I broke nc but what makes it worse is he didn't respond

[imperfectangel]

Me and my ex mm have been in lc for a long time we haven't even seen each other for nearly a year 2 weeks ago I sent him a long email basically telling him I want a normal relationship, kids etc and that he cannot give any of this to me so we began nc

 

But the past few days have been very very hard. I've felt I've got so far lately I felt I could let him go and be done but over the past 24 hours I must have text 5 times that I want him, miss him, I told him about a date I have for tomorrow which I'm not even sure I should go on after all this

 

But what really gets to me is he hasn't even replied. I am nothing to him it seems he just doesn't care if he did I wouldve thought he'd reply

 

I miss him so much all of a sudden I'm starting to want him back even though he's never really been mine I even text him "I don't know why I'm bothering you obviously don't feel the same" that was about 2 hours ago and I've not heard anything he's killing me

 

I feel like I've taken 10 steps back

[skywriter]

I'm sorry imperfectangel. Even if he did reply, I think it would still set you back.

 

If he replied I miss you too, and said all these things that you feel, it would stir up alot of confusion from within you.

 

Sometimes the most loving thing these married people can do is let go and let you move on to a healthy, realistic, unhidden relationship.

 

You didn't take 10 steps back, you were human and experiencing human emotions. The best thing that could've happened, happened, he didn't reply.

 

Process the fact that he didn't reply and keep being strong.

[whichwayisup]

He is doing NC with you since he cannot give you what you want. A life, marriage, kids..He has that already with his wife. He actually IS respecting your wish to do NC. For him to reply is pointless. You two ended it and he is focussing on healing and reconnecting with his wife.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting more after contacting him. I hope you don't reach out again. Next time you get the urge, post here instead.

[imperfectangel]

I posted here thinking that I have actually snapped and gone insane.

 

I like to think he's "respecting nc" but I after my email, he text me 2 days later asking me if I'd calmed down yet.... So I doubt it.

 

I'm hoping these feelings will fade, again, I can't cope with this anymore

[MissBee]

Oh imperfectangel ,

 

I have experienced that insanity. Step away from the phone! Although it's too late for the ones already sent, don't add more messages to the ones he hasn't responded to. I realize impulsive messaging is such a bad, bad thing and one of the technological demons during breakups . Seriously. Before text messages, you'd have to build up the courage to call someone. It's easier to text many messages in an impulsive hurry than make repeated calls...although one can still call someone endlessly. But text makes it that much easier. As soon as irrational and impulsive thoughts come to your mind about your ex, before you can even sit on it and think you've shot off a light speed message instantly.

 

Turn your phone off and step away from it. Seriously. I remember during my breakup and NC the phone was my worst enemy. Every message and call had my stomach in knots hoping it was him and being upset when it wasn't or being falsely happy when it was, then when I replied and he didn't answer for hours or at all my whole day would be ruined smh. I went away for 2 weeks to another country and had no cell service and I felt the most peace I had in a while. I didn't have to be on edge about if he was calling or texting or worry about me impulsively calling or texting him. You can artificially create that by turning your phone off for a few hours and taking a bath or doing something else you love without the phone attached to you.

 

It's normal to be fine then go through a phase where an overwhelming nostalgia or missing that person comes over you, but you have to ride it out and focus on the reality. Often, even if you contact them and they reply and you feel good, t is short-lived, as all the reasons why you stopped talking to them are usually the same and you then feel foolish disappointed and rejected all over again. No one knows what's in his head, but you employed NC and he is sticking to it, and you will thank him for this later, believe me! My exAP did the same and it was the best thing ever for me, as I truly got to heal. I thought it was cruel at the time, and I don't pretend that he did it fully conscious and because he was altruistic and was doing it for me, but us not speaking truly ended up being for the best. Maybe it would make you feel better to think that he is missing you, wants you, it kills him not to answer...and maybe it's true...but maybe not and more importantly it doesn't matter. He still won't give you what you need, so you have to let him go and trust that he's holding up his end of the NC deal. Breaking NC always teaches you how far you've come and how much more there is to go...don't feel bad. You'll be fine.

Edited June 20, 2012 by MissBee

[imperfectangel]

Thank you for your replies I know they make sense

 

But really at the moment, the way I'm feeling I want him to be missing me but I know deep down he doesn't or surely he'd tell me

 

I wish he'd just put me in my place so fix speak I want him to finish it, to take the decision out of my hands idk why, but I think I just want him to say "it's over"

[TigerCub]

(((ImperfectAngel)))

 

I'm so sorry that you are missing him so much.

