Nefrit80 Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 (edited) Hey guys, I need your advice/help/support. First, I apologize for my English, it isn’t my first language, I live in Europe. So here is my story. In February I met this man (39) through a colleage and everything was just perfect. We are both teachers, I am 32, we both are ready to start family andwas seeking for a committed, serious relationship. We were really honest with each other from the beginning. He knew I had a dog, a 3 year old English CockerSpaniel, living with me in the apartement. She is a registered therapy dog, Iwork with her at a local children’s hospital and at the Hospice House. My bfseems all fine with her, 2 weeks ago she asked me to move in with him at theend of August and we were planning our summer vacation, where he wanted to takemy dog as well. Actually I was the one, who didn’t want to take her, as my parentslook after her perfectly when I travel. They live 1 hr from me, but adore my dog and are more than happy to haveher anytime. Last Sunday my bf introduced me to his brothers and their families, everything was fine, when at the end of the day, on a football gamehe casually mentioned „your dog bothers me”…I was completely shocked as he never sad anything about the dog! My dog is super friendly and totally adored him. I asked him what exactly bothered him… 1. Shedding. I understood this, I don’t like it either. I clean my apt. almost every day, I offered the same at his apt., but he never let me to do so. 2. Barking.Fact, my dog bark when someone knows on the door. So I contacted the trainerwho worked with her when she was a puppy to teach her not to bark. 3.She smells….well,I told him that she gets a bath every week, as she must be super clean at thehospital and at the Hospice, so she isn’t a stinky dog, but surely doesn’tsmell like a human… 4.I must walkher, so we can’t stay away as long as we want…Well, it is a fact too….my dog isfine alone for 8 hrs, she sleeps, doesn’t bark, doesn’t chew, completely housetrained…But she must go out and to me it’s obvious, that if I am away for 8hrs, then I must hurry home to take her out…If I have to stay longer, I usually know it in advance and she stays at my parents’. 5.It’s annoyingthat he hears her walking around the apt…So I told him I ’d buy some extracarpets in his apt., so he doesn’t hear her nails on the floor. 6.His studioflat is too small for a dog…..true, it is small….So I asked him to move into abigger apt, where we could have at least one extra room, where the dog isn’tallow to enter….But he said he loved his apt, didn’t feel like moving. None of the above mentionedmade him feel any better about my dog, he just kept saying „I just can’t standanother living creature in my apt.” Last week we met only twice (before we metevery day, and he called 3 times daily) to discuss about this problem. He askedme to get rid of my dog, which I refused. I love this dog and she is my responsibility.Really, I could never give her up. This week on Monday he came over and we saidour final good-byes. He said he was very dissapointed with himself, as he neverimagined this could be such a big issue for me and never tought ourrelationship would end like this. Me neither, we were talking about kids andfamily…and he never said anything bad about my dog….I am still in shock, I didn’tsee this coming :-( Edited June 21, 2012 by Nefrit80
Ruby65 Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 Wow -- that sounds crazy! All I can say is, kids are loud, messy and stinky -- you DON'T want to be having a family with someone who's so inflexible that he finds even a sweet little dog to be intolerable. He's bothered by a little dog hair or a bark at the door? Try waking up at 3 in the morning to a screaming infant that's got teething pains and explosive diarrhea! I know it's painful, but I really do think you dodged a bullet. If he's willing to walk away over so little, it's better to know that now rather than later. Has there been any contact since Monday? 3
Author Nefrit80 Posted June 21, 2012 Author Posted June 21, 2012 Nope, I haven't heard of him..He said on Monday that one of these days he would drop my things that are still in apt., but I asked him to throw them away...Those things are not important at all and I just didn't want to see him again....I am so deeply dissapointed and shocked that I didn't notice the signs...This whole thing just came from seemingly nowhere....I had fun with him straight on from our 1st date, I really thought he was the one...
