Anyone never been in love?

[Eternal Sunshine]

I am sure I never have. I am even ashamed to admit it because it obviously feels like there is something wrong with me. Every time I have been with a guy, I felt like part of me had to force it.

 

I am able to commit and even love the feeling of just being with one guy in a serious relationship. But I don't FEEL it really. I say the right things and am very affectionate. Every time I said "I love you" or "I miss you" it felt fake to a large degree.

 

When I was in my 20s, I never even got into LTRs because I felt like this and felt that was a sign I haven't met the right guy. I my early 30s, I realized that this "not quite love" feeling is all there is for me and hence my first really serious relationship. I would have married him too, despite not really feeling it.

 

Basically, if I have not felt it until now, there is little chance that I will feel it in the future. I seem to be wired that way.

 

It's not even "I thought I was in love at the time but now I realize I wasn't". Even "at the time" I conciously thought "I am not really feeling it".

 

Anyone else like this? It really saddens me that I am unable to truly connect with anyone

[USMCHokie]

Anyone else like this? It really saddens me that I am unable to truly connect with anyone

 

I started feeling this after the end of my first relationship a couple years ago, and I understand what you mean by "faking it." Haven't been the same since...

[MrCastle]

I'm 24 and I've never been in love.

 

I believe it exists, but what kind. Is it many kinds?

 

Is it the kind where as soon as you lay eyes on someone, you just *know*?

 

Is it one where you're a perfect match for the other?

 

Is it one that builds over time and you accept each others faults and look past their shortcomings?

 

I don't think you can actively go looking for it though. When it happens, it happens.

[Emilia]

I'm 39 and have been in love 3 times in my life so far. I think I'm probably still in love with my last one. Even the bad times are worth that kind of connection, when it's mutual you truly feel you are two halves of one person. Love is a beautiful thing

[utterer of lies]

Basically, if I have not felt it until now, there is little chance that I will feel it in the future. I seem to be wired that way.

 

It's not even "I thought I was in love at the time but now I realize I wasn't". Even "at the time" I conciously thought "I am not really feeling it".

 

That's actually really sad.

 

 

Did you ever take MDMA?

[Eternal Sunshine]

I remember in my last R, just before my ex was about to leave for Europe for 4 weeks... We spent every day together and had a great time. He was super-loving and seemed crazy about me (at that point in time - still pretty early in our R). We were already exhanging I love yous etc.

 

At the airport, I felt no emotion for him leaving. There was a blank, nothing. I thought I was supposed to cry at the airport or at least feel really sad, but as we hugged good-bye, I really had to force "I will miss you".

 

As I got home, I started to cry for my lack of feelings for him. I quickly convinced myself that I was probably just tired or something.

 

But there were many moments like that, even if he wasn't clearly an a-hole - where it was plainly obvious that I wasn't really in love.

[Eternal Sunshine]

That's actually really sad.

 

 

Did you ever take MDMA?

 

Nope. I never did any drugs except for some pot. I took low dose anti-depressants at some stage. That's it.

[Emilia]

At the airport, I felt no emotion for him leaving. There was a blank, nothing. I thought I was supposed to cry at the airport or at least feel really sad, but as we hugged good-bye, I really had to force "I will miss you".

 

As I got home, I started to cry for my lack of feelings for him. I quickly convinced myself that I was probably just tired or something.

 

But there were many moments like that, even if he wasn't clearly an a-hole - where it was plainly obvious that I wasn't really in love.

 

I think you have a movie concept of what being in love is. Feeling 'nothing' is completely normal when someone departs if you spent a lot of time together. You start missing them when separation anxiety kicks in. That can be a day or a week.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I think you have a movie concept of what being in love is. Feeling 'nothing' is completely normal when someone departs if you spent a lot of time together. You start missing them when separation anxiety kicks in. That can be a day or a week.

 

Hmmm possibly. Possibly I expect too much of what "falling in love" should be like.

[january2011]

I was in love with and loved my ex until the last few years of our relationship. I'm in love with my current SO.

