lemoon Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 Hi guys, Guess I just need to vent... My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years. I am 31, he is 35. From the start it was clear that he had serious commitment issues. He admitted that he was scared of women due to past failed relationships, and past girlfriends trying to force him into marriage, when he was not ready. I, on the other hand, was relatively inexperienced when I met him, as he was my second boyfriend - I only had one long term relationship before him. So basically, I naturally assumed, that he wants to be with me because he likes me, and there will be a progress in our relationship. The first year had passed in happiness, but I began to feel extremely insecure around our first anniversary. He was seeing other women as well, "as friends", and I guess because I come from a traditional family, I was really not comfortable with this, so I decided to break up with him. I went NC for 2 months, however, one day we accidentally bumped into each other due to common friends, and then it happened again, and again, and eventually got back together after beign apart for about 5 months. For some time he was wonderful, trying to make everything work.... So we were together again, when last year just before Christmas I found out that he was actively using dating sites. I was so upset and crying for days, I felt so betrayed mainly because I have invested so much into this relationship, I will not go into details, but I changed my job just to be near him and made serious plans related to finances for my future life... And no, he did not ask me to do this, it was my decision, but I thought that this was naturally the right thing to do. Anyway, after the discovery, I have spoken to a few good friends, both male and female, and thought about it for days, and finally made the decision that it was not such a big deal. My main idea was that if he wants to do it, he will keep doing it behind my back anyway, and I do not want to be that crazy controlling girlfriend. So I decided to let it go. I never knew how serious these attempts were, or how frequently did he use the sites, and basically I did not say a word. Then we were just getting ready for a Christmas dinner when on the 24th he calles me and says he has to cancell... Yeah, I know. Now things have not been very good since then. I mean he can be so sweet and caring sometimes, and he is a really a good listener and I do respect him and love him for so many things... But sometimes I feel like I do not know him at all. So basically, a few days ago we had another argument, this time it was about moving in together, because my contract is expiring soon, and I thought we can perhaps discuss this like adults. Now you have to know that I am the most respectful person, I never yell or say bad words to anyone, I am always pretty calm.... I just wanted him to tell me if he will ever take me seriously, and things like that, but I think you already guessed i did not like what he said. It is like, he wants me, and cannot let me go, but does not want to commit fully? Also, after our argument, I was so sad and did not know what to do, so I just went online and searched that dating site, found his profile again, with the info that he is looking for a long term relationship. And the profile was updated recently, he even put some new pictures there that were taken just a few months ago. I got upset and cried all day, feel like I have wasted 3 years of my life. I want to break up with him and forget about him, delete him form my mind and heart, but I don't know how to do it. Here is the thing. I would like to go NC, but think it might be kind of cruel. His dad is in hospital and will have a serious surgery on Monday. He is 79 years old and he has been extremely stressed out about this. I don't know what to do, the longer I wait, the more I will suffer. I haven't spoken to him for about 3 days now, although we both sent "i am sorry" messages after the argument. It seems I just cannot let go. What is wrong with me?
Ruby65 Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 Nothing is wrong with you. You're absolutely 100% acting in your best interests to end this relationship. I would tell him the relationship is over and that you won't be in contact with him for an extended period of time so that you can heal. Let him know that his dad will be in your thoughts and prayers, and thank him in advance for understanding. Then you begin NC, and come post here. Everyone here will help you through this, day by day. Good luck with it! You're doing the right thing.
Pod81 Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 Ugh, I know exactly how it feels to be dating a commitment-phobe (look at the last thread I created if you care) and honestly, these kinds of people have serious insecurity/maturity issues. People with these kinds of issues either 1) have this irrational fear of the relationship not working so they make excuses (a self-fulfilling prophecy) or 2) simply wants to enjoy life without being tied down or be too emotionally attached. Do you really want to be in a long-term relationship with someone like this? These people aren't fit to be in a long-term relationship to begin with. Instead, they should confront these issues and it's a journey they'll have to go through themselves. I say let him go in a civil manner, wish him luck, start NC, and perhaps there's a glimmer of hope he'll change for the better. That's the route that I've taken. By then, however, you may have moved on or he hasn't matured at all.
AlexanderJames Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 Nothing is wrong with you. You're absolutely 100% acting in your best interests to end this relationship. I would tell him the relationship is over and that you won't be in contact with him for an extended period of time so that you can heal. Let him know that his dad will be in your thoughts and prayers, and thank him in advance for understanding. Then you begin NC, and come post here. Everyone here will help you through this, day by day. Good luck with it! You're doing the right thing. This is such great advice. Short and effective. Well said. I agree with ruby, your doing the right thing by you. If you cant make yourself happy, no one can. Good luck, I hope to hear about your progress on here soon. You have the support of myself and many others in this community.
veggirl Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 It is NOT cruel to go NC. He has not cared about you at all during your relationship, why should you care about him now?
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