Snakechammah Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 A dog is forever faithful... can't say the same for a man! I applaud that you chose your dog over that man-dog. If he doesn't have a heart for animals, especially one that YOU love with all your heart, I find his love questionable. You are a good owner. I am sure your dog makes you happy more than that man ever will. Good luck with the search for love. When one door closes, another one opens! Hopefully, it will be with someone who loves everything about you - including your cute doggie! 1
Sugarkane Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 I agree with the other posters if he can't take a well behaved dog, how would he take a baby crying in the middle of the night? Getting no sleep? That's why I like dogs too they aren't like guys and are always faithful.
fucpcg Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 Any girl that doesn't like my dog and six cats will be gone, because I am never getting rid of my dog and six cats. They were there long before her, and will be there long after her. 2
BB7 Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 This seems strange, is he just looking for an excuse to break up or argue? I'm sorry that there has been a break up because of it but seriously over a small well trained dog? I think you've dodged a bullet also. 1
norajane Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 My bf seems all fine with her, 2 weeks ago she asked me to move in with him at the end of August he just kept saying „I just can’t stand another living creature in my apt.” Maybe he was having second thoughts about you moving in, and not just because of the dog, but because YOU also would be "another living creature" in his apartment. His life and lifestyle would have to change with you there. Or, he could just not like dogs. Either way, he was obviously not right for you. It's better to find this out quickly and move on.
radiodarcy Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 the last guy that dumped me, complained about my dog and two cats; he claimed to be allergic to cats and would make me lock everyone up whenever he came to visit. about a year after he dumped me i found out his new girlfriend had a dog and cat that he absolutely loved and was not allergic too. so - - maybe it wasn't the dog and cats after all - - it was just me :/ all the same - - i'm glad it didn't work out. there is no way i would have given up my pets for him - - or anyone else for that matter. 1
denise_xo Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 I agree with the other posters if he can't take a well behaved dog, how would he take a baby crying in the middle of the night? I don't really buy that analogy. Personally, I don't want any kind of pets within my living space, and I would feel the same way whether I had children or not. They are two very different categories to me. I also wouldn't be very happy to be requested to sell an apartment and find another one to accommodate a dog. On the other hand, I would never ask anyone to get rid of a pet because of me. I think both his and the OP's perspectives are legitimate. Pets is an area where some people don't find compatibility, and that's just kind of the way it is.
Author Nefrit80 Posted June 22, 2012 Author Posted June 22, 2012 Thank you Everyone! I also think my dog was only an excuse, some kind of cover story for the break up. I am well aware of the fact, that some ppl just don't like dogs, and I am fine with that....so is my dog :-) She just doesn't approach ppl, who are reluctant to get in contact with her...she just learnt it from her work as a therapy dog. She is very polite and doesn't "force" herself on people. But for my ex she totally went nuts, she was extremly happy whenever they met. Anyhow, he knew straight from the beginning about my dog...and he kinda seemed proud of her being a therapy dog. When I was on tv talking about therapy dogs at the Hospice House he made sure all of his family & friends watched the interview. This whole thing just hurts me real bad, but I am moving on with dignity. As soon as he left my house after the break up I erased his phone #, I won't contact him at all for sure. I believed in this relationship and had high hopes about our future together. Now it feels like grieving...but at the end of the day, I am gonna be fine and continue my volunteer work with my dog.
CopingGal Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 Kudos to you for keeping your dog. But I have to say...a bath every week, that sounds way to often for a dog. Doesn't that harm the dog? If your dog is a therapy dog, that means she's sweet and gentle. Screw him. And I LOVE the pitter-patter of little paws!
Author Nefrit80 Posted June 22, 2012 Author Posted June 22, 2012 I know it is way too often, I don't like it either, but that's the requirement of the hospital where my dog works. I always use chemical-free, herbal shampoo in order to protect her skin and keep her coat shiny and healthy. Inside and out she must be in top condition, for the Hospice I must take a paper every month, signed by her doctor to prove she is healthy. Honestly, I never thought having her could be a deal breaker with a man.
