Asked girl out at restaurant, what went wrong?

[johnwolfra]

Hello all, I just recently asked a girl out at a restaurant and it didn't work out too well. I'll lay down some details and see what your opinions are. Opinions from men and women would be helpful. Apologies for the length, but thought some detail would be helpful.

 

I eat at this restaurant regularly, and a couple weeks ago while I was eating I noticed that as this waitress was walking by my table (had never seen her before) she was looking at me and smiling. I thought to myself "hmm" and made a point to go over to her after my meal (when she wasn't busy) and asked her for a box (waiter had disappeared). I thanked her and made a little joke about something and said bye.

 

Few days later I'm eating there, and she just happens to be the one that my waiter sent to give me my condiments. I said "hello again" or something similar, continued the joke I made last time and asked her her name. Then I went back to eating. As I was leaving she looked over and waved.

 

Third time, again a few days later, I'm sitting there and after she gave some food to another table, she takes the long way around, stops next to me and says something like "you eat here a lot" to which I reply "I come 2 or 3 times a week." She then says "so why aren't you sitting in my section?" I told her jokingly that I'd have to put in a special request. Then she asked me if I was also a student at the local university and asked me what my major was. She asked if I knew a couple people and then I asked her what her major was. She was just standing there, my food was getting cold and I was out of things to say, so I said "well, I'll talk to you later." Then she, in my opinion, said bye nervously and went back to her section. I thought she was giving some decent signals so I thought I'd ask her out the next time I saw her.

 

So about three days later I'm there eating again. She walks by my table and waves on her way to sweep, etc. I start eating my meal and she has disappeared into the backroom. After like 15 minutes or so of not seeing her come back out, I was a little bold and asked my waitress if she was still there, and if she was that I'd like to say hello to her.

 

She comes walking out of the backroom, walks right up to my table and I start talking to her. I ask her about summer school, where she is from, etc. I tell her I'm doing an internship, and she asks where. I tell her and tell her I also work in a campus building. She asks what area in the building and says she may have seen me in there before. This chat went on for probably 10 minutes, after which I said "well, hey, what do you think about grabbing dinner sometime?". She curtly says "I don't think my boyfriend would like that", to which I respond "alright then", and turns around and walks quickly back into the kitchen (she had already turned around before I had a chance to speak).

 

So I personally think it is one of two things: she was flirting, but when she saw I was going to act on it she didn't think it was so harmless or fun anymore (meaning she actually does have a boyfriend) OR she was somehow freaked out at me asking her and said she had a boyfriend to get the heck out of there. It seems unlikely that she would have been so freaked out at my approach since I had talked to her multiple times and she was quite friendly. I suppose it is possible however, that "dinner" freaked her out, and maybe lunch would have been a safer offer. Still though, I feel like my first guess as to what occurred is more likely.

 

What are your thoughts on what exactly happened? It's certainly a head scratcher to me.

[KathyM]

I'm guessing she was just being friendly to the customers, especially if you are a regular there, and she turned you down because either she has a bf, or she was using that as an excuse because she wasn't interested. It's not really possible to tell if she really has a bf or not.

[Snakechammah]

Girls, girls, girls.... so many stories like this one.

 

Wants the warmth but can't take the heat. Don't you jst hate it when girls send out the wrong signal only to reject you later? Sigh..

 

These girls are just attention-seekers. Not a fan of those.

 

She probably does have a boyfriend. Perhaps, he's working there as well? Whatever it is, she was immature in her flirts and too abrupt in her rejection. She should have at least be polite about it. The way she did it was rather bitchy and self-centred if you ask me.

 

I wouldn't bother thinking of her anymore. Move on to a better conquest I say!

[CarrieT]

Easy - you were over-analyzing every interaction an conversation with a waitress who probably just saw you as a regular customer.

 

You were the one reading way more into what it was and got rebuffed. She was being friendly; big deal - lots of people in the service industry are - and got rejected when you thought there was more there.

 

Learn and move on; 'nuff said.

[Quiet Storm]

She is in the service industry. She is being paid to be friendly and welcoming to customers.

 

I don't see where she was flirting with you. Yes, she asked questions, but I think it was just small talk, as she is being paid to be nice to the customers.