 

Having been in a very long-term relationship, I know that the in love feelings can go up and down after the honeymoon period and settle into a more comforting and warm love feeling rather than the heady buzz of the in love feeling. In my experience, in love and in lust feelings burn brightly but are not as enduring as love feelings.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Jan, I did feel butterflies and strong "in lust" feelings for a number of men, but for some reason or the other, either circumstance or they weren't interested, it never developed into LTR.

 

With my ex, I never really had "lustful" feelings or butterflies, even at the very start. It was more of a rational decision to start dating him seriously.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Hmmm possibly. Possibly I expect too much of what "falling in love" should be like.

 

I wouldn't be too quick to judge...I see a lot of people out there who think because they haven't fallen in love they're expecting too much.

 

In love can be a pretty amazing feeling, and nothing feels forced. You feel a yearning and a pain to be with and even without this person. I'm not an obsessive person, I can't do any one thing for very long, I can lose interest in something quickly and will find something else compelling, I don't watch romantic love stories or read novels but I do have a strong passion for the things I do feel strongly, an unwavering fire and being in love fuels it where maybe only my passions in life can come close to matching.

 

This is something I believe in and have experienced, and I've experienced different levels and stages of love and based on what you're saying I just don't think you've found someone you can really dive into love with, It wasn't mutual or meant to be...because It's something overwhelming and changes you internally, It shifts the plates of your heart and moves things around, has you question what is reality and fantasy because the line is so thin...sometimes It feels like you are in a dream.

 

I guess this might be another "don't give up post" If that's how you want to look at it, and maybe believing the words of a romantic are a little far fetched for you...but give it a chance and don't try to find it, it will find you.

 

I feel for bad for those who haven't experienced it, I think it would change my perception of life greatly and expectations had I not.

[january2011]

ES, I suspect that you're looking for the complete package. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. We've all got our preferences!

 

Regarding rational decisions, granted it's only a datapoint of one, but I have a friend who married the guy that she rationalised would make a good provider. She was marriage-minded and searching for a husband from the very first date. Her main criteria were that he could earn lots of money and provide a comfortable home for her and their future children. She's not happy because she feels like she missed out on the in love and in lust feelings. I've not said it to her directly, but I think they're headed for a divorce and/or infidelity. I'd love to be wrong. However, she walked out on him temporarily last year. She also complains about the sex and is now anti-marriage. They're uncomfortable to be around because they're constantly sniping and making digs at each other. Neither speaks respectfully to the other. They've been together for 16 years, but I don't think many of those have been happy ones.

Edited June 20, 2012 by january2011

[Ninjainpajamas]

ES, I suspect that you're looking for the complete package. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. We've all got our preferences!

 

Regarding rational decisions, granted it's only a datapoint of one, but I have a friend who married the guy that she rationalised would make a good provider. She was marriage-minded and searching for a husband from the very first date. Her main criteria was that he could earn lots of money and provide a comfortable home for her and their future children. She's not happy because she feels like she missed out on the in love and in lust feelings. I've not said it to her directly, but I think they're headed for a divorce and/or infidelity. I'd love to be wrong. However, she walked out on him temporarily last year. She also complains about the sex and is now anti-marriage. They're uncomfortable to be around because they're constantly sniping and making digs at each other. Neither speaks respectfully to the other. They've been together for 16 years, but I don't think many of those have been happy ones.

 

I know a couple and I'm sure several more in this situation If I really think about it and are married, some of them very long term..had "ups" and "downs", separation, etc..

 

One particular marriage...she has given up on the "in love" feeling and delegates it to romance novels and movies..feels that a good provider/good father, someone she is secure with and believes nobody will probably treat her as well will suffice for at the least the time being and possibly the rest of her life...I understand her reasoning, especially not knowing anything else and I don't want to make any waves so I don't say much.

 

It's not a horrible marriage by any means but there is something definitely missing, and she knows, I know it but I can't judge their marriage and choices, people are adults and able to choose what they want in their lives.

 

I think it's sad, but then again I haven't made the best choices in my life, and even though I've had love and been in love, it definitely has hurt knowing and then losing it.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I think that at this point, I have experienced it all to know that I want to hold out for the real thing.