YellowShark Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 (edited) Well I guess I am going to be the odd man out here. I have ended a relationship because of a dog. Why? Because the dog was more important than "us." Our time together revolved around the dog, the dog's wants, the dog's needs. It became intolerable that a dog took precedence over our relationship. It became a wedge that continually drove us apart. Cuddling in bed in the morning was often cut short or interrupted because "the dog" had to pee. Everytime I went over my clothes would get covered in dog hair no matter how well she kept the place clean. The dog would interrupt watching movies on the couch together, (we couldn't get through ANY movie without being interrupted.) Every meal was interrupted by the dog, hell, we couldn't even plan a romantic getaway for a weekend because "who's gonna take care of the dog?" Etc... Etc... So before you tar and feather this guy as the anti-christ and evil animal-hater put yourself in his shoes and think if you maybe were unconsciously putting the dog first and his needs second. ETA Even sex was interrupted by "the dog," and I became resentful that we couldn't do anything without considering the dog's needs. And like most pet owners she became insulted that I was bothered that the dog basically controlled what we did, when we did it, and how long we did it for. Most pet owners are blind to this reality which is valid and *real* to the person who doesn't own a dog. Edited June 22, 2012 by YellowShark 1
Author Nefrit80 Posted June 22, 2012 Author Posted June 22, 2012 YellowShark, thanks so much for your answer, it's much appreciated. I genuinely want to understand the "other side". You have really good points but I assume you told these things to the girl before you guys broke up. He didn't tell me anything. When it became an issue it just hit me out of the blue, although I always asked him...But when the other one keep saying "No, it is all fine, she is sweet" etc, how am I supposed to know that he is in fact irritated? The ship is gone, but I believe in communication...If I have a problem I tell. I really care/cared about him and his feelings and never wanted to cause him any inconvenience. I was the one, who didn't want to take the dog with us on vacation & when he introduced me to his parents, he wanted to take the dog as well....I asked him not to do so, so my dog stayed with my friend for the day. Sure I got up early in the morning to take the dog out, but I went back to bed...To me my dog wasn't more important than us, but surely I had to consider her needs. Too bad he didn't tell me anything, I just think it is not fair to break up with someone without at least hinting that you have problems. I had no clue that this dog thing escalated this far for him.
utterer of lies Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 A dog is forever faithful... can't say the same for a man! Yeah, right. You don't know too many dogs, do you? The are the most easy-to-bribe animal species I've ever encountered. You can lead them astray with just a little piece of meat. And yes, the always return to their owners... when they get hungry. That said, I love dogs...
CopingGal Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 Yeah, right. You don't know too many dogs, do you? The are the most easy-to-bribe animal species I've ever encountered. You can lead them astray with just a little piece of meat. And yes, the always return to their owners... when they get hungry. That said, I love dogs... Seriously, I understand you love dogs, but in case you aren't kidding and still feel that all dogs do is follow people around for meat, then meet Juno. Special bond of a rescue dog and dying boy - TODAY Pets & Animals - TODAY.com 2
Eddie Edirol Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 YellowShark, thanks so much for your answer, it's much appreciated. I genuinely want to understand the "other side". You have really good points but I assume you told these things to the girl before you guys broke up. He didn't tell me anything. When it became an issue it just hit me out of the blue, although I always asked him...But when the other one keep saying "No, it is all fine, she is sweet" etc, how am I supposed to know that he is in fact irritated? The ship is gone, but I believe in communication...If I have a problem I tell. I really care/cared about him and his feelings and never wanted to cause him any inconvenience. I was the one, who didn't want to take the dog with us on vacation & when he introduced me to his parents, he wanted to take the dog as well....I asked him not to do so, so my dog stayed with my friend for the day. Sure I got up early in the morning to take the dog out, but I went back to bed...To me my dog wasn't more important than us, but surely I had to consider her needs. Too bad he didn't tell me anything, I just think it is not fair to break up with someone without at least hinting that you have problems. I had no clue that this dog thing escalated this far for him. Theres plenty of men out there for you that like dogs, you just gotta do your due diligence to find them. Dont want for them to come to you. That said, I'll hazard a guess that he planned from the beginning to get you so attached to him that he could convince you to get rid of the dog for him. Thats why it came out of nowhere, he never liked the dog. I think he put on the act because he knew he would try to convince you at some point, and if it didnt work he would bail on the relationship. I'm sure he would have been different with his own children, but he just isnt into dogs.
