Not anxious/sick over him anymore, but can't stop missing him

June 21, 2012

The anxiety and sickness passed after 3-4 weeks. Now it's been 2.5 months since the breakup of our 9 month relationship, and I just miss him terribly. He broke up with me in an email (coward) and went NC on me immediately (feels more like the silent treatment in this case...) and after many failed attempts to have a 2-way conversation with him so I could move on myself, I went NC 11 days ago for sanity's sake. So I'm living a fabulous life, taking better care of myself than ever, but I can't stop missing him!! Or thinking he'll grow a pair and contact me any day now!!

How long is this going to last? I seriously am living the best life I've ever lived, but sadly stuck on this idea that "the one" has gotten away from me. We had very strong feelings for each other, so the contrast now feels almost bewildering, which could explain why I feel so stuck.

For the record, I have been nothing but kind and respectful in my attempts to contact him, and there was no begging or pleading.

Halp plz? Or do I just give it time?

June 21, 2012

Hey Starla,

You've come such a long way. 11 days NC PLUS you've taken the necessary steps to improve yourself and feel better. I think its natural that after a 9 month relationship, you're going to miss him and think of him. I know we both know that he isn't right for you and perhaps you just miss what he represented in your life. Why would you pine for a guy who could just leave you, and not give a f*** about how you feel. He doesn't care enough to see how you're doing or is even wondering how you would be, because if he was, you'd hear from him. I know it sounds harsh, but I think its reality.. something I've come in terms with also. You're making great progress so far, and keep trekking, FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT.

You'll be great, just give yourself some time to mourn and some more time to heal and eventually these thoughts of loneliness will pass. You're going to find someone who thinks the world of your sexy body and your personality Hang in there, i got yo back girl. Our exes are douchebags and they dont deserve us crying or hurting for them..

The ones who are worth our tears, wont make us cry.

June 21, 2012

He doesn't care enough to see how you're doing or is even wondering how you would be, because if he was, you'd hear from him.

Ah yes, great reminder. Thank you lovely Miss skyisfalling.

June 21, 2012

*hugs* hang in there sweetie.. I'm rooting for you. Let's give ourselves some time and one day we'll look back and think, F**K THESE SONS OF BIT**ES, GOOD FUC*ing RIDDANCE! Until that day comes, lets be strong and hope for a brighter day..

June 21, 2012

It seems like you are doing all the right things so just keep strong and keep going.

Don't contact him, if you've already tried with good intentions and he hasn't responded, he isn't worth your effort.

June 21, 2012

BB7, thank you for another good reminder. He isn't worth the effort then.

June 21, 2012

Sounds to me like you arent missing him any more. You're missing companionship.

You've done well to get so far, so be proud of yourself

I said the same thing to Skyisfalling, sometimes we feel like we miss someone when actually we dont, we miss feeling needed and feeling important. I think if you spend lots of time with people who make you feel good about yourself doing things you enjoy that you will feel much better

Good luck!

June 21, 2012

Actually, this is going to sound crazy, but I am not missing companionship. Just him. One of the things that stops me from chasing him down now is that I value my alone time and self-improvement so much that I do not want him to distract me from it. Weird, no?

I really appreciate having this forum for support. You all are the sweetest <3

June 21, 2012

I understand the sentiment completely. It is kind of where I am at now. I have lost about 40 lbs since the break up and am working on getting back into my old line of work. I have even rekindled a few old hobbies but in the quiet times it is the little things I miss that I realize now that I took for granted. The sound of her laugh or the hugs as she walked by my desk in the apartment. Or the times we would make funny faces at each other while sitting at our computers which we had set up across from each other. Those are the kinds of things I miss most.

June 21, 2012

Actually, this is going to sound crazy, but I am not missing companionship. Just him. One of the things that stops me from chasing him down now is that I value my alone time and self-improvement so much that I do not want him to distract me from it. Weird, no?

I really appreciate having this forum for support. You all are the sweetest <3

Aw, I gave bad advice haha

It's not wierd, sounds like you've come to terms with being on your own which is excellent. You shared a lot of good experiences with him no doubt. Of course you will miss him.

Sometimes I miss my ex, plain and simple, but I shrug it off and remind myself that Im better off without them. But at the same time I'm proud of myself for being able to allow someone to get so close as to have such an impact in their absense. It shows you have a heart, and that you care.

June 21, 2012

Oh Alexander:) You did not give bad advice. I think you are right in a way. I spent some time pondering it this morning, and while I'm not exactly lonely, I do feel scared to get into a new relationship and go through the whole song and dance of getting to know each other and be vulnerable like that. It would feel easier to pick up with someone who already knows all about you, like an ex.

But yeah, while I've texted him/emailed him/called him, saying things like "I really hope you're doing okay," he's not once checked up on me. And I had been rejected from grad school 2 days before our break up (my DREAM that he helped me with every step of the way). It's hard to imagine he's just an uncaring, cold, immature person. But if he had a heart, he would check to see how I'm doing. Granted, he can check up on me by looking at my facebook posts, but I'm not the type to ever post anything negative. And if my approaching life as a positive, happy person pushes him away when he looks at my facebook page, he really should go find himself a miserable loser to be with.

