SpiralOut Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 I'm getting confused by the mixed messages I'm getting from people. I can't figure out if I'm doing something wrong or if this is just normal stuff that happens.... first of all, an old friend from college is on my FB. She moved away and I did not hear from her for almost 2 years. I sent her emails but received no response. Then suddenly out of the blue I received a phone call from her. She apologized for not talking to me, explained she had gone through a tough time, etc. We met up at Thanksgiving. I haven't heard from her since. I've sent emails, FB messages, etc. I know she is active online because I can see her talking to other people and she made a comment on something I posted one time. So she's not completely ignoring me, but at the same time, is not responding to any of the private messages. I think it may be her personal issues getting in the way again, hard to say, but I'm getting frustrated and feeling like we aren't even friends anymore. second of all, I posted here about this girl who befriended me in the past. I tried to get back in touch with her and she agreed right away that she'd like to meet up. I asked her when would be good for her and I have not received a response in over a month now. Someone else I know, I used to work with briefly. For some reason whenever we run into each other she asks if I want to leave the company and she will help me to get a job where she works if I want. I have declined each time, not wanting to seem like I'm using her, and also I didn't feel ready for a job change. I have sent her messages before just saying hello how are you and she'll ask if I I'm looking for a new job and I tell her no. But a few weeks ago I decided, maybe I should take her up on her offer and I messaged her asking. No response. Is this normal to happen, or am I doing something wrong? It feels like pepole are playing games with me.
burningashes Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 I went through the exact same thing very recently. I was best friends with someone until we had a huge falling out a few years ago that caused us to stop speaking to each other. She messaged me on Facebook last year asking me why things happened the way it did, I assumed that she was interested in trying to be friends with me again, because she asked me if I wanted to go for coffee. "Let bygones be bygones, you know?" She said. I sent her a message with my phone number for her to text me to set a date up, and didn't get a response for like two months. The next time she wrote me, she wanted to know if I had a old msn conversation that I had with her ex (which is weird because I never used msn so I have no idea why she would ask, and I wasn't particularly friends with her ex when they were dating). It struck me that she just wanted something from me, and I suspected that she never really intended to be friends. I responded that I didn't, and gave her my phone number again. No response for several months, so yesterday I decided to just cut her off and blocked her from my facebook- I don't intend on talking to her again. People who want to be friends with you will put that effort in, and like your friend, it was very obvious to me my (ex) friend had no interest at all even though it was HER who asked me to go for coffee. You should forget your "friend", she's just throwing you crumbs every time she contacts you, and then doesn't make the effort in responding. She also ignores you, and you should be upset with that! Let her go. You can write a civil message, "Hey, nothing personal but it's obvious you have no interest in being friends with me. Take care," and move on. That's what I did, and now I can concentrate on friends who actually care about me, who put effort in keeping in touch with me
turnera Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 I would change it to "Hey, it feels like when I try to hook up, you don't want to be friends, as we never manage to meet up. Is it something I said? " Don't accuse, use humor, and a be a little humble. Find out what they're thinking instead of assuming.
