SJC2008 Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 On the ride back on our second date during convo it steers toward her saying you gotta be hard. I asked her hard in general or?? And she says at work, in relatinships then says "You're too nice". Of course it pissed me off but I played it cool. I kissed her before getting out. Nothing crazy, a nice single smooch. We had a good time, talked, laughed. She texted me afterward saying thanks so I guess she's still interesed. Why would she say this? I've never done anything doormaty or needy with her at all. I don't maintain daily contact with her. I flirt with her, nothing over the top but some sexaul flirting.She always texts/calls me back and is not a game player. On our second date I progressed phisically, puting my arm around her for a sec and rubing her back when I take it down and the kiss that I mentioned. I've been normal, not a people pleaser or done anything out of the ordinary to garner her saying that IMO. I have showed no fear or whatever the hell you want to call it. She seems somewhat bitter/gaured IMO. But I was like what the hell did I do to garner her saing you're too nice?? More of a rant than anything but can anyone her think of a reason for her to say that??
USMCHokie Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 Words have meaning, and they can have different meanings to different people, especially if those meanings are shaped by past experiences. Perhaps she's never experienced a gentleman? Or someone who treats her with some modicum of respect? Who the hell knows. I wouldn't take much stock in it and just chalk it up to her own experiences and expectations. The key is that you felt like you were in complete control of everything you did and felt good about all of it. If she can't handle it, that's her problem. Don't doubt what you believe to be good traits in a man just because she might not have ever seen good traits in a man.
Woggle Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 I would say just stop dealing with her. Women who don't like men who are too nice are usually trainwrecks who are more drama than they are worth. 5
Emilia Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 This has nothing to do with that. OP, she senses a passiveness in you that she doesn't admire - and it must be pretty blatant for her to be talking about it already on only the 2nd date. Passive guys don't come off as strong and confident and a lot of women just don't find that very appealing. I know I don't. For her to have already formulated this opinon after only 2 dates does not bode well for you - whether you 'smooched' her on the 2nd date or not (ugh - guys don't use the word 'smooch' - lose it from your vocabulary). That's why she spoke up and said you need to be 'harder' (or more aggressive), because you're not coming off as a strong, confident male. Alot of women don't find passiveness appealing, OP. Isn't that the same as wanting a man to be more sexually aggressive?
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 (edited) You just kind of sit there in the grey area it seems like, and there seems to be other males a little more aggressive and territorial than you at work..maybe she sees them crossing boundaries with you and with her you just aren't in control and aggressive enough...maybe she feels as though she's just waiting for you to make a move...some girls make statements and when you ask them they respond "I don't know...you're just not hard enough, I don't know" and you've got to able to decipher that and see what she means or even If it means something entirely about your personality, maybe she's not feeling it. At any rate, the worst thing you can do is become defensive and angry, don't let it get to you. Just really think about your demeanor around other men and with her, are you taking this in a direction and in control? or are you just acting like a good buddy or friend?...women want and some expect a lot out of guys especially after being with more aggressive type guys...I think she's saying for you that you've got to step it up and become more manly...your whole vibe and demeanor is just push-over like...maybe you're just a friendly nice guy that's not a dick...but it seems you're going to get friendzoned...pick up and start to gain her interest If possible or just let it go and don't react to it. When you're too nice of a guy, women just see that as boring and predictable and generally too passive. I think you should accept this challenge for as a learning experience I mean hell, at least she's telling you what she wants right? rather than just walking away and you wondering why and wanting to know...I'd step it up If I were you...and remember some women want to be dominated to a degree (with respect but just very aggressive sexual behavior), it makes them feel feminine and makes them see you more masculine like which is a turn on for them...If you're not ready for this or unsure you can walk away, maybe she'll get to know you and all that, but I'd say you gotta try, show her there's more to you without going to an extreme. Try stepping it up and turning on the heat and aggressiveness with her. Edited June 20, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas 1
Algermas Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 With women you need to assert complete dominance very quickly, they do not respect nice behavior in fact they are utterly repulsed by it.
