Great relationship ended out of the blue...how does this happen

[girlonfire]

Okay, so my boyfriend (I'll call him J) and I were together for a total of 8 months. We always had a great relationship. We literally never fought over anything. Maybe we had our differences here and there, but we were each other's best friends.

 

Maybe 6 months or so into our relationship, J began acting more distant. He was always aware of it, too. Since we lived a 45 minute drive away from each other, we always had our space. We were both in school full time, and I saw him each weekend, per his request. He either came to me, or I came to him.

 

Like I mentioned, J had began acting more distant. He never really showered me with gifts or attention, because we always did our own thing. We got along really well, and shared a great friendship. Often though, he'd apologize for nothing. "I'm sorry I've been so distant lately, I'm sorry I'm such a bad boyfriend." I'd always say it's fine, I'm still here for him even when his head's in another place, be it within school, his band, family, etc. He'd always call himself a bad boyfriend.

 

Memorial day weekend, we spent the whole holiday with his family. We barbequed, had fun, laughed, everything was fine. 20 minutes after he dropped me off home, he, once again, apologized for "being so distant" and said he wasn't ready to commit to a relationship (even though we've been in one for 8 months). He said he's having some sort of an identity crisis and doesn't know where he wants his life to take him. He's afraid of being in a relationship with me because he's not sure if I'm the girl he wants to marry, or what if one of us cheat on each other, or what if we fall out of love, etc. He'd say things like that.

 

So there I was, just broken up with out of the blue. He made it sound like he was harboring all these feelings, and just chose not to tell me. He agreed to meet once more in person to talk things over. We met over coffee. He had explained that he's sorry. I've always been an amazing girlfriend, but he feels he's been a "bad boyfriend" to me, and I don't deserve it. No matter how many times I told him he was wrong, that's what he was convinced. He also mentioned that he's never stayed friends with any of his ex's because all of his past break-ups had been bad (he didn't feel ours was, it was just what's best for him).

 

J said that he wants to stay friends with me, he just doesn't know how. He doesn't want to hang out because he doesn't want things "to feel like we're a couple again." He asked if I was fine with that, and I said yes. So he left, and that was about a month ago.

 

I have contacted him a few times. Once, asking how he was doing. Another time, asking if there was a shirt and blanket that he had at my house, if he wanted those back. I also emailed him one last time, out of frustration, asking him why he's ignoring me if he was so certain he wanted to make things up to me and stay my friend. He isn't talking to me at all.

 

What the hell is going on? Did he say those things to make himself feel better for breaking up with me? Or could he actually be feeling that way? And just needs more time before he wants to approach things? I just don't understand what would make him want to do something like this...by the time he's "ready" to talk to me, I'm probably going to be too aggravated to want anything to do with him.

 

Ugh, I don't get it

[girlonfire]

I just don't know how to feel. I want to be friends, too. It doesn't have to be awkward...Even if he WANTED a relationship again I would be hesitant, just because the doubts that he has don't go away overnight. But like he said, I want to be friends. He said so, too...But he isn't doing a very good job of acting like it. What do I even do? Cut my losses and forget our relationship ever happened? I'm not one to smother him. It just sucks not knowing how he feels.

 

Any advice?

[EgoJoe]

Sadly you went from in a relationship to on a shelf with ice. Get the rest of your stuff and tell him off for being a passive aggressive coward.

 

NC for life until he grows up and grovels for forgiveness then still back to NC.

[flitzanu]

he found someone new, started acting distant because he was too much of a coward to dump you outright, so he went with the "i don't know what i want" crap.

[barriob]

He was a coward. Same thing happened to my past relationship. We were toge the r for 6 mo.ths and I thought we were doifng great. But out of nowhere, he broke up with me. Just let him go, he doesnt deserve ypur love. Focus on ypurself and dont do the same mistake I did by contacti.g him and replying when he contacted me. He mow has a gf and it sucks :/ but they were the ones who chose not to be with us.

[girlonfire]

Thanks, that's helpful. It just sucks. Because I know he isn't the type of guy to cheat on me. He'd never do that, and I'm not just saying that. Not to put him down or anything, but he's too shy to go after anyone else. He most definitely is a coward. He just hates confrontation (similar to how I do) so it's easier for him to be a dick about things, rather than give me half the respect I deserve. Guess he's a worse "friend" than he was boyfriend.

[flitzanu]

Thanks, that's helpful. It just sucks. Because I know he isn't the type of guy to cheat on me. He'd never do that, and I'm not just saying that. Not to put him down or anything, but he's too shy to go after anyone else. He most definitely is a coward. He just hates confrontation (similar to how I do) so it's easier for him to be a dick about things, rather than give me half the respect I deserve. Guess he's a worse "friend" than he was boyfriend.

 

 

no, he is the type to do those things, just like everyone else. doesn't matter how much of a shy saint you think he is.

 

but really, the thing done wrong was him not being honest. if he doesn't want to be with you, then you should find someone that does.

[BB7]

The thing is that you don't really want him just as a friend so no matter what the 'friendship' would be lop sided. I've had my ex telling me how we could be great friends and she was happy with the way we were interacting but at the end of the day I was the one trying to get her back so she was getting attention from me, I was getting no comfort from it because it was almost always me contacting her first even if she did reply.

 

I think I was feeding her in a way and making it easier for her, not easier for me. You don't want a friendship right now, you want your boyfriend so I'd suggest just going no contact.

[Ruby65]

He was distant for 6 months of an 8 month relationship.... he told you that you're not the girl he wants to marry.... he broke up with you.... he offered friendship but he never contacts you and ignores you when you contact him....

 

Honestly, why are you wasting your precious time trying to figure him out -- ?

 

You deserve SO MUCH BETTER!

 

Embrace NC and move on from this guy and never look back!

 

Post here when you need to -- the people here will help you get through this. You're going to be FINE.