fortyninethousand322 Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 In another thread, I expressed a desire for a situation another poster referred to as a "surrogate girlfriend". This is a situation in which you are "seeing" a girl socially (dinner, movies, ball games, etc.) but not technically dating. Other people may or may not think you're a couple, but from the woman's point of view the situation is totally platonic. Assuming this is what both parties actually want (socializing, no sex with each other ever, etc.) is there any harm? Or is it inevitable that signals would get crossed or feelings hurt? Lastly, how does one actually get into one of these "relationships"? Link to post Share on other sites
Leopard Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 I thought that was called friendship? Link to post Share on other sites
Cracker Jack Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 Would you really be happy with something like this? Pretty sure all you'd need to do is become friends with a woman and go from there. Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 My first extended experience with a girl was exactly this, and it lasted for about 3 months before I realized what was happening and pulled the plug. It was like the exact opposite of friends with benefits...it was a full-fledged relationship...with absolutely nothing physical... It definitely helped to shape how f*cked up my dating mentality is now... Link to post Share on other sites
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted June 20, 2012 Author Share Posted June 20, 2012 I thought that was called friendship? Could be. But a bit more intimate I guess. Like I've never gone to a movie one on one with a friend before. Or a concert, or a ball game. I guess we could call it "almost dating". Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 Danielle was my surrogate girlfriend. Look how that turned out...... Link to post Share on other sites
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted June 20, 2012 Author Share Posted June 20, 2012 Would you really be happy with something like this? I think I could. I've realized over the past few months my sex drive is so low it's almost non existent. I mean I like women, but I'm not overly interested in sex or sex like activities. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted June 20, 2012 Author Share Posted June 20, 2012 Danielle was my surrogate girlfriend. Look how that turned out...... Yes. But you didn't want that to be the extent of your interaction. This thread assumes that this is what both parties would actually want. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted June 20, 2012 Author Share Posted June 20, 2012 My first extended experience with a girl was exactly this, and it lasted for about 3 months before I realized what was happening and pulled the plug. It was like the exact opposite of friends with benefits...it was a full-fledged relationship...with absolutely nothing physical... It definitely helped to shape how f*cked up my dating mentality is now... Did you go into the situation hoping for more and things just accidentally went awry? Or did you actually want the opposite friends with benefits situation? Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 Yes. But you didn't want that to be the extent of your interaction. This thread assumes that this is what both parties would actually want. Fair enough. The girl before her was a coworker. I wasn't interested in her at all and just wanted a girl to hang out with. Despite her being completely not my type, a skinny black girl with small boobs, I still fell for her after a few months. It may not happen to all men, but I'm prone to falling for girls I spend a lot of time with, regardless if I'm attracted to them at first or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted June 20, 2012 Author Share Posted June 20, 2012 Fair enough. The girl before her was a coworker. I wasn't interested in her at all and just wanted a girl to hang out with. Despite her being completely not my type, a skinny black girl with small boobs, I still fell for her after a few months. It may not happen to all men, but I'm prone to falling for girls I spend a lot of time with, regardless if I'm attracted to them at first or not. This definitely can happen. I'm not necessarily saying though that you can't have feelings for the girl in this scenario, but the feelings might be different than a typical relationship. I'm sure most guys are ok with sharing their girlfriends with other people socially (like she has a yoga class or maybe some night courses at the local college or something of the like). Doesn't it follow that a guy could be ok with just socializing with a girl while she seeks sexual fulfillment elsewhere? You still have feelings, they just don't manifest sexually. Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 Did you go into the situation hoping for more and things just accidentally went awry? Or did you actually want the opposite friends with benefits situation? I went in thinking that was what a "relationship" was...it was literally my first date with a girl and we spent almost every weekend together (I was in school about an hour and a half away) and talked during the week...but I was way too inexperienced to make any physical moves on her, so I just kept spending time with her without a damn clue...and after three months, I initiated the relationship talk, and she gave me the "not ready for a relationship" line, so I left. Link to post Share on other sites
jobaba Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 In another thread, I expressed a desire for a situation another poster referred to as a "surrogate girlfriend". This is a situation in which you are "seeing" a girl socially (dinner, movies, ball games, etc.) but not technically dating. Other people may or may not think you're a couple, but from the woman's point of view the situation is totally platonic. Assuming this is what both parties actually want (socializing, no sex with each other ever, etc.) is there any harm? Or is it inevitable that signals would get crossed or feelings hurt? Lastly, how does one actually get into one of these "relationships"? It's not bad, if you can keep your feelings out of it. I've brought female friends to weddings, had dinner at fancy restaurants, gotten sloshed with, and had sleepovers in my apartment with different women who I was not romantically involved with. But I considered all of them. MAYBE one of them considered me. Hoke is right. Basically you get all of the benefits of a relationships without the crap, but you do not get 1) sex, 2) to get to call her your GF. Pretty soon your buddies will be asking you what is up with the two of you, and then what will you say? Anyway, that was back in the day when I went the friends first route. These days, I'd have tried to make out with them by the 6th hour or something. God, I used to be such a p@ssy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted June 20, 2012 Author Share Posted June 20, 2012 It's not bad, if you can keep your feelings out of it. I've brought female friends to weddings, had dinner at fancy restaurants, gotten sloshed with, and had sleepovers in my apartment with different women who I was not romantically involved with. But I considered all of them. MAYBE one of them considered me. Hoke is right. Basically you get all of the benefits of a relationships without the crap, but you do not get 1) sex, 2) to get to call her your GF. Pretty soon your buddies will be asking you what is up with the two of you, and then what will you say? Anyway, that was back in the day when I went the friends first route. These days, I'd have tried to make out with them by the 6th hour or something. God, I used to be such a p@ssy. Since we wouldn't be having sex, I figured I could just call her my wife. