He Called Me

[KatZee]

So after 5 weeks of NC (last week) I felt it was time to open the door to reestablish some sort of communication.

 

He's the one who left, he needed space and time to himself, so me reestablishing contact and breaking the NC wasn't to try and get back, or be his friend. I just wanted the door open if/when he wants to come back.

 

So I shot him a very simple, non-threatening text, and went about my business... 20 minutes later I hear my phone ringing and not thinking of who it could be I looked and it was him.

 

We had a 15 minute catch up phone call and from the second I picked up he sounded very happy to hear from me. I could hear his enthusiasm from my end. He said he "hadn't heard my voice in like months" and "thought I'd call instead of texting back..."

 

We then spoke about our jobs, what we've been doing, my new apartment, and then he asked how my parents were and asked, "How much do they hate me?"

 

When we were hanging up he said it was great to talk to me, and that we'd talk soon.

 

I didn't want to make too much of it, but he sounds happy, like he's getting his life together, but he also sounded happy to hear from me, and it was obvious he's missed me.

 

When we broke up I left it in the best possible place. No begging, crying or pleading, I just walked way and into NC. I then have since moved on in my life. Being independent, seeing my friends, doing new things, working out, moved into my own apartment, just having a blast doing whatever I want, when I want.

 

I do hope that one day there is a chance for a reconciliation but I would want it to be a complete 180 from what it was. I think I've learned a lot about myself and what we had in these 6 weeks.

 

Not quite sure what my question is here, but how does it all sound? His family members and his friends still keep in touch with me too, if that means anything.

[Twins]

It is a good sign. He knows the door is open. But now the ball is in his court. You want him to pursue you. it was positive conversation and that's good no matter what. Keep living your life and no expectations right now.

[Tiera D]

if he wants you back he would have contacted you during your NC period.Sorry but to my eyes i just saw you became his new friend.

 

TD

[ItsNeverForever]

Tiera, I don't think you can be so cut & dry about this - everyone is different.

 

I had an ex break up with me once, decided he wanted his "freedom" - although it wasn't a "nasty" breakup, he did it in a really RUDE way, and I was MAD AS A HORNET. And of course, I was super crushed - so I went into STRICT NC - I changed my driving route to work, all together STOPPED going to the places we used to go to together, changed my hobbies, etc. to make absolutely sure I'd NEVER run into him. No calls, emails, texts, nothing. I meant business. This lasted for 9+ weeks.

 

At that point, I felt almost completely healed, someone could mention his name and I wasn't sad, angry, stressed - I was finally indifferent, and it was AWESOME. I was dating (and had heard through the grapevine that he had been, too), though nothing substantial had come from any of my dating - but I was enjoying my life. And let me add, I was looking BOMB at that point, I just have to say!

 

So I decided I'd be safe to start going back to the gym. Didn't take more than a few days before we crossed paths when I was there, and I swear to you, his jaw literally dropped when he saw me. I was cordial, at best, but made sure to smile and be very obvious about how truly happy I was and what a good time I was having there with my pals at the gym. Fast forward about 9-10 hours, and there was a late-night knock at my door - I opened it and he stood there with misty eyes, apologizing and begging me back. Turns out that once the initial "shock" of my crazy-strict NC wore off, and he started to realized the mistake he made, bc he had never seen me so mad and adamant about the "finality" of the breakup, he'd been too "scared" to make any contact. UNTIL HE SAW ME. And he knew that he couldn't live without me.

 

Now, not to say that this kind of thing is going to happen with the OP, but my point is, you can't just make an assumption that he'd have contacted her already if he really wanted her back. We NEVER KNOW why people do the things that they do...

[ItsNeverForever]

...and p.s. - when he came back, I agreed to FRIENDS ONLY. Period. There's no way I could just let him waltz back in and have me without my integrity suffering. We did eventually end up getting back together, bc we truly loved each other. So even if the OP's ex just "made her his new 'friend'", that's not exactly a death sentence, either. Again, you just NEVER know.