Snakechammah Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 Yeah, right. You don't know too many dogs, do you? The are the most easy-to-bribe animal species I've ever encountered. You can lead them astray with just a little piece of meat. And yes, the always return to their owners... when they get hungry. That said, I love dogs... That pretty much sums it up with guys too... can always lead them astray with a little piece of meat! ...and they always return to their owners - their wives! 4
YellowShark Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 YellowShark, thanks so much for your answer, it's much appreciated. I genuinely want to understand the "other side". You have really good points but I assume you told these things to the girl before you guys broke up. Absolutely. We spoke about it. Nicely. But she always took it as rejection of her, (and there was absolutely nothing wrong with *her.*) It was the dog. Yet somehow she and the dog are one. Inseparable intellectually. Like most rabid pet owners. And a dog is not a child. Sorry not drawing that parallel. If your child and your dog were drowning in a submerged car, and you could only save one, you'd save your child. 10 times out of 10. So if I date someone with a child it is a commitment I can live with. Picking up dog turds, endlessly removing hair from my clothes, and wiping up puke off the rug for the next decade is a commitment I can do without. It began doing everything that she did with her dog without question. But, a few weeks into that, I didn't want to go for a walk.. at 9:30pm.. in the winter.. so doggy could crap. I stayed inside. That seemed to piss her off a bit, once again I was rejecting *her*, instead of rejecting going out on a cold winter night so doggy can wander around aimlessly for 20 mins looking for a place to take a frikkin' dump. After all, she and the dog are a "package deal" that's the pet-owner's mindset. Then I began to notice how we could never curl up on the couch and watch an entire movie together. No way. Not an entire movie. At some point during any 2 hour movie doggy would crave attention, or bark at something, or inevitably need to pee/dump. Same during weekend morning's. We didn't see each other all week sometimes. We'd finally be able to curl up together and just hang in bed.. no work.. sleep in together.. but nope. At some point during EVERY morning doggy would crave attention, or bark at something, or inevitably need to pee/dump. Sleeping arm in arm undisturbed till noon on a Saturday or Sunday was simply a pipe dream of mine. The dog's need's broke the rhythm of romance. It was stuff like that which made me eventually resent the dog because it became a wedge in our relationship. Hell, we couldn't even stay out as long as we liked because at some point doggy would need supervision, food/drink, or inevitably need to pee/dump. So the dog was all-consuming in daily life. He didn't tell me anything. When it became an issue it just hit me out of the blue, although I always asked him...But when the other one keep saying "No, it is all fine, she is sweet" etc, how am I supposed to know that he is in fact irritated? You are not a mind reader. He should have been honest if he did have an issue. I dunno what his deal was, don't know him. But what I do know is I did try to discuss it, and criticism "of the dog" was taken as criticism of *her.* The two were indivisible, which I tried to convince her is not the case. I never asked her to choose me or the dog, I just told her why I was struggling with the relationship... it was "the dog." The ship is gone, but I believe in communication...If I have a problem I tell. I really care/cared about him and his feelings and never wanted to cause him any inconvenience. I was the one, who didn't want to take the dog with us on vacation & when he introduced me to his parents, he wanted to take the dog as well....I asked him not to do so, so my dog stayed with my friend for the day. Sure I got up early in the morning to take the dog out, but I went back to bed...To me my dog wasn't more important than us, but surely I had to consider her needs. Too bad he didn't tell me anything, I just think it is not fair to break up with someone without at least hinting that you have problems. I had no clue that this dog thing escalated this far for him. Communication is the key to any healthy relationship. I tried to communicate but any criticism of the dog was taken as criticism of her. She and the dog are one. So eventually I had to bail. And I *really* liked her, but I was not going to make her choose between me and her dog. She just needs to find a guy who likes dogs enough to take it's needs on as well as hers.