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jobaba Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 Since we wouldn't be having sex, I figured I could just call her my wife. If your contact with women is really limited, it is a good way to learn how to talk with women and joke around with them. It really is just like having a GF in many ways. And you will feel confident when you are out. Because everybody assumes when a guy and a gal are walking down the street together, they are a couple. All of my 'surrogate girlfriends' have been friends of friends of mine. Sometimes they are my friends' girlfriends! I get introduced and we just start hanging out. Usually, if they are new to the city too, they'll be down to hang with you a lot one on one. So, if you're looking for one, try that route. Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 That's friendship. Not much else to say other than that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ohmygoshistalk Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 pretty sure this happened to me back then when my ex and i broke up. we were still used to being with each other. we watched movies, did the "deed", made out, went to restaurants..except there was no commitment. im sure it was great for him until i met someone else, he was a pretty nice guy though. so heres the thing w/ being a surrogate..gf.. a)u might wake up one day to find out the other person found someone else.. this is probably going to make u feel sad.. b)it might hinder you from being w/ someone else who wants commitment (but it might work if u dont want commitment) c)pregnancy .. cant remember the other stuff. its pretty good unless youre constantly worried/anxious about the other person finding someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 pretty sure this happened to me back then when my ex and i broke up. we were still used to being with each other. we watched movies, did the "deed", made out, went to restaurants..except there was no commitment. This is simply a friends with benefits arrangement. I don't believe this is what OP is referring to at all. There is no "deed" as the "surrogate boyfriend/girlfriend." Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 I thought that was friendship? I am currently not dating but have what you would call a "surrogate boyfriend". We spend 1-1 time once or twice a week. We go hiking, ride bikes, go to bars, movies and dinners. We are catching a movie tonight. I know that I am not into him "that way" and am pretty sure that he isn't into me either. I don't see any harm. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted June 20, 2012 Author Share Posted June 20, 2012 I suppose what makes this different than friendship is that I would not be seeking a romantic partner elsewhere. In other words this "surrogate" would be my romantic partner, without, obviously, the sex/kissing/etc. It probably wouldn't work if she was looking for a boyfriend elsewhere. But if she were just having sex with other men and not looking for commitments from them it could work. Link to post Share on other sites
CarboniteCammy Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 My best friend and I had a very similar relationship to this while we were in college. I mean, I love him. Still do. Love his family. Still close with them. We hung out all the damn time. He had girlfriends and I had boyfriends. We cuddled. There was absolutely no sex or messing around. I've never even kissed him. We went to dinner. Movies. Got drunk together. It kind of helped me define my definitions of what I perceive as the three types of chemistry: physical, emotional, and intellectual. He and I clicked on the emotional and intellectual chemistry, but the physical chemsitry was at absolute zero. We could have literally gotten naked and slept together and NOTHING would have ever happened. I honestly feel about him like a brother, only in some ways closer. We know each other very very well and we never kept secrets from each other. Even when we don't talk for years, we can still call each other and it's like we never left off. But, we both kind of knew the score. It wasn't like either of us ever wanted a relationship with each other other then exactly what we had. In many ways, it was the best relationship I've ever had with someone. Link to post Share on other sites
ThaWholigan Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 Sounds like friendship to me ...... Link to post Share on other sites
Princess71 Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 This is so interesting because I am really into this guy friend and he lives with a girl that he is very good friends with but nothing physical. They are intimate but nothing physical. They even cuddle. I never understood how this could happen but now I see that this phenomenon exists. Now I'm beginning to think maybe that's why nothing progressed with me and him. Could it be he felt devoted to her? Would this surrogate stop you from forming a romantic relationship with someone else? Link to post Share on other sites
jobaba Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 Friendships and relationships are really not that different. Nor should they be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted June 20, 2012 Author Share Posted June 20, 2012 This is so interesting because I am really into this guy friend and he lives with a girl that he is very good friends with but nothing physical. They are intimate but nothing physical. They even cuddle. I never understood how this could happen but now I see that this phenomenon exists. Now I'm beginning to think maybe that's why nothing progressed with me and him. Could it be he felt devoted to her? Would this surrogate stop you from forming a romantic relationship with someone else? I don't know if it would "stop" someone from forming relationships with others or not. I mean for me this is the kind of relationship I'd want. Just sort of hanging out and not much else so it's not like I'd be seeking out other relationships. "Surrogate girlfriend" isn't really my term either, just one I borrowed from another poster. If someone has a better term feel free to mention it. Link to post Share on other sites
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