SomedayDig Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 For those of you who lurk, browse or post actively in LS and are in the beginnings of learning of an affair that your spouse had, I want to warn you. It is extremely difficult. It isn't for the faint at heart. If you are squeamish in the least, I can tell you honestly...you are going to struggle constantly. First, a bit about me: My wife and I got married in 2000. My second marriage (first one ended because of...tadaaa...infidelity - no children, so easy break because of more than the infidelity but that's another story) and her first (although she was with a guy for a long term relationship that ended because of...tadaaa...infidelity on her bf part). We have two children younger than 10 and both have good careers. Well, I'm just starting a new one after leaving an illustrious decade long pilot career. I hated being away from home so much and as a private jet pilot, it's worse than a regular airline job as we're on call every day. Back in March of this year, I found a receipt in my wife's email account from a hotel about 20 miles away. I also had found a text a couple days ago that seemed suspect, but didn't think too much of it initially. I confronted her to find out that she had been in a FIVE year long affair with a guy. As I've found out through months of talking and counseling, it was all about sex and escape. I won't bore you with the details of why and whatnot as this thread isn't intended for me to bear my soul. I just wanted everyone to know how bad it was for my Dday. Sound familiar to your situation? Does anything strike a chord with you at all? If so, read on. The first few days and weeks following any Dday seem to have two different ways of going. First, your WS (wayward spouse) may try to minimize and gaslight the affair. This is pretty tough especially when you have overwhelming evidence that the affair happened and the extent to which it took place. Second, your WS might actually tell you the truth about what happened, come clean, and show true remorse. Either way, you the BS (betrayed spouse) will feel pretty f'd up in more ways than you can imagine. You'll deal with mind movies of the two of them in bed. Enjoying everything that you should have been but were excluded from as they thoroughly enjoyed their F sessions and unicorn time. Oh...unicorn time is their little fantasy time. It's a lovely realm where people don't fart, or pick their nose and everything is just...well...perfect. Unknown to them, is that it ain't perfect. If it was they wouldn't be sneaking around to screw. A lot of us have had the excruciating pleasure of getting the reveal in trickle truth (TT). Trickle truth pretty much sucks balls. Sorry for my vernacular, but I just call it like I see it. Trickle truth is when the WS thinks its better to try to "save" the BS by not really telling everything that happened in the affair. It always, and I mean ALWAYS backfires. Why? Simple. Because the BS has to go back to square one and begin again as the "truth" that they've been told isn't really the full truth. Only full and honest disclosure will begin to help a BS start the healing process. Details. Oh! The details. Some BS's need to know everything and I'm gonna tell you that despite what lots of people say, it does help. Maybe not initially...but it certainly stops some of the mind movies that you might create if you don't know the details. For example, I envisioned my WS doing all kinds of crazy stuff with the xOM. After talking and truly believing her, I know this didn't happen so those mind movies ceased to exist. Do I still have them about what they actually DID do? Very seldom. However, I will warn you - initially they can be relentless. I had mind movies at the worst possible moments and they can literally stop you in your tracks. Deal with them as they come. Know that they will happen but know that YOU have power to stop them by getting details. As time goes on they will subside. This I promise you. The details stop the specter that might be hovering behind you whispering words of despair about things that didn't actually happen. A month or more later, you might begin the so called hyper-bonding. The point where you have come to accept that this stupid crap happened and is now in the past. Oh, I'm speaking more to the people who are trying to reconcile more than the people who say "F this! I'm gone!" Hyper-bonding can be fun. I'm just telling you that you might have sex more than you did when you were newly weds or even dating. It's cool. Roll with it. HINT! If your spouse is really trying to get you to realize that they're in it to stay ~ sex can get OUTSTANDING! I know mine has But hold on. A few months later something is gonna happen. It sucks pretty bad, but I just wanna warn you. You're gonna get pissed. And I mean PISSED. You're going to realize how stupid your WS was and what they decided was fun and thrilling was nothing more than a stupid excursion from your marriage. It totally f'd you over and you're gonna realize that you're hurt...the same hurt from Dday and then some because you've had some time to absorb what happened. The only "good" thing to come from going through this extremely