BB7 Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 (edited) Hi guys, well I've been reading this forum a fair bit and there seems to be some really good advice being handed around and I thought I'd share my story. I guess I just need to vent and it really helps to talk about the things that I'm feeling. I'll try to keep a long story short but you know how these things go! BACKGROUND: My ex and I are both nearly 23 and have been together since we were 15. We were not living together due to money constraints but were saving for a house together. We had a good relationship, not many fights or arguments and everyone assumed we would just get married eventually, myself included - yeah that old chest nut. She had always been totally smitten over me and would do anything for me. I broke up with her for about 2 months when I was 18, but I realized what an idiot I was and we got back together. She 'waited' for me the whole time. THE BREAK UP: Well it seems to be a common theme amoungst relationships that the guy is travelling along fine in the relationship and becomes too comfortable whilst the girl is starting to become 'bored' with the same old and that's pretty much what happened here. She came to me 'out of the blue' 2 months ago saying that she had felt that we things had been strange between us lately and she was hoping that I felt it too. I mean I had started to notice that over the past few weeks before this she wasn't calling me as much (she used to call me everyday without fail) and just didn't seem as connected with me (we were still having sex and seeing eachother like normal - in my eyes anyway). She had just started a new career which was pretty full on so I just put it down to her being stressed out and being focussed on work which I was totally fine with. So basically we talked and decided that the relationship had become a bit of a routine and that we would spend the coming weekend (long weekend) having fun and making more of an effort. So after that everything seemed fine but it wasn't so after a couple of days we decided to have a break and then proceeded to a break up the following week. At the time I didn't understand why and she said that she didn't either and that she was so frustrated that she had these feelings. She needed time to just be her (which I understand I guess) and look after herself for now and see where it leads. There were no other men in the picture and I believe that. She said she still loves me but she is not sure she is 'in love', the whole spark thing. THE AFTERMATH: Well I did what any normal guy does after a break up and I contacted her a few times in the first week (not excessively, literally 2-3 times) and she responded kindly. So I began reading all the crap about 'how to get your ex back' and started NC...funnily enough as soon as I decided to start it, 3 days later she was checking up on how a local footy function went the night before (lot's of girls there so she was obviously checking up on me). Anyway, I kept with it for a bit over 2 weeks and buckled and contacted her and organized to catch up. We had dinner and chatted as usual which lasted about 2 hrs...so anyway I quickly realized that it just makes you feel worse to see them, you try so hard not to and think it's going to be better to see and talk to them but at the end of the night you just feel worse but that didn't stop me! So we had a few msgs back and forth over the next few weeks or so and I actually felt that I was making head way in moving on funnily enough. I was going out clubbing most weekends which was really helping me regardless of the fact that I was still talking to her and trying to get her back. I was running and going to the gym everyday, doing all the things to make me a better person. But then I got injured during a football match (Australian Rules) and made a mess of my face (4 fractures - surgery required), which has put all my progress down the crapper and I feel as worse as I did when she first broke up with me. I've been sitting around doing nothing for the past 2 weeks which is obviously a huge part of my back tracking. I went to see her last Thursday before my surgery (she had just had her wisdoms out so I checked up on her...I know some of you are groaning at my actions lol) and just hung out with her for a few hrs. I had surgery on Friday last week and am well on the way to recovery and am still sending/receiving the odd msg. So here I am, feeling at rock bottom again, constantly thinking about her and boarderline obsessing about her. I feel myself constantly thinking of the good moments and I can link pretty much everything back to her whether it be a piece of clothing, food, shops, movies, music...you name it - a lot can happen