My BIGGEST Regret

[hopelessly]

I was only about 18 when we met and he was 26. 'J' was a friend of an ex of mine, which made things a little wrong to begin with.

I don't want to ramble on about our relationship. I'll just say it was the most passionate, esteem-building relationship I have ever been in. It still is even now, 2 and a half years later. No one has ever made me feel better about myself, or shown me more affection then J did.

But there was a storm cloud hovering over our happiness because the relationship was based on drugs and alcohol....We were unable to realize how consumed we were from the beginning, and it wasn't with eachother, as we so wanted it to be.

 

I had just graduated highschool with honors (despite the abusive relationship I was in at that time), and had plans to go to college. J had an extensive criminal history, a deadend job, and a daughter who was substantially older. She was 8 when I was 19. He rarely saw his daughter, which bothered me.

 

J would never introduce me to his family. He said it was because they were too judgemental. I felt like he didn't want his family to judge him harshly because of who I was or how I looked. I felt like I wasn't good enough to meet his family, this bothered me.

 

I don't remember much about the time we were together because every night I would get pass out drunk just to fall asleep, but I will be honest about the parts I do remember...the only thing we ever really fought about was that I didn't have a job.

 

All of a sudden, J didn't want to be around me or talk to me like he did before. I didn't understand why or what I had done to make him stop loving me. I was only thinking about myself. He didn't break up with me, just slowly tapered off contact.

At first, he would lie about his phone dying or breaking...I knew he was lying. But towards the end there was anger, he would scream at me to stop calling him. He called me names if I blew up his phone trying to talk to him. I tried to make him do what I wanted him to do: to love me the way I wanted to be loved, the way he had loved me just a week before. The more I tried to make him do what I wanted, the angrier he got and he started to resent me, and I him.

 

Things changed from there and they have never been the same since...I have never been the same since things changed. I have never, and probably will never, feel like that about anyone ever again in my whole life.

 

Like I said, I will be honest as far as what I do remember...I sought out the attention I thought I needed online. I found someone I thought was so much better than J. It made me feel good to have the attention and power back in my life again.

 

But the problem was, I didn't want that attention from online guy...I wanted that attention from J, the man I still loved deeply in my heart and soul.

I ended up telling J the truth after things had gotten physical with online guy one day. I figured I had nothing to lose since J didn't love me anymore anyway, right? Maybe this was my last egotistical plea for J's affection: if he didn't do what I wanted I would find another man who would, that would motivate J to love me, right?

 

Nope, i learned the hardest way that not only is the grass not greener on the other side of the fence, but there isn't even grass over here, just BS!

 

If anyone is ever wondering why people cheat, there's my pathetic answer for why I did......

 

I lost the best thing that ever happened to me. It has been 2 and a half years now and I have lost hope that I will ever find love like that again and it is obvious J has moved on with someone new. If I ever did find love I'd be too paranoid for karma to come kick me down to love truly. My whole outlook on life has changed. I used to dream of marriage and children and growing old with someone. Now I just compare every guy to J, and no one matches up. All the things I complained about like time and money, and all the flaws that bothered me about him have escaped me now.

 

I don't really have dreams now. I completed college since we broke up and have a great job, family and friends that help to take my mind off the hurtful things I have done.

If I could say one thing to J, if he would talk to me, I would tell him I am so very, very sorry for the way I hurt you. I was too self-absorbed and drunk to even really understand the weight of what I was doing to another person. I only thought about myself and what I wanted at the time, in that moment. I would tell him I only love you and you're still the only one, and it's ok that you don't love me back, I know I don't deserve it. I love you enough to know that I can't make you happy because you can't trust me, and there's no way I can make things right. I just wish I could have one more really good hug from you, I would be so happy.

I have grown up enough to put others first. I have learned to love my family and tell them I'm thankful for their love every day. I try to be more understanding and supportive and less judgemental every day. I do my best to be less dramatic and more logical and in control, to have control over my emotions. You taught me these things and these lessons are the only kind of 'closure' I can hope for. Cause God knows I don't deserve it from you...