pissed off time is that you just might come to understand what your WS did. IF you take your ego out of the equation. By that, I mean, when you stop putting your stuff into what they did, it's gonna be easier. The affair was NOT about you. It was about the WS. It was about their idiotic ego feed and desire for attention. No matter what they say you "did" to make them seek that route - do NOT take that. It's a smoke screen. However, IF you take your ego out of the situation and look at it for the idiocy that it was, you will be better. You will understand that there really was nothing you could do to prevent the affair. It wasn't and never was your fault. Again, don't ever be put in the situation to think it was. An affair is about the WS's feelings of inadequacy and not you. They were trying to compensate for something they couldn't effectively communicate to you. I'm in the part of being pretty pissed right now. I only learned of my wife's affair back in March. I'm not claiming to have all the damn answers, but I can tell you that if you really are working on reconciliation, that it ain't easy. It won't be. Yet, I have hope. Hope that one day I won't question. Hope that one day I won't check her email, the cell phone records or follow her on the GPS tracker that SHE installed on her phone for me to feel more secure. I hope that you, whoever is reading this and is in crisis can have some form of comfort. It will get better if you BOTH really work on it. Of course the WS needs to be the one to do the majority of the lifting as the BS has has their world torn to f'ng shreds. Make sure they do their work. Make sure you hold them (the WS) accountable for their deception and betrayal. Above all else, don't lose sight of YOU. Know what you truly want. If you want to reconcile, then great. If it isn't feasible and you need to leave, then so be it. But, don't make any decision lightly. Thanks for listening to me on a good, albeit difficult day of my reconciliation. 10
Author SomedayDig Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 Seemingly preaching to the choir, except some do not sing or are new to the choir. 1
Spark1111 Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 Great post SD! More than 4 years into reconciliation. You are correct. First comes shock and denial. Then anger spewing like Mount Vesuvius. Next, bargaining, as in: Maybe he/she will fix the hole within and stop seeking external validation --from the job, friends, family, and heven forbid! Members of the opposite sex. Maybe they will have the courage to dig, and dig, and dig in IC to understand the "WHY" of their choices; the courage to go all the way back to their family of origin and come to understand why they felt unworthy of love and needed the attention of strangers, valued it MORE, than the loving spouse beside them. Maybe they will learn why they weren't encouraged as children to express negative emotions, or if they were even allowed to have them. Maybe they will figure out when lying, to spare themselves the consequences, became a habit. But then again, maybe not. Maybe they won't have the courage to dig this deep and it is frightening for the BS who so desperately wants to "fix" their spouse's self-esteem, get them more in touch with their feelings and help them communicate them in a clear and compassionate manner. We are afraid that we have extended this once in a lifetime gift, the gift of reconciliation, and what if we are proved wrong again? What if our CS puts a bandaid on it and nothing is really changed? Bargaining overlaps anger at times. Next comes forgiveness and that is a gift you give yourself so you do not get stuck in either anger or bargaining. Forgiveness is the acknowledgement that this horrible event has happened to you and you cannot change the past, short of a lobotomy. Forgiveness is the realization that you can still have a great future, hopefully with your spouse, but if not, that's okay too. Forgiveness is realizing that two unhappy, vulnerable people crashed into each other and selfishly sought to meet unmet needs you did not even know your spouse had. Your spouse may not have known it either and how sad is that? Acceptance is the last stage where one day you wake up finally at peace with it all. You will never forget it, just like any other trauma, but it no longer defines you, your thoughts, your fears or your future. And whether you decide to divorce or reconcile, all of these stages are part and parcel of the process. The last stage is acceptance. But then again, maybe not. 4
Furious Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 (edited) SomedayDig It was hard reading your words, they are so painfully blunt and spot on. You've layed it out how tortuous and difficult it is to get through such a betrayal. Never mind the sex part, it's the lies and duplicity that leave the deepest scars. We've been posting here for about the same time, and I'm right with you, riding that roller coaster, rooting for you. (((hugs))) Edited June 19, 2012 by Furious Correction 2