 

As the others already said

- he could just be respecting your NC

- he could have finally realized in your last email to him that he really can't give you the things you need and he's doing what he can to push you away now.

- Or, my guess is, he saw your frenzy of emails and now thinks that its a good chance to do some game play and make you wait, and he'll text you in a few days. (this one is my guess) - I hope that by then your missing him "temporary insanity" would be over and you'd just ignore him forever...

 

But honestly don't drive yourself insane wondering and waiting and all that.

Its totally normal to go through cycles and miss xMM all of a sudden and just feel that being in contact and hearing that they missed you too is all you need - but it really isn't IA. Imagine if he just texted and said "I miss you too babe" - then what? will you be thrown back into the whole mess.

 

Stay strong, keep busy and I know you will get through this.

 

Good luck

[imperfectangel]

Thanks everyone I wish I'd posted this in the first place before I text him

 

I didn't even used to think about him as much but this past week as soon as I open my eyes I'm checking my phone - though I keep it on silent during the night so I know I haven't totally lost it - I used to have it really loud so I'd wake up if he text me

 

I just really miss him I know he's not all that but he really is a nice person I hope his w looks after him I fel really jealous of her right now

[imperfectangel]

Lady, I think more than anything it's a habit/cycle myself and mm are in

 

He's been in my life for 14 years and I'm only 28, I don't remember him not being there in some way - I've always thought we were "meant to be" and eventually we would "be" I know that's not going to happen but getting my mind/heart to process that just doesn't seem to be happening

[imperfectangel]

He just has something over me, I can't explain it I feel like I'm getting over it and then bam I have a few days like today I guess I just have to learn to ride it out and stop reaching out to him I just hate the lack of communication from him, to just be ignored by someone that told you they loved you hurts so much

[misspalmy]

your not alone I have just dont the same. I email him. he said he will go to the cops if I email him again. I only email him so our kids could still see him, guess his gf means the world to him i was just a bed friend

[Ladydrib]

Me and my ex mm have been in lc for a long time we haven't even seen each other for nearly a year 2 weeks ago I sent him a long email basically telling him I want a normal relationship, kids etc and that he cannot give any of this to me so we began nc.*

 

Response: Can't change breaking the NC now - but for next time, keep in mind that you DO have dreams that (as is) he cannot be a part of them. And there is nothing you can do to change his mind. If he's going to change his mind, it will have to come from within himself. Telling him your expectations clearly and going NC might be the best way to help him make up his mind. But you must follow through with your words to be taken seriously. And keep in mind that there is a good chance, no matter what you do, that he will never be a part of making your dreams a reality. But another benefit of sticking to NC is that you will be getting better and over him each day. And if he never comes around, wouldn't you rather be over him than wasting your time?

But the past few days have been very very hard. I've felt I've got so far lately I felt I could let him go and be done but over the past 24 hours I must have text 5 times that I want him, miss him, I told him about a date I have for tomorrow which I'm not even sure I should go on after all this.*

 

Response: stay strong. You will have moments of weakness. In these moments remind yourself that you want him to take you seriously or to get out of your life (assuming you really do want your dreams to come true and you are not willing to be second). And if for some reason you mess up and contact him - never tell him you have a date! Not going to do anything but piss him off and make it easier for him to ignore you. By not making you "only his" he already knows you can/will go on dates. Telling him will only push him away. Let him wonder.*

 

But what really gets to me is he hasn't even replied. I am nothing to him it seems he just doesn't care if he did I wouldve thought he'd reply.*

 

Response: he may be punishing you. In his mind he's probably thinking 3 things.*

 

1. He's giving you what you asked for - NC.*

 

2. He's pissed that you told him about the date, so he is refusing to react to give you what he knows you really want, even though it doesn't match what you asked for.*

 

3. He has the control because you are chasing him now, so he'll use that to get what HE wants.*

 

I miss him so much all of a sudden I'm starting to want him back even though he's never really been mine I even text him "I don't know why I'm bothering you obviously don't feel the same" that was about 2 hours ago and I've not heard anything he's killing me

 

I feel like I've taken 10 steps back

 

Response: you are going to miss him and have moments of intense loss and pain. Its normal. Expect it, embrace it, and know it will fade with time and commitment to yourself. Allow yourself to feel this way, without running to him. You will gain strength from that. Avoid things that make you more likely to contact him (alcohol? Pictures of him?) And find something that helps you stay focused (talking in here for example)

[imperfectangel]

Thanks for the replies I've stayed away from nc as it usually makes me think of mm more

 

I think my Problem is I've been over analysing everything I realised yesterday I've hardly thought if him all week I've been trying to keep as busy as possible and I think anyone else trying to do nc that they need to do the same just keep as busy as possible

[Flabbergaster]

Big hug. You hit a bad road bump. I promise it will get easier, again. SO glad you were able to be busy this week.

