KATE's update on: NC, ex who needs "time", what NC means to me

[Kate]

I just wanted to put this out there for anyone who has been following any of my posts on this breakup section. Even if you haven't, this will apply to you if you were the dumpee of some sorts. I want to be clear that this is a followup and thought process I am posting specifically for my situation, and every situation is different, but my intention is to HELP anyone who is going through what I have been going through.

 

SUMMARY: So my guy and I were friends first, started physically, fell in love, started arguing -- often -- and he broke up with me. Aside from the arguing that put things over the edge, he said that he thinks the cause of the arguing is the fact that he had a 4 year relationship prior to dating me with only a 3 week grace period in between! I was close to his breakup situation and helped him do the deed (he fell out of love with her, it was his 1st serious commitment, and I was ONLY his friend at the time with no other motive), so essentially he trusted me before we got together in that romantic way. There are a lot of details that involve our breakup, but mainly it boiled down to the fact that he was very distant, didn't do anything romantic ever, treated me more like a friend and confused me with his feelings...although said he loved me. Basically he was very inconsistent, and over time I became very very insecure and started acting on those feelings. Often when I was drinking I would get emotional and we didn't even know why we were arguing. So, he broke up with me. We talked about it after, and he said he felt guilty because he knows that he wasn't giving me what I needed, and didn't know how at this time because he is still recovering from a very draining relationship. The first time we talked about this I was very understanding, agreeable, and accepted it -- if he needed time, I was going to give it to him. Because I wanted to KEEP him. But, after 3 days, I called him up drunk while he was at a party...and I already had an attitude, and it was attributed to the anger I felt about our WHOLE relationship progression...I mean, how dare him break up with me after he didn't even treat me well, right? So things just got worse that night, and we broke up for GOOD...hence, the "NO CONTACT" phase....

 

NO CONTACT: So I have a lot of posts here about what happened during my period of NC. Some posts I hate him, some I want him back, I went thorugh and am going through everything that everyone on here is going through. I couldn't decide a decisive plan of action that would make ME feel better. I ended up sending him an email 3 days after our final breakup, saying not to contact me until he knew he wanted a commited relationship. After 9 1/2 days I knew he was now giving me MY space, and I was going CRAZY. I HAD to talk to him, but not to beg him to come back, just to see how things were. We went for coffee and he made me feel SO much better about his position in life right now. We were smiles from ear to ear from start to finish, and we discussed our relationship. He told me it's so hard for him right now to give anything to anyone, and doesn't want a relationship with anybody. Now of course that sounded insane to me, we were in love a month ago, what happened??? But I sucked it up, knowing that if I "understood" him, at least there was a chance for him to respect me again. I felt sick about it, but I tried so hard to stop thinking about my pain and start thinking about his. People think that just because someone breaks up with you that YOU are the victim --- sometimes the dumpers are actually genuine, honest people -- owise, why would you be w/them in the first place??!!!?? People on this website and others were telling me that "time" and "space" are a crock. And let me tell you this -- on the days that I BELIEVED those people, my days were miserable. Now I do not choose to live in hope or deception, but there is something to be said for not trusting others or having faith in them. If I could have faith in my boyfriend when we were together, why not now? Because he wants or needs something different than me? So here is where things got better for me....

 

GETTING BETTER DURING POST-BREAKUP, DEALING W/NC: About a week ago, after my last talk with my ex, I decided to totally revamp my attitude -- and here are some things I did:

 

1) Focused 100% on myself. While my daily pain was there, I started looking at things intellectually, NOT emotionally. I rediscovered how awesome I am, and how happy I can make others. I remembered why he started dating me in the first place, and actually realized that I digressed from who I am...I let HIS needs dictate MY feelings. Had I not reacted so much to his need to not be close to me for a while, we never would have argued -- guarenteed...(but I am not the Lord Jesus Christ and can't see through to the truth always -- we are always blinded by emotion). I decided that I needed to be intrinsically happy, and I lost that during the relationship. I decided that if there was ever a chance in hell at us being together, I needed to get right back to the place I was when we first hooked up -- when he saw fireworks over my character. Why would he want a weak, unhappy person now? This has nothing to do with pride, either...people will only step on you if you let them, and it doesn't mean you can't have faith in them either. There is NOTHING in life that a positive attitude or approach hasn't improved! So even if my positive attitude didn't win him back, at least it would win mySELF back...as well as his respect for me. This was step #1.