Author SomedayDig Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 Next, bargaining, as in: Maybe he/she will fix the hole within and stop seeking external validation --from the job, friends, family, and heven forbid! Members of the opposite sex. Maybe they will have the courage to dig, and dig, and dig in IC to understand the "WHY" of their choices; the courage to go all the way back to their family of origin and come to understand why they felt unworthy of love and needed the attention of strangers, valued it MORE, than the loving spouse beside them. Maybe they will learn why they weren't encouraged as children to express negative emotions, or if they were even allowed to have them. Maybe they will figure out when lying, to spare themselves the consequences, became a habit. But then again, maybe not. Maybe they won't have the courage to dig this deep and it is frightening for the BS who so desperately wants to "fix" their spouse's self-esteem, get them more in touch with their feelings and help them communicate them in a clear and compassionate manner. I let my wife read my post and then the responses. THIS truly struck a chord with her. I thank you for saying such and helping her see something that maybe she didn't even realize. SomedayDig It was hard reading your words, they are so painfully blunt and spot on. You've layed it out how tortuous and difficult it is to get through such a betrayal. Never mind the sex part, it's the lies and duplicity that leave the deepest scars. We've been posting here for about the same time, and I'm right with you, riding that roller coaster, rooting for you. (((hugs))) I'm rooting for you, too furious. Yeah, I get stuck on the sex part a bit, however the lies and duplicity that you commented on really hit hard. Knowing that she came home from banging the xOM and then had the audacity to kiss me "hello" f'ng burns me beyond compare. (((hugs))) back to ya! 1
Ninja'sHusband Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 Great post SD! More than 4 years into reconciliation. You are correct. First comes shock and denial. Then anger spewing like Mount Vesuvius. Next, bargaining, as in: Maybe he/she will fix the hole within and stop seeking external validation --from the job, friends, family, and heven forbid! Members of the opposite sex. Maybe they will have the courage to dig, and dig, and dig in IC to understand the "WHY" of their choices; the courage to go all the way back to their family of origin and come to understand why they felt unworthy of love and needed the attention of strangers, valued it MORE, than the loving spouse beside them. Maybe they will learn why they weren't encouraged as children to express negative emotions, or if they were even allowed to have them. Maybe they will figure out when lying, to spare themselves the consequences, became a habit. But then again, maybe not. Maybe they won't have the courage to dig this deep and it is frightening for the BS who so desperately wants to "fix" their spouse's self-esteem, get them more in touch with their feelings and help them communicate them in a clear and compassionate manner. We are afraid that we have extended this once in a lifetime gift, the gift of reconciliation, and what if we are proved wrong again? What if our CS puts a bandaid on it and nothing is really changed? Bargaining overlaps anger at times. Next comes forgiveness and that is a gift you give yourself so you do not get stuck in either anger or bargaining. Forgiveness is the acknowledgement that this horrible event has happened to you and you cannot change the past, short of a lobotomy. Forgiveness is the realization that you can still have a great future, hopefully with your spouse, but if not, that's okay too. Forgiveness is realizing that two unhappy, vulnerable people crashed into each other and selfishly sought to meet unmet needs you did not even know your spouse had. Your spouse may not have known it either and how sad is that? Acceptance is the last stage where one day you wake up finally at peace with it all. You will never forget it, just like any other trauma, but it no longer defines you, your thoughts, your fears or your future. And whether you decide to divorce or reconcile, all of these stages are part and parcel of the process. The last stage is acceptance. But then again, maybe not. Good summary. And to just emphasize how bad TT is, you can actually start to make it through these stages but get reset to the start when you find out you have been told nothing but lies the whole time! Truth is SOOO important and cheaters so often lie to "protect you"... What rebuilds trust? Truth. 8
Author SomedayDig Posted June 20, 2012 Author Posted June 20, 2012 NH....you're exactly right. Only truth can bring trust along with time of being told the truth and seeing it is the truth. TT as I said, is excruciating, crippling and whatever other horrible word one can come up with. Again, TT seems to be a WS's way to tell the truth but not tell the full spectrum of it. They think it's what is best for the BS. As we have seen in countless posts, nothing could be further from the truth. I wish to Christ that I had LS when I first discovered my wife's affair. I would have been so far ahead of the game and been able to decipher what was going on that first month. Although my wife meant ZERO malicious intent with her TT, she set me back to day one when she finally finished telling me the entire truth. While it might have been sexual detail truth, it was still truth that thrust me back to Dday wondering what else she may have TT'd me with. I hope, NH, you are doing well brother. I actually think of you quite often. (as well as other posters ~ like the one's who have already responded )
