calndn Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 I'll try and be brief. I've had an amazing 5 months with a man, gone away, met friends, met my parents, flowers etc etc 5 months in I ask where I stand ( I'm happy the way things are I just wanted to be exclusive) he told me that pressure scares him and although he likes me and loves spending time with me he can't give me something serious and right now he isn't looking for something serious. He says there's no one else and I trust him, he doesn't believe in sleeping with more than one woman etc. his job is his life however and at the moment it's crazy. So fast forward 4 weeks he's been away and then distant. Last week I ask him what's going on as I haven't seen him since he's been back or heard much from him. He says he will ring over weekend. He then gets in touch on Tuesday with a massively long message saying that what I said scared him. He thought he was ready for a relationship, having come out of a fairly long one last year, but that it's be become evident to him he's not, that he thinks im amazing and loves spending time with me but that it's not fair on me because he can't give me what I want. His life is too crazy for a gf at the minute. He said he didn't want to hurt me or upset me but wanted to be honest as that's what I deserve. I haven't replied I just don't know what to say :-s. I like him a lot I love spending time with him I think he's amazing. I wanted what we had I was happy wi what we had I was just checking he wasn't seeing anyone else(which he isn't). I don't know what to do? Thoughts? And thanks
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 Really? five months to ask where you stand? Well you stood right where you are now...not in a relationship. All the things you did he did out of habit of being in a relationship, don't get it twisted and see it as more, he doesn't want to be in a relationship and a guy after 5 months isn't going to tell you he is scared and all that crap, he's just back-pedaling like all guys do when pressed with a question they don't want to answer and be honest about it...trust me, men know what they want and who they want it with, don't be a fool. You're a good for now kind of girl...he's busy with work, he's got things in life he wants to do, he doesn't want the relationship type girl right now because he doesn't want to invest and get lost in it emotionally....you're a safe girl that he can control his emotional investment with...not someone who pushes his feelings to the brink of surrender. Sorry to tell you all of this, but If you think waiting around is going to get you what you want then you'll likely be waiting a really long time and only because he didn't find anything better and decided he should value your time in the pseudo relationship so maybe you deserve a promotion...but It's not because he's in love with you or see the capacity to, I'm sure he keeps you at an arms length..he may also be in love with his ex and unavailable emotionally. Bottom line it doesn't matter what you want and whether you think he's amazing...he doesn't feel the same way for you, and honestly he wouldn't be that amazing once you got to know who he really is...men play off and keep up a front when around you, especially when emotionally distanced It's how they maintain the fantasy without letting you get to know the real person...when he goes home and the end of the day he doesn't want a relationship with you and he'll use any excuse not to feel guilty and not to hurt you too much, he might respect you and like you, but he definitely doesn't want you realizing that he never wanted anything serious with you, he wants you to see it as an accident, just a two stars flying across the night sky that barely missed each other...but don't cry buttercup, some guy out there will be lucky to have you (it just isn't me) You basically drew a line in the sand and said to him "step over this line if you really care about me and want to be with me" and he just stood there with his head down thinking...I like you and all, but not that much.
Author calndn Posted June 20, 2012 Author Posted June 20, 2012 Thankyou and ninjainpijamas I know all you say is true. Is he even worthy of a reply at all? I don't think so?? X
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 Regardless of what you do...If you go he's just going to try and pull you back in, because you're weak and reliable and he realizes he has power over you (all men do and most men abuse that power they have over you that you give them with your emotions...without that they have no power). You'll either have to walk away (I highly recommend) and not look back (no contact, no emails, no other BS...you'll never get the closure you're looking for)...(don't do the whole...you'll always be special, you're an amazing man, I hope you find the right girl and she'll be lucky that you chose her) don't do any of that crap even IF you feel, just depart and tell him you're not the non-relationship kinda girl and don't turn back because he will try and make promises just because you're resisting, but htose aren't his true feelings and whenever you have to force something with a man it will eventually dissipate and change and he'll blame and resent you for it...because you did it not him. If you insist on talking it out, be ready to be manipulated and sweet talked...and feel "confused"..it's normal and part of a mans process to not make himself look evil and like he really cares more than he does. Ask him questions, deep ones, and get real answers...use your cunning and talk in a calm voice and trick him into giving you all the answers, because he will lie but this might give you the satisfaction you need to walk away. Trying to get back with him and staying in this position and giving him a "chance"...well you're playing the fool with that choice, now you know better....so now you've only got yourself to blame, enjoy getting your heart broken and I hope its worth a few memories...that's If he doesn't cut you off soon anyway and push you away. Don't trust anything this guy says, you'll regret it. He's just trying to save face.