 

She is trying to build a rapport with you, but not in a romantic way. She knows you come in multiple times per week, so she is thinking "Hmm, a regular, male customer, dining alone = good potential for consistent tips".

 

It can make a girl feel uncomfortable when their behavior is misinterpreted, which is why she was freaked out. You caught her off guard.

 

If there is anything to gain from this experience, it would be to consider the setting when attempting to interpret someone's behavior. Service people have to act friendly, so you can't assume that their interest in you is genuine. It didn't hurt to ask her out, though. You got your answer, now just move on to the next prospect.

[GravityMan]

It's a waitress's job to be friendly to customers.

 

I think it's in poor taste on your part to ask out a waitress (or any female service provider in any service or retail industry) on a date while they're on the job. Fortunately most of them are probably used to it.

 

Also some women communicate with everyone in a manner that can be interpreted as flirtatious, when it's simply her normal friendly personality.

[Shaun-Dro]

Hello all, I just recently asked a girl out at a restaurant and it didn't work out too well. I'll lay down some details and see what your opinions are. Opinions from men and women would be helpful. Apologies for the length, but thought some detail would be helpful.

 

I eat at this restaurant regularly, and a couple weeks ago while I was eating I noticed that as this waitress was walking by my table (had never seen her before) she was looking at me and smiling. I thought to myself "hmm" and made a point to go over to her after my meal (when she wasn't busy) and asked her for a box (waiter had disappeared). I thanked her and made a little joke about something and said bye.

 

Few days later I'm eating there, and she just happens to be the one that my waiter sent to give me my condiments. I said "hello again" or something similar, continued the joke I made last time and asked her her name. Then I went back to eating. As I was leaving she looked over and waved.

 

Third time, again a few days later, I'm sitting there and after she gave some food to another table, she takes the long way around, stops next to me and says something like "you eat here a lot" to which I reply "I come 2 or 3 times a week." She then says "so why aren't you sitting in my section?" I told her jokingly that I'd have to put in a special request. Then she asked me if I was also a student at the local university and asked me what my major was. She asked if I knew a couple people and then I asked her what her major was. She was just standing there, my food was getting cold and I was out of things to say, so I said "well, I'll talk to you later." Then she, in my opinion, said bye nervously and went back to her section. I thought she was giving some decent signals so I thought I'd ask her out the next time I saw her.

 

So about three days later I'm there eating again. She walks by my table and waves on her way to sweep, etc. I start eating my meal and she has disappeared into the backroom. After like 15 minutes or so of not seeing her come back out, I was a little bold and asked my waitress if she was still there, and if she was that I'd like to say hello to her.

 

She comes walking out of the backroom, walks right up to my table and I start talking to her. I ask her about summer school, where she is from, etc. I tell her I'm doing an internship, and she asks where. I tell her and tell her I also work in a campus building. She asks what area in the building and says she may have seen me in there before. This chat went on for probably 10 minutes, after which I said "well, hey, what do you think about grabbing dinner sometime?". She curtly says "I don't think my boyfriend would like that", to which I respond "alright then", and turns around and walks quickly back into the kitchen (she had already turned around before I had a chance to speak).

 

So I personally think it is one of two things: she was flirting, but when she saw I was going to act on it she didn't think it was so harmless or fun anymore (meaning she actually does have a boyfriend) OR she was somehow freaked out at me asking her and said she had a boyfriend to get the heck out of there. It seems unlikely that she would have been so freaked out at my approach since I had talked to her multiple times and she was quite friendly. I suppose it is possible however, that "dinner" freaked her out, and maybe lunch would have been a safer offer. Still though, I feel like my first guess as to what occurred is more likely.

 

What are your thoughts on what exactly happened? It's certainly a head scratcher to me.

 

Who cares what happened?! I know that sounds abrasive but don't waste your time trying to see where women's heads are. Take her answer to you for what it is and ignore her now, period.

[sigurpol]

Could be anything and I agree with some people here.

 

I don't think it was in poor taste for you to ask. You asked to get to know someone better, after you thought they had the same intent. To me, it was worth the shot. Then again, hopefully it isn't awkward from now on when you go in.

 

My best guess is that she was enjoying the playful company, the chats you had and probably wanted to keep it that way. It's nice when you can chat up a regular (I've worked in a service job for a few years) and the attention is a bonus. Before anyone freaks out, I'm not saying it's a girl or guy thing, just a person-thing. We all like it.

