I feel like I'm turning into a NAG!! Married ladies, can you relate?

July 1, 2004

I feel like I have to tell my husband do to everything. I tell him to take out the trash, mow the lawn, pick up after himself (or I do that), but I feel like I'm being a nag and I hate it!

I also have to do the bills too. If I don't then I don't know if I can rely on him to do them.

I get so sick of it. I feel like I am turning into the kind of wife I do not want to be, but If I don't literally say the lawn needs mowing, he won't do it himself. I've even asked to be shown how, but nobody will.

Ladies, do you ever have this prob? WTF am I supposed to do? We have one child, but sometimes I feel like a mother of 2. He's 30 and I'm 25.

I'm getting so frustrated!!!!!!!

July 1, 2004

Sit him down and negotiate. Divide up the chores. Discuss the fairness of your situation. Does he already think he's pulling his weight for some reason?

Tell him exactly what you said here - that you have no wish to be a nag. Ask him how best you two can manage to get the things that need to be done done - what ideas does he have. Do you need to put up a 'chore chart' for you both to tick off? Does he need or want notes as reminders?

It is SO tiresome when people agree to do something and then never do and leave you to either cope or be the reminder bunny. I'm sure you don't expect him to jump exactly when you want things done, but letting the garbage sit until the place stinks ought not be the answer. Nobody likes doing icky stuff (me included) but it's no fair to let the other house inhabitant take up your slack. Then there's resentment all 'round.

Here's a link to Steve Harley's suggestions for how to solve this from marriagebuilders.com

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5045_qa.html

July 1, 2004

I HAVE talked to him about this on numerous occassions. He has always agreed, but I think he has ADHD or something.

All I ask of him to do is :

1. Mow the lawn

2. Take out the trash

3. Clean the cat box

Other than that, I pretty much do everything else. We both work full time, but with only three things that I ask of him.....come on!

My dad suggested I leave a note above the trash can saying "Take me out" but like I told him, wouldn't the abundance of trash tip him off?

OMG I am feeling overwhelmed. I have started nagging, which I hate to do. I think my husband just forgets but I'm starting to get just plain irritated. I don't want to put up a chore list. There is only three things that I ask of him.

I feel like his mother, which I shouldn't. I am a mother, but to only our child, nobody else.

Is this normal behavor of men? Ugh!

July 1, 2004

I HAVE talked to him about this on numerous occassions. He has always agreed, but I think he has ADHD or something.

It's possible and if it's true, then he CANNOT remember these things. That's one of the wretched things about AD/HD. Folks who have it have notoriously bad memories and often cannot hold a thought about carrying something out long enough to do so. Some cannot perform a list of actvities, so if you ask him to do three things, he'll get lost.

with only three things that I ask of him.....come on!

Yes. It seems unreasonable, however if he's AD/HD, it is unreasonable to expect that he will remember.

wouldn't the abundance of trash tip him off?

No. He's probably thinking of something else when he looks at the trash and it doesn't register. I'm not AD/HD but I can see I have a couple of tendencies. I can be like that. I'll see something in the house that needs doing and either it won't register, or else I'll make a mental note to do it but then think of something else and forget.

There's no point in getting mad at him about it. He'd not be that way if he could fix it.

I don't want to put up a chore list

Why? Why not try something that might work? Wanting him to do what you think he should do will only cause you futher irritation if he can't do it. So why not figure out something that will work??????????

Is this normal behavor of men?

Quite often, yes. Read some Dave Barry books for a humourous take on how men act and think. In the meantime, try developing a sense of humour about this. Your anger will NOT help anything. Try the chore list. Don't stick to principle here because it won't win you anything but bad feelings.

July 1, 2004

See I don't fight with him about it, because I know how it is with ADHD, my brother has it too...so I do understand a little...

Yes he is a good husband

I just want some help! I feel also if I put up a chore list it will be another form of nagging or "parenting"him, which I don't want to do.

Maybe tonight I'll ask him what he thinks of a chore list...he may even agree He the more positive one in our family.

