wtfmoment Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 I know with all my heart I should have thought twice about who I was with. Him constantly finding ways to cover for his crap has lead to this. The "H" comes in our room at 5 am this morning, flicks on the lights and says " I had a bad dream". I wake up "what!" go back to sleep and 20 minutes later he's back with the same mess. Tells me that he had a bad dream regarding my second daughter and that something is not right. As gawd is my witness all of my children are his, I haven't messed with anyone since the very beginning of our relationship, which is another story all together. Yes, I did cheat once and it was not right, but I was not sure if we were going to be together. I take responsibility for this although he won't take responsibility that he did it first. I apologized and never went back to that. It has been 5 years, I have maintained an isolated life, no friends, no nothing, just me being a housewife and trying to take care of our kids and bend over backwards for him so that he is satisfied. I'm tired, but I don't want to be a single mom so I let him run over me. After years of not having anything of my own he is willing to drop me over a ****ing dream.
carhill Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 Welcome to LS So, does his 'dream' indicate that your daughter is not his biologically, but rather the result of an affair? Your current life sounds like an unhealthy imbalance laid at the altar of a past affair. Have you and he had any marriage or individual counseling? Ages here?
skywriter Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 I'm tired, but I don't want to be a single mom so I let him run over me. After years of not having anything of my own he is willing to drop me over a ****ing dream. Wow, worst and saddest reason in the world to stay in a bad relationship. Especially if you have a child and this is what they learn to do, when they grow up. He's not dropping you over a dream, that's a cop out excuse. I think you should live with the idea that nobodies promised tomorrow.
BetheButterfly Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 I know with all my heart I should have thought twice about who I was with. Him constantly finding ways to cover for his crap has lead to this. The "H" comes in our room at 5 am this morning, flicks on the lights and says " I had a bad dream". I wake up "what!" go back to sleep and 20 minutes later he's back with the same mess. Tells me that he had a bad dream regarding my second daughter and that something is not right. As gawd is my witness all of my children are his, I haven't messed with anyone since the very beginning of our relationship, which is another story all together. Yes, I did cheat once and it was not right, but I was not sure if we were going to be together. I take responsibility for this although he won't take responsibility that he did it first. I apologized and never went back to that. It has been 5 years, I have maintained an isolated life, no friends, no nothing, just me being a housewife and trying to take care of our kids and bend over backwards for him so that he is satisfied. I'm tired, but I don't want to be a single mom so I let him run over me. After years of not having anything of my own he is willing to drop me over a ****ing dream. You need help. How he treats you is wrong. Please seek a women's shelter and talk with a counselor, because being a single mom is not bad. Please don't let him hurt you anymore. Thanks.
Author wtfmoment Posted June 21, 2012 Author Posted June 21, 2012 He has always questioned my second daughter, he also questions my son a little. All of my children have my features, 2 of them have my color. The two that look more like me he treats very different. He swears he does not but he does. When I cheated on him we were not married, this was a year into our relationship which we both should have parted ways. He is 12 years older than me. I thought getting in a relationship at the age with an older man was the right thing,but boy was I wrong. He let go of women who had jobs and college education just to be with me. I should have seen that as a red flag. I have been depressed about that horrible day for so long, but made the best of it cause I felt I had no way out. He wanted me to be a housewife, everytime I mentioned finding a job it would result in a huge argument with him. Back then I read it to mean that maybe he felt that I didn't believe he could provide well so I tried to find satisfaction in my role. Now today, I know that he used it as a bargaining tool and it worked. I have absolutely nowhere to go, no car, nothing. My credit is shot from him putting everything in my name and not paying it off. I totally got screwed and somehow I believe he did it on purpose. He has dropped me before for no reason and I beg to come back cause I have nothing. I don't understand why he keeps doing this to me. So I f'ed up five years ago, yes I know but he can not honestly be still holding that over my head he cheated too! Multiple times had multiple EA's and I would cry and he didn't care. At least I was sorry and meant it. I changed everything about me to be better. I dove straight into mom and wife and honor it. My kids have a lot to with me not messing up again more than he knows. I didn't want them to have a Maury scenario ruin their lives. Plus my babies came a whole year after the infidelity.