KathyM Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 It's pretty obvious from what you've said that these people aren't interested in maintaining a relationship with you of any kind. Some people are too nice to admit it, though. Some people make false comments of interest because they don't know how to reject you in a nice way, without realizing that you are led on by that, or they just don't have the guts to come out and say "I'm not really interested in socializing with you." To a lot of people, those words are hard to say, and they realize they would be hard to hear, so they just ignore you in hopes that you will get the message and stop trying. You need to get the message and stop trying with these people who don't respond to your messages. If they don't respond, they are not interested. 1
turnera Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 IDK. I have toxic shame and it is VERY hard for me to contact anyone to ask to get together. I mean, I've done it maybe 5 times in 30 years, and I had to catch my breath to do it - I just KNEW they'd say no, or go talk about me and laugh at me for my audacity. I'm just saying that you never know what someone's thinking unless you just ask them. Something most people never do any more. 2
freestyle Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 I'd also like to add, Spiral Out--just because it seems like someone's rejecting you--it may not necessarily be about YOU---people can get preoccupied with their own stuff. So try not to internalize it. 1
Author SpiralOut Posted June 21, 2012 Author Posted June 21, 2012 (edited) You should forget your "friend", she's just throwing you crumbs every time she contacts you, and then doesn't make the effort in responding. She also ignores you, and you should be upset with that! Let her go. Thank you, I will let her go. I sent her a message last week offering to stop by and visit or pick her up to visit a mutual friend of ours. When she did not respond to that I pretty much figured she's a lost cause. I made the decision (before posting this thread) that I will no longer try and talk to her. It just bothers me not knowing what I may have done wrong to deserve the silent treatment when last time we spoke she said she wanted to come visit me. IDK. I have toxic shame and it is VERY hard for me to contact anyone to ask to get together. I mean, I've done it maybe 5 times in 30 years, and I had to catch my breath to do it - I just KNEW they'd say no, or go talk about me and laugh at me for my audacity. I'm just saying that you never know what someone's thinking unless you just ask them. Something most people never do any more. It is very hard for me to reach out to people also. I hardly ever initiate conversation or ask people to do things. And I'll usually wait weeks or even months before trying again. That's why I posted this thread, to vent some frustration and discouragement. Thank you for understanding. I'd also like to add, Spiral Out--just because it seems like someone's rejecting you--it may not necessarily be about YOU---people can get preoccupied with their own stuff. So try not to internalize it. Thanks I'll try not to. Edited June 21, 2012 by SpiralOut
burningashes Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 Every situation is different. I agree with other posters that you shouldn't assume either. I figured my friend out because of what transpired in our conversations on Facebook. I was actively trying, and my efforts were not being reciprocated, so that is why I made that decision to let her know I would no longer be making any effort and would be moving on as a result of her lack of effort on her end. I could sympathize with your situation because my friend also did the same things as your friend did (long periods of no communication, etc). My friend told me she was busy when I did inquire if everything was Ok, that I hadn't heard from her. I gave her my phone number twice, and she did not even text me once over the year since she contacted me again, nor did she offer her number. So I took that as my cue to move on after not hearing from her for five months. Maybe your friend is busy, maybe she's not- but one thing is very clear: she is not making time for you at all. She is not putting any effort in. A friend who geninuely cared would have let you know whether you could stop by to see her, or at least acknowledge that. I don't think it's you, because you obviously are trying. Have you asked her straightforwardly about why she gave you the silent treatment? Did you ever find out what you did wrong? I think it could be another issue at play- unresolved issues in the past. Like they say over in the infidelity forums, you have to talk about issues that caused problems if you hope to rebuild a new relationship with the other person. Note that I said new relationship. You both also need to forgive each other for whatever happened in the past, and forge a new relationship. It may not be like the old times, but that's OK- friendships come in all shapes and forms, but they come with effort and acknowledgement from both sides. I'm probably getting a bit ahead of myself, but I was also trying to do this with my friend. I asked her questions and offered information that I thought caused problems between us, I wanted to start fresh with her. I talked to her about starting fresh, and she said she wanted that too. But when I realized that she still didn't intend on being friends with me again a year later despite everything I tried to do, I just let her go. It could simply be just that for you, your friend just doesn't want to cross that bridge with you in rebuilding things. I personally feel better now having cut ties with my friend in a very civil message, I can now spend that energy on friends who matter- the ones who are always there for you. Just my 2 cents- I think you made the right decision in moving on. I hope you feel better soon, it's a sad situation to be in. Concentrate on people who care about you, and all will be well again 2
turnera Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 It is very hard for me to reach out to people also. I hardly ever initiate conversation or ask people to do things. And I'll usually wait weeks or even months before trying again. Just a friendly suggestion that the way you are will very often be misread as being snobby yourself. All my life people have been saying I was conceited or snobby or whatever, which couldn't be further from the truth, just because I don't reach out. Try to remember that each one of us is looking at everyone else and making our own judgments based on OUR personality and background. I also have been wanting to say that the way you write, the way you portray your feelings and such, struck a sort of chord with me, in that I can envision you in your environment and see how people might be getting a bad - or 'off' - vibe from you. Now that you say this last thing, it kind of falls into place. IIWY, I'd stop second-guessing what everyone else says or wants, and do some work on yourself. Once you become ok with THAT person, the rest will fall into place.