in 8 years lol. I feel like I understand where I went wrong in the relationship and know the things that I can do to make it a better one if I ever got the chance again. I also know that she was at fault in part as well for letting it get to the point it did without her actually communicating it to me (she tends to ignore things to avoid confrontation and then acts on it, so it's hard to know what she's thinking sometimes). Anyway, I know that I should just be moving on and getting into NC again asap but it's just so hard to let go of the possibility of getting back together, no matter how far fetched it sounds. I honestly feel lost without her and the worst part about a break up is, you don't just lose your partner and your lover, you lose your best friend too. Thanks for reading and I'd appreciate any replies even if it is just to chat...damn I didn't keep it short. Edited June 21, 2012 by BB7
AlexanderJames Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 Its okay its shorter than my first one I posted. Its hard to vetn and keep it short Firstly I want to say that from reading this, I cant see that you did anything wrong at all. It seems to me like a case of two people, not destined to be together, enjoying experiences together and growing apart. Nothing drove a wedge between you, no one did anything wrong to hurt the other party. You just grew and changed. Dont look at it like youre losing your partner, lover and best friend. Look at it as being one step closer to finding your true love. Everything youre feeling is normal, obsessive thought, feeling alone, rock bottom. Its all part of the impact. Whats important is that you want to move on, and that you are making an effort. Just coming on here and sharing your story shows that you want to move on. Even though the thought of reconciliation is hanging around. I noticed that you went and comforted her when she had her wisdom teeth out, yet you recieved no company or anything in return during your surgical operation. Seems like your efforts are not appreciated to me. Being stuck at home would be difficult, and being able to link everything back to her is normal too, I was much the same. But in time you start to link them back in a good way. These painful memories become fond ones as the wound heals over and you move on. Be strong an keep doing what you're doing. Dedicate yourself to NC and start looking after yourself
Author BB7 Posted June 21, 2012 Author Posted June 21, 2012 Its okay its shorter than my first one I posted. Its hard to vetn and keep it short Firstly I want to say that from reading this, I cant see that you did anything wrong at all. It seems to me like a case of two people, not destined to be together, enjoying experiences together and growing apart. Nothing drove a wedge between you, no one did anything wrong to hurt the other party. You just grew and changed. Dont look at it like youre losing your partner, lover and best friend. Look at it as being one step closer to finding your true love. Everything youre feeling is normal, obsessive thought, feeling alone, rock bottom. Its all part of the impact. Whats important is that you want to move on, and that you are making an effort. Just coming on here and sharing your story shows that you want to move on. Even though the thought of reconciliation is hanging around. I noticed that you went and comforted her when she had her wisdom teeth out, yet you recieved no company or anything in return during your surgical operation. Seems like your efforts are not appreciated to me. Being stuck at home would be difficult, and being able to link everything back to her is normal too, I was much the same. But in time you start to link them back in a good way. These painful memories become fond ones as the wound heals over and you move on. Be strong an keep doing what you're doing. Dedicate yourself to NC and start looking after yourself Thanks for the response mate. Yes, it did hurt a little that I didn't really get any comfort in return from her after my op even after speaking to her on the phone the night I got home. That's sort of why I'm at the point of starting NC again and trying to get closure, in a way that you did in sending your ex that msg. Is seeking closure a good idea though? I have to go and get something that I dropped off at her house when she was sick, so I thought I could either just give her a letter and say that I need to move on and that she will always hold a place in my heart and all that other stuff and that I won't be contacting her - or just talk to her? Or do I just leave it and go NC? When we broke up I made the mistake of saying that I will wait for her. Staying at home has just been the worst, it's made everything harder.