I was kinda a nag with my 1st husband, and I don't want to be one with this husband. He has given me a gift nobody has.......my daughter!

I just want to be a good happy wife, not a bad tempered, naggy one.

Thanks for listening.

July 1, 2004

OMG, if you ladies are right about men, then I left my ex for nothing -hahaha, I got rid of one perfectably good marriage material... naaah!!!

July 1, 2004

OMG, if you ladies are right about men, then I left my ex for nothing -hahaha, I got rid of one perfectably good marriage material... naaah!!!

Curly,

What do you mean about that? curious.

July 1, 2004

Maybe tonight I'll ask him what he thinks of a chore list...he may even agree He the more positive one in our family.

Sure - or ask him what he thinks would help. That way, you are not always being the one who solves the problem or comes up with the ideas. That doesn't help and if he's AD/HD, he already feels inadequate about that sort of thing so getting him to work with you as a team to solve the problem will be a nicer way to go about it. Actually, ideally, that's how couples should solve such problems, anyhoo.

Good luck with it!

July 1, 2004

I had a four year and a half relationship with my ex. From the beginning, as we lived very close to one another he was practically at my place most of the time. Anyway, at some point, we moved in together.

He would not do a thing without me telling him 3 times at least. I was a student, I was volunteering, I was applying for international projects constantly and yet, I was the one cooking and cleaning and doing the rest of them chores.

I mean, imagine my mom coming over to our place, offering to help me take in the lingery and him sitting calmly not moving one finger.

And I was trying to mobilize him, to push him, to tell him, but my programme was so irregular that it seemed easier if I'd do it then to ask him to do it. At the time, I thought he didn't realise it, now I know he was doing it on purpose (I guess he was used to being served, the only boy in the house, etc). I'm not saying he wouldn't once every two month cook. Or take the garbage out without me telling him to - which would automatically turn him into a hero for the next 2 weeks. IT just isn't enough. This was not how I wanted to live my life and he was not willing to change.

I did not iron any of his shirts (he worked at a bank) and he'd take care of his own clothes, but still... Did I mention he was constantly "tired", no matter if I asked him to ... make me something to eat during my exams (I was always the one to cook)? I think I asked him twice or three times in 4 years, after each time arguing seriously!!! I was the one wanting more, demanding more, doing more and I tell you, after some time you get so sick and tired of it you can't believe it!

I sure hope not all men are like that. I hope they are more willing to listen, more inclined to care, not only to exploit their partner. For this is what I expect, a partner, not a master. I am bitter, I know . I don't like it much...

At least now, after the rather sour experience, I can immediately detect such a situation and I'd know how to handle it, should I ever trust another man enough to move in with him (to tell you the truth,I find this not appealing at all, must have developped an "allergy" of some sort ).

July 1, 2004

He just came by my office (yes I'm at work) and he said "sometimes I just forget, but if you want you can just pull the bag out and set it by the door" So I think I'll try that.

I also told him I wish that he would take more control around the house. I know I have seen some posts where the man controls too much, but my man controls almost too little.

I just don't want to start controlling too much , or being the one wearing the pants in the family, so to speak.

He always says okay, but then...................

I just have to learn a little more patience I guess. I went from an ex that was too controling to a husband that is less....I should be extactic right?

It's nice though whenever I want to go out I don't have to deal with the "what time are you going to be home" and then worrying about the time. My gf (who is presently married to my ex H) has a curfew which sucks, because I don't and I know exactly what she is going through. I try not to say anything because, after all, I am the ex wife and I don't want to mess with my friendship with her. It's just highly irritating...

Okay I'm jumping from one subject to the next....

July 1, 2004

Supermom - It does sound like your husband is lazy and is taking advantage of you. It also sounds like he's pretty immature and has come to count on you to remind (nag) him to do things. Or perhaps he's hoping that maybe you'll get tired of asking him and just do it yourself.

If you think he might have ADHD, have you ever suggested that he get counseling or see a doctor for medication? That would seem the logical next step.