Author SomedayDig Posted June 20, 2012 Author Posted June 20, 2012 :bunny:BRAVO!!!!!!!!!:bunny: (((bow))) 1
Ninja'sHusband Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 I hope, NH, you are doing well brother. I actually think of you quite often. (as well as other posters ~ like the one's who have already responded ) Thanks man, I have my good days and bad. We're pretty much done with mediation now (50% custody, tons of alimony =\ ). She'll move out in the next two weeks. I started with a new therapist today, just for me really. I'm sorry to hear you are hitting a rougher spot. Yeah, the period after hyper bonding ends can be a real punch in the face. If she's being transparent, truthful, keeping NC, showing remorse, giving you love, then you take heart. That's a good sign. I said it before but I'll say it again that I was really scared for you at first, her having had such a LTA. But from your account she's been very forthcoming and understanding. I have hope for you 2
frozensprouts Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 in a way I was lucky...I hit the anger stage when my husband was away for several months, and the only communication we had was an occasional gmail chat...the time was limited, so we confined our chats to pleasant things ( as much as possible) I'm not angry anymore...and i don't think i was really mad at him per se, but at the whole stupid situation...and I got really ticked at people telling me to "get over it" or " this is how you should feel" or" be mad at person A, not B"...my attitude was I'll be mad at who i want, when i want, how I want, for as long as i want... Now I think I'm just angry about affairs in general...pretty much any way you slice it, someone winds up getting hurt...how can a few moments of pleasure be worth all that pain? 1
Steadfast Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 Trickle truth pretty much sucks balls. Sorry for my vernacular, but I just call it like I see it...*snip* Only full and honest disclosure will begin to help a BS start the healing process. Truth is one of my hobbies these days. Truth, more than anything is a historical fact. Truth is a element we all live under. Not an opinion. Perhaps the best a betrayer can hope for is that you'll perceive it in a way that lessens the impact of their actions. "Truth is stranger than fiction" is not just a catchy saying, is it? But I agree with your assessment and will add that we can't know where we're going unless we know where we've been. I'm in the part of being pretty pissed right now. I only learned of my wife's affair back in March. I'm not claiming to have all the damn answers, but I can tell you that if you really are working on reconciliation, that it ain't easy. It won't be. Yet, I have hope. Hope that one day I won't question. Hope that one day I won't check her email, the cell phone records or follow her on the GPS tracker that SHE installed on her phone for me to feel more secure. You are changed forever, but with the proper work you can use the experience to your advantage. You can be smarter and stronger. Most of us come to that realization sooner or later, regardless of our martial status. IMO, living a life of always wondering and worrying isn't a life worth living. Women who step out rarely stay with their husbands, meaning in some way, your wife's love is stronger than her urge not to love you. None of us are perfect, but we must demand no less than we're willing to give. Hang in. Draw that line and make it clear enough for everyone to see. 1
96nole Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 Now let me add in a little more of what can happen. I'm the BS. May 2011 I found out my wife was seeing someone else. OM is a dirtbag that barely works. Can't support himself and lives with his mommy. We decided to reconcile. We went to counseling. We also have a couple of months of hyper-bonding. I also got pissed a few months into R. But I kept it to myself to try and help the R. I tried to make sure the WW could tell me anything that was bothering her. I made sacrifices to help the WW. She wanted to become a teacher for half her current salary to get out the high stress job at the bank she was working. I said fine. Was fully supportive of her decision. I helped her study. When she would complain about her boss at the bank, I would tell her to not worry about the boss. After all, she wasn't going to be at the bank much longer. I would ask her to transfer to another bank. She wouldn't. I even told her to quit. She wouldn't. I now know it was because she was using the bank to stay in touch with the OM. One week after D-Day #2, I was on the phone with WW asking her what it was about the dirtbag. Why did she go back to him? What happened to the counseling? What happened to the changes we were working for? Her answer in a whiny voice not unlike a 5 year old: "When I was at work and