USMCHokie Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 Hmmm...I'm starting to agree with some of the other posters...like I said before, we all have different meanings for different things, and perhaps what you label as gentlemanly behavior is actually a bit more passive than you think...
dasein Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 Red flag, people who feel the need to make negative character assessments of those they don't know that well, especially on a second date, will keep doing it. Too much unwarranted scrutiny of you at this point. Move on to options who don't behave that way. 1
truth_seeker Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 On the ride back on our second date during convo it steers toward her saying you gotta be hard. I asked her hard in general or?? And she says at work, in relatinships then says "You're too nice". Of course it pissed me off but I played it cool. I kissed her before getting out. Nothing crazy, a nice single smooch. We had a good time, talked, laughed. She texted me afterward saying thanks so I guess she's still interesed. Why would she say this? I've never done anything doormaty or needy with her at all. I don't maintain daily contact with her. I flirt with her, nothing over the top but some sexaul flirting.She always texts/calls me back and is not a game player. On our second date I progressed phisically, puting my arm around her for a sec and rubing her back when I take it down and the kiss that I mentioned. I've been normal, not a people pleaser or done anything out of the ordinary to garner her saying that IMO. I have showed no fear or whatever the hell you want to call it. She seems somewhat bitter/gaured IMO. But I was like what the hell did I do to garner her saing you're too nice?? More of a rant than anything but can anyone her think of a reason for her to say that?? She likes you but wants you to step it up before she loses interest in you. I recommend sex outdoors for the third date.
AD1980 Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 Be who you are dude and find a women who accepts you.. Im kind of a laid back guy its just my demeanor and im not gonna change for a women because she wants to be dominated or have the guy lead while she takes a back seat.. Seems like women hav ea narrow view of how a man should be and act and if you dont fit in that stereotypical description of some alpha male women are turned off 2
Author SJC2008 Posted June 20, 2012 Author Posted June 20, 2012 I don't work with her. My demeanor around other men is normal, I even made a comment that the service wasn't the greatest when we ate. Like I said I flirt with her. I did nothing nice/pushover. We were bowling and she got 2 gutter balls in a row and I teased her "you k know I'm paying for this right" a nice guy wouldn't do that. She put her shoes on the bar and I was like "why'd you put your shoes up there?" and she took them down. That's why I felt it came out of left field. Women??
Emilia Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 I don't work with her. My demeanor around other men is normal, I even made a comment that the service wasn't the greatest when we ate. Like I said I flirt with her. I did nothing nice/pushover. We were bowling and she got 2 gutter balls in a row and I teased her "you k know I'm paying for this right" a nice guy wouldn't do that. She put her shoes on the bar and I was like "why'd you put your shoes up there?" and she took them down. That's why I felt it came out of left field. Women?? Huh? Nothing to do with gender, it's about social skills. First of all, don't tell an adult off especially when you are getting to know them. You may not like that she put the shoes on the bar but you should have let that slide, you are not her father. Secondly the tease example is schoolboy stuff. How old are you?
fortyninethousand322 Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 Huh? Nothing to do with gender, it's about social skills. First of all, don't tell an adult off especially when you are getting to know them. You may not like that she put the shoes on the bar but you should have let that slide, you are not her father. Secondly the tease example is schoolboy stuff. How old are you? No one is ever too old for schoolboy stuff.
FitChick Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 What was the context of the conversation before she commented?
SteveC80 Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 You must be new to this dating stufff.Women want to be dominated in a way it makes them feel secure weirdly enough They want a father figure except with sex,ifa women doesnt fele i nsome way you are better then her she loses interest
luvinthesun Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 I'm not sure. Possibly she meant she wanted u to be more aggressive with her - physically and make MORE moves? eek- idonno
Ninja'sHusband Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 I learned to completely ignore women who go for "bad boys" and not let it get to me. It usually gets them into trouble and you don't need someone who is looking for that. I agree with the idea of being who you are. You can find someone who likes that. I was shocked and amazed when I found my wife, and she liked me for who I am. She didn't need a "bad boy". We dated for 4 years, married for 14.
Quiet Storm Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 I agree with the posters that say she wants you to be more sexually aggressive and dominant. I know that men get conflicting signals & it's confusing, but all women are not alike. There are some women that would be offended & feel disrespected if you are sexually aggressive too soon. However, there are some women that get very annoyed by the passive type who sheepishly ask "Is this okay?" before every step around the bases. I think the nice comment means that you are with the second type of woman. It doesn't mean that she's screwed up or a bad risk. If she accepts or is drawn to horrible treatment or abuse, I would agree. But dominance is very sexy in a man and women who like it are not all bad prospects. I would do things to show dominance. Plan the dates without her input. Be physical with her, stand close, let her feel your breath on her neck. Be bold with your kisses. Walk & move with purpose. Speak your mind. If she says things you don't agree with, tell her so and debate her, without backing down. If she does something that seems fake or phony, call her out on her BS. Women sometimes play as if they don't want to be challenged, but some of them do. The men that cater to her will lose her interest, but the men that don't will challenge and intrigue her.