 

So, when the line is crossed from what it was, to something a tad more personal... might have caught her off guard. And she really might have a boyfriend too.

[johnwolfra]

I know she is in the service industry, but I thought she had less reason to be friendly to me since she has never actually waited on me. Also, I've had plenty of waitresses that were friendly (at other restaurants I'm a regular at) that were nice but did nowhere near as much small talk.

 

If someone asks me a number of personal questions, I see that as a signal. Women that work in the service industry should know they can't be overly nice to younger male customers.

 

Whoever said it was inappropriate to ask her out: so if someone is a waitress she can never be asked out? Assume that this girl actually did like me. Where else would I have asked her out? Creeped around and waited until she was leaving work? No. I know it is uncomfortable for them, but you know it is uncomfortable for us to ask too.

 

Any of the other things that happened very well could have been being friendly, but she *had* to know if I made a special request to talk to her that I wasn't just being friendly. I don't know *any* guys that would specifically ask to say hey to a girl like that unless they were good friends from way back in middle school or something. That also would have been the perfect time for her to give me a "customer" line like: "hey again, can I get anything for you?". If she was going to talk she could have broken off the conversation and said she had to get back to work without being rude.

 

I get the feeling that some girls really do not understand AT ALL the fact that most guys (every one I know) do not want to be their friend if they are attractive. Sure, they'll be your friend if you're a co-worker or whatever, but they are NOT going to actively seek out your friendship. I'm sure there are "obvious" facts about women like this that I don't know, but it would sure help us guys out if they knew this fact.

 

But yeah, I don't really care about that particular girl that much, I'm just frustrated that all my attempts have *always* failed, even as far back as middle school. I'm 24 now. Ive only been involved with like three girls ever and they've all come through the most bizarre ways. One for a few weeks with online dating (didn't work out, broke up with her), one was a friend of a friend on facebook that I barely even knew who started flirting with me, and the other was a friend of a friend on Facebook who I talked to regularly (seeing if I could wait out her relationship) who started to like me (although she lived 2.5 hrs away). It doesn't seem like any other guys I know have this much trouble getting girls without having to use the freaking internet! It's not like I have terrible social skills and I'm decent looking, so I don't know what the deal is. Maybe the problem is I only meet girls that work at restaurants or I have college classes with. In a few years most of the good women my age will either be taken (permanently; married) or have kids. What happened to my "prime" (late high school, college year women)?

[Els]

This is why asking out your waitress is probably the least successful thing to do. Not only is it a cold-call, meaning you know virtually nothing about her relationship status, but people in the industry are supposed to be friendly. It's what they do. If you're not extremely experienced and observant (and even then you may get it wrong), chances are very high that you'll misread interactions.

[Shaun-Dro]

I know she is in the service industry, but I thought she had less reason to be friendly to me since she has never actually waited on me. Also, I've had plenty of waitresses that were friendly (at other restaurants I'm a regular at) that were nice but did nowhere near as much small talk.

 

If someone asks me a number of personal questions, I see that as a signal. Women that work in the service industry should know they can't be overly nice to younger male customers.

 

Whoever said it was inappropriate to ask her out: so if someone is a waitress she can never be asked out? Assume that this girl actually did like me. Where else would I have asked her out? Creeped around and waited until she was leaving work? No. I know it is uncomfortable for them, but you know it is uncomfortable for us to ask too.

 

Any of the other things that happened very well could have been being friendly, but she *had* to know if I made a special request to talk to her that I wasn't just being friendly. I don't know *any* guys that would specifically ask to say hey to a girl like that unless they were good friends from way back in middle school or something. That also would have been the perfect time for her to give me a "customer" line like: "hey again, can I get anything for you?". If she was going to talk she could have broken off the conversation and said she had to get back to work without being rude.

 

I get the feeling that some girls really do not understand AT ALL the fact that most guys (every one I know) do not want to be their friend if they are attractive. Sure, they'll be your friend if you're a co-worker or whatever, but they are NOT going to actively seek out your friendship. I'm sure there are "obvious" facts about women like this that I don't know, but it would sure help us guys out if they knew this fact.