 

2) I decided to put his needs first, for once. Just because I am the victim here doesn't mean I should act like it. I realize that during our relationship I didn't see what he needed...I saw what I needed, and when he didn't give it to me I thought he was horrible. Little did I know what he was really going through. there is a proverb from somewhere that says, "DON'T TAKE THINGS PERSONALLY" -- I now know the true meaning of that. It takes a strong, strong character to do that. It's so much easier to cave into weakness than it is to be strong at a momenets notice, but SO much harder to do that long-term! The more I started thinking about HIs needs (and this is why I do encourage a breach of NC if you truly need more answers, more understanding to understand the other person, right or wrong) the more I woke up. I realized that a breakup is not an insult. It feels like one though. but in my case, I think he was simply stronger than me by doing something difficult that needed to happen. When you start going down a road you don't want to or one of you is confused, STEP BACK. I commend him for doing this, as I know he never really wanted to be away from me. He loves me and I was his friend. He did this to figure things out about us, but mostly about him. Sometimes a breakup is about the OTHER person...not you. In my case, that's what it is.

 

UPDATE: After implimented some SERIOUSLY positive thinking, and I mean serious....from my intonation on the phone to my daily outlook, etc., things improved, first for me. I realize now that if I can truly be happy here alone, I can do anything -- even have my relationship again (this is relative to my situation, I don't want to try and speak for everyone but I'm trying to convey the power of positive thinking). I can't guarentee you that once you stop acting like a victim, you will no longer be one. I had to tell myself, "wake up, this is not all about you!!! see it for what it is!! if you love someone, let them figure out what they want!! smile, tell them you love them and you'll talk soon, and then relax..." So that is what I did. After last wednesday night I started practicing all of this...they say it takes 2 weeks to form a habit. I am still sooooo shaky at it, considering i am outwardly an incredibly positive person, but inwardly, emotionally, etc. VERY VERY intrinsically negative. So, over the weekend I had to call my ex regarding some things he left at my place --- we were moving out of our house this weekend which was nuts. He offered me some help for this past weekend, which was when we moved everything...i said no (trying to do some NC stuff right) and he said "ok, well let me know if you need any help before wednesday, i'm getting a new truck tuesday". Now, I could have taken this as "great, he just wants to be my friend and he's trying by doing this..." or "great, he broke up with ME, now he wants to keep me emotionally tied to him....I can't do this, it will destroy me..." Instead of thinking any of those htings, I thought (about the guy I LOVE) "Well that's nice...I bet he's trying to prove to me that this time apart has made him more sensitive and giving." yesterday I pondered calling...all freaking day...and I REALLY needed the help! My dad couldn't help with everything. So, about 3pm, I called him and left him a platonic but nice message, saying "if you can, great, if not it's FINE -- i hope your truck is great!!". But the key here is that I MEANT the positive undertones, I MEANT what I said and the way I said it. I had been practicing all week long!!! 5 minutes later he called me back and said he was happy to help. We met at my old house, with my dad (they like eachother a lot) and we moved...and then the 3 of us ate dinner...and laughed and laughed and laughed. I think the key after a breakup, if you KNOW you will see your ex, is to avoid any place or thing that may be negative in terms of seeing them and take advantage of the positive. Since my dad is so freaking positive and has great energy and brings out MY best, I thought this the perfect opportunity!!! And, it WAS. After eating we moved again for about 1hr. Then my ex and I drove back to my house to get a few more things for my place, and we had the chance to talk one on one. This is so important -- if you see your ex or talk to them, know the time and place to talk about your relatinship past or present. Since I had talked to him a week ago, and he TOLD me he need space, I considered that unchagned -- and it showed him by not trying to talk that I respect him. I was so full of energy, and I know he could see I am truly loving myself again, despite a breakup. I know he saw the person he saw when he first met me and wanted me on the spot. I was afraid to touch him casually, etc., but we ended up hugging for a while...and it was like we were in love again, though I know what it's going to take if we are ever together again...space and time. as much as I wanted to rush it, i didn't -- and I have a positive frame of thought to thank for it. We kissed once and then again and he didn't stop holding me, which was great. I could FEEL that my behavior had made a major major impact on him. Before when we would talk I know he still sensed my urgency to be together...but this time I didn't do that to him -- because I thought about his needs, rather than my need to have a relatinship with him. This stuff works, people!!!

