How Tough It Can Be

[drifter777]

True! But I believe infidelity hurts the sensitive, those with abandonment issues, those with some sort of insecurity MORE than others.

 

We are still posting at LS and elsewhere. Why?

 

I learned a lot in IC regarding WHY THIS ESPISODE WAS SO PAINFUL FOR ME, and that was important to my healing.

 

I had family trauma as a child I overcame(or so I thought). I was anti-marriage and pro-career. I married the only man I loved enough to feel SAFE with and sacrificed too much of me to support him and us and the family and home we had together. I also have never had an unsuccessful relationship. I also never received less than an "A" in any course I have taken.

 

So not only did I have to deal with infidelity and the pain of that, I also had to deal with my past, my ego, my pride, the way I viewed the world and the way I have always viewed myself and my relationship with others.

 

The pain of all of this was immense. The affair triggered so many childhood issues I thought I had dealt with successfully.

 

Guess what? I was wrong.

 

Many people deal with the pain of infidelity. For some, that pain may trigger OTHER ISSUES they have never examined from childhood.

 

I was one of them and it took a lot of work to separate the two and deal with them separately....and together.

 

The problem with your line of thinking is that ALL HUMAN BEINGS HAVE ISSUES RELATED TO THEIR CHILDHOOD. Everyone. If infidelity moves you to finally see an IC you are bound to discover that these childhood issues are still screwing up your life to some degree. We are all complex beings with our own crosses to bear.

 

My problem with your position is that it is placing blame on the BS for something that they did not deserve. The betrayal their WS dumped on them is trauma that makes everything in their lives harder to bear. Accepting blame for what your WS did to you simply because you are a human being with emotional baggage is a cop out.

[SomedayDig]

maybe she never dealt with her abuse, and it stayed deep inside her, and slowly poisoned her...she may welll have had a deep sadness inside of her that no one can ever fix except for her, no matter how much she may wish it otherwise

 

if she is able to derive benefit from counseling, and if you two are able to work through all the fallout from her affair, then you may well find that you have a much stronger and happier marriage, as she will be truly happy with herself, and there will finally be real honesty

 

I really hope that's the way it works out for you...with hard owrk ( and some luck) it can:)

 

The first paragraph pretty much describes her to a T. She never, ever told anyone about the rape or the possible abuse. Not a soul except for me weeks ago. She stuffed that down and tried her damndest to hide from it. Problem is, as Drifter said - we ALL have emotional baggage from our childhood that taint our lives. It's just the way it is. How we choose to deal with it is all we have. Some screw it away. Some drink it away or do drugs. On the flip side, some use it to finally empower themselves to just be better...do better and try to lead a proper life. I hope and pray I am mostly the latter considering the crap cards I have been dealt through life.

 

My signature is not by accident. It is the scene from Forrest Gump after going back to Jenny's house...the house where she was abused. They found rocks and began to throw them at the house trying in vain to get rid of the anger, sadness and feeling of loss. "Sometimes, there just aren't enough rocks." It is what I've lived.

Edited June 22, 2012 by SomedayDig
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[Spark1111]

The problem with your line of thinking is that ALL HUMAN BEINGS HAVE ISSUES RELATED TO THEIR CHILDHOOD. Everyone. If infidelity moves you to finally see an IC you are bound to discover that these childhood issues are still screwing up your life to some degree. We are all complex beings with our own crosses to bear.

 

My problem with your position is that it is placing blame on the BS for something that they did not deserve. The betrayal their WS dumped on them is trauma that makes everything in their lives harder to bear. Accepting blame for what your WS did to you simply because you are a human being with emotional baggage is a cop out.

 

Who said the BS deserved it? Not me.

 

Who said the BS was to blame? Not me.

 

But if you truly want to heal and stop feeling like the victim, eventually the BS also has to deal with not only the infidelity, but what the infidelity may have triggered from childhood which is preventing their healing process.

 

Now I could be angry and hurt about the betrayal until the day I die. But my goal is healing and happiness.

 

So when I realized I had two separate issues, the affair and the childhood issues it triggered, it was a hugely positive step in my healing process.

 

I think many of those so pained by infidelity have agreed.

[GLDheart]

There is so much truth in this entire thread. Five years ago after affair #1, I took my ex back. She genuinely put 100% into the relationship and earned her way back with me.

 

However, I didn't know enough to dig down and even begin to know where to look. I simply blamed myself for allowing things to get to a low point in our relationship. Now after Affair #2, I see how her childhood insecurities are plaguing the hell out of her. She constantly NEEDS approval and has unhappiness buried deep in her core.

 

Sadly, and I really feel horrible about this, I'm not strong enough to risk going through all this pain a third time.

 

I kicked her ass out so fast her head spun and she hates me now.

[GLDheart]

Better she hates you, than you hate you.

 

The cody in me wants to see her through and help heal her. She's a very attractive woman, especially to me. In fact I deeply love her in so many ways. This mess is truly killing me and my soul feels so weary and worn... but I can't live that way anymore.

 

Everytime I think of trying to "help" her, that famous military expression circles back into my mind: "beyond my pay grade".