It might be good for me to start telling myself he just sucks. But it feels really bad for me to do that. I can't keep up that 'hate him' attitude for more than a few minutes. I suppose I can take consolation in knowing I am a good hearted person.

June 21, 2012

Oh Alexander:) You did not give bad advice. I think you are right in a way. I spent some time pondering it this morning, and while I'm not exactly lonely, I do feel scared to get into a new relationship and go through the whole song and dance of getting to know each other and be vulnerable like that. It would feel easier to pick up with someone who already knows all about you, like an ex.

But yeah, while I've texted him/emailed him/called him, saying things like "I really hope you're doing okay," he's not once checked up on me. And I had been rejected from grad school 2 days before our break up (my DREAM that he helped me with every step of the way). It's hard to imagine he's just an uncaring, cold, immature person. But if he had a heart, he would check to see how I'm doing. Granted, he can check up on me by looking at my facebook posts, but I'm not the type to ever post anything negative. And if my approaching life as a positive, happy person pushes him away when he looks at my facebook page, he really should go find himself a miserable loser to be with.

It might be good for me to start telling myself he just sucks. But it feels really bad for me to do that. I can't keep up that 'hate him' attitude for more than a few minutes. I suppose I can take consolation in knowing I am a good hearted person.

I agree in that we shouldn't "hate" our exes, we should forgive them and let go. I think if we take a lot of time and energy hating our ex bf's then it only prevents us from moving on with our lives. I think its important to realize that your ex did love you, as he wouldn't have shared 9 months of wonderful memories with you. You were special, you were loved and you certainly did and feel the same for him. However, as wonderful and lovely the relationship was, there must've been something that was off. But just because the situation changed doesn't mean he rejected us, I think he just rejected the relationship. It's known to be very therapeutic for me to write down my feelings in a journal and list all the reasons why it would not work out, even if he were to call me, what I could've done better in the relationship and what i would like to do in the future with my life.

Do you think maybe you're holding onto him more because of your recent grad rejections? I know you've mentioned them in the past, but right now, your life is in a period of transition and maybe because of this uncertainty in your life you're trying to hold onto the very thing that you cared for the most- even as you realize he wasn't a good person to leave you hanging. I think its healthy to realize that yes he was a great person, im lucky to have dated him, but the way he handled himself the very last minute by pulling the disappearing act should make you think twice what kind of person he really was. I think one's true character is determined by what we do in a crises and how we handle it rather than what we do in comfort.

We're all here for you Starla. Hang in there, i know everyone tells me NC and it will get better and I hope to God that it gets better because we're all in such a miserable point in our lives. Lets fight through this because in the end, the only person we end up hurting is ourselves.

June 21, 2012

I am a few impulses away from texting him, "[Name], I don’t understand… I was 150% kind and respectful about your decision to break things off. Why didn’t I get the decency of a 2-way conversation? I am still left wondering and it drives me crazy to assume you’re just an a*shole like *that*”

Stop me?

June 21, 2012

... sadly stuck on this idea that "the one" has gotten away from me. We had very strong feelings for each other, so the contrast now feels almost bewildering, which could explain why I feel so stuck.

I felt the same way. I felt that we connected on all levels and that he was the one meant for me. He fit me on all levels.

I think its natural that after a 9 month relationship, you're going to miss him and think of him. I know we both know that he isn't right for you and perhaps you just miss what he represented in your life. Why would you pine for a guy who could just leave you, and not give a f*** about how you feel. He doesn't care enough to see how you're doing or is even wondering how you would be, because if he was, you'd hear from him. I know it sounds harsh, but I think its reality.. something I've come in terms with also. You're making great progress so far, and keep trekking, FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT.

You'll be great, just give yourself some time to mourn and some more time to heal and eventually these thoughts of loneliness will pass. You're going to find someone who thinks the world of your sexy body and your personality Hang in there, i got yo back girl. Our exes are douchebags and they dont deserve us crying or hurting for them..

The ones who are worth our tears, wont make us cry.

I am also going to take this advice. Applicable to me as well. Sigh.

*hugs* hang in there sweetie.. I'm rooting for you. Let's give ourselves some time and one day we'll look back and think, F**K THESE SONS OF BIT**ES, GOOD FUC*ing RIDDANCE! Until that day comes, lets be strong and hope for a brighter day..

Yes!

Actually, this is going to sound crazy, but I am not missing companionship. Just him. One of the things that stops me from chasing him down now is that I value my alone time and self-improvement so much that I do not want him to distract me from it. Weird, no?

I don't know if its companionship but he became the person I communicated with the most. The person who knew most of my thoughts. My activities excluded him though because we only saw each other once a month. So I always had my alone time.

I agree in that we shouldn't "hate" our exes, we should forgive them and let go. I think if we take a lot of time and energy hating our ex bf's then it only prevents us from moving on with our lives. I think its important to realize that your ex did love you, as he wouldn't have shared 9 months of wonderful memories with you. You were special, you were loved and you certainly did and feel the same for him. However, as wonderful and lovely the relationship was, there must've been something that was off. But just because the situation changed doesn't mean he rejected us, I think he just rejected the relationship. It's known to be very therapeutic for me to write down my feelings in a journal and list all the reasons why it would not work out, even if he were to call me, what I could've done better in the relationship and what i would like to do in the future with my life.