 

But yeah, I don't really care about that particular girl that much, I'm just frustrated that all my attempts have *always* failed, even as far back as middle school. I'm 24 now. Ive only been involved with like three girls ever and they've all come through the most bizarre ways. One for a few weeks with online dating (didn't work out, broke up with her), one was a friend of a friend on facebook that I barely even knew who started flirting with me, and the other was a friend of a friend on Facebook who I talked to regularly (seeing if I could wait out her relationship) who started to like me (although she lived 2.5 hrs away). It doesn't seem like any other guys I know have this much trouble getting girls without having to use the freaking internet! It's not like I have terrible social skills and I'm decent looking, so I don't know what the deal is. Maybe the problem is I only meet girls that work at restaurants or I have college classes with. In a few years most of the good women my age will either be taken (permanently; married) or have kids. What happened to my "prime" (late high school, college year women)?

 

I'm going to lay this out for you nice and thick: this woman did like you at first, but then decided not to let it go any further by throwing that line in your face about having a boyfriend or whatever. She backed out because she got confused and scared. It's the typical female response to a man's interest.

 

I guarantee you that if you were to practice this approach with 50 other women they will all respond in the same manner, given you change up on places where you ask them out. I would love to make a wager with you on how correct I am of this notion because experience speaks volume.

[pteromom]

I agree that she was probably being friendly and not expecting you to ask her out.

 

BUT - I think it was good that you asked. The only way to get anywhere is to try.

 

I would even go back in and tell her "Sorry about the other day; I didn't know you had a boyfriend. Do you have any single friends?" in a joking way. You never know what will lead to meeting someone!

 

Don't let a rejection get to you. If you ask 100 times and get ONE yes that leads to a great relationship, it was all worth it.

[Vintage79]

Women that work in the service industry should know they can't be overly nice to younger male customers.

 

This statement is ridiculous - why do women in the service industry have to be intentionally bitchy, or at least not nice, toward younger guys? I don't think that this is something that they "should know", let alone practice.

 

I get that you misinterpretted signals, and I'm sorry about that (it can be rough) - but to make this kind of statement - well, in my opinion is suggestive of why you're disappointed.

 

I'm 33 now, but I always - now, and when I was younger - appreciated very friendly staff at the lcoations I frequented - it didn't matter if they were a guy or girl - if you go there 2-3 times a week, and they recognize you, what's wrong with knowing a bit more than, "he likes coffee - black"?

 

Hopefully you didn't spoil that friendly repartee with this girl...it may seem a bit awkward now when you walk in the door - this is very analogous to not dating people from work (at least from the small groups that you routinely see/work with).

[Feelsgoodman]

I'm 33 now, but I always - now, and when I was younger - appreciated very friendly staff at the lcoations I frequented - it didn't matter if they were a guy or girl - if you go there 2-3 times a week, and they recognize you, what's wrong with knowing a bit more than, "he likes coffee - black"?

Really?? I guess I'm the opposite of you. I always get annoyed when staff at places I frequent starts getting too familiar. I want service people to be nice and polite but I sure as hell don't want them to ask personal question or try to be my friend.

[pteromom]

I'm 33 now, but I always - now, and when I was younger - appreciated very friendly staff at the lcoations I frequented - it didn't matter if they were a guy or girl - if you go there 2-3 times a week, and they recognize you, what's wrong with knowing a bit more than, "he likes coffee - black"?

 

Hopefully you didn't spoil that friendly repartee with this girl...it may seem a bit awkward now when you walk in the door - this is very analogous to not dating people from work (at least from the small groups that you routinely see/work with).

 

I agree with you.

 

And I too enjoy becoming "friends" with the service personnel at places I frequent.

 

When I was a cashier, I ALWAYS joked around with my customers. Some of them probably DID think I was flirting, but I was only being friendly and enjoying a connection with a person I saw regularly.

 

And yes, I did get asked out from time to time. But only said yes twice. Most of the guys (and one girl) who asked me out were people I only viewed as friends.

[Quiet Storm]

Women that work in the service industry should know they can't be overly nice to younger male customers.

 

 

 

WTF? I could easily say that male customers should know that waitresses are paid to be nice and to not take friendly comments personally. Please...they are working for tips! They are supposed to alter their behavior in case their friendliness is misinterpreted by some guy with a fragile ego?