July 1, 2004

I prefer not to jump to conclusions that someone is lazy or taking advantage without first exploring other possibilities. It is unfair to people to assume the worst of them, particularly if you have made the choice to marry them.

Curly, it sounds as though your guy was more a problem; not that he forgot to do things but that he just would not do them; totally other story. However, until you have determined there is no other possible reason for someone's behaviour, I am totally against assuming that the person is mean, inconsiderate, lazy, etc. etc.

We don't help anyone, nor are we at all loving, if we rush to assume ill of them.

As for diagnosing and medicating AD/HD, it's generally only necessary if the condition creates significant disruption or problems in someone's life. So far, the guy is holding down a job and sounds to be managing well in the rest of his life. Plenty of people with AD/HD manage to sort out their own accommodations and live quite happily without either meds or counselling. It's only those who are not managing well who need to take further steps. If putting the trash by the door solves the problem, then all's well.

July 2, 2004

I can tell you from the start where I was wrong: I was not ferm enough. I would assume the easy part, that he didn't hear, that he'll do it later, that he'll do it in his own time. But we were living in a tiny appartment, taking out the garbage was a matter of making a couple of steps. No big deal. Still, he would not do it.

In my case there were a lot of other red flags that I chose to ignore by assuming the best scenario. IT is wrong. I am not saying she should think ill of her hubby there, I'm sure he doesn't mean it, but this musn't be an occasion for him to get away with it. Don't let this one go.

MAke lists, write him emails and stop feeling embarassed about trying to make it work. The funny thing is that, in the end, it's not such a big a deal! But with a child on your hands and working full time, every second of free time will become increasingly important. Maybe he just doesn't realize it.

And I am sure he's got lots of other qualities to compensate, too .

All I'm trying to say is to keep an eye on this and to set some rules. IF you'll ever decide to have a bigger family, they'll come in very handy. Plus, imagine, you'll have a subject less to argue about. So I say you see to it.

July 2, 2004

Supermom - It does sound like your husband is lazy and is taking advantage of you. It also sounds like he's pretty immature and has come to count on you to remind (nag) him to do things.

I don't really think he is lazy because when I do ask him he does it pretty much right away.....I just think he is forgetful.

We live in Arizona and it is so hot here. I know he works in the sun all day so I do have to consider that....but

I'm going to try to do his suggestions. If he doesn't follow through on his end then I will start getting a bit more upset.

I just want to not have to remind him though...that would be soooo nice!

July 2, 2004

If he doesn't follow through on his end then I will start getting a bit more upset.

Or how's about trying a different solution. You can always go back to him and say 'this didn't work - now what do you suggest'. Why are people so eager to get to anger and blaming? If you try to solve problems as a team, it helps you both appreciate each other more.

I just want to not have to remind him though...that would be soooo nice!

Well, if he actually is AD/HD, you might as well wish that his eyes weren't blue (or brown or whatever) or that he had three legs. So if it's the case, you'll need to change your expectations.

July 2, 2004

moi is right, if in fact he has AD/HD. But then that means that most men suffer from the damned disorder!

I say be more ferm, more energetic, and solve this issue once and for all, so that it won't eat you up inside.

Look at it that way: "He loves you, he lives with you, so he won't have any other alternative, but to do as you say!"

July 2, 2004

You said you thought maybe he had AD/HD... are there any other symptoms? Just wondering...

As someone who has ADD, I know all too well how quickly people jump on me saying I am just lazy, I am distracted! Not lazy, if I was lazy I wouldn't be doing anything... anything I do is a study in multi-tasking, I never really finish anything but I start about 100 projects a day. *giggle*

That said I have the same problem with my husband, and with him it's not ADD it's testosterone. He is an old fashioned kind of guy, he brings home the paycheck and his work is done for the family. That’s it. I’ve been waiting for 6 months for shelves, I am about ready to get the saw out and do it myself. Only I am terrified of power tools (see above attention deficit makes sense don’t it???)

