dollface07 Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 Update there are 10 days left in June, we were supposed to go public with our relationship by the end of June. Last night my bf told me that he is going to tell his best guy friend about our relationship and said that he hasn't spoken to his family in 15days which is why they don't know about us with it being the final part of June in all SO...he's definitely giving the appearance of forward momentum in our relationship here are a few examples of the major progress we've made: 1) consistent regular contact just to hear my voice 2) coming over frequently just to spend time with me and relax after work or to relax from work before returning to work 3) spending the night 4) seeing each other sometimes twice a day 5) seeing each other 3-5 times a week 6) taking me grocery shopping with him 7) very interested in providing me with pleasure physical, sexual, emotional deep intimate discussions 8) consistent with bringing me flowers, chocolates 9) very tender with his manner of speech with me and when touching me 10) preforms grand gestures to resolve our disagreements relatively quickly (within 1.5-3 hours as opposed to earlier when it could be 1.5-3 days or Weeks!) Now, come to all the great progress we've made and while I don't want to "rock the boat" since things are calm and stable the reality is that we are still not public. There is a party on Friday and normally he would not take me and I would be upset but due to the agreement would not make a big deal about it; however, it feels like it's now or never since this is the final party opportunity in June before he may go away for summer holiday (he says it's 40% likely he'll travel on a 4 week holiday beginning the second week of July until mid-August) But this party that my boyfriend will for sure be attending, I have also been invited to this person's goodbye party and then to their place for drinking (but i dont drink no worries) and dancing (i do love to dance!). This person is someone who is more than an acquaintance so it is not strange that I would attend. My boyfriend says: 1) he's tired of discussing this issue and that it's making him lose his concentration 2) we are NOT going to go public by the end of June 3) he is NOT going to travel out of the country for a month on summer holiday LS members, I would like public acknowledgement and I am concerned that I will just become complacent in the status quo of being a secret if I don't encourage the outcome I would most like to attain being that I am his serious girlfriend I thought we've had enough serious relationship discussions that we are on the same page BUT now I don't know if we really are on the same page he has just told me we are NOT going to go public by the end of June. Advice, suggestions and any help please.
norajane Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 Why are you a secret anyway? What was the purpose of that and why did you agree to it?
Mme. Chaucer Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 Why would dating a person EVER be a secret and need a big unveiling? Unless somebody is married or involved with someone else ... 1
Emilia Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 How much of your conversations are about this? How long have you been dating?
Mme. Chaucer Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 I just read some of your older posts and I guess the reasons behind the big secret are culturally based? Still, whether he's Iranian or hails from another planet entirely, it's not healthy. And having this even be an issue or a frequent topic of conversation can't be part of a healthy relationship, either. You have allowed an unacceptable parameter to be placed upon YOUR relationship for its entire formative stage. This has set the tone for everything. I think you should bolster your courage and ask for what you NEED from this guy, and when he does not deliver, face the fact that you are in a very one-sided relationship where you really don't matter very much to the other person. And leave it. 1
norajane Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 I would stop seeing him unless he is ready to be open about your relationship. Obviously, you won't and can't be happy together otherwise, so there is no point in continuing to date in secret. It would just make you more and more upset as time goes on.
FitChick Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 What's the difference between going public June 30th or July 1st? It's just one day. Will most of his friends be out of town so if you officially go public no one will be there to witness it? What if his family doesn't approve of you? Is he man enough to go against their wishes? At this point, just wait out the ten days. You've waited this long.
Author dollface07 Posted June 21, 2012 Author Posted June 21, 2012 Why are you a secret anyway? What was the purpose of that and why did you agree to it? I agreed to it giving him the benefit of the doubt thinking that he would do the right thing and keep to his word b/c he was feeling academic pressure and I wanted him to gain more respect from me for my supportive, patient and understanding nature...but this was all under the condition that he would stick to his June deadline promise.
Author dollface07 Posted June 21, 2012 Author Posted June 21, 2012 How much of your conversations are about this? How long have you been dating? dating almost half a year, at the beginning many of the conversations were about this but as of the past month hardly any. That's why I grew concerned that I was beginning to become complacent about the status quo and when he put his foot down yesterday and blatantly said we are not going to go public in June, followed by this text message: "You have your rights in this relationship, i like you so much and respect your rights and expectations. i told you before that this is my problem not yours but it is my reality--an intense, stressful and exhausting life" i told him im sad and disappointed and he told me "we are both sad today, we will talk tomorrow" sigh
Author dollface07 Posted June 21, 2012 Author Posted June 21, 2012 You have allowed an unacceptable parameter to be placed upon YOUR relationship for its entire formative stage. This has set the tone for everything. I think you should bolster your courage and ask for what you NEED from this guy, and when he does not deliver, face the fact that you are in a very one-sided relationship where you really don't matter very much to the other person. And leave it. Mme. Chaucer thank you for your reply. Today when he calls me I will ask for what I Need, and I have already made my decision to attend the party tomorrow night instead of stay home upset. I have already began the early stages of facing the fact about this relationship being one sided i am not in denial about how his actions are indicating that I dont matter all that much to him...but all of the little loving gestures that added all up over time sometimes make me waver in my assessment that i dont matter all that much to him. it's not black or white but yes there are so many mixed signals. I have already told him we need to both do the right thing and move on...i think he just might agree but is confused himself so when we talk today i will hear his side related to my suggestion that we both move on...either way it will be hard if he agrees we should move on but even if he doesnt agree, unless he makes a grand gesture and agrees to go public i have no choice but to force myself to move on to repair that parameter that was crossed.