 

Unless they are lucky enought to have a blunt father like I did, most attractive young women have no idea that as they are going about their daily business, men are constantly sizing them up, making assumptions and interpreting their every glance, hair toss or courteous comment.

 

As women age, most of us figure this out, but it is not something that most of us automatically know.

Edited June 21, 2012 by Quiet Storm

[veggirl]

Actually I disagree she was "Just doing her job". She was never even his waitress. And working in customer service, surely she has been hit on tons of times so if she didn't want to be hit on she wouldn't be offering extra attention to some guy. I've worked in customer service, it takes like nothing for a dude to hit on you -- I gave dudes the LEAST amount of attention I could get away with! I'd understand the random smiles / chit chat more if he was her customer (so she'd get a higher tip or whatever) but not when he is in someone elses section etc. I mean come on a college girl working at a local restaurant, she doesn't care THAT much about its business to be going out of her way to converse with customers she doesn't have to converse with.

[Quiet Storm]

Actually I disagree she was "Just doing her job". She was never even his waitress. And working in customer service, surely she has been hit on tons of times so if she didn't want to be hit on she wouldn't be offering extra attention to some guy. I've worked in customer service, it takes like nothing for a dude to hit on you -- I gave dudes the LEAST amount of attention I could get away with! I'd understand the random smiles / chit chat more if he was her customer (so she'd get a higher tip or whatever) but not when he is in someone elses section etc. I mean come on a college girl working at a local restaurant, she doesn't care THAT much about its business to be going out of her way to converse with customers she doesn't have to converse with.

 

From my perspective, it didn't matter if he was in her section on that particular occasion, because he goes there three times per week. Once she found out he was a regular customer, she chatted him up to establish a rapport with him, for future tips. No different than any sales person, tips are her commission.

[veggirl]

From my perspective, it didn't matter if he was in her section on that particular occasion, because he goes there three times per week. Once she found out he was a regular customer, she chatted him up to establish a rapport with him, for future tips. No different than any sales person, tips are her commission.

 

It just really doubt that it was for future tips. Could be, but I doubt it, that's just my experience though. OP is a college kid...he's never gonna be leaving HUGE tips, all this extra rapport would never be necessary.

[Feelsgoodman]

From my perspective, it didn't matter if he was in her section on that particular occasion, because he goes there three times per week. Once she found out he was a regular customer, she chatted him up to establish a rapport with him, for future tips. No different than any sales person, tips are her commission.

Exactly. Pretty much all women who work in the service industry, from strippers to bank tellers, are nice to you because they have to be. Either they are hustling you for money (as in the case of strippers, waitresses, bartenders, etc.) or they are trying to provide good customer service to avoid getting fired because someone complains against them. That's why you never waste your time hitting on those chicks.

[dizy]

What you are saying makes a lot of sense, but being in the service industry myself, I do feel like I am paid to be nice to customers . and no, customers are just customers no matter whether they are male or female customers. There are some cute ones, and I notice that, but I dont actually imagine anything romantic with them because I dont know them personally.

 

I actually think that you had the right attitude. Yeah its frustrating that she said no but at least you know whats her answer.

 

You are not the only who claimed that guys dont just want to be friends with attractive girls, but attractiveness is relative. I never thought that I was particularly ugly or pretty, but i do know that some people are interested by my physical appearance and some are not (without knowing which proportion is bigger). So I can never tell whether guys are just flirty or really interested.

[Princess71]

She did ask him why are you not in my section. I think that was a misleading thing to say if she had no interest, unless she was really desperate for a nice tip which I doubt.

[sid3]

She did ask him why are you not in my section. I think that was a misleading thing to say if she had no interest, unless she was really desperate for a nice tip which I doubt.

 

That means absolutely nothing. The OP read way too much into her friendliness.

[Feelsgoodman]

I actually think that you had the right attitude. Yeah its frustrating that she said no but at least you know whats her answer.

Actually, no, he did not have the right attitude. That ho was clearly hustling him for money...in a pretty transparent manner. She wanted him to seat in her section (she even said that) so that she would get the tips and not the other waitress. Only someone who is naive would not see through that sh*t.

[NYC-BigKat]

Uhhhh..I asked a girl out couple times at food places & they all said no. Uh I think 1 girl said yea & gave me her number but she never picked up when I called . I agree with people here to just be nice 'cause they gonna be nice back to u. Its their jobs though.