MrCastle Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 From what you said; it seems like you did everything right. She may just be looking for a reason to cut you loose and saying "you're too nice" is easier than saying "I'm not attracted to you" I would give her one more date and gauge her interest level. If she acts the same as she did this past date/says something similar to what she said, I would cut my loses.
AD1980 Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 I agree with the posters that say she wants you to be more sexually aggressive and dominant. I know that men get conflicting signals & it's confusing, but all women are not alike. There are some women that would be offended & feel disrespected if you are sexually aggressive too soon. However, there are some women that get very annoyed by the passive type who sheepishly ask "Is this okay?" before every step around the bases. I think the nice comment means that you are with the second type of woman. It doesn't mean that she's screwed up or a bad risk. If she accepts or is drawn to horrible treatment or abuse, I would agree. But dominance is very sexy in a man and women who like it are not all bad prospects. I would do things to show dominance. Plan the dates without her input. Be physical with her, stand close, let her feel your breath on her neck. Be bold with your kisses. Walk & move with purpose. Speak your mind. If she says things you don't agree with, tell her so and debate her, without backing down. If she does something that seems fake or phony, call her out on her BS. Women sometimes play as if they don't want to be challenged, but some of them do. The men that cater to her will lose her interest, but the men that don't will challenge and intrigue her. Why would any grown up want to be dominated?
gaius Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 She made one small comment and it bothered you enough to chew on it and post here. That's not very hard, it's more of a nice guy attitude. Even if we put up fronts women can often see past them.
fishtaco Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 Yes, agree that it's a giant red flag. I also agree with Emilia, she wants you to be more sexually aggressive. But if she already said you're too nice, it may be too late for you to crank it up. Basically in this situation, you already lost. So if she still is interested in going on dates with you, then go for sex. You are on your way out anyway, might as well try something. Also, it means she's not date-able. So really the only value she brings to the table, is sex. Again, go for sex. Or alternately you can just bail out because sometimes sex with psycho women is not worth it. But being that she is one, once you bail out she's probably going to get all interested. This is an excellent lesson in dealing with women. Be aggressive but not offensive. As a man, it's your duty to go for it. I've learned to not be a gentleman and push for it. The result is, I get sex fairly early. But I also don't go into jerk land. If she says no, I won't harass her. But because I don't harass, I lose the women that like to play the "my lips say no but my eyes say yes" game. During a debriefing after one of my attempts to date those bimbos I like so much (it's my weakness, but I'm trying to change), I got the "you're too nice" talk too. She said, well, I don't remember exactly, but referring to an earlier incident, something to the effect that I should have just grabbed her and made her give me a blowjob, and this is after she told me no to sex. What can I say, maybe I'm wrong to do so, but I respect the "no" that women tell me. Even after that experience, I still will not do the harassment thing. That's past my threshold. So I'll be aggressive and push for it, but I will not offend. I take no as a no. That's where I draw the line. And I recommend all men to do the same... be aggressive but do not offend. 1
Quiet Storm Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 Why would any grown up want to be dominated? I'm not talking about the woman being totally submissive to a man, but a man that is naturally in control of things & is comfortable with that. I think that a lot of women see themselves as tough & strong, and they want their man to have similar traits. If their man defers to them or avoids conflict, they lose respect for him. It is hard to love a man that you don't respect. It's sexy when a man stands up for himself and his beliefs. Many women like when a man knows what he wants and goes for it. For me, and other women, trepidation and indeciveness just don't inspire that raw sexual attraction that can really bond us to a man.
Feelsgoodman Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 I agree with the posters that say she wants you to be more sexually aggressive and dominant. Problem is, if you and other posters are wrong about this, the OP could end up getting arrested and charged. Given the prevalence bogus sexual assault allegations (statistics show that 30-40% of all sexual assault allegations are false), being sexually aggressive with a woman you don't know very well is very risky.
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