It’s 2:30 AM, I am tired, but suffering from insomnia again… so may I rant… Thank You.

I was explaining this to my daughter the other day while she was helping me clean and son was watching Scooby Doo, and ignoring our pleas for help. I explained to her that it seems that you must have boobies to clean. She got all embarrassed and covered up her blossoming cleaning enhancers. Mom, why would you say that? I named off all of the men in our life, and do any of them clean? No she says… and who does, she named off the women in our family. And what do we have that they don’t? She looks at her chest… Boobies?

Her eyebrows lifted about then, and she says That’s Why (our flat chested friend’s) house is always a mess…

Forgive me guys… moderators will delete me for sure. Lol… but it’s just a theory.

July 2, 2004

Question: Is his father like this? Have you conferred with his mother about how your hubby's father is? About your hubby having ADHD?

When my husband and I first got married we were 21 (we don't have any kids) and he used to get out of his clothes and leave them by the bed - I hated it because the laundry hamper was not even 4 steps from our bed. I got tired of picking up his stuff and so one day I just went on strike - I left his clothes on the side of the bed or shower or wherever he left them for almost 2-1/2 weeks (and it drove me NUTS - I wanted to pull my hair out, but I stood my ground) When I did laundry I only washed the items that were in the laundry hamper- which did not include his clothes because they were everywhere but in the hamper. One morning he came to me and said didn't you do laundry yesterday - I answered yes, he said did you put the clothes away, I said yes he said what did you do with my clothes - my sock, my underwear - did you hide them? I answered no - he said well I only have 1 pair of socks and 1 pair of boxers left and I said well I washed everythng that was in the hamper I don't know what to tell you. He said well there's underwear right here by the bed did you miss these? I said No I didn't miss anything, they weren't in the hamper so I wasn't sure how you were classifying them so I left them there until you decided to put them in the dirty clothes hamper to be washed. He said well what about the stuff in the bathroom - I said look I don't wear your clothes so I guess you should figure out where you left your stuff and get them in the hamper so they can be washed. Because I am not your maid, it's not my job to walk behind you picking up your dirty clothes and if I can put my stuff in the hamper I don't see why you can't. Furthermore, from now on anything not put in the hamper will not be washed and may be subject to being thrown away because things left on the floor either are vacuumed or tossed in the garbage. Oh don't get me wrong he was pissed off - but after cursing, slamming things, washing his own clothes for a week - he made sure to get his stuff in the hamper after that.

Here's an idea - One Saturday morning BRIGHT AND EARLY - I would hand him your child and a note that reads:

[color=darkred][font=times new roman]I AM OFFICIALLY ON STRIKE - in the note tell him that you are overwhelmed with all that you do and the lack of support you are getting and need to go away to get some peace of mind. Tell him that you love him but feel that it's not reciprocated because his lack of attention to you and his responsibilities to your home are neglected and you don't feel appreciated. Tell him when you return you are going to have to discuss how to make some changes to benefit EVERYONE who lives in the home or.......................... (and that's for you to decide).[/font][/color]

Good luck!

July 2, 2004

I say you make a thesis out of it and we'll help with the study cases! This is Nobel material- and hopefully not for literature, but for science!!!

July 2, 2004

Girls, I'm in PAris, home of all mothers of strikes, but I'm telling you, this has [color=green]potential[/color]. I say we all go on strike and redefine the liberation movement!

And only to make our point better, I say we do it during the world football competition!!!!

July 2, 2004

You may have some buried anger or frustration taken out in form of "nagging" demands or orders. You need to honestly dig deep into yourself and see for your own good what is the real driving force behind it. There is obviously something bulit in your system either you are not fully aware of it or, may be, you may not have enough guts to face it. Never brush the dirt under the rug. It will disappear only from your eyes but will remain there forever untill you decide to do something about it. Hope I'm wrong in my assumption though.