 

what i am tyring to say here is that positive thinking can TOTALLY win a situation...and ANYTHING negative in mind will just reconfirm in your ex's mind why they do NOT want to be with you -- the situation alltogether simpoly makes them feel negative. I feel that no matter your situation, there is a common thing we need to do -- and no, not everyone will have the luxury of seeing their ex, talking to them, etc., in the way i did -- but I know eventually you will have SOME contact. And what you need to do, and what I am doing right now, is preparing my mental state. It's like sports...you know you can win w/ a positive attitude...it's not the talent of the athelete, always, it's their mindset!! SAME thing with relatinships!! It's not the circumstances of the breakup or anyhting that happened before...it's the mindset for today, then for tomorrow, etc.

 

FUTURE: Moving forward, I can't expect anything. In order for me to move on with each day, though facing the fact taht he can definitely decide against ever being with me agian, maybe he already has...but in order to move on, I must improve ME. I realize that the point has come where this has nothing to do with him, us, I must improve ME -- and that will improve us. A relationship (solid one) consists of two very complete and strong people who do not let negativity overcome them. and this is coming from someone who gets a rushing pain in her chest, heart and throat when her boyfriend says he can't come over tonight or breaks plans...I know I'm emotionally very insecure, so yes, this positivity thing is HARD...but it's my last resort. And, I can tell that simply by last night, after smililing, hugging, kissing him and saying "THANK YOU!" that he knows I'm not expecting anything -- because I am not. there is NOTHING I can do at this point except improve myself. and I promise, wheh you start doing that, your days are less crappy, you love yourself again, it becomes clear if you even WANT this person (because you love yourself again.....ugh huh..) and EVERYONE around you notices. People are attracted to good energy and confidence. and I recommend to everone on this post to do wahtever they can to get themselves back -- think of it as an experiment...it may only take a few weeks, months, who knows. but the pay off is win win!!!

 

may peace of mind please enter the minds of those on this thread. i just got mine last weak and i can actually function again

[sid3]

Your right Kate, Glad to read that things are getting better for you. Perhaps your in a position where N/C is not really what you needed, just some thought restructuring. That's what I am working on, rather than feeling hurt, which I still do alot of the time, I'm focusing on trying to improve my outlook on things. Hope things continue to improve for you.

[breezy]

KT,

That was a GREAT story and WONDERFUL advice. I am doing the same thing, learning to love myself again they way I use to. Its actually been a lot easier than I thought it would be. My ex went from a recent divorce of 7 years into a relationship with me. So, when we started talking about moving in together, I think he realized that he really did need to "find himself". I use to think that was a crock of S.......H.......I......T, but the more I look back and the more I talk to people, etc. I do believe it and even though I want to hate him for making empty promises to me, I respect the fact that he isn't going to drag me thru all the B.S that he is/was going through. I as well started to fell his insecurites and he realized that he could not give me what I was and should have in life. He was in now way ready for marriage and I am. And I use to hate that line "its not you...its me", but in some cases, I totally believe that. I KNOW it was not me. You have heard that saying "the right person...wrong timing".