feeling down I wanted to talk to someone and he would talk to me" Well of course he could talk to her since he barely worked. Meanwhile, I'm at my full time job. When he would talk to her, he would tell her anything she wanted to hear. Tell her how special she is. How amazing she is. Of course anybody with a job is amazing to the dirtbag. I tried to tell her he was only telling her what she wanted to hear. I tried to tell her about his lies since I caught him in several last year. But it didn't matter. She was convinced the sun shined out of his ass. He convinced her that I was no good for her. Even though I was the one that was always there for her. Supporting her with all of her health issues. Supporting her in everything she wanted to do. She was convinced that is was my fault. I didn't make her feel special everyday. I didn't make her feel like a queen everyday. She didn't think I put her on a pedestal everyday. I guess it was because I was working my job. Helping out around the house. Helping her with her studies. Listening to her complain about her boss. Studying myself for more of my own computer certifications. Certifications that would help us in the future by helping me either keep my job for find better jobs. I now sit here 3 weeks out from the finalization of the divorce. I moved this past weekend to an apartment. The ex moved back into the house we had. Her father is going to buy it. And of course the dirtbag has moved out of his mommies house into my old house with the ex. The dirtbag wasn't capable of making a life for himself. So he is now living my life. So I guess my warning is reconciliation my not work even if you put in the work. My ex was basically waiting for me to fail in her eyes. And then proceeded to blame me for it all. Apparently, it didn't matter what I did. It was doomed to fail. So for those BS's out there who want to R, hope for the best but prepare for the worst. 4
Spark1111 Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 Thanks NH. That means a lot. Thanks, SD for your complement. I am a little farther along in the process. I told my H, first I have to forgive the affair. SECOND: I had to forgive the lying and deceit to my loving, trusting face. Oh, so much harder! And it took longer. AYEYAYAY! And it came during the angry phase. Not easy. In fact, I put the man through hell and he didn't run away. The third and last and hardest part was regaining RESPECT for the spouse I had loved and trusted unconditionally, pre-affair. I also told him that every TT reset the recovery clock to zero. So did omitting, white-washing, and minimizing the truth about the affair, whether it was to protect me, or protect himself. Only courage, soul-baring truth, and brutal honesty would rebuild RESPECT, the last and final frontier for me and for our future together. We faltered here and I almost filed for divorce. He wanted to beg off counseling when the IC started to get difficult with FOO exploration. His initial claim for the reason for the affair was he was depressed and unhappy. He learned that he blamed me for things I was blameless for. He then claimed he felt unloved and felt all he was important for was his paycheck. He learned that I was working three jobs (he knew this, just did not SEE this), so why would I be killing myself to suport us if I just wanted his paycheck! He wanted needed more attention, but never told me how worthless he was feeling. (See, working 3 jobs!) He projected his unhappiness onto me, and his own shortcomings too. He crashed into her who had no knowledge of anything, and became addicted to her admiration and flattery. He became whatever she needed him to be, to keep that attention coming. She became whatever he needed, to keep his attention coming. They created a negative, secret world where I and her xH became the enemy. This is necessary in a triangulated relationship so the APs can keep feeling justified to continue in a sneaky, rebellious manner. Sounds like 17, doesn't it? I am not the villian, she was not the hero. As our counselor said, wonderful people do NOT have affairs with MPs. Needy, vulnerable people with ISSUES do. The issues, almost always, trace back to FOO. Newsflash: There are no perfect families.Dig, dig, dig, go deeply and painfully untill you get to YOUR source of insecurity and unhappiness. Our first relationships, those with mommy and daddy, will define all future relationships unless we introspect and learn where our chink in our relational armor lies. Our spouses deserve no less. 3
Steadfast Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 Newsflash: There are no perfect families.Dig, dig, dig, go deeply and painfully untill you get to YOUR source of insecurity and unhappiness. One of the best posts I've ever read. Very well said. 1
2sunny Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 No one spends FIVE years for sex and escape! That's a farce. There's no way she spent 5 years with him without totally being in love with him while pretending to be married to you. And you quitting your job. My gut says you quit not because you wanted to - but to have more time to check up on her. I feel sad for you and the choices you're making. They look like you're settling.