Author dollface07 Posted June 21, 2012 Author Posted June 21, 2012 I would stop seeing him unless he is ready to be open about your relationship. Obviously, you won't and can't be happy together otherwise, so there is no point in continuing to date in secret. It would just make you more and more upset as time goes on. norajane i will go to the party on Friday night but not with him. We are very happy together even with being a secret that's why I agreed to being a secret and allowed it to go on for so long. But you are correct there is no point in continuing in this manner because all the happy moments will be overtaken with resentment. At least now if he agrees with my suggestion that we both need to move on, we'll still have those happy times. I wont agree to continue seeing him after he has broken his promise to go public with me in June otherwise no matter how much we care about each other, i will not be respecting myself and over time, based on my own example, neither will he respect me...this really is tough love.
Author dollface07 Posted June 21, 2012 Author Posted June 21, 2012 What's the difference between going public June 30th or July 1st? It's just one day. Will most of his friends be out of town so if you officially go public no one will be there to witness it? What if his family doesn't approve of you? Is he man enough to go against their wishes? At this point, just wait out the ten days. You've waited this long. FitChick, I would love to wait out those 10 days but he's already told me we are not going to go public in June and he gave me no indication that there was any hope that this was going to take place in the near future like even in July. He will speak to me today by phone, but I don't feel that he will view me worthy of respect if he can just arbitrarily change the date and I just accept it no questions asked. He knows that I want to accept things as they are but I also have feelings about the progression of this relationship related to being publicly acknowledged. So I am torn. I don't even know what to tell him when he does call. FitChick you know I've patiently waited all this time but tomorrow night is the now or never night b/c although it's not so much about other's being around to witness it (and his behavior seems to indicate that he does care about others opinions more than my feelings) it is a now or never night b/c it has more to do with him maintaining trust and security by keeping true to major promises he makes to me. If I cant be secure in his words and what he tells me then how can this relationship progress in love? So far he has done nothing to betray my trust up until yesterday when he put his foot down and retroactively retracted his promise about going public. It's about respect, trust, security and love. Please tell me if my line of thinking is flawed, I am trying to be fair and rational while maintaining a balanced perspective and not let my emotions influence me too much.
FitChick Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 He keeps moving the goalpost, so I'd be pissed off, too. You kept your side of the bargain. Since he is so intent on keeping your relationship a secret, I'd TELL EVERYONE NOW since you have NOTHING to lose! 1
Author dollface07 Posted June 22, 2012 Author Posted June 22, 2012 and was completely conflict avoidant we spoke for half an hour and i just let him talk and he first tried to feel out my mood and then he acknowledged that i seem angry and he asked me for a kiss (we do that over the phone) but i told him i have a headache and then he said he likes me and all of my moods and then he and i stayed silent on the phone for almost 3 mins...and then he suggested he would sing me a song...??? and he never sang me a song before so i said okay and it did lighten the situation but we hung up without having discussed anything about what he told me yesterday or about the party tomorrow night WHAT JUST HAPPENED ?
norajane Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 we hung up without having discussed anything about what he told me yesterday or about the party tomorrow night WHAT JUST HAPPENED ? You let this fester for another day, that's what happened. Why didn't you speak up and tell him what was on your mind?
january2011 Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 Once your relationship is public, will it be free to flourish? Is that the only barrier that's holding back the relationship?
Author dollface07 Posted June 22, 2012 Author Posted June 22, 2012 Yes this is the only thing. i let it fester but i didnt mean to, i was not going to bring anything up when it was obvious i had just sent him a message clearly articulating my displeasure and he said to me that yes i was right and that i had rights in this relationship and that he respects my rights and expectations and that it seemed we were both sad that day and that we should speak tomorrow...tomorrow came and we spoke but not about anything that well...im still in shock... im going to the party tonight regardless and i will see how he treats me...im nervous but i have to go there for myself and stop staying at home upset over this arrangement. goodness
january2011 Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 Unless going public would risk death or injury, I don't think there's a 'good' reason to keep a relationship secret. And unless he is able to show you that he's serious about you and your relationship, I'm afraid that you're probably going to continue to feel insecure about this, which will erode what you have together. With the result that after so long hiding in the shadows, going public may not be the big ta-da moment that will make everything better. If there is no agreed end to the torment in sight, then I think you need to consider whether this is really the right relationship for you.
Author dollface07 Posted June 25, 2012 Author Posted June 25, 2012 "And unless he is able to show you that he's serious about you and your relationship" At the party I went outside and he told me to please understand the pressure he is undergoing and that he didn't break his promise to me b/c going public was with a condition of AFTER he presented his doctoral proposal defense. He told me he only said those things without explaining himself b/c he was angry at that moment and that we are solid together. Now he is telling me he loves me and all these love words almost every day. He's totally changed so lets see how long it sticks...I am being optimistic however, he calls me just to hear my voice and in sincere. I do believe him and am feeling much more secure. hehe he became so jealous at both the restaurant and party and wouldn't leave my side and kept a close eye at all times when any guys tried to talk/dance with me! It felt so empowering to know that he is pretty concerned about me and that I was brave enough to just attend the event to have fun for once and socialize. After the party he wanted to come over and I said no it was not a good idea...that's when we had the talk right then and there late in the evening and sorted things out. I should have attended an event sooner! he also called me first thing in the morning the next day and became just in a sustained pursuit mode hehe. Well I guess we'll go public in July sometime, he is going to tell his closest friend about us soon though so that will be a good start. Thank you all for taking the time to get me through this uncertain point in the relationship I feel that both the 3 and 6 month marks of a new relationship can get pretty tense/intense and I am grateful that you all helped me successfully get through those points. I hope by this Fall term when we get to the 9 & hopefully 12 month points I can come here again for some advice as things progress. Thank you, Df
january2011 Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 Glad to hear that it went well. Hopefully, it will continue to go well and we won't see you back here unless it's to announce you've gone public! 1
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