Author Kate Posted July 9, 2004 Author Posted July 9, 2004 yes, i understand all of the possibilities. i've at least stopped blinding myself by my feelings for him and been very very intuitive about his feelings. i've stepped back when we are together (when it's once a week) and gaged his behavior. his words, his eyes, his body language. he doesn't feel threatened or pushed anymore and that's a good thing. the most important things he said to me last night were: 1) so what about next weekend (i had suggested we go to the Cape, he's never gone -- i suggested this last sunday when i ran into him after we talked for a while) -- i said, "listen it's just an idea..." he said, "i wouldn't have brought it up o/wise. i did think about it and think it's a good idea for you and me so i can clear my head and get out of town and just be with you -- and you didn't bring it up, I did". to me, that means HE is taking the initiative -- it's ok to throw things out, it's whether or not he then takes the bait on his own. that is major as far as i'm concerned. it doesn't say he's ready, it says he's willing. 2) "i want to work things out" enough said. 3) "as soon as i move out and have my own identity, i'll feel a lot better. i have no stabiliity right now and can't afford to lose anything else. once i have it, i'll be a whole person again" 4) this is funny -- we were talking about how some people let themselves "go" after they get married and have kids, particularly women, and i said how it should be mandatory that each partner vows to stay in shape and take care of themselves! he said, "that'll be in our contract..." then he realized what he said and we just changed the subject. subconciously he sees us together down the road. this is NOT the first time he made reference to something after we are married -- but each time it just slipped and we changed the subject. i really think he wants to be "right" for me. 5) "i want to give you everything" now i truly believe i wouldn't have heard any of these things...among others he said...if i didn't handle this situation of pure heartache with sheer care and thought. he said it's also not easy for him. i told him "well you must understand my position" but i'm also thinking of his. thinking for a minute finally that he really means it...that he's telling the truth. and he is! imagine if i was where i was a month ago when i thought he was full of shi.t, playing games and trying to get the upper hand. i'd be playing games myself, sabatoging myself, him and US. and there would be no last nights. that's why i think it is crucial for anyone going through a breakup scenario to get as much info as possible from the dumper as to why, and try to be objective enough about it so that you can take the right steps. when you act out of anger or pain, you are screwed...cause sometimes the other person NEEDS something, they are not necessarily doing something to you. i have racked my brain concocting every possible scenario for his need for space, and it was wrong. when i could have just kept it black and white and trusted him. if someone thinks that time and space is an excuse, then they were with the wrong person anyway. if you dn't trust them, then you shouldn't WANT to be with them. i trust him and if he was playing a game, God bless him. you always have to go with the positive cause if it's not in writing or a fact and you can't SEE something, why be negative? you don't know anyway, so might as well be strong and positive about it. things can olny work when you are natural and not concocting other scenarios.
Author Kate Posted July 11, 2004 Author Posted July 11, 2004 i wrote this to dreamguy: i have so much more info for you i dont know where to start. i am a little drunk now so would rather write later, but here's the gist: went to NYc this weekend for an art exhibit with someone who i thought was my soulmate (still do). we met a year ago and moved around a lot, but he has made it clear since day 1: he will not settle exclusively until marriage. that's fine, he is honest and i don't have to sleep with him, as in order for me to do that i must be exclusive. i learned the hard way with him last year and didn't speak to him for 6 months. but now i am more than willing to have an affecitonate friendship with this guy. he is brilliant, eccentric, beautiful, everything...but i don't think his heart is as gold as my ex's, but that's not my point at all here. i went to an amazing art exhibition this weekend and finally rememebred how great i am. i spent time with strangers who i felt like were my family. nyc always offers wierd cool stuff like that. i live an hour outside. my point in all of this is that i found myself again. i had asked my ex a week ago if he wanted to do a weekend trip. thursday i asked him to drinks and ifyou read my post you'll see the update. he brought up the weekend trip, so i said i would book it. fri. night i booked it and called him and left him a VM saying i booked it. i knew i wouldn't hear form him after that, but why am i accepting that?? i offered to take HIM (he always offers to pay but i said this was on me) and even though we are keeping communication nill, after this weekend it just dawned on me that why should i make an effort and then not get an acknowledgement? i am not mad at him -- but am just realizing that perhaps i am shortchanging myself. i am a beautiful, intelligent woman and i know my ex is aware, but perhaps not aware enough. HE should be the one to take me somewhereif he wants to go badly enough, as HE is the one who needs time and space. why am i pushing the envelope? now i spent time w/someone who makes me feel so...ME...and amazing and smart and eccentric. i grasped my true self again and although i want my ex badly...badly...i cancelled the trip. i then sent him a text that asked him "do you mind if we postpone next weekend?" he wrote back "Sure. why?" i wrote "i just think another time will be more apprecdiated" the he wrote "?" I wrote "i think another time to take a trip together will be more appreciated". is that too ambiguous? i don't care. i don't want to be direct because i don't see a point. the point is, i do think that another time will be more appreiated -- when he is not "needing time and space" (which, dreamguy, he TRULY IS!!!!!!!! it's not a cover!!!) but i can't believe how amazing i felt in the last 24 hours. i am shortchanging myself and i don't think it's my ex's fault, but i need to be cherished..not chasing!!!! i expect to hear from him the week, but even if not, i just feel that if we are to get together HE will initiate it -- not ME. i can't feel GREAt about myself anymore doing that. i also connected with a part of myself i haven't had in a while this weekend. this guy has simply had it toooooooooooo good with me and doesnt know what kind of an effort a real relationship requires. i don't blame him, if that's the way he is, but at this mooment it's not for me and i felt a gut feeling that said to cancel our trip next weekend. let him f-ing do something to make ME feel good (that he initiates)/. why pick him up after work on friday, spend $250 on hotel, $50 on gas (i told him not to pay for this stuff and that he can pay for everything else) and court HIM. no...if he wants me he will come chasing again. i'm so glad i connecting with what i am worth again. i miss myself so much -- i miss myself much more than i miss my ex.
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