NC: feel like can’t speak to him again unless I want to marry him. Issues w/ depressi

[olddirtyspatula]

I’m new to this forum and the whole NC / GIGS thing. I’d like some advice if anyone has a minute or two or like a hundred.

I teach English abroad for a living and love it, love teaching, love traveling, love learning new languages, love the English language, I love everything about it. I don’t even care that I live out of a backpack and only make the equivalent of $400USD a month because I love my life and I don’t need that much money here anyway. Prior to this I was in the social field (homeless shelter, mental institutions, elderly and disabled, etc) and the thought of going back to any of that just feels like death to me.

 

When I started doing this 2 years ago I was in a relationship with a man who I loved dearly but everything had just gone to ****. I hated my job, I felt like I had no options because I couldn’t afford to go back to school, I couldn’t afford to do anything, we always fought about money, and our relationship had some serious problems. I don’t want to give away too much information that doesn’t exclusively belong to me, but we met at the worst time to start a relationship. But you meet when you meet, yeah?

 

When I left I genuinely thought I’d be back in 4 months, I didn’t think we were going to break up, but we did. The reasons aren’t the main point of this post and I’m trying to be as brief as possible.

My ex has always had serious problems with depression, and one of the things I couldn’t handle any longer was feeling like I was responsible for his emotions, like he projected his bad feelings on me, subconsciously expecting me to fix them and blaming me when I couldn’t. I felt like he’d feel bad and think it was because of the superficial reason I had failed him but I felt like most of the time (by the end, not in our entire relationship) I felt like there was no way I could have been right, he was chemically disposed to feeling that way and misattributing it to me. Or maybe I’m an *******. At the same time I know we got into this dynamic where I didn’t appreciate the fantastic things about him because his illness got into this thing we—what’s the opposite of an elephant in the room? He would always tell me how fantastic I was for putting up with him and I’d disagree and tell him how lovely he was—because he was—but then at the difficult times I know I’d subconsciously fill the role of “the one that puts up with too much” and start thinking of myself as the stressed out Super Girlfriend and then focus too much on the difficult parts of being in a relationship with him and not enough on the ways that he was head and shoulders above everyone else in the world.

 

I didn’t know about this site or the whole NC thing so I emailed him too many times and pursued him too selfishly but in the end succeeded in making contact in the form of a few emails and 2 long skype calls. He hates me. I don’t blame him. The 2 skype calls were mostly horrible because it was about an hour of him berating me, berating my family, getting every awful thing he’s stewed in all year off his chest, but somewhere it still felt more real than not being in communication, and each call had about 5 seconds of the Him that I remember showing through, right before he hung up. That made it worth it, the 5 seconds where we almost connected like we used to.

 

He doesn’t open up to people well, and I know he’s had a really rough time this past year. One of the things he faulted me for in the conversation was abandoning him when he needed me most, which is true. I thought he had given up on himself, but I should have stayed longer. I gave up too early. I just felt like he had resigned himself, would never get better, and I didn’t want to live like a depressed person any more. Is that a ****ed up selfish thing to say? I felt like I wasn’t allowed to talk about how his illness affected me because my feelings paled in comparison to his, but when you love someone it affects you when they’re sad all of the time. You empathize with the people you love. So… I thought he had given up, and I didn’t want to be depressed anymore if I didn’t have to be. I thought I had a choice, but the truth is I can leave him physically but I’ve never gone too long without thinking about him. I don’t know. I’ve gone a lot of places, I’ve made a lot of friends. I don’t really have a problem making friends and entertaining myself. I’m not lonely, but I still wish he were here with me. He’s such a unique and interesting and fun and sweet person, completely unlike anyone I’ve ever met. Or maybe the idealized him I have in my head is. That was one of the problems in the end. I couldn’t tell if his illness was really causing a problem—what I perceived as his giving in to it—or if I just separated everything I liked in the “personality” category and lumped everything I found difficult about him in the “illness category” and blamed him for it. Maybe both? Maybe one fed into the other?

 

I don’t know anything anymore. The bottom line question is: I know he is having a rough time. I know he doesn’t make friends and reach out easily. I know his feelings for me are pretty smoldering with hatred right now, but in the cumulative 10 seconds where he didn’t hate me he said of course he misses me and I’m his best friend. I will be in the country in a few months and if he contacts me, I’d like to let him know that I’ll be there and I’m available if he wants to see me, and could maybe stay longer if he wants me to. I feel like I can go to an infinite number of places and meet an infinite number of people, but I’d rather have something permanent with him, if he’ll let me, if I haven’t destroyed everything between us, if we can each get over the obstacles that brought us away from each other in the first place. So many Ifs. But after reading all of this NC/ Second Chance mentality stuff trying to understand what might be going on on the other side, I feel like I can’t even contact him, I can’t offer to stick around longer and be there for him, unless I’m ready to completely commit myself to him 100%, which I’m not. I mean, I just have no idea what would happen if we were to try to be in regular communication. Would we find we don’t have the same dreams anymore? Would we no longer like each other? Would I have to go back to hating my **** job just to be near him, and does not wanting to do that make me an awful selfish person? Would we fight about the same things and have an even more miserable breakup than the first time?

