lamenting_lost_love Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 After nearly 3.5 years together, she and I broke up about 2.5 months ago and we were both okay with it (we wanted different things in life and we were arguing a lot over nothing). Then about a month later, something clicked and I realized that I actually wanted all the things she had been wanting all along (marriage and kids). I brought it up with her and she said that she wanted to try to get to a place where we could be friends first before she could consider anything. We still kept in fairly consistent contact, though nowhere near as much as when we were together. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to let things go and when she recognized this, she suggested two or three weeks of not hanging out at all, and minimal texting between us (our primary means of communication). We did that, and then we hung out (finally) a week ago, when I decided to ask her if she saw even a *possibility* of us getting back together. She said that she wanted to say "no" just so I could move on, but I told her that if that's her only reason, she shouldn't tell me no. She also said she just wants to have fun and be able to travel and do what she wants right now, and that she doesn't want a relationship right now. Funnily enough, I noticed on her wall calendar that she had at least four dates with the same guy listed... We hung out again two days later (having dinner as friends) and I was doing a lot better in terms of being depressed about things. She had been texting this new guy off and on throughout the evening. Near the end of the night, I caught a glimpse of her text history with him. She's using the same pet names with him that she used for me. Obviously, that was a bit of a blow to me, so I left abruptly (but politely) citing digestive issues (which was technically true). She was really thrown off by me leaving so abruptly, like she was expecting me to stay for another few hours. Basically, I'm wondering if I've already screwed things up too badly to recover from. Every fiber of my being is SCREAMING at me that I should be with her. I've even tried to think about it logically, i.e: do I really miss HER or do I just miss the affection, and it's definitely HER. Right now I'm trying to take a week or two of not initiating contact with her in the hopes that it might stir up feelings of missing/longing. I've been making myself far too available to her lately, jumping at any chance to talk to her or see her. I'm hoping the community can provide some guidance.
KatZee Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 Well my ex kind of pulled the same thing. He ended it because he wanted to be single, where as my head was going down the path of engagement and a serious commitment. It's been 6 weeks since we broke up, and I can already see myself heading to where your ex is. I'm kind of having a lot of fun being single right now. I'm doing so many things I never had the chance to do when I was so seriously committed to him. I do what I want, when I want. I'm also not closed off to the possibility of dating, and meeting new people. I'm actually going on a "Single's Yacht Cruise" next month and I'm kind of really excited for it. If he were to contact me today and say he wanted to try again and be in a relationship, I think there would be a lot of doubts creeping into my head. Would I still be able to do what I'm doing, and maintain a relationship? See what else is out there? Probably not. I think I've woken up to the fact that I'm young, and why should I be so tied down now? I have a lot of living to do, and that's perhaps how she feels. There probably was a span of a few weeks where she hoped you'd come back, but it's now 2.5 months later. Those initial feelings are gone. They're gone for me for the most part at 6 weeks in. That's what happens when you end something so amazing. You wake up one day realizing what you lost, and by the time that comes, the person you left, really doesn't even want you anymore. They've had enough time to realize their own worth, and they know you're undeserving of it. I mean it's nice she's still seeing you, but at the same time, she's dating around. She doesn't view you the same as she used to and she's checking out other options. This is the risk you took. After nearly 3.5 years together, she and I broke up about 2.5 months ago and we were both okay with it (we wanted different things in life and we were arguing a lot over nothing). Then about a month later, something clicked and I realized that I actually wanted all the things she had been wanting all along (marriage and kids). I brought it up with her and she said that she wanted to try to get to a place where we could be friends first before she could consider anything. We still kept in fairly consistent contact, though nowhere near as much as when we were together. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to let things go and when she recognized this, she suggested two or three weeks of not hanging out at all, and minimal texting between us (our primary means of communication). We did that, and then we hung out (finally) a week ago, when I decided to ask her if she saw even a *possibility* of us getting back together. She said that she wanted to say "no" just so I could move on, but I told her that if that's her only reason, she shouldn't tell me no. She also said she just wants to have fun and be able to travel and do what she wants right now, and that she doesn't want a relationship right now. Funnily enough, I noticed on her wall calendar that she had at least four dates with the same guy listed... We hung out again two days later (having dinner as friends) and I was doing a lot better in terms of being depressed about things. She had been texting this new guy off and on throughout the evening. Near the end of the night, I caught a glimpse of her text history with him. She's using the same pet names with him that she used for me. Obviously, that was a bit of a blow to me, so I left abruptly (but politely) citing digestive issues (which was technically true). She was really thrown off by me leaving so abruptly, like she was expecting me to stay for another few hours. Basically, I'm wondering if I've already screwed things up too badly to recover from. Every fiber of my being is SCREAMING at me that I should be with her. I've even tried to think about it logically, i.e: do I really miss HER or do I just miss the affection, and it's definitely HER. Right now I'm trying to take a week or two of not initiating contact with her in the hopes that it might stir up feelings of missing/longing. I've been making myself far too available to her lately, jumping at any chance to talk to her or see her. I'm hoping the community can provide some guidance.
Author lamenting_lost_love Posted June 21, 2012 Author Posted June 21, 2012 For the record, SHE initiated the breakup. I didn't want to be single, I just wasn't able to think of marriage and kids. Even mentioning marriage would freak me out inside. Looking back, I don't know what it was that made me think that way. I think that my inability to think along those lines, coupled with us arguing all the time, were the main causes of the breakup. She felt that we were more buddy-buddy towards the end anyways. At the time, I agreed. Now I'm kicking myself for not treasuring every second with her I think the arguing was because she hated her job and school, and the frustration from those things would get transferred onto me (so everything I did set her off). Since the breakup, she hasn't gotten mad at me over random things, and funnily enough, the breakup coincided with her finishing school and getting a new job. She always had freedom when we were together. We spent a couple days per week together, and I understood when she wanted time to hang out with friends. I work full-time, and I also value my own alone-time. She'd gone on family trips and a trip with her girlfriends without me, and I was okay with that. I couldn't afford to travel with her, and maybe that's another factor that bothered her. I don't want her to feel "trapped" by a relationship, but I do want a monogamous relationship with her again. I've looked back at the things I did wrong in the relationship, and I have a genuine desire to not make those mistakes again. We had a talk around the time I told her I was wanting to get back together (a few days after I realized it) and she told me things she needed to see changed in me before she could even consider it. Some I've already changed, some are in progress, and others I can't show unless she and I are back together. She hasn't mentioned those things in subsequent talks, though, so I don't know how that's going. Sorry if I end up talking in circles, but this whole situation has me so twisted around and confused. It's an emotional rollercoaster for me because some days I wake up with hope, and other days I feel like I have no chance.
Author lamenting_lost_love Posted June 24, 2012 Author Posted June 24, 2012 Is anyone able to offer some guidance? I have no clue what I'm doing.
Mary-Jane Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 Is anyone able to offer some guidance? I have no clue what I'm doing. Well if she started dating someone she likes you may have to wait it out. Would you be prepared to do that? If yes, let her go for now. If not - then you have no other choice than to move on.
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