AlexanderJames Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 Closure certainly isnt a bad thing. It hurts though. For me closure was being told face to face that she had no feelings for me any more (even though im starting ot think she lied) Its a way of settling your mind, making sure theres no questions un answered, so you can close the book for good and not keep wondering. In a way my txt kind of stated I would wait, I had no intentions of waiting, I wanted to make a powerful exit, but it definately would have put the thought in the back of her mind that its not too late (even though it is). If you have questions you want answered, I would seek answers before NC that way you can be sure in your head whats happening and where you want to go. But be prepared to hear things you dont necessarily want to hear. Also I want to add you mentioned something about always thinking of the good times. This is a psych thing, our minds do it when we experience this kind of trauma (wow I sound like a psychiatrist now). We cant help it but we tend to only remember and think about what we have lost as being picture perfect even though it wasnt. The way I dealt with this was to write down things I did not like about my ex. Things that she did to hurt me and things that she did that annoyed the hell out of me. I also wrote down a few specific instances that she hurt me and screwed me round. Every time I started thinking of how good we were, I read it and remembered we werent. Its a neat little tip that really works
EDR88 Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 Hi, sorry to hear what your going through now. It seems pretty similar to what I'm going through too. (long story short: shes 23, im 24, been together nearly 5 years, seems she just isn't sure if she feels the same way about me any more) I cant really give you any advice as i'm not even sure what I should be doing right now. I'm constantly changing my mind about how I feel about it and what the best course of action is. Although, she broke up with me only three days ago so its all still pretty fresh...perhaps things will become clearer in time. Reading these forums has been a great help. Reading other peoples stories with an outsiders view really helps to put a bit of perspective on my own situation, something that's really hard with all these emotions f_cking with me! Other than that, all I can say is I feel your pain and wish you good luck. I hope things work out for the best.
Ruby65 Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 Hi guys! I just wanted to jump in and say how sorry I am to hear what you're going through. Also to say that in my experience, contact with the ex though is never a good thing as long as you're still harboring hopes of a reconciliation. There's no closure to be had from seeing her or talking to her at this point. Closure is going to come eventually from within yourself, not from her. Right now, there's only you, your pain and the need to protect yourself from further pain. Contact with your ex is like sticking your hand in a blender. There's never going to be a happy ending to that scenario! However I know people (including me) often feel compelled to keep sticking their hand in.... especially at first..... I'm the worst offender! I would recommend contacting your ex with a brief friendly email saying you wish her the best but that you're not going to be in contact with her for the time being, and that you'll let her know if and when that changes. Thank her in advance for understanding.... and send it off! If there's stuff to be exchanged, either mail it or arrange for a mutual friend to pick up and deliver any items. Trust me, you don't want to play out that scene of exchanging stuff and final good-byes! Anyhow, just my opinion.
betterdeal Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 I honestly feel lost without her and the worst part about a break up is, you don't just lose your partner and your lover, you lose your best friend too. That's very perceptive of you. I'm sorry to hear your story, and I know that being house bound due to injury can be a right devil to deal with at a time like this - the devil makes work for idle hands so they say - and all I can suggest is that life will get better, so keep your chin up and thank your luck stars for all the good times, learn from the not so good times, and don't be too hard on yourself for texting - it's all too easy to do. You'll find your peace in time. Take care.
Author BB7 Posted June 21, 2012 Author Posted June 21, 2012 Hi, sorry to hear what your going through now. It seems pretty similar to what I'm going through too. (long story short: shes 23, im 24, been together nearly 5 years, seems she just isn't sure if she feels the same way about me any more) I cant really give you any advice as i'm not even sure what I should be doing right now. I'm constantly changing my mind about how I feel about it and what the best course of action is. Although, she broke up with me only three days ago so its all still pretty fresh...perhaps things will become clearer in time. Reading these forums has been a great help. Reading other peoples stories with an outsiders view really helps to put a bit of perspective on my own situation, something that's really hard with all these emotions f_cking with me! Other than that, all I can say is I feel your pain and wish you good luck. I hope things work out for the best. Thanks mate, sorry to hear about you as well. Alright, well since yours is fresh I am going to give you the advice that I wish I had been given right at the beggining of my break up. STOP ALL CONTACT Believe me, I know how hard that is and if I had my time again that is what I would be doing. Give her space and work on yourself, it's the only way for now.
