Starting to lose it and want to break NC

[Jose11]

So I am really starting to lose it these last couple of days. I really want to contact the girl i was with for 8 years. She basically got GIGS and wanted to stand on her own two feet without me. Unfortunately I completely understand where she is coming from. She was always sheltered by her parents and then started dating me who took her to new places and did everything for her that she couldn't.

 

I think i am going from denial into anger stage of the breakup. I don't know why but lately I have been wanting more and more to contact her. I know I shouldn't, I know she probably isn't the same girl i use to know, but I keep getting this feeling more and more for the last couple of days.

 

Some knock some sense into me. Thanks

[LovelyDaze]

DON'T.

 

It's like opening a brutal wound. If you make contact, you will delay healing and be in constant hurt.

 

Drama is for TV & movies. In your life, you need none of it.

[Ruby65]

If you're feeling angry, post here and vent about it!

 

DON'T contact the ex.

[Jose11]

Im just so angry and frustrated now. How could she just throw away 8 years like it meant nothing. I haven't heard from her at all. Not even an attempt to contact me. I left it open to do so. I struggle everyday not to contact her and I sure she doesn't even care.

[lil hoodlum]

What were the reasons for the breakup?

 

How was the relationship overall in your opinion?

[Pod81]

Hang in there, buddy. Keep in mind that this is just a phase of healing and acceptance will come after this. Don't do something that you will just regret later. You'll just decrease a chance at reconciliation if you break NC (although I don't want to give you false hope either). Go to the gym - lift weights, have at it with a punching bag. Hell, even writing a blog or journal to let out all your emotions helps a LOT. I've heard from multiple users on different threads that there's a book out there that's great for maturing emotionally....called Go Suck a Lemon. Personally, I haven't read it yet but I do plan on buying it shortly as I cope with my break-up.

[AlexanderJames]

Read my thread I just put up called Hope for the hopeless It might help,

Or Notforever's thread Breakup Manual. Both have helpful guildlines to get through exactly what you're getting through. Plus its free

 

2 days ago I had a real low point in my NC. I felt worthless and unimportant and just wanted to contact her, but I didnt, and I feel amazing again today.

You will feel worse contacting the person than if you stick it out. Its a natural part of NC that everyone has to push through. Like I say, if you feel NC is necessary, then it probably is.

 

Stick at it and keep up the good work

[Jose11]

Lil hoodlum - the reasons were somewhat vague. I guess she didn't really know an exact reason, but from everything she tried to tell me it seems like it was a case of GIGS. She said how she always had thought of getting married and now she was just realizing she needs to think of now of the moment. How she was unhappy with herself and how her life has been up to this point. She had all these goals that she never got to accomplish.

I never was one to stop her. In our entire relationship I was never one to try to hold her back. She admits this too, but that she held herself back from doing things without telling me.

 

I would say up until the last month before we broke up our relationship was ideal. Yes we did had our normal fights like any couple but nothing serious. Everyone use to actually be envious of how good we worked together.

 

Pod81 - I know I shouldn't contact her because it might lower the chance of us reconciling. It's just that we left it last time that we should at least contact each other just to see how we were, like alive or dead. We booth agreed that we shouldn't do it all the time but at least every once in a while. The thing is we need officially broke up. We are suppose to get together in like 2 weeks to see where we stand, but this state of limbo is starting to get to me. I'm taking it as we are broken up, but I'm not sure exactly because of this. I have started the grieving process but a part of me still thinks there's a chance. I know I shouldn't but its hard to not think this.

 

I was thinking of texting her at least just to see how is she doing. I want to keep it short and to the point. But my worry is she'll either be busy or just not text back altogether.

[Ruby65]

Don't text her.

 

If you want a shot at reconciliation, your only chance is to walk away from this entire "limbo" scenario. Tell her you're done waiting around, you're moving on with your life, wish her luck and go strict NC.

 

Don't respond to anything she says unless it's "I want to get back together."

 

Seriously -- WHY are you putting yourself through this torture???

 

The more you put up with from her, the less attraction she's feeling for you and the less likely it is she'll want you back. Frankly, I don't know why you'd want her back after she's treated you this way!

 

She's trying to keep you on the back burner in case things don't work out with anyone else. You deserve better!! Don't settle for this!

 

Just my two cents.

[Jose11]

I know I shouldn't let myself go through this. I know I am better than this. I am a good guy. I never treated her wrong or bad. I deserve someone who will treat me as good as I treat them. I don't think there is anyone else, but there may be something else.

 

I see all the logic everyone says and it goes through my head. I process this logic normally. I see what I should do, how i should do it, what I should say, but its difficult because when we say and think these things we take out the emotions from the equations. I always give advice on what people should do in relationships, but i always take the emotions out of it. And as much as I try now, I just cant. I have been working on myself trying to keep myself busy and doing new things, hangin out with new and old people but as much as i try I always think of her. Everyday I have something to do, working out, taking classes on dancing, guitar, hanging out with friends new and old, to keep myslef busy and not think about the situation, and it works somewhat. But honestly it is getting tiring. I cant sit still becuase it gets to me when i do.