Here's another version of what might have happened...

maybe he is also grieving the A still. Maybe he wanted to reply...but knew that he could only offer you 'more pain' if he replied. Maybe he does hurt, and doesn't want to hurt you more than he has.

I like this version because it lets you keep pride and focus on...moving on.

 

I have found the worst part of NC to be the days when I think "this hurts, still...but she doesn't even care at all." I wanted to know that it hurt her as well.

 

Just because he doesn't contact you doesn't mean he isn't hurt himself. Assume he is hurt...and remember that you have to let yourself heal because he can't help you. LC is the only thing worse than NC.

 

Bad days don't last for too long. Keep strong, post here before you break NC next time. Look for threads where you can contribute wisdom, ask yourself why you don't follow the same advice you can give.

 

A year later...yeah I still wanted to be in contact with her. I just knew it would only hurt both of us.

 

-perspective of an xMM

[imperfectangel]

Thanks the past few days I've wanted to get in touch with him bit it always seems like its me chasing him not that contact will do me any good I just miss him so damn much I loved spending time with him, not in just a sexual way but we got in so well I miss that

[Barrsitter]

HI IA,

 

I am sorry you are going through this. It sounds to me like you just need your xmm to say "I am sorry, but I cannot continue with our relationship. I have decided to stay with my w. I love you but I just can't continue. I wish you well" or something like that.

 

It is human nature to want closure or finality. It's like when someone close to you become sick but the doctors don't know what it is. If only someone would tell you what it is, you can then deal with it.

 

My only advice is to try very hard not to contact him again because it only re-stimulates you and gets you into his head-space again, which is hurtful to you.

 

Much love to you,

B

[Barrsitter]

Flabbergaster,

 

Thank you for your perspective on things. I found your post very helpful and thoughtful.

 

B

[Mount]

Hi "imperfectangel", somehow I feel like you are LUCKY as your XMM is doing the right thing and in long term it is good for you.

 

Keep strong.

[imperfectangel]

It doesn't feel like he is doing the right thing ATM but I do understand what you mean either that or he really just never gave a *****

[Mount]

But again, you should look at the outcome:)...it does not matter why he did not respond, the result will do good for you, will save you out of the bad loop - as per Ladygrey said.

 

It doesn't feel like he is doing the right thing ATM but I do understand what you mean either that or he really just never gave a *****

[Flabbergaster]

It doesn't feel like he is doing the right thing ATM but I do understand what you mean either that or he really just never gave a *****

 

Hehe...the only right thing in your view would be to leave his life for you. I'm not criticizing/patronizing, I'm pointing out that ANYTHING LESS would only hurt you at this point.

Whatever the reason is for his silence...the truth is that it will still hurt. And the truth is that others here are correct, it's better for you that he didn't respond no matter what the reason.

 

Ok...you made it through yesterday...it's time for the hard part.

 

He might respond. Maybe he was thinking it over. You CANNOT resume contact. You need to delete his response, unread. You need to hit 'ignore' if he calls. If he persists, you need to send a brief message reasserting NC ("I apologize for the confusion. Please do not attempt to contact me further. Please ignore any correspondence from me, if I accidentally contact you.")

 

I promise you that if he does respond and you so much as read it...you will hurt ten times more than you hurt from his silence. Been there, done that, got the tshirt that says "i'm emotionally scarred from bad decisions." Can you block his number? Can you d/l an app for your phone to block? Do that now, right now. Block his email, block him on fb, block anything you can. The positive aspect is that since you KNOW he is blocked you won't wonder if he's trying to reach you. It's YOUR choice to block, rather than HIS choice to ignore. Trust me you will feel empowered by being proactive.

 

I'm sorry it has to be like this. It sucks, it really does. It's the best option you have, unfortunately.

[Mount]

Hi "imperfectangel", somehow I thought about a commerical sentence - Less is More.....:rolleyes: (you can translate it as "less contact is helping you more).

 

Cheers.