Author BB7 Posted June 21, 2012 Author Posted June 21, 2012 Hi guys! I just wanted to jump in and say how sorry I am to hear what you're going through. Also to say that in my experience, contact with the ex though is never a good thing as long as you're still harboring hopes of a reconciliation. There's no closure to be had from seeing her or talking to her at this point. Closure is going to come eventually from within yourself, not from her. Right now, there's only you, your pain and the need to protect yourself from further pain. Contact with your ex is like sticking your hand in a blender. There's never going to be a happy ending to that scenario! However I know people (including me) often feel compelled to keep sticking their hand in.... especially at first..... I'm the worst offender! I would recommend contacting your ex with a brief friendly email saying you wish her the best but that you're not going to be in contact with her for the time being, and that you'll let her know if and when that changes. Thank her in advance for understanding.... and send it off! If there's stuff to be exchanged, either mail it or arrange for a mutual friend to pick up and deliver any items. Trust me, you don't want to play out that scene of exchanging stuff and final good-byes! Anyhow, just my opinion. Thanks for the kind words. I wish I had just sent a letter or email because what I said just wasn't how I wanted to come across. I went to see her because I felt that I needed to finish with the relationship now and stop living with false hope of reconciliation right now. I got sucked into the 'how to get your ex back' BS on the internet and tried to make inroads which was a bad idea. My ex has been nothing but friendly to me but that is the problem...So I got to her house with a real idea of what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it. Pretty much said that I wanted her to be happy, that I loved her, that I can't be friends with her and continue on with this back and fourth friendship type crap (didn't say it like that mind you!). Well her indifference caught me completely off guard, she didn't even really seem to fussed about what I was saying and was fairly non responsive which then led to me blabbering on and saying things I shouldn't have. She clearly wants me in her life as a friend which is just utter crap, I don't know how she can suggest being friends still after I've told her I'm still in love with her. So anyway I guess the whole point of me going was to tell her that I can't be in contact with her anymore and I got that point across, so in a way it was a success. She said a few times that she thinks we could be really good friends which is the last thing that I needed to hear and I told her that I just can't be that for her. When I was leaving I ended up saying 'well I guess this is goodbye'...she was like well don't say it like that, you can call me anytime you want...lol was she not listening to me? The problem is that I think I came off a little needy and desperate which was the last thing I wanted to do...but **** it hey, it's done now and TBH it's not really going to change anything. I have to move on now and that's that. Deleted her on FB, deleted her msgs/calls and number out of my phone and got my mum to take all of my momento type things/love letters and such and hide them. At least now I know that she is just 100% not into me anymore which makes it a little easier to move on but it still sure as hell hurts a lot more. It's so hard to hear that sort of thing come from someone you care so much about and invested so much time in.
Author BB7 Posted June 21, 2012 Author Posted June 21, 2012 That's very perceptive of you. I'm sorry to hear your story, and I know that being house bound due to injury can be a right devil to deal with at a time like this - the devil makes work for idle hands so they say - and all I can suggest is that life will get better, so keep your chin up and thank your luck stars for all the good times, learn from the not so good times, and don't be too hard on yourself for texting - it's all too easy to do. You'll find your peace in time. Take care. Thanks mate, yeah being housebound has been hard and I've let it get the better of me as I've been super emotional and let those emotions control some of my actions. Anyway...it's moving on time for me and it starts right now. I'll be checking in regularly to keep my sanity, thanks for all the support.
Stanza Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 Hi, your story is heart-breaking. I think you should go NC if you want to get over her and move on. If you are still thinking in terms of hope that this will turn around, then you should go LC or keep in touch and bear the pain of it. I think if you cut her off she'll move on faster, I don't know why, but it just looks like that to me. She's got the new career etc, made the decision, if you do the same she may think she got it right. I don't know but I didn't feel you'd given up yet. But it does sound like she needs more time though to figure out herself.
Author BB7 Posted June 21, 2012 Author Posted June 21, 2012 Hi, your story is heart-breaking. I think you should go NC if you want to get over her and move on. If you are still thinking in terms of hope that this will turn around, then you should go LC or keep in touch and bear the pain of it. I think if you cut her off she'll move on faster, I don't know why, but it just looks like that to me. She's got the new career etc, made the decision, if you do the same she may think she got it right. I don't know but I didn't feel you'd given up yet. But it does sound like she needs more time though to figure out herself. Thanks for your response. Well I've been hoping for reconciliation for a while now and as of tonight I think I've made the right choice considering her reaction to anything that I said to her. She basically said that she is fine where she is at the moment and doesn't really need anything right now. I feel like she needs the space anyway and any chance at a reconciliation isnt going to happen within the next couple of months especially with me being by her side as a friend. I need to step back and look after me and if she truly does want to come back then she will make the move because I have now done all I can.