Author calndn Posted June 20, 2012 Author Posted June 20, 2012 I know deep down the best thing is to walk. I just don't know whether to just not say anything and just leave it or say as you said, that I'm not the non relationship type and that's that. Say something or nothing? Either way I'm not sure he would try and pull me back in?? I'd like to think I'm Strong enough not to.
TaraMaiden Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 His reply, in my opinion, is about self-preservation, not damage limitation. He may have been complimentary, but it seems to be all about what he wants, not what you might be needing. So unfortunately there's a high degree of ego and selfishness there, which is a shame, but, sad as it is to say, you have no further need or obligation (as if you ever had!) to feed it. I would recommend you go the 180 and maintain total silence. Complete, immediate No Contact. Responding just validates how important he is. By his own admission, he is incapable of treating you to anything other than a FWB situation. He can't commit, or open up, and that's not your problem, it's his. By playing into his little head-game, though, you share in it, and you really don't deserve to do that to yourself.
exotic_angel Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 gosh ninja ur good!!! cal, i'm sorry i feel your pain..
my body is a cage Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 Really? five months to ask where you stand? You're a good for now kind of girl...he's busy with work, he's got things in life he wants to do, he doesn't want the relationship type girl right now because he doesn't want to invest and get lost in it emotionally....you're a safe girl that he can control his emotional investment with...not someone who pushes his feelings to the brink of surrender. This is the part I don't get though. This makes it seem like its the girls fault when a guy doesn't want to commit, that she failed to compel him to do so... objectively, it seems like the guy must like her because he's spent five months with her, is exclusive, etc. What's the difference between that and an official "girlfriend" really? How did the girl fail to make him want to be her "boyfriend"? (Not criticizing anyone, just genuinely confused...)
Quiet Storm Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 Responding just validates how important he is. Exactly. Don't feed his ego.
Author calndn Posted June 20, 2012 Author Posted June 20, 2012 Thank you everyone Taramaiden I've taken your advice and going to just do no contact. He doesn't deserve a reply it took him weeks of leaving me hanging to say this in the first place so he doesn't deserve me replying saying that I'm upset and that it's a shame etc. I don't want to feed his ego that's for sure. My body is a cage - I agree it was like a relationship he was exclusive to me but I guess we just hadn't labelled it. As soon as I asked him for a label he said it scared him but he wasn't sure why as he knew it would come up at some point. I do think he's being honest in that he's not ready for another relationship. We were a couple we acted like a couple but I guess he's ruined it. Oh well. It's a crap situation to be in because I really liked the guy and things never ever go my way ever. I feel a bit numb. :-(
TaraMaiden Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 Trust me honey, things have just gone your way. you've dodged a heart-ripping bullet, and you now know - for sure, for sure - what you will stand for, and what you won't stand for. Every experience makes you grow, if you let the benefit of it, nourish you and make you a better person. Truly, the fact you even considered answering him, leaves me in no doubt that he really is the bigger loser. In more ways than one. He's an idiot, and he's lost you.
Mattock5656 Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 Hey calndn! I think everyone here has given you excellent advice and I just wanna say that I was in a similar situation like you but my situation was only 2 months in and she went back to her EX. Then I found out later, that her ex didn't want her back and she went to another guy. She did the same stuff, like she wasn't sure and never wanted to be exclusive with me blah blah...(gave excuses..) Told me that I was amazing blah blah and that she wasn't ready for a relationship and she waited to tell me all this towards the end of course... I think ninja hit a home run in his post but in particular of what he said that this guy is truly not that amazing that you make him out to be. They are playing a illusion of your mind and putting on a front and I know first hand of that kind of experience. With this particular girl, I see now how fickle her personality is, selfish etc... Your not alone and I really feel for ya because it is a really is a mind blogging situation. Don't take blame for the situation and know their are great people out there emotionally ready for you. You will look back at this situation and see it for what it really is and grow better as a human being. Much kudos!
Janesays Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 "OK, thanks for letting me know. Have a nice life." Then NOTHING after that.
Recommended Posts