen apart. So if you'll indulge me, I must say I have respect for you Are you American by the way? (wierd question I know)
todreaminblue Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 Wow dream, that's harsh. Testament to you that you can be so forgiving about it all. I was wondering though, did you find the shock therapy worked at all? I've tried so many things and although it sounds like it's pretty horrible (One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest and Requiem for a Dream scarred my teen brain long ago..) I have actually thought that maybe it's the only thing that might help me? You know, I know you aren't looking for sympathy or 'oh you're such a strong woman', because sh*t happens and you just deal with it when it comes, but I have to tell you, a lot of people would have fallen apart. So if you'll indulge me, I must say I have respect for you Are you American by the way? (wierd question I know)... No I am an aussie,i come from the accent free australia..... you know jadie writing this actually woke me up a little i am forgiving but it can almost be a fault....it often ends up to my own detriment......and if i were to go back and reunite i will lose all the strength it took me to move forward and away....sharing with you has put it into perspective for me...... the actual shock therapy was NOT horrible but my kids being scared ****less they were going to lose me and pretending i knew everything was going to be fine was taxing adn extremely horrible.....i cant do it again jadie i am not going back for my ex not freakin worth it.... electric shock therapy was a last resort for them to help me....it isnt as bad as what it used to be for starters you arent awake when it happens you are awake when they attach the nodules to your head and then they put you under this sort of therapy has all the risks of a general anesthetic side effects short term memory loss.....positives......i believe it saved my life that and guilt who i would leave behind became more important than my feelings of utter failure .... and they are still observing and documenting before and after effects on all who participate in this form of therapy ..say hello to deb the test subject....your head feels like it is stuffed full of cotton wool after, your body tingles, numbness, nausea and it takes away shards of memory they tested me a week before by a lady who came around asked a specific set of questions after three sessions of therapy i didnt remember her at all but the questions seemed familiar.I remember her now though so memory returning is also common.shcok therapy helped me but there was nothing left in me other than for them to try it......and i am glad i had it now......you need to see a shrink to see if it might help you....if you are honest with exactly how you are feeling they will let you know if it is suitable for you......dont be scared of this form of therapy its nothing like one flew over the cuckoos nest its clinical professional treatment that is closely monitored but it isnt for everyone research it ask yoru doctor to refer you to a good shrink.........thankyou jadie for reading my history and sharing it with you it woke me up like a slap in the face with a cold mullet.....hugs to ya.....debxo
Author lady_jadie Posted June 30, 2012 Author Posted June 30, 2012 No problem Deb, I've always wanted to slap someone in the face with a wet fish although not someone as nice as you, or virtually, but I'll settle Thankyou for imparting such personal information. It sounds like a tough thing to go through, but I'm 26, no kids to have to worry about... If it profoundly changed your thinking and/or MH issues then that encourages me to give it a look up at least. My shrinks are useless.. sure you've had your fair share of them... and I'm from England so I'm not even sure they do it here but I'll look into it. It's funny, I was thinking of maybe going travelling to Australia when the weather gets crappy here.. thought maybe a year of travel might do me some good, get me out of this tiny island, meet new people etc.. but then I think, I'm a bit of a wack-job, what if I freak out over there??! also i hear it's expensive, but I've saved up about £1,500. What do you think?
todreaminblue Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 No problem Deb, I've always wanted to slap someone in the face with a wet fish although not someone as nice as you, or virtually, but I'll settle Thankyou for imparting such personal information. It sounds like a tough thing to go through, but I'm 26, no kids to have to worry about... If it profoundly changed your thinking and/or MH issues then that encourages me to give it a look up at least. My shrinks are useless.. sure you've had your fair share of them... and I'm from England so I'm not even sure they do it here but I'll look into it. It's funny, I was thinking of maybe going travelling to Australia when the weather gets crappy here.. thought maybe a year of travel might do me some good, get me out of this tiny island, meet new people etc.. but then I think, I'm a bit of a wack-job, what if I freak out over there??! also i hear it's expensive, but I've saved up about £1,500. What do you think? I think that you have to be confident in yourself to travel and making major life decisions when you arent feelin exactly stable is not recommended.....i wanted to go on a mission to africa and feed the kids.....one day maybe i will ......in saying that I think talking to a shrink to get you fine and frisky and ready to travel sounds wonderful....then if you do come down under and over the months figured out I am not a sociopath you might want to catch up with me....a new friend you made on some love shack site....we could hold some koalas take some cool pictures and you could freak out at my animal menagerie and hold a three legged turtle and laugh at my accent.....sounds like a plan..........smilin.....deb 1
Author lady_jadie Posted June 30, 2012 Author Posted June 30, 2012 That literally makes me feel happier already! (non)sociopaths UNITE! XX
todreaminblue Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 (edited) That literally makes me feel happier already! (non)sociopaths UNITE! XX I feel happier when I am planning, dreaming and realising just how big this world is.... your island can big or as small as you make it, people to meet,friends to make, places to see, stories to live.My ex is from south africa i think i felt passionately about the country before i felt passionately about him......the geography, the stories, Nelson Mandela,the food the witch doctor his mother visited and for sure the struggles of segregation.....when they got off their boat immigrating to australia the first thing his mum seen, was a multicultural couple holding hands in public..an infinite amount of possibility from a glance ......it gave her this feeling of freedom that she will always remember....that is her story to tell and i pass it on.....i wonder what yours will be or mine...... it might be love can be found in the most unlikely places...... a country you have never seen, a place never visited, a chance encounter sitting on a park bench or walking along a beach smelling that salty freshness feeling sand beneath your feet...... and then realising how freaking great is that you are here right now...... because when you love a place and time that you are in you are ready to move on and you will find your place Jadie .......I am glad I made you feel happier I am always united with the sisterhood......women all over the world have fought and battled been warriors. mothers, sisters,and sometimes we lose we cry together......but then when we win.... sharing victory is so sweet....big hugs.....see that doctor......deb Edited July 1, 2012 by todreaminblue
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