Ruby65 Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 Well her indifference caught me completely off guard, she didn't even really seem to fussed about what I was saying and was fairly non responsive which then led to me blabbering on and saying things I shouldn't have. She clearly wants me in her life as a friend which is just utter crap, I don't know how she can suggest being friends still after I've told her I'm still in love with her. Yeah, it's the indifference that hurts the most. But it's good that you're protecting your boundaries NOW by going NC and not going along with being friends...... remember this when the breadcrumbs starts dropping, because they most likely will. NC is the hardest way to go initially, but over time it gets easier and in the long run saves you so much time and heartache! Feels awful now, but you really are doing GREAT. Keep posting! 1
Stanza Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 Agree with Ruby. I do think you're dealing very well with this and you'll come out better either way. 1
Author BB7 Posted June 21, 2012 Author Posted June 21, 2012 Yeah, it's the indifference that hurts the most. But it's good that you're protecting your boundaries NOW by going NC and not going along with being friends...... remember this when the breadcrumbs starts dropping, because they most likely will. NC is the hardest way to go initially, but over time it gets easier and in the long run saves you so much time and heartache! Feels awful now, but you really are doing GREAT. Keep posting! You just expect them to care don't you? I went there with a whole plan of how it was going to go down and how I was going to be strong and not tear up but it just didn't go to plan. I feel like I needed this though, even if it didn't go 100% the way I thought it would. I needed to tell her that I still loved her and that I couldn't keep going the way it was going. NC sucks... Like I said in my OP, the only time I've done any was at the start of the break up and I got through it with the notion of winning her back and knowing that I would probably message her within a couple of weeks. Now I'm looking at not contacting her every again, that's tough! Especially when she's saying 'call me whenever you want'... I can't tell you guys enough how much talking to you is helping right now, I'm so greatful.
Svet74 Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 Yeah you need to go NC in order to heal yourself. You did nothing wrong. And your ex is already Healed. It seems like she thought it through and stuck to her decision. There is a chance of you 2 being together but not anytime soon. I can see it happening in maybe 2 yrs or so or even later down the road. In the meantime Heal, then date, Do whatever you gotta do to move on. She will always be part of your life, in your mind. Youll think about her for a while. But eventually the pain will go away and you will learn to cope with it. I only dated my ex 4 months And a yr and a half later i still think of him everyday Its just part of life. Its not easy
betterdeal Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 Find other things to do. Things you meant to get around to and never did. 1
Charlie25 Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 I am in the same boat too Even though i haven't had any contact with her for 4 weeks now, the BU was basically. >Good relationship (or so i thought) >I got complacent, she got bored >My ex was also afraid of confrontation, so she never voiced her concern >Her dropping the bomb completely blindsided me, even though this was something she had thought about for 6(!) months >Some real mixed signals from her near the end. She always said she was uncertain if she made the right choice, and the last contact she had she said stuff like "i might have made a huge mistake" etc. Blech, i don't know what to think any longer. I really want to talk to her and find out with 100% ciertanty if there is any chance of us getting back together, but so far I've kept my distance. I guess if she wants to come back around, she has to take the first step
Stevenn Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 Wow, seems like you have been through so much that no one other than you two could ever imagine. I know how it feels to feel so obsessive and like junk after everything. What's funny is that I did the same thing to my ex girlfriend once; taking her for granted and felt "bored". It didn't take me long to start regretting breaking up with her and I tried everything in my power to get her back and lucky for me she was willing to try again, kind of how your girl responded after 2 months. I know it is very tough to be in the spot you are in, and I am here to refer you to a site that has helped me overcome the mental anguish that dwells inside your mind. It contains a vast amount of information that I feel can help you so if you want, check it out. I wish you best of luck in the future and for whatever comes your way! Relationships Forum |
betterdeal Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 Blech, i don't know what to think any longer. I really want to talk to her and find out with 100% ciertanty if there is any chance of us getting back together, but so far I've kept my distance. Think about how you got together in the first place. You probably didn't have serious conversation to start with. Get yourself back into that frame of mind where you were then and you'll be open to having a relationship, be it with her or someone else.