July 2, 2004

You may have some buried anger or frustration taken out in form of "nagging" demands or orders. You need to honestly dig deep into yourself and see for your own good what is the real driving force behind it. There is obviously something bulit in your system either you are not fully aware of it or, may be, you may not have enough guts to face it. Never brush the dirt under the rug. It will disappear only from your eyes but will remain there forever untill you decide to do something about it. Hope I'm wrong in my assumption though.

Good Point Sami - Maybe she's reminded of what her mom did for her dad and maybe subconsciously she hated it and vowed that her marriage wouldn't be like that - good point. I know that I had a lot of that with regard to my own marriage but I wasn't subconsciouc - I told my husband all of the things my Dad did that I hated and told him I didn't want to be like my Mom or that "kind" of wife. Luckily he listened, I guess I should have mentioned the put the dirty clothes in the hamper thing too.

July 2, 2004

Originally posted by moimeme
I prefer not to jump to conclusions that someone is lazy or taking advantage without first exploring other possibilities.

That's true. And I told her what it sounded like to me, based on her first post. I was not making a diagnosis. It will take a professional to make that diagnosis, not one of us. I also don't think it is fair to jump to the conclusion that it is AD/HD until it's been properly diagnosed by a doctor. That's all.

As for diagnosing and medicating AD/HD, it's generally only necessary if the condition creates significant disruption or problems in someone's life.

I'm sorry, I have to disagree. It's not up to individuals to diagnose themselves. Isn't that the same as "jumping to conclusions" or blaming the problem this woman is having with her husband on a condition that he may or may not have? I mean, if he seriously cannot remember things, it sounds like there should be something they can do about it other than throw up their hands and say, "Oh well, he must have AD/HD so I can't expect him to remember things that need to be done." She said she is feeling overwhelmed and tired of nagging. To me, that sounds like it's becoming a significant problem. It couldn't hurt to have it checked out by a doctor, and if his/her opinion is that he doesn't have AD/HD (or even if he does), some counseling may help them sort things out.

Plenty of people with AD/HD manage to sort out their own accommodations and live quite happily without either meds or counselling. It's only those who are not managing well who need to take further steps.

It sounds like she's tried various methods and he is not able to "manage well." I don't think she would have come here otherwise.

Supermom - I'm sorry you're feeling overwhelmed. It sounds like you are having to take on the bulk of the responsibility for the household and work full-time. It's my opinion, and I'm sure most women would agree with me, that your husband should be willing to share the responsibility of the household...bill paying, chores, your child. If he's a grown man, it shouldn't be that difficult for him to see that his own yard needs to be mowed or that the trash is overflowing. I can see not remembering to pay bills or other non-tangible things that people can forget, but when it's staring you in the face, I can see where that could get very frustrating for you.

Good luck with working out a solution.

July 2, 2004

Maybe she's reminded of what her mom did for her dad and maybe subconsciously she hated it and vowed that her marriage wouldn't be like that - good point.

My mom divorced my dad when I was 5 but not for any of those reasons.

I just feel like a 30 yr old man should not be "mothered" by me. He does help with our child and if I don't put something in the crock pot he usually does make something for dinner, even if it's top ramen, mac & cheese, and a piece of bread which makes me kinda laugh because that's like something a bachelor would make, but I like the effort.

It's just the other things, like the lawn, see maybe I'm a little more anal because I am a Site Manager for a Property Management Company, and so our yards and everything has to be perfect. Now, I don't care that my yard is always perfect, but when it's obvious, then I start to get irritated.

The trash - how hard is it to see that it needs taken out?

Cat box: We only have one bathroom, so when I have to smell it, doesn't he smell it? He should know to take it out.

All I really ask of him:

Trash

Cat Box

Mowing

I just hope maybe he grows up a bit. I'm getting frustrated!

July 2, 2004

I feel good that there is someone who knows exactly what I'm talking about. Sharing our opinions on this forum gives me personally great pleasure. I honestly feel I have good friends I relate to and I can easily communicate with. Thanks alot to all of the LV senior and new memebers.

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I feel like I'm turning into a NAG!! Married ladies, can you relate?

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