 

A good quote someone told me that I am trying to live by is "You can't control life, but you can control your outlook on it."

[iambookworm]

You've been together 8 years and have you thought of marriage? Maybe she got tired of waiting and felt that the relationship was going nowhere?

[Jose11]

We have and had thought of marriage. I was actually planning on proposing this year. We both aren't naive in thinking love is all you need to get married. We talked about how we need to be financially secure before we do something like that. I've been planning to ask her for the last three years. I have saved every penny I could to pay for a wedding and buy a home. But now the only upside is I have a ton of money saved and nothing particular to spend it on.

[Jose11]

I did it. I ****ed up. I broke NC. Everyone was right. She basically blew me off when i texted her. I wish I didn't. I feel like crap again.

 

I knew I shouldn't have. I knew everyone here and in my life said just let it be. But I let emotions run away with me. I did text her. she replied 20 min later. Asked me a question of how was work. I asked her the same and she never replied back.

 

I asked for this pain. I know I deserve it for not listening to everyone. I wish there was something I could do to take it back.

[skyisfalling]

jose11, i'm sorry it hurts. You dont deserve any pain.. please dont be so hard on yourself. It happens, and since you got that urge out, I hope that next time, you stick with NC because it supposed to work for YOU, to help YOU feel better, alleviate YOUR pain.

 

Let's pick ourselves up and start back up again.. NC day 1. We'll be strong together, we live and we learn.

[Jose11]

Skyisfalling thanks. I know i shouldnt be hard on myself but i just should hae listen to everyone. Like my sister told me. Unforunately i was starting to realize what everyone already knew about her.

 

I guess it's true what people say. You should move on base the person that left you isn't there anymore. You don't miss them, you miss who they used to be. The old her would have never left me hanging. This new her apparently does.

[BB7]

Don't be too hard on yourself mate, I'm struggling too and in a very similar situation (relationship of 8 years - ended out of nowhere for me).

 

You just can't believe that this person that you have spent so much of your life with doesn't want to be with you....it sucks. You remember all the good times and it's especially hard when you haven't actually done anything 'wrong' to effect the break up.

 

It probably wont be the last time you break NC but just be as strong as you can.

[iambookworm]

My relationship lasted almost 2 years. And now, I am having to relearn a lot of things, like not checking my phone every couple of minutes and having to share thoughts and experiences to someone else, not him.

It's hard when you have already gotten to the habit and already think of yourself as getting married, isn't it? I also thought that was where we were headed.

Hang in there. You can do it. You know the thread here where you post the messages you want to send your ex? Maybe you can use that the next time you feel a compulsion to send it to your ex.

Good luck.

[Sugarkane]

Sounds like she really didn't appreciate what she had. Trying to find a nice guy is like finding a needle in a haystack. Maybe after dating she will see dating isn't always fun and will date some jerks like the rest of us. She sounds like a fool.

[barese1]

Being a nice guy myself I have started to realise that most girls truly believe that is what they want. A nice guy who is supportive, loving and attentaive but not a pushover. However, it seems that they end up falling or going out with complete idiots.

 

I think its true, when the ex dates a few guys they will realize how decent you are. This does not mean they will want to get back with you but they will see you for what you truly are.

 

At the end of the day though it doesn't really matter what they think of you, only what you think of yourself. Maintain NC and with time that emotional bond should fade. At that point only is it worth considering speaking to them but only when you're 100% over them.........I say this but am struggling with it too. We will get there!

[Jose11]

Thanks you all who have responsed with encouraging advice.

 

BB7 - Thank you. Its somewhat comforting to know i am not the only going through this. But I have the same thing. I just can't really grasp how someone who you have been so intimate with, shared so many memories can just forget about you that easy.

 

iambookworm - Yeah its really hard on me especially that fact that I was planning on proposing this year. I had when where how and was planning on buying the ring in a few months. We always talked about marriage and how we were going to plan it. Where it was going to be. Its hard cause I kind of had my next few years at least planned with her. Now I have a blank slate, and I just don't know where to go with it.

 

sugarkane - I have been told that by a few people. They basically said the same that she needs to go out there and have the world treat her like **** and only then will she realize what we had. I understand, but i always liked taking care of her, and hated when she had to struggle with things.

 

barese1 - I know it shouldn't matter what she thinks of me. And it shouldn't matter if she does want to come back to me. I know I am a good guy. I wont say i was the perfect BF, but I honestly believe my pros FAR outweighed my cons. even her family use to say i spoiled her by taking her places and getting her things. That I spent too much money on her. And I know she wasn't a material girl, and she was never in it for money.

 

 

Honestly though, this morning i woke up feeling bad, but not as bad as i thought. especially not as bad as the last time i broke NC. Last time I was back a square one in not eating and sleeping, but today i'm not that bad. so i guess I can see where she is coming from. She probably checked out of the relationship months before she told me so she has a head start on recovery.