[gmoore]

Tiera, I don't think you can be so cut & dry about this - everyone is different.

 

I had an ex break up with me once, decided he wanted his "freedom" - although it wasn't a "nasty" breakup, he did it in a really RUDE way, and I was MAD AS A HORNET. And of course, I was super crushed - so I went into STRICT NC - I changed my driving route to work, all together STOPPED going to the places we used to go to together, changed my hobbies, etc. to make absolutely sure I'd NEVER run into him. No calls, emails, texts, nothing. I meant business. This lasted for 9+ weeks.

 

At that point, I felt almost completely healed, someone could mention his name and I wasn't sad, angry, stressed - I was finally indifferent, and it was AWESOME. I was dating (and had heard through the grapevine that he had been, too), though nothing substantial had come from any of my dating - but I was enjoying my life. And let me add, I was looking BOMB at that point, I just have to say!

 

So I decided I'd be safe to start going back to the gym. Didn't take more than a few days before we crossed paths when I was there, and I swear to you, his jaw literally dropped when he saw me. I was cordial, at best, but made sure to smile and be very obvious about how truly happy I was and what a good time I was having there with my pals at the gym. Fast forward about 9-10 hours, and there was a late-night knock at my door - I opened it and he stood there with misty eyes, apologizing and begging me back. Turns out that once the initial "shock" of my crazy-strict NC wore off, and he started to realized the mistake he made, bc he had never seen me so mad and adamant about the "finality" of the breakup, he'd been too "scared" to make any contact. UNTIL HE SAW ME. And he knew that he couldn't live without me.

 

Now, not to say that this kind of thing is going to happen with the OP, but my point is, you can't just make an assumption that he'd have contacted her already if he really wanted her back. We NEVER KNOW why people do the things that they do...

 

I agree, everyone is different. Some people will bury their feelings forever just to suffer. Obviously this isn't a healthy example but it's something that could/does happen. Maybe the persons low self esteem keeps them from feeling "worthy" of your love or they are simply to indecisive to act on their emotions, there are slews of reasons why someone who loves you and wants to be with you would't come beating your door down to get you back like some believe should happen in order for reconciliation. Most people are a little more subtle than that. That being said, it is NOT your job to coax it out of them either, it has to come from them ultimately. It's a balancing act.

[KatZee]

Tiera, I don't think you can be so cut & dry about this - everyone is different.

 

I had an ex break up with me once, decided he wanted his "freedom" - although it wasn't a "nasty" breakup, he did it in a really RUDE way, and I was MAD AS A HORNET. And of course, I was super crushed - so I went into STRICT NC - I changed my driving route to work, all together STOPPED going to the places we used to go to together, changed my hobbies, etc. to make absolutely sure I'd NEVER run into him. No calls, emails, texts, nothing. I meant business. This lasted for 9+ weeks.

 

At that point, I felt almost completely healed, someone could mention his name and I wasn't sad, angry, stressed - I was finally indifferent, and it was AWESOME. I was dating (and had heard through the grapevine that he had been, too), though nothing substantial had come from any of my dating - but I was enjoying my life. And let me add, I was looking BOMB at that point, I just have to say!

 

So I decided I'd be safe to start going back to the gym. Didn't take more than a few days before we crossed paths when I was there, and I swear to you, his jaw literally dropped when he saw me. I was cordial, at best, but made sure to smile and be very obvious about how truly happy I was and what a good time I was having there with my pals at the gym. Fast forward about 9-10 hours, and there was a late-night knock at my door - I opened it and he stood there with misty eyes, apologizing and begging me back. Turns out that once the initial "shock" of my crazy-strict NC wore off, and he started to realized the mistake he made, bc he had never seen me so mad and adamant about the "finality" of the breakup, he'd been too "scared" to make any contact. UNTIL HE SAW ME. And he knew that he couldn't live without me.