[Kate]

i don't believe anything about the fact that "true love never needs a break" -- who thinks they can put such weight on something that has no guarentees and that people essentially know little about?

 

all i know is that i once made the mistake of thinking that statement was true -- i was SO blind, living in a fairy tale. when my s/o told me he needed time, i told him he was selfish and immature and not ready for a relationship. little did i realize, ALL he needed was space, and for me to lay off. by being selfish and not listening to his needs, he ended up hospitalized for depression...and the whole while i only thought about myself when i could have been there for him as a friend -- and probably helped him instead of hindering him.

 

i refuse to act that way again. my current ex/love is going through similar issues, though clearly not depressed. but the symptoms of his behavior are similar to the other ex who REALLY wasn't ready.

 

i just think that when someone breaks up with you, that there is a bigger picture to look at besides your personal feelings. it can be so easy to be selfish when you are in pain or are suffering. i look at my mother, she is a weak person and has been in "pain" her whole life -- and while she bends over backwards for others, her pain makes her the single most selfish person on earth.

 

SID3 : you will be fine. you and i will keep corresponding here as it seems you are willing to be positive too. it's sometimes easier short term to build up anger, resentment or detachment to "get through". i don't want to live that way anymore...it was killing me...and you can still be strong and maintain your pride just because you were the one dumped. so what??

[Zoey]

So it's been awhile, but I have been thinking about what you asked about how I would feel in your situation, (from the perspective of someone who has been in a long relationship and is considering the need for a break...)

so here is the gist of my reaction -

 

Even though I am the one considering the need for a break, I often feel sad, lonely, and unsure of my motives. BF and I are making a conscious decision to spend time apart and re-evaluate our relationship. At first, everything seems fine, even wonderful. It feels good to flirt with other men and not feel guilty. It feels even better to accept their attention and know that lots of men still find me attractive. Also, I enjoy hanging with the girls. I even enjoy falling asleep ALONE, and waking up ALONE.

 

But then, I am alone and bored, and I want nothing more than to call BF and chat, invite him over, and hang out. Probably, this is because I am rarely all by myself.

 

Mostly, I am sure that the same feelings of loneliness, sadness, and heartache occur on both sides of a broken relationship. The only difference is, that one person (usually the dumpee) feels insecure and as though they weren't good enough/should have done something different/why didn't X love me??? The other person (dumper) feels the same feelings of hurt, but doesn't feel the same insecurity, or burning desire to get back together.

 

Also, as to the recent Positivity message, this is a fabulous approach. From my standpoint, I agree that if BF were to come groveling back to me, I would definitely be very annoyed. To win my heart, he would have to show me all his positive attributes and self-confidence is a very strong measure of character.

[sid3]

Yeah Kate, getting angry and bitter is only a short term thing. Better to keep positive. I liked the statement from a reply to my post, "not all that and a bag of chips" NFD. We make ourselves miserable at times. There are brighter days ahead. I'd much rather continue to correspond with you here than email the ex, your kind enough to reply. You'll be fine as well.

[georgie]

Hi Kate,

 

Good letter. A little overly detailed but hope that helped you get it all out. I agree with you and have already decided to just work on myself and get back to where I was when we met.

A fun outgoing, happy positive person. I turned into a needy control freak.

 

So..........seeing that in myself and having him distance himself is definately going to pay off in the end. I mean it can only get better.

 

Here's the deal though.........You just saw your ex yesterday and you seem very upbeat. I speak from experience when I tell you beware. That kind of high from having contact doesn't usually last. You must prepare for the valley's as well as the peaks or you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

 

You words imply that although your intentions are to "improve yourself" you are still very addicted to this man. Just make sure to give yourself some time and hold on for the ride.

He's not ready to come back.

 

Good luck.