 

Thanks for reading, I'd love some input! Feel free to be honest!

 

Has anyone else been out of a relationship as long as I have and still feels the same? Did you ever find someone new? How long did it take?

 

Has anyone actually been the cheater like me and learned a lesson? what was the lesson? What about cheatee's lessons if any?

 

Has anyone repaired a relationship that was ended due to cheating? How did that go?

[AlexanderJames]

Good on you for admitting you made a mistake. Everyone does its part of being human. Dont use alcohol as an excuse for anything though, ever. It means more to hear someone has come to terms with what they did and take responsability.

 

I've been cheated on twice, and learned a couple of lessons on the way. Mainly that when someones unfaithful in a relationship, its time to close the book on that chapter for good.

No regrets, just lessons learned

Good luck with everything, you'll find hapiness dont worry. And as for karma, you might not have told him how sorry you are yourself, but you are truly sorry, and you've felt the pain and harship that has come with what happened. You are even with karma.

[hopelessly]

Thank you for your reply AlexanderJames!

 

I completely understand what you mean about not using alcohol as an excuse. I don't blame any of the problems I created on anything other then my own choices, but I did stop drinking in excess after we broke up!

 

Have you ever seen or heard of or been in a relationship where the couple stayed together and tried to make it work after infidelity? Did it work?

 

I have known of one married couple who were able to continue a GOOD relationship (with counseling) after the wife had had an affair. It worked out and they are still together 4 years later with 2 babies and are happier than ever before in the relationship...

[AlexanderJames]

That's okay

 

Well I got back with a girl who cheated on me and it was very difficult. Lots of fighting and very little trust. Eventually we went our separate ways.

 

My advice to you is to think long and hard about what happened and why. The relationship obviously wasn't picture perfect if you succum to temptation.

Don't be hard on yourself. Just remember that for whatever reason, no matter how unfortunate, you two didn't work. You'll find happiness again I promise.

Until then live for you and discover more about yourself and your own life opportunities

[soju]

Wow your story is the same exact thing as mine, besides the drugs and alcohol. Same age gap and everything, I would love to hear more details about what you went through post breakup. I'm 6 months post breakup, and my ex still feeds me all these breadcrumbs, saying she loves me, misses me, needs me, but her close friends are telling me all these guys she is sleeping around with, which is not like her. But anyways what made you finally realize that you still loved "j"? Did you go crazy like my ex also? I feel like alot of the reasons people do this is because of their age and outside peer pressure from new friends.

[hopelessly]

Well I feel like I probably would have never known how much I really love J if he wouldn't have cut me off. I did go crazy. All my friends were freaked out by how psycho I acted. After we broke up I would cry everytime I talked to him on the phone. I tried to make him love me, in vain because I had already broken his heart past the point of repair. It's very bittersweet because I do still want to be with him and I haven't been with anyone since (2 1/2 years).

 

I would say give her another chance, but only if your heart is not broken past the point of repair, and you both still want to be together, and are both willing to research and follow thru with what it takes to repair a relationship damaged by infidelity. You would have to forgive her, and she would have to accept that you can't trust her until she earns it back, but it will never be the same.

 

I don't know about her sleeping around tho, that seems to contradict her wanting to be with you. But from my point of view, she was probably left with a void or empty, lonely feeling after you guys broke up. She may be trying to fill your space with anyone who will have her. It won't work because only YOUR love and forgiveness can fill up that void for her. Trust me, she feels VERY bad for hurting someone she loves and can't just move and and forget about it, unless she is a psycho path.

Maybe instead of trying to repair the relationship, you could try starting over from scratch?

I hope this helped you and thanks for reading my story!

[Jaded82]

Thanks for posting this story, hopelessly.

 

Being on the receiving end of this, it's good to have some insight into the reasons someone may behave in this way. I was starting to think my ex was completely unfeeling and heartless, the fact that it's most likely a coping mechanism makes it slightly easier to digest.

 

This story has given me a mental boost to continue moving on emotionally from what was a destructive relationship, and gives me hope for something better.

 

Your honesty is admirable.