2sunny Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 Good summary. And to just emphasize how bad TT is, you can actually start to make it through these stages but get reset to the start when you find out you have been told nothing but lies the whole time! Truth is SOOO important and cheaters so often lie to "protect you"... What rebuilds trust? Truth. Cheaters don't lie to protect the one cheated on - they lie to protect THEMSELVES! The problem with a long term cheater is they THINK TOO MUCH OF THEMSELF at ALL times!
Furious Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 Spark You are so right about FOO (family of Origin), issues. The type of family dynamic we are raised in shapes us, this is where we first learn coping and communication skills. Who we are is a direct result of who we were as children. And sadly some children never grow up. 1
96nole Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 SomedayDig It was hard reading your words, they are so painfully blunt and spot on. You've layed it out how tortuous and difficult it is to get through such a betrayal. Never mind the sex part, it's the lies and duplicity that leave the deepest scars. We've been posting here for about the same time, and I'm right with you, riding that roller coaster, rooting for you. (((hugs))) You are exactly right. It's the lies to your face. It's the betrayal of the total trust you had. That is the most painful. And then for it to happen again when you start to feel you can start to trust again. No cheating spouse can understand it unless they were a betrayed partner at some point. I hope you and SomedayDig can be successful in your reconciliations. And the roller coaster really does suck. Make sure you have the safety bars down and locked in. 2
Author SomedayDig Posted June 20, 2012 Author Posted June 20, 2012 No one spends FIVE years for sex and escape! That's a farce. There's no way she spent 5 years with him without totally being in love with him while pretending to be married to you. And you quitting your job. My gut says you quit not because you wanted to - but to have more time to check up on her. I feel sad for you and the choices you're making. They look like you're settling. Actually 2sunny, you're 100% wrong. When I stopped flying, I did so to be home more with my family. I had made the decision last May and gave my notice in October. At that time I didn't have any idea this was going on. As for her saying she was never in love with him at all...I understand that's difficult to believe but its what she's told me, the counselor and everyone else. They met to screw. Period. To be honest, I think I might actually deal with it better knowing that she at least had feelings but that's not the case. I've told her that and she still says there was never any kind of feelings like it, hence NC has been extremely easy. As for feeling sad for me, don't. I feel sad sometimes when I read your posts as they always...always have such a negative aspect. I'm not settling. Trust me, I hold her feet to the fire quite a few times a week during our discussions. She's never balked at them. 2
Author SomedayDig Posted June 20, 2012 Author Posted June 20, 2012 Spark...again, as Furious pointed out and others - what a great post. Great insight and I can't wait to share again with my wife after work! And thanks to everyone for contributing to this thread. That is one of the reasons I started it was so that others might add to it, especially if you've had a different experience (like 96 - sorry, man) or are in a further along place and would like to expand further past my time frame.
Steadfast Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 As for feeling sad for me, don't. I feel sad sometimes when I read your posts as they always...always have such a negative aspect. She doesn't need me to do it, but I'll stand up for 2sunny and ask you to reconsider your opinion of her. There's precious little frosting in her messages, but she does care and her insights are more right than wrong. Besides, you came here asking for help; don't punish her for speaking out just because you don't happen to agree with it right now. It is good to move forward in confidence and it's good to save a teetering marriage. It is also good to take critical viewpoints and apply them to your situation. A good example of this is your belief that your wife's affair was 100% emotionless sex. I can almost guarantee you that was not the case. No one invests five-years into a relationship without having some kind of emotional attachment...especially women. Just because she tells everyone the same story doesn't mean she isn't telling everyone the same lie. A good rule: believe half of what you see and nothing you hear. She's no doubt trying to keep certain aspects of the affair from you. My hunch? The relationship was crumbling even before you knew of it and she was ready to step away. I'd wager her anger towards him is disguised as indifference. Regardless, hang in. I've heard recons are as hard, or harder than divorces. She has a lot of extra loving to do. Don't be defensive. Be smart.