BetheButterfly Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 He has always questioned my second daughter, he also questions my son a little. All of my children have my features, 2 of them have my color. The two that look more like me he treats very different. He swears he does not but he does. When I cheated on him we were not married, this was a year into our relationship which we both should have parted ways. He is 12 years older than me. I thought getting in a relationship at the age with an older man was the right thing,but boy was I wrong. He let go of women who had jobs and college education just to be with me. I should have seen that as a red flag. I have been depressed about that horrible day for so long, but made the best of it cause I felt I had no way out. He wanted me to be a housewife, everytime I mentioned finding a job it would result in a huge argument with him. Back then I read it to mean that maybe he felt that I didn't believe he could provide well so I tried to find satisfaction in my role. Now today, I know that he used it as a bargaining tool and it worked. I have absolutely nowhere to go, no car, nothing. My credit is shot from him putting everything in my name and not paying it off. I totally got screwed and somehow I believe he did it on purpose. He has dropped me before for no reason and I beg to come back cause I have nothing. I don't understand why he keeps doing this to me. So I f'ed up five years ago, yes I know but he can not honestly be still holding that over my head he cheated too! Multiple times had multiple EA's and I would cry and he didn't care. At least I was sorry and meant it. I changed everything about me to be better. I dove straight into mom and wife and honor it. My kids have a lot to with me not messing up again more than he knows. I didn't want them to have a Maury scenario ruin their lives. Plus my babies came a whole year after the infidelity. All that you are writing shows that you need to talk to a counselor at a women's shelter. You don't have to be physically abused in order to go for help. You don't need to get him in trouble, but how you are living is hurting you, and this hurts your children too. You need to take action to help yourself. Please please please call a women's shelter, or email them what you just wrote, and ask for help. My sister works at a women's shelter, and many do help women who are trapped. Hopefully they can help you get on your feet. Maybe a separation from your husband might help him to make things right with you and not treat you like dirt, ok? As for being a housewife and Mom, those are both awesome jobs!!! They are nothing to be ashamed about, but you do need friends, and it would help a lot for you to have assets in your name, and you do need help seeing how to make your credit better. You do need support and encouragement. It would be great if your husband could help you with all these things. He needs counseling, and possibly financial counseling, but you can't force him to do anything. You can, however, get help. As for not having a car, most women's shelters will meet women in a location where they can walk to... they don't normally meet the woman at her house because they don't want someone to see and follow. They strive to keep the women and children safe. Please at least research women's shelters in your area and see if they can help make life easier, k? Maybe they can help you feel not so trapped and hopeless and all alone.
whichwayisup Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 DO a paternity test..Put all this to rest. It isn't fair to the kids that he is treating differently. I'm sure once the tests show ALL the kids are his, he's going to feel like a flippin' fool.. Get to marriage counselling if you want to fix things, or even end things. Counselling will help you get strong so you can make a decision. Allowing this behaviour to continue is just going to depress you and make you feel worse.
BetrayedH Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 I wanted to second the idea of a paternity test. Infidelity does horrible damage to trust and most of us here that have been betrayed would say that it never returns to full strength. I'm not justifying him treating you poorly but saying that the trust issue is no surprise to me at all. The fact that he cheated as well doesn't change that for him; it just made the situation exponentially worse because you are also dealing with betrayal. But there is no "even." There's just two sides hurting and both have to work at rebuilding trust for years while dealing with not trusting the one they're helping. It's awful. Being fully transparent, truly remorseful and making efforts to rebuild trust via both words and actions over time is all that can help. Even then sometimes it is not enough and reveals itself to have been a dealbreaker after all. The paternity test can put one issue to bed. It's one of the few trust issues that can be scientifically proven. Just go get it done. Then tackle the other issues. My $.02 anyway. It's not the time that matters as much as what you do with the time. If your indiscretions were swept under the rug, you'll keep tripping over the rug.
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