 

Now, not to say that this kind of thing is going to happen with the OP, but my point is, you can't just make an assumption that he'd have contacted her already if he really wanted her back. We NEVER KNOW why people do the things that they do...

 

That's basically what I did. I moved to a new neighborhood and have my own apartment. I realized my ex is basically like yours and what yours did, too scared to reach out and initiate first contact. I felt that because I'm the one who initiated the strict NC to begin with. I said we couldn't be friends, and that whatever we had was gone, and that was it.

 

Around the 5 week mark I felt OK to reach out and just open that door just so he knew I wasn't a steaming hornet anymore. But that's it. It wasn't to establish friendship or anything and I haven't contacted him since. It's still NC and anything from this point forward comes from his end.

 

But like you, I'm enjoying the new found single life. I'm doing so many new things, fixing a bit of my appearance, joined a gym, trying this dating thing next month... and if by some chance he DID come around as yours did, it would be strictly friends only at this point because there's no way I'd deal with him pulling this again.

 

But mine seems to have left for the same reason. Wanted freedom. He's been in relationships his entire life and said he had no clue who he is, needs to be single to figure himself out. So I let him go, let him go do that.

 

He did say things such as, "I can see us starting fresh down the line once I have my life sorted, I would like that" he was saying he still loved me and that's why he had to let me go because he was being selfish, blah blah.

 

It's been about 6 weeks now and not so much coming from his end. So who knows.

[Tiera D]

im not to argue but its just my opinion that although most people are not the same but the breakup patterns are usually the same,only a rare few manage to reconcile or reconcile permanently,even some that manage to reconcile end up breaking up along the way.I agree on some points that you raised Never4ever,but i think its up to OP to decide what to do

 

TD

[KatZee]

I don't have any intention of being his friend though. Haven't spoken to him since and I won't be. The only contact I'll respond to is "I miss you and want to try again." everything else will be ignored.

[favoritepills]

I don't have any intention of being his friend though. Haven't spoken to him since and I won't be. The only contact I'll respond to is "I miss you and want to try again." everything else will be ignored.

Good plan.

 

Just curious -- how did this phone conversation with him make you feel, during and after?

[KatZee]

Good plan.

 

Just curious -- how did this phone conversation with him make you feel, during and after?

 

Kind of like, "We spoke, OK, whatever." I didn't feel any excitement or any feelings of hope or like I should really look into it at all. It felt like no time had passed since the last time we spoke and then we hung up and it was like oh, ok. I was definitely curious as to why he said certain things but that was it. I knew after that call that we wouldn't be speaking again (my choice). I just don't see the point. I don't need or want him as a friend. I'm just confused because some people say that if reconciliation is to happen, u need communication. But if you communicate then you get friend zoned. I think it was a positive he called and was obviously happy and excited to hear from me, just not sure what happens now. Hah. Just kind of remaining in NC until I really figure out what I should do, if anything. There are a lot of tips from "get your ex back " sites that say a period of NC is def good but after a nice period of time it's ok to reach out and try to relight the flame, but everyone else says stay NC and do nothing. Everything is a contradiction lol.

[favoritepills]

There are a lot of tips from "get your ex back " sites that say a period of NC is def good but after a nice period of time it's ok to reach out and try to relight the flame, but everyone else says stay NC and do nothing. Everything is a contradiction lol.

It's kind of like dieting, different methods work for different people. I think it's somewhat true that maintaining contact throughout the BU gets you friend-zoned -- it sends a signal to dumper that you're willing to hang around them even if they don't want you anymore. But I can't say with certainty that manipulating contact (NC for a while, then reach out) is effective, as I've never tried it myself. I'm skeptical because even if you manage to only show him your best side and remind him of what he's missed, there's still a reason he broke up with you in the first place.

 

And knowing the reason your boyfriend broke up with you, I worry it might stunt his period of self-growth if you initiate a reconciliation before he's ready or before he's found himself. That'll lead to resentment on his part. Trust me when I say you'll want a relationship with the self-assured version of him, not the version of him who's still searching for an identity.