Author Nefrit80 Posted June 25, 2012 Author Posted June 25, 2012 YellowShark, thanks again for telling me/us these things, you helped me to understand him and his decision better. Too bad it didn't come directly from him but oh well.I only wish we could have talked about it, like you guys did...I think I am mature enough to devide my personality from my dog's, we are not one, but surely a team. Having & training a working dog gave me the benefit of not taking personal when someone criticize my dog. Since I have my dog I have been 100% honest with the men I dated about her and told them on the 1st date how it was to have a working dog and that I have additional responsibilities besides walking her. Well....I try not to have bad feelings about him, it just makes me sad he didn't tell anything sooner.
YellowShark Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 (edited) YellowShark, thanks again for telling me/us these things, you helped me to understand him and his decision better. Too bad it didn't come directly from him but oh well.I only wish we could have talked about it, like you guys did...I think I am mature enough to devide my personality from my dog's, we are not one, but surely a team. Having & training a working dog gave me the benefit of not taking personal when someone criticize my dog. Since I have my dog I have been 100% honest with the men I dated about her and told them on the 1st date how it was to have a working dog and that I have additional responsibilities besides walking her. Well....I try not to have bad feelings about him, it just makes me sad he didn't tell anything sooner. A lot of pet owners think of their pet as a child so any criticism of the pet is taken personal. My guess is there is more to his story than he is admitting. I have no problem with dogs. I have had three. It's just some people like me just get to a point in their lives where we don't want an animal to take care of anymore. It's like having a "special needs" child that requires supervision and care 24/7 365. Don't have the energy for that anymore. I thought I could get past it with this girl I adored. But I couldn't. Especially when the dog would interrupt lovemaking or cuddle time. You're "in the zone" then BOOM, the doggy is begging to be fed or has to pee/poop... Ugh. Soooo ruins the moment. I just began to resent the dog. So I would never make her chose between her dog or me, I simply had to be honest with myself and bail. Too bad, she was a fantasic woman. Edited June 25, 2012 by YellowShark
Author Nefrit80 Posted July 11, 2012 Author Posted July 11, 2012 Hey guys, thought I would update you about the last 3 weeks since we broke up. Well, he didn't contact me, I didn't contact him either. It was his bday on July 8th, mine on the 9th, but none of us texted each other. I only wished him happy bday and all the best to him in my mind :-) Over the past weeks I have found some peace and comfort, altough I miss him, as my feelings were true to him. But I understood that our paths only crossed each other for a short period of time and we must continue our journey w/out each other. I have been keeping busy, taking my dog to work and last week I got a call from the local childen's hospice facility to visit them once a week from September. It's a great honor and I truly appreciate that they have chosen us. Last week we visited with my colleagues and the dogs sick children at the Serious Fun Camp and -without wanting to be too emotional- it was a an incredible, life-altering experience. One little boy, about 7, came to me at the end of the day, hugged me and said "Thank you so much for bringing your angel here"...he was talking about my dog. He made me realize, that is was not my ex's "fault" that he didn't like my dog....and it is not my mistake that I have and love my dog. It's just a fact :-)
CopingGal Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 You know, your dog sounds like a kind gentle creature, and you've bent over backwards to make this man more comfortable (ex: offering to clean his house from the dog hair). Sounds like this man is just coming up with excuses. Honey, it would be hard...HARD for me to give up my dog for a man. That man would have to be man out of gold and be the greatest man on earth. Your dog is wonderful. Better to break his heart and your dog's and yours. Find yourself a man who would love your dog and there are PLENTY out there.
Author Nefrit80 Posted July 11, 2012 Author Posted July 11, 2012 Thank you CopingGal, I am determined to find a man, who loves my dog (and me as well):-)
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