 

Maybe someone who has struggled with depression can help me with this. Or maybe I think it’s about depression but it’s not, and I’m still scapegoating. The things I want with him are the things he said he wanted too. But it seems like over the past few years he’s been losing the battle. I want to be with the person I know he wants to be, the person I thought he was but lost confidence in. I guess that’s a ****ed up conditional situation and I need to stay the **** away and move on and stop torturing him, right? Or is that having healthy expectations for someone and not wanting them to give up on themselves? I really don’t know. I mean, the things that I don’t want for him are the things he doesn’t want for himself either. Or maybe it was always a fantasy. No. It wasn’t. It was real. We were real. Should I live the way I want to live (the way we wanted to live) by myself, or risk living the way neither of us wants to live to be together? Isn’t it always worth the risk, or am I being cavalier because I’m not as sensitive as he is and thereby have less to lose?

 

Little help?

[wilsonx]

This is an interesting thread that very few people will understand on this forum.

 

You said it yourself, when you talked to him, you were talking to a shadow of his former self. For those last 5 seconds, you saw the real him.

 

People like us have a shadow. You have one, you are living in it right now. You aren't you yet.

 

As for his depression, you see it because you see it within yourself. You have just as much anger, regret, uncertainty as him. You painted him black in the breakup and just walked away. I think you are starting to see you did this as well. You did abandon him, it happens. We all get lost and do it at some point.

 

The second chance NC stuff doesnt apply to you because you see the wonderful world of grey/colors now. There is no black and white anymore for you, its all mixed together. I can't even dance with you in your emotions because you are so deep.

 

I will assure you that in time all your questions will have answers. You will figure it all out. It just takes you becoming aware of yourself to figure it all out.

[olddirtyspatula]

Thx for response.

 

I feel like I’m answering my own question anyway. I honestly don’t know if these problems were because he was depressed and sad anyway, if I was doing the wrong thing because his emotions were more complex than mine so it was possible to make him happy but not for me because I didn’t understand him (but someone else potentially could), or if I was unable to because I’m too selfish so the motions were hollow. But whatever the reason, even when I reminisce about the wonderful things about him and feel like reaching out to him is definitely the right thing to do, when I think about going back to feeling like everything I do is wrong, I get this tightness in my chest and it’s the last thing I want.

 

So… I dunno. I miss him, I miss the things we would talk about, I miss the things we would do together, of course I miss the intimacy but even if we could never have that again I miss his perspective on life. But if the conditions of having anything to do with him are going into the exact same dynamic we had, then the people who tell me my problem is that I don’t really want him back are right. Our dynamic was horrible and no part of me wants that again. I’d rather keep going with the him-shaped hole inside of me, wishing that our fantasy together had come true, than have that again.

 

Bleh.

 

I don’t know who he was. I don’t know who he is. I feel like I have an idea but maybe I’m just believing what I want and pathologizing the rest. Bottom line is I’m going to try to stop feeling responsible, and let him contact me or not, whatever he wants. And I’ll probably stop apologizing when he drunk texts me because I’ve said I’m sorry about a million times and it seems like it just adds fuel, at this point. But if he ever stops hating me and wants to reconnect I’m up for it. The him that I think he is is pretty awesome. I hope he gets what he wants.

[rAFC]

First of all, I really like your post. You seem to be more self-aware than most people.

 

As you have learned, dealing with someone else's mental health issues can be exhausting. It is difficult to figure out what someone else wants or feels if they keep those things hidden inside of themselves. Has your ex ever sought professional help for his problems? There really isn't a "cure" for depression, but with the right treatment it can be effectively managed.

 

Conversely, relationships are a two-way street and you can't expect to just enjoy the good times with someone and ignore or even resent your partner during the bad times. If you can't accept the total package that is your ex then you are both better off going your separate ways. Obviously I do not know you so I speak more of human nature in general and not you specifically, but none of us are perfect and I'm sure you have your own flaws which he had to deal with as well. In fact, I believe that we tend to be drawn to people with issues similar to our own.

 

In the end, only you can decide what is best for you and your life. You should not have to be miserable in your career and your life in order to be with the people you care about. You might need to make some sacrifices though, life isn't perfect and we all need to take the good with the bad. Ideally, with a healthy level of communication, a compromise can be found where perhaps neither side gets exactly what they were looking for but both sides can be satisfied with and feel that their needs are being met.