 

Once he's found himself, once he's gained that self-confidence, he will know what he wants. If what he wants is you, he'll be the one to call you.

 

My personal opinion on the call is that it's not indicative of anything other than him being a nice guy -- after all, he didn't initiate contact, you did by texting him first. The topics of discussion were standard-issue breadcrumbs.

 

I realize I'm biased, since total NC worked for me (in both healing myself and repairing my relationship with my once-again-boyfriend), but one of the more common stories I've found on LS are that exes usually come crawling back when you're over them.

[KatZee]

Oh you're absolutely right. I don't want who he was/is. He had some growing up to do and many things to learn. I wouldn't rush any recon at all. So I'm going to stick with the "plan" and just remain NC; I absolutely don't want him to think he just gets benefits of me.

 

It's kind of like dieting, different methods work for different people. I think it's somewhat true that maintaining contact throughout the BU gets you friend-zoned -- it sends a signal to dumper that you're willing to hang around them even if they don't want you anymore. But I can't say with certainty that manipulating contact (NC for a while, then reach out) is effective, as I've never tried it myself. I'm skeptical because even if you manage to only show him your best side and remind him of what he's missed, there's still a reason he broke up with you in the first place.

 

And knowing the reason your boyfriend broke up with you, I worry it might stunt his period of self-growth if you initiate a reconciliation before he's ready or before he's found himself. That'll lead to resentment on his part. Trust me when I say you'll want a relationship with the self-assured version of him, not the version of him who's still searching for an identity.

 

Once he's found himself, once he's gained that self-confidence, he will know what he wants. If what he wants is you, he'll be the one to call you.

 

My personal opinion on the call is that it's not indicative of anything other than him being a nice guy -- after all, he didn't initiate contact, you did by texting him first. The topics of discussion were standard-issue breadcrumbs.

 

I realize I'm biased, since total NC worked for me (in both healing myself and repairing my relationship with my once-again-boyfriend), but one of the more common stories I've found on LS are that exes usually come crawling back when you're over them.

[favoritepills]

That's great to hear! I think you're doing incredibly well post-breakup, plus given some really good advice in other threads. Keep it up!

[KatZee]

That's great to hear! I think you're doing incredibly well post-breakup, plus given some really good advice in other threads. Keep it up!

 

Thanks! I'm doing really well actually! All possibility for second chance is DONE. He texted me earlier this week and sh*t hit the proverbial fan. Any respect, love, anything I had for him left, is completely gone and he's shown his true colors.

 

Couldn't care less actually... going on two separate speed dating events this month and I am so excited to have a chance to meet all these new guys!

 

Keep fingers crossed that I meet someone amazing!

[KatZee]

That's great to hear! I think you're doing incredibly well post-breakup, plus given some really good advice in other threads. Keep it up!

 

Thanks! I'm doing really well actually! All possibility for second chance is DONE. He texted me earlier this week and sh*t hit the proverbial fan. Any respect, love, anything I had for him left, is completely gone and he's shown his true colors.

 

Couldn't care less actually... going on two separate speed dating events this month and I am so excited to have a chance to meet all these new guys!

 

Keep fingers crossed that I meet someone amazing!

[favoritepills]

He texted me earlier this week and sh*t hit the proverbial fan. Any respect, love, anything I had for him left, is completely gone and he's shown his true colors.

Ooh, snap! What happened?

 

It's a blessing in disguise. If there's a promise of "I still love you" during a breakup, it makes it harder to let go completely because there's that niggling hope in the back of your head. So things like this that can make us angry at or disgusted by the dumper actually bring a lot of closure. It feels so good to finally be able to say, "I'm done!"

 

So, congratulations on moving on, and best wishes finding someone even better!

[Tiera D]

Katzee when u get a new relationship remember to keep boundries ok, dont lose your identity,i believe u will get a better guy soon.GL

 

TD