Hang in there, i know everyone tells me NC and it will get better and I hope to God that it gets better because we're all in such a miserable point in our lives. Lets fight through this because in the end, the only person we end up hurting is ourselves.

I don't exactly hate him, I hate that he lied and that I fell for him. I do believe that he loved me, at first.

June 21, 2012

I can relate... I'm 3 weeks nc, haven't had any real sick or anxious feelings for the last two or longer, and am also doing as well as ever in most aspects of life - finally accumulating the perfect equipment for my music, well on my way to being the fittest i've been, have an awesome job & expecting a raise, good relationships w/ friends & family... And as much as that all makes me VERY happy, there are times when I miss her in a deeply painful way that makes everything else seem worthless as I don't have her to share it with. She was one of my closest friends with whom i shared a type of connection I'd never experienced before.

The difference in my case is that she wanted to stay friends and I had to cut her off after a week as her calling me everynight but sticking to her decision was torture. Couldn't handle it, and know I am going to stick to nc...

It strikes me at times that the only way I will stop pining over her completely (cause at this point the pain's relatively tolerable and infrequent) is to meet someone new. And that's definitely the only way I'll be able to give her the friendship she wants. I think even if a year went by, I would still, every so often, find myself sad and missing her, and still not wanting to be friends. That's not to say I couldn't deal with being alone for a long spell. Just that I would carry that emptiness with me, as one of the nicest things I've ever known is now gone. I feel great most of the time so attracting new ladies shouldn't be a problem. As much as I've looked a little down on the serial monogamist, one-person-to-the-next types I know, and seen them as weak, I can relate to their motivation. Think of how many songs about lost-love include a bit about going out to find somebody new. There's a reason. I'm not feeling desperate but I am gonna put myself out there.

June 21, 2012

I stopped myself. Brava to me, lol.

June 21, 2012

I stopped myself. Brava to me, lol.

Good work! I bet you feel stronger. Even if it doesnt seem it I can gaurantee you feel better than you would if you sent it.

If I wasnt fast asleep (dreaming about my ex for the first time in a long time which is worrying) I would have helped make sure you didnt send it, but pat yourself on the back for staying strong.

That message would have just shown him that you're struggling and boosted his ego.

June 21, 2012

Also you raised a good point about getting to know someone new and all that stuff.

They say ex's most commonly come back between 6 - 12 months, which has seemed true to me through past experience. I think the reasoning behind this is that once the novalty of being single and partying up wears off, and we start feeling lonely once again, we think its much easier to go back to someone that we have already been comfortable with and taken to time to get to know and get close to. It seems much easier and much less frightning than going out and meeting someone new and risking humiliation , rejection and being vulnerable. But really its more humilating, theres far more chance of rejection and your increasingly vulnerable in doing so.

I would have much rather given it a shot with someone new at 6 months and been laughed at and rejected than going back to my ex like I did, letting those feelings come rushing back so quickly and easily and being hurt all over again.

June 22, 2012

Alexander, you really are ridiculously wise beyond your years.

I am glad I didn't contact him, too. It was a VERY close one, though. I had even imagined the thread I would start here with the subject "Just broke NC on day 12." I feel super proud of myself for resisting. Now I'm at home, enjoying my beautiful apartment and relaxing and reading and feeling quite lovely:)

June 22, 2012

Thank you Starla

Im glad you didnt too! I'm proud of you for staying strong, lots of LS users will be.

Sounds like a wonderful day. Im at work, its rainy, I dont have a heater and I cant feel my hands. Want to trade?

June 22, 2012

Going through NC can be devastating. I went through it for a year with the girl I love and back together with. But anyway, I say you try to contact him and let him know how you feel, express your emotions and let him know you miss him dearly and want to make things right again. Experiences with dating can be so challenging for everyone to the point where you think that there is no help out there. But there is, and I'm going to refer you to a source that I think can help you out tremendously. I hope you feel better in time and are able to work things out with this guy. Keep your head up

Relationships Forum |

June 22, 2012

Way to go Starla, each small victory is a step closer to your goal. Keep hanging in there.

June 22, 2012

Stevennnn, you're spamming my thread so I fully expect 10% of profits made from clicks traced back to here;)

June 22, 2012

Stevennnn, you're spamming my thread so I fully expect 10% of profits made from clicks traced back to here;)

haha starla, im so glad you were able to be strong. How u holding up girl?

June 22, 2012

I'm fiiiiine, lady. I think for now I just have to exist with the nagging hope he will actually come back to me (but living my life as though I'm moving on, of course). I have to accept that I hope for this instead of fighting it, or else I go looking for closure!! I'm not a total nutter, so with time, this hope will fade, I'm sure. I could stand to be a bit gentler with myself in this arena.

How are you doing tonight (assuming you're in the Western Hemisphere)?

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Not anxious/sick over him anymore, but can't stop missing him

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