 

I want a total package as Jan puts it. It would be easy enough to settle for a good guy but for whom I don't feel that spark with - but that wouldn't be fair on him or myself.

 

I am looking for feelings that Ninja described; it's either that or nothing for me. I would much rather be alone than have to force it again.

 

I have felt "glimpses" of what in love feels like (with short term guys) and it's absolutely amazing in every way.

 

That's one thing that I want to experience more than anything before I die.

[Kamille]

Is it possible the reason you weren't really in love with your ex is because you didn't allow yourself to be yourself with him? What I remember about that relationship is that you spent a lot of time analyzing the outcomes of your actions/decisions (fearing loss, as TBF would say) and not a lot of time being yourself. (Or letting your ex see the real you).

 

It seemed like you were over-analyzing your relationship and trying to control the outcomes to keep yourself from getting hurt. The consequence of that, however, is that you end up introducing distance in your relationship (and staying too long with a partner who isn't a match).

 

I'm thinking that, for you, this is going to be the trick: fight the instinct to hide your true self. Find a relationship where you allow yourself to be loved for who you are.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Is it possible the reason you weren't really in love with your ex is because you didn't allow yourself to be yourself with him? What I remember about that relationship is that you spent a lot of time analyzing the outcomes of your actions/decisions (fearing loss, as TBF would say) and not a lot of time being yourself. (Or letting your ex see the real you).

 

It seemed like you were over-analyzing your relationship and trying to control the outcomes to keep yourself from getting hurt. The consequence of that, however, is that you end up introducing distance in your relationship (and staying too long with a partner who isn't a match).

 

I'm thinking that, for you, this is going to be the trick: fight the instinct to hide your true self. Find a relationship where you allow yourself to be loved for who you are.

 

Hmmm Kamille, the bolded made me feel uncomfortable - this could mean that you may be on to something.

[january2011]

there is something definitely missing, and she knows, I know it but I can't judge their marriage and choices, people are adults and able to choose what they want in their lives.

 

Agree that people are adults and have the ability (and right to choose). We don't know what goes on behind closed doors - some couples seem to just work, no matter how dysfunctional their relationship appears to outsiders. Unfortunately, I suspect that the woman you mentioned is a strong candidate for a mid-life crisis due to GIGS.

[Eternal Sunshine]

BTW thanks guys for this discussion, it's been really helpful

[UpDownAllAround]

I've been in love a few times, sure...reciprocation from women after I've told them? Never. I'm 32. And I've read recently that most guys have their first happen by 14 or 15. I haven't been kissed yet either.

 

Still waiting for it to happen. Never has happened in my lifetime. I've lost a lot of weight but still got more to go. The girlfriend thing never happened to me even when I lost all the weight before, even though all society ever says is everything happens after you lose weight. Sigh. It's like I'm going in circles.

 

I'm starting to think more often now that girlfriends and reciprocation are things that only happen in the movies.

[wilsonx]

I am sure I never have. I am even ashamed to admit it because it obviously feels like there is something wrong with me. Every time I have been with a guy, I felt like part of me had to force it.

 

I am able to commit and even love the feeling of just being with one guy in a serious relationship. But I don't FEEL it really. I say the right things and am very affectionate. Every time I said "I love you" or "I miss you" it felt fake to a large degree.

 

When I was in my 20s, I never even got into LTRs because I felt like this and felt that was a sign I haven't met the right guy. I my early 30s, I realized that this "not quite love" feeling is all there is for me and hence my first really serious relationship. I would have married him too, despite not really feeling it.

 

Basically, if I have not felt it until now, there is little chance that I will feel it in the future. I seem to be wired that way.

 

It's not even "I thought I was in love at the time but now I realize I wasn't". Even "at the time" I conciously thought "I am not really feeling it".

 

Anyone else like this? It really saddens me that I am unable to truly connect with anyone

 

I saw this a long time ago in one of your posts. Ive even asked you questions in some of your posts on the breakup forum to make sure I was correct in my assumptions. It sucks that you haven't experienced it. Its one of the best things and one of the most painful at the same time when its gone.