turnera Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 As for friends, my DD21 has picked a lot of friends who just aren't that into her, KWIM? She'd want to be best friends with someone who either already had someone else they wanted to be BFFs with, or else the person is just too into herself to care about DD21. This last girl, DD21 tried for a good 3 years to create the typical BFF relationship with the girl, and kept getting ditched, ignored, forgotten, insulted. For instance, when DD21 was home for the summer from college, the supposed best friend couldn't find time one single time to come over and visit. Or, despite saying that DD21 was her best friend, she picked a new girl she recently met to be her Maid of Honor for her wedding! Last year, DD21's therapist gave her an assignment - to write a letter to said best friend explaining how hurt she feels about it all. DD21 couldn't do it. She was too scared of what the girl would think, I guess. But, a year and a half later, she is finally coming into her own, in that she finally sees that the girl is just...well, a scared but self-absorbed princess who will NEVER put herself out there for ANYone. That it's not DD21 who is the problem (although she is codependent), it's the friends she chooses. She has let this girl go now, and is much happier about it. 2
Author SpiralOut Posted June 25, 2012 Author Posted June 25, 2012 Maybe your friend is busy, maybe she's not- but one thing is very clear: she is not making time for you at all. She is not putting any effort in. A friend who geninuely cared would have let you know whether you could stop by to see her, or at least acknowledge that. I don't think it's you, because you obviously are trying. Have you asked her straightforwardly about why she gave you the silent treatment? Did you ever find out what you did wrong? I think it could be another issue at play- unresolved issues in the past. Like they say over in the infidelity forums, you have to talk about issues that caused problems if you hope to rebuild a new relationship with the other person. Note that I said new relationship. You both also need to forgive each other for whatever happened in the past, and forge a new relationship. It may not be like the old times, but that's OK- friendships come in all shapes and forms, but they come with effort and acknowledgement from both sides. I'm probably getting a bit ahead of myself, but I was also trying to do this with my friend. I asked her questions and offered information that I thought caused problems between us, I wanted to start fresh with her. I talked to her about starting fresh, and she said she wanted that too. But when I realized that she still didn't intend on being friends with me again a year later despite everything I tried to do, I just let her go. No I never found out the problem, but now that I think of it there are some things in the past about our friendship that bother me. And I think some of it bothers her too. I need some time to think about it. Not sure if it's something I wish to bring up or let go. Just a friendly suggestion that the way you are will very often be misread as being snobby yourself. All my life people have been saying I was conceited or snobby or whatever, which couldn't be further from the truth, just because I don't reach out. Try to remember that each one of us is looking at everyone else and making our own judgments based on OUR personality and background. I also have been wanting to say that the way you write, the way you portray your feelings and such, struck a sort of chord with me, in that I can envision you in your environment and see how people might be getting a bad - or 'off' - vibe from you. Now that you say this last thing, it kind of falls into place. IIWY, I'd stop second-guessing what everyone else says or wants, and do some work on yourself. Once you become ok with THAT person, the rest will fall into place. Thanks...yeah I know that I give off a snobby vibe. I've been accused before of being that way. What is it about the way I write? Just wondering. There are a few people in my life who sometimes appear to not like me, but other times it seems like they do. I don't know if they like me or not. Maybe they can't make up their minds about me. I agree I should work more on myself...I've been doing so for a long time now and it seems to be neverending...sometimes I feel like I need to just be alone until I've fixed certain parts of myself. but then I get harrassed by people who judge me and want to know why I'm not getting out more. Well is it really such a good idea for me to befriend people and try to get out more when I am still messed up? I can't explain that to people, it's none of their business really. Ugh this is so frustrating!
turnera Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 IMO, the best thing to do is just make a promise to yourself to get to the core of who you are...for a year or two. Do a soul search. Read tons of books. Visit churches and synagogues and retreats. Take courses in self awareness. Get down to the core. Once you know who that is, all that other stuff you've learned as self protection or what you perceive is a good image...it will all fall away and people will just start seeing the real you. Who I'm sure is a great person worth befriending.
turnera Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 What is it about the way you write? Mainly a subtle attitude thing. To me, an amateur psychology student (so don't take me for the truth, lol!), I see defensiveness, low self esteem, a need to be seen as someone as good as the rest, who 'tests' people to see if they're gonna 'let you in.' And if they don't, you obsess about it because, deep down, you agree with them. But you hurt inside cos all you want is to be love and wanted and appreciated, but feel lost as to how to go about being that person.