Author SomedayDig Posted June 20, 2012 Author Posted June 20, 2012 She doesn't need me to do it, but I'll stand up for 2sunny and ask you to reconsider your opinion of her. There's precious little frosting in her messages, but she does care and her insights are more right than wrong. Besides, you came here asking for help; don't punish her for speaking out just because you don't happen to agree with it right now. It is good to move forward in confidence and it's good to save a teetering marriage. It is also good to take critical viewpoints and apply them to your situation. A good example of this is your belief that your wife's affair was 100% emotionless sex. I can almost guarantee you that was not the case. No one invests five-years into a relationship without having some kind of emotional attachment...especially women. Just because she tells everyone the same story doesn't mean she isn't telling everyone the same lie. A good rule: believe half of what you see and nothing you hear. She's no doubt trying to keep certain aspects of the affair from you. My hunch? The relationship was crumbling even before you knew of it and she was ready to step away. I'd wager her anger towards him is disguised as indifference. Regardless, hang in. I've heard recons are as hard, or harder than divorces. She has a lot of extra loving to do. Don't be defensive. Be smart. Thanks for the reply Steadfast and I apologize if I came off too strongly 2sunny. It was simply that I took offense to your post, not because I'm simply hurt but because everything you said was so off the mark. Regarding their relationship, my wife has admitted that in the beginning they would talk on the phone a lot and spoke like good friends. She really enjoyed that aspect of it. After about a year, the calls began to cease being about "how are you" or "how are things" and turned more to "do you have any opportunity to get away". She said that's when she turned cold to their relationship and began to use him just as he was using her...purely for the sexual escape from reality. F'ng boinkers to me, but whatever - that's how badly she deluded herself.
2sunny Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 She doesn't need me to do it, but I'll stand up for 2sunny and ask you to reconsider your opinion of her. There's precious little frosting in her messages, but she does care and her insights are more right than wrong. Besides, you came here asking for help; don't punish her for speaking out just because you don't happen to agree with it right now. It is good to move forward in confidence and it's good to save a teetering marriage. It is also good to take critical viewpoints and apply them to your situation. A good example of this is your belief that your wife's affair was 100% emotionless sex. I can almost guarantee you that was not the case. No one invests five-years into a relationship without having some kind of emotional attachment...especially women. Just because she tells everyone the same story doesn't mean she isn't telling everyone the same lie. A good rule: believe half of what you see and nothing you hear. She's no doubt trying to keep certain aspects of the affair from you. My hunch? The relationship was crumbling even before you knew of it and she was ready to step away. I'd wager her anger towards him is disguised as indifference. Regardless, hang in. I've heard recons are as hard, or harder than divorces. She has a lot of extra loving to do. Don't be defensive. Be smart. IF a woman is capable of a relationship for 5 years without feeling a thing - it makes me wonder how cold and unfeeling she might be. Since it was at the cost of YOUR feelings - that's even more hurtful - when she could have just been honest. Dig deep. I'm not trying to be critical - just pointing out the GENERAL nature of the woman you are describing. Don't worry about being critical of me - I'm just a messenger here... With a ton of experience in this arena - trying to help you move forward with the healthiest chance possible of becoming happy - for YOU. If things are minimized or overlooked that are important - I'm not going to be reluctant to point out an obvious obstacle... Which may come up now or later. Good balance is key. You should be happy... That shouldn't include HER being happy at the cost of your unhappiness. Can she be honest? Don't know! Will she, don't know! If/when she shows evidence of bringing honesty to you under tough circumstances - your trust in HER may regain some strength. I'm hoping (for YOUR SAKE) she's not a cold and unfeeling selfish woman who will get sex from a man because she wants it - even if it means hurting the ones she loves. If her ego is still big enough to justify hurtful behavior - there's still a big problem to work through.
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