 

Im sure you will find someone on the same page as you one day.

[Carlos S]

I never have, but I've heard good things *sigh*

 

I'm still in a position where I'm not looking to be in a committed relationship. But actually, I'm also freaked out about letting my walls fall down - opening up and being so vulnerable. I would never want to be in that position until I genuinely felt ready and willing

[tigressA]

I've been in love a few times. It's high risk/high reward. Sucks when it comes to an end, but after every time I've fallen in love and had it fall apart, saying I'll never feel that way again, it of course has happened again. I have little doubt that one day I will fall in love and it will last for however many days I'll have left to live in this body. I'm not looking for it to happen anytime soon, but I'm keeping an open mind.

 

I've had the grand and grave fortune to have men fall in love with me when they had never been in love previously. I tend to attract men who are inexperienced and/or love avoidant--'not knowing' what being in love feels like, or consciously avoiding it. I'm not sure why this happens to me so much. Even the guy I'm currently seeing has admitted to never being in love. Being the first in that way does make me feel special, and when it's good it's great, but it's hell when it doesn't work out. A good example would be the harassment citation I filed against my most recent ex. Sigh.

[jobaba]

 

This is something I believe in and have experienced, and I've experienced different levels and stages of love and based on what you're saying I just don't think you've found someone you can really dive into love with, It wasn't mutual or meant to be...because It's something overwhelming and changes you internally, It shifts the plates of your heart and moves things around, has you question what is reality and fantasy because the line is so thin...sometimes It feels like you are in a dream.

 

I guess this might be another "don't give up post" If that's how you want to look at it, and maybe believing the words of a romantic are a little far fetched for you...but give it a chance and don't try to find it, it will find you.

 

I feel for bad for those who haven't experienced it, I think it would change my perception of life greatly and expectations had I not.

What you guys describe as love to me is the same as lust, emotional feelings caused by adrenaline and hormones where you just need to have that person and nothing in the world will stop you.

 

Yes, I did have those feelings for my most serious GF. I would get starry eyed when I dropped her off at the airport, stare at her when she put on something really nice, and go nuts when I thought of her and another man together. I told her I loved her many times and her to me.

 

In reality, she did not treat me the best and didn't have enough respect for me. Emotional 'love' as you describe it can make you stay and lust for people who are completely wrong for you.

 

I have also had similar feelings for a couple of select women I've gotten to know well who have rejected me. And it's the same emotion. I also don't think it's there or not. It manifests itself in different levels in different relationships.

 

To me, that's not love. My NEW definition of love is trust, understanding, and respect, built over time so that if that person is taken from you, a true bond will be broken. The very same that you would have with a close family member or best friend. Maybe even a dog you have watched grow up since he was a puppy. They're loyal and have always been there for you.

 

THAT is love.

 

 

I am looking for feelings that Ninja described; it's either that or nothing for me. I would much rather be alone than have to force it again.

 

 

All things considered, it'd be nice to have a relationship with a very good, compatible person and the emotional. But if you asked me to choose between a bad relationship with the emotion or an emotionless practical, I'd take the practical relationship in a second.

Edited June 20, 2012 by jobaba

[Carlos S]

I've been in love a few times. It's high risk/high reward. Sucks when it comes to an end, but after every time I've fallen in love and had it fall apart, saying I'll never feel that way again, it of course has happened again. I have little doubt that one day I will fall in love and it will last for however many days I'll have left to live in this body. I'm not looking for it to happen anytime soon, but I'm keeping an open mind.

 

I've had the grand and grave fortune to have men fall in love with me when they had never been in love previously. I tend to attract men who are inexperienced and/or love avoidant--'not knowing' what being in love feels like, or consciously avoiding it. I'm not sure why this happens to me so much. Even the guy I'm currently seeing has admitted to never being in love. Being the first in that way does make me feel special, and when it's good it's great, but it's hell when it doesn't work out. A good example would be the harassment citation I filed against my most recent ex. Sigh.

 

Oh noes

 

Was that the pothead? I hope he didn't leave you scarred