Author SpiralOut Posted June 26, 2012 Author Posted June 26, 2012 (edited) IMO, the best thing to do is just make a promise to yourself to get to the core of who you are...for a year or two. Do a soul search. Read tons of books. Visit churches and synagogues and retreats. Take courses in self awareness. Get down to the core. Once you know who that is, all that other stuff you've learned as self protection or what you perceive is a good image...it will all fall away and people will just start seeing the real you. Who I'm sure is a great person worth befriending. Thanks. I've been trying to get my head on straight for the past two years. I've got a ways to go apparently. The closer I get the more it hurts. My main problem is how to relate to other people while I'm doing this. Do I shut them out or do I let them in? I don't know what I'm supposed to do while I figure myself out. I know I'm pushing some people away by my refusal to let them in. And some people can be so pushy that this morning I just completely shut down. I got so fed up with the intrusive questions that I stopped responding altogether. What is it about the way you write? Mainly a subtle attitude thing. To me, an amateur psychology student (so don't take me for the truth, lol!), I see defensiveness, low self esteem, a need to be seen as someone as good as the rest, who 'tests' people to see if they're gonna 'let you in.' And if they don't, you obsess about it because, deep down, you agree with them. But you hurt inside cos all you want is to be love and wanted and appreciated, but feel lost as to how to go about being that person. I suppose. I just don't know how to not be defensive when I've had to deal with some people this past year who do things like throw things in my face to embarrass me in front of others, after I had opened up to them about those things. Or keep asking asking asking questions about me I don't feel comfortable answering. I feel that such people do not deserve to see the real me. They don't seem to respect me too much. And then how am I supposed to trust other people? Anyway whatever. I've been getting more into spiritual books and trying to be more involved in community stuff. I just feel so stressed out by people trying to get close to me when I'm not ready. I also hate how judgemental some people can be. Several people have tried to give me unsolicited advice even though I'm not very close to them. I feel like if I be myself that's just opening myself up to more bull**** from people. Edited June 26, 2012 by SpiralOut
without Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 IDK. I have toxic shame and it is VERY hard for me to contact anyone to ask to get together. I mean, I've done it maybe 5 times in 30 years, and I had to catch my breath to do it - I just KNEW they'd say no, or go talk about me and laugh at me for my audacity. I'm just saying that you never know what someone's thinking unless you just ask them. Something most people never do any more. Nowadays when you even ask them directly, their response is more confusing.
turnera Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 It's not to get the truth from them; it's to help you with your own self-image, pride, etc.
Author SpiralOut Posted June 26, 2012 Author Posted June 26, 2012 I am not trying to get the truth from people I am asking how do I maintain my privacy without coming across as a cold and snobby b*tch. There is probably no real answer to that anyway. I am now focusing on the people who show a genuine interest in me, that I like back. And am just crossing my fingers they don't run away when they see I am messed up.
turnera Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 Here's what I try to do (work in progress): Determine what my core beliefs are, how I want to live my life...and DO it. if someone likes what they see and wants to befriend me, come along! If I see someone I think would make a good friend, I approach them and if they don't reciprocate, I store the data and move on. 2
writergal Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 I am not trying to get the truth from people I am asking how do I maintain my privacy without coming across as a cold and snobby b*tch. There is probably no real answer to that anyway. I am now focusing on the people who show a genuine interest in me, that I like back. And am just crossing my fingers they don't run away when they see I am messed up. You don't have to work as hard with true friends to get the truth or to follow up with you about plans or communication, because they genuinely like you. Whereas acquaintances tend to make you more of an option, rather than a priority. If someone makes you an option, downgrade them by lowering your expectations. That way you won't be disappointed when someone doesn't follow through with you on a promise to get together or contact you. Just focus on the people who reciprocate your friendship and don't worry about the others who aren't as invested.
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