 

Its just boggles my mind how she could not at all try to contact me. How are some people like that? She went from caring about me everyday whether i had a bad day at work, or family issues, or just small problems to not even wanting to know if i was dead or alive. How do people just live their lifes like that? Like 8 years meant nothing?

[iambookworm]

Being a nice guy myself I have started to realise that most girls truly believe that is what they want. A nice guy who is supportive, loving and attentaive but not a pushover. However, it seems that they end up falling or going out with complete idiots.

 

I think its true, when the ex dates a few guys they will realize how decent you are. This does not mean they will want to get back with you but they will see you for what you truly are.

 

At the end of the day though it doesn't really matter what they think of you, only what you think of yourself. Maintain NC and with time that emotional bond should fade. At that point only is it worth considering speaking to them but only when you're 100% over them.........I say this but am struggling with it too. We will get there!

 

That is exactly what my friend told me! I'd said that one day he would regret losing me and she said, that is still what HE thinks.

 

Sigh. I'd said that I wanted to contact him and maybe try another time. I said I'd rather regret something I did (like contact him and make sure I exhausted all avenues) than regret something I did not do. She said NO! Then took me out to shopping and watch a movie hahaha

[Jose11]

Just another vent here.

 

After the NC and being basically blown off. I'm feeling quite better today. It's an odd feeling. I like that I dont feel as bad as I did last night when I broke nc, and nothing like when I broke it about a month ago. So I guess that is progress.

 

I can see now how it could be easier for my ex. How she could just not contact me. Which is a bit scary. However, I just don't think I could do that to her. Just cut her out of my life completely. I'd like to at least know she is alive and well. I know she will always have a place in my heart for the rest of my life. And I don't expect her or me to contact each other every week or two but I would at least like to once in a while.

 

But how do people cut others out of their lives completely after sharing so much? I'd like to ask her how is it so easy for her. How easy is it for everyone who did the same thing as her to their former partners. I want that but ten I don't. I want it to be easier like it is for her, but I don't because I just don't think that's normal. That sounds inhuman, a terrible way to live life by just cutting out pieces of your life so easily. I think I prefer my emotions instead.

 

Just ranting here.

[Pod81]

I was JUST like you as a boyfriend - very giving, patient, and kind. I remembered a lot of the little details in her life that most men would forget and that she's mentioned very briefly in the past (her brother's favorite cake, her mother's birthday, something she said she wanted MONTHS ago). I will rant with you and say that it sucks to have someone just totally take you for granted like that. If dating other jerks or guys that don't compare to you is what it takes for her to realize how amazing you are, then so be it. I don't want to be too hopeful because maybe she will meet a guy that's just as amazing. But considering her track record with multiple short-term relationships and me being her first love, I doubt that. Keep your head up...maybe she will recognize her faults and if not, at least seek comfort in knowing that there is someone out there who WILL appreciate all that you can offer. In the meantime, keep working to improve yourself!

 

To answer your question about how easy it is to cut someone out of your lives completely after such a huge emotional investment, it's for the same reason why anyone here follows strict NC. To work on ourselves and not allow there be any influence from the ex while we figure our s**t out. I don't think it's fair for the dumper or dumpee for emotional reasons either. And that's something that I'm trying to come to terms with. It doesn't necessarily mean that she forgot about you - I mean, 8 years is a long long emotional investment!

Edited June 21, 2012 by Pod81

[Peanut9330]

At some point I think we all wonder that same question how does someone just walk away like that and not even care. A logical reason could be just that she didn’t want to be with you anymore. I know harsh logic and believe me I been there before not sleeping, eating and constantly sulking. It’s hard and I use to hate NC everyday that I woke up I fought a war with myself to not contact him. One day though you’re going to wake up and it’s going to hit you. You’re going to start living for yourself in the moment not in the past, and with each day you'll take another step forward and at some point you'll realize you stopped looking back. You'll gain this sense of freedom…… freedom that comes from letting go of the past. You'll be free of the misery and pain and you'll start to be you again. The first step though is to stick to NC and for the time being you might hate NC but you'll see in time you'll learn to appreciate it, just take it on day at a time.

[Jose11]

So I took the breadcrumb. She text me and I fell for it. I texted her back today and she did it again. She left me hanging. I really need to hit rock bottom so I can start digging my way out.

 

I actually lost it today at a concert. I started having a panic attack thinking of her and how we'll never get to goto another concert together. I started hyperventilating. Before the breakup, I never had this before. I left and as soon as I got to the parking lot alone, I started crying like it just happened. I cried all the way home. I lost feeling in my left arm, like it was asleep or something.

 

And half way there is when she texted me. She was probably just feeling lonely on a Friday night and figured I could make her feel better. Well I fell for it texted her. She replied a bit, then just left me hanging. I feel so stupid. I told myself when it happened that this is different than everyone else's breakup. She'll come back and not do te breadcrumb thing. She is no different. I can't seemed to get that through my head yet. I hope I do soon.