AlexanderJames Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 I feel your pain mate, after recieving txts every day from her being nice to me and even saying "I want to come see you" and "This sucks I wish I was there with you" I asked her to come and see me and she did. I did similar to you, I told her that I still loved her and that I wanted to be with her but she was cold and distant. Didnt give me much in return for response other than "I dont think about you" when I asked if she had put much thought into us. I got really emotional. I came across very needy and very weak, I didnt beg but I was close to it. I dont regret putting my heart on the line and trying to get her to take me back, because as much as I humiliated myself, I had removed any doubts that we were done for good. It opened my eyes to what I had to do, and here I am today
GLDheart Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 The way I dealt with this was to write down things I did not like about my ex. Things that she did to hurt me and things that she did that annoyed the hell out of me. I also wrote down a few specific instances that she hurt me and screwed me round. Every time I started thinking of how good we were, I read it and remembered we werent. Its a neat little tip that really works I did this too! No more wicked nasty clogged up drains, toothpaste tube squezed from the middle (seriously who does that), messy beer bottles all over the house from her excessive drinking, no more coming home to someone drunk and about to pass out, no more dirty laundry shoved off into a hidden pile somewhere with me never finding something I'm looking for because it's buried.... and so many more! It's almost 3 months here (no contact since day 1) and that excruciating pain just clicked off at day 80. It was really weird. All of a sudden I wasn't looking for her car everytime I pulled up to my house. Like a light switch turned off, I wasn't crazy turned on by the thought of being "with" her again. Everytime the phone rang, she suddenly wasn't the first thing jumping into my mind. What a relief! I seriously was losing my mind. It will click. I mean I still miss my friend... but whatever. This was her choice. She screwed up giving me so much time to heal.
Author BB7 Posted June 22, 2012 Author Posted June 22, 2012 I feel your pain mate, after recieving txts every day from her being nice to me and even saying "I want to come see you" and "This sucks I wish I was there with you" I asked her to come and see me and she did. I did similar to you, I told her that I still loved her and that I wanted to be with her but she was cold and distant. Didnt give me much in return for response other than "I dont think about you" when I asked if she had put much thought into us. I got really emotional. I came across very needy and very weak, I didnt beg but I was close to it. I dont regret putting my heart on the line and trying to get her to take me back, because as much as I humiliated myself, I had removed any doubts that we were done for good. It opened my eyes to what I had to do, and here I am today I guess I feel the same but I wish I had said it all better but I guess it doesn't matter. I was feeling strong today until I met up with one of my good mates who is with my ex's cousin and he told me that she had told them a month ago that she would have married me if I had asked her 3 months prior to the break up. Seriously WTF is that?
Author BB7 Posted June 22, 2012 Author Posted June 22, 2012 I am in the same boat too Even though i haven't had any contact with her for 4 weeks now, the BU was basically. >Good relationship (or so i thought) >I got complacent, she got bored >My ex was also afraid of confrontation, so she never voiced her concern >Her dropping the bomb completely blindsided me, even though this was something she had thought about for 6(!) months >Some real mixed signals from her near the end. She always said she was uncertain if she made the right choice, and the last contact she had she said stuff like "i might have made a huge mistake" etc. Blech, i don't know what to think any longer. I really want to talk to her and find out with 100% ciertanty if there is any chance of us getting back together, but so far I've kept my distance. I guess if she wants to come back around, she has to take the first step I feel for you mate, it's one of the hardest BU's to deal with because it completely catches you off guard.
Author BB7 Posted June 23, 2012 Author Posted June 23, 2012 Having a real tough time here... I'm currently writing a letter to her just to get out what I am feeling (no intention of actually giving it to her). It seems to be helping.
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