[Kate]

Georgie,

 

You are so right. I am trying to be upbeat, but that means staying upbeat --even if i don't hear from him now for a month or so. I am so hoping to hear from him this weekend...I keep thinking about the look in his eyes when we were together the other day, but that doesn't mean anything different. it just means that he felt that way at the moment, i don't know. But I know I can still stay positive and upbeat and happy on my own accord. This whole self-focus thing is not easy, but is good, as it allows you to come full-cirlce with yourSELF if you do it correctly. The whole point of it is to have yourSELF to fall back on now instead of your relationship. the person you were with will notice this change, too, no matter what.

 

On another note, Georgie, I knew in advance what you are warning about -- and honestly, my upbeat attitude was just as upbeat BEFORE I saw him last wednesday. I tried to take from it what I can, and all I know is that at least it was a positive experience. That's all i can take from it. All I know is that for once he wasn't running from me. And I have my attitude to thank for it! It's a genius concept...I'm still the SAME person underneath it all! I just changed my ATTITUDE. The fact that things have gotten better in the last 2 weeks now, instead of worse or dry -- and it certainly feels as though that passion is even GROWING when i see him!!! -- is the only thing i can hold onto at this point. i could be blind, yes, but I'm just trying to stay positive. The only negative impact that this situation can have on my by being positive is that I will wake up from a dream to find out for a fact my ex has moved on from me for GOOD. But, if I try too hard to recognize that as a possibility, I make start creating the same self-fulfilling prophecy I creataed when we were together out of FEAR. Now, as I am more scared than ever, it is more important to not be scared. That's waht I am working on. Remembering ME.

 

i feel that the only way to win him back is to be exactly my SELF -- independent, strong, etc. and, I have learned from others that even if you don't FEEL those things, you can simply fake it til you make it. at first i thought this was a total crock, phony, pathetic. but after some thoughts, even reading my tony robbins books, i realize that you are simply mirroring an action of a feeling that you want to achieve. if you act sick every day, eventually you will become sick. if you ACT happy every day, even if not, eventually you will become happy. and i'm starting to do this with being positive. forget the deep self-analysis, it just complicates things. i don't know how long it will be until i hear from him again, but i do know this -- i have been pleasantly suprised at his willingness to see me. and i know he had no motives besides wanting to truly see me to caht in one case, to help me out in another. but these are scenarios that needed to happen so that he could see evidence of me getting myself back. sometimes you have to create a situation with your ex so that they can see you in a nother light. forget all rules and regulations, sometimes we hold back way too much out of fear. the 2 times in the last month since my breakup (one month ago and a few days), that i have contacted my ex (that's not a lot of contact), i almost didn't contact him. i was reading on this site too much about NC rules, etc. but i went with my gut and got rid of my fear because i knew that he had to see quick improvements on my part in order to at least start transitioning his opinion of me in his mind. and that's just what happened. i got to a point where i woudn't ask questions or place restrictions, just act genuinely happy. i think once our ex's think we are really happy, and can handle ourselves, that will be the kind of strength and validation they are looking for for a strong relationship.

 

thanks for your thoughts. keep me posted please.

[sid3]

it's good to hear that you are being positive. N/C means different things to everyone. Where I am at, I can't go with the gut feeling or any thing else. Simply no contact, it's all I can do. I miss my ex alot, even knowing that there are many other possible partners out there. I hope you don't have to go as long as I have Kate, it will be six months on the july 8th. This is about the time when I usually crack and send an email. Not this time, I have all but completely abandoned hope. Moving on, yet keeping the door open is my current perspective. So I move to a new place, and wouldn't you know the neighbor has the exact same SUV that she drove. Bad enough that half the town owns one, can't go anywhere without seeing dozens of em, just can't seem to to catch a break.

 

if you ACT happy every day, even if not, eventually you will become happy. and i'm starting to do this with being positive.

 

I will start trying this immediately Kate, I'll let you know how it works.

[Kate]

hey sid,

 

glad to hear you are staying so strong. i'm actually having a really rough time today -- although it was so nice seeing him on wednesday, and i should be seeing it as a POSITIVE thing that he even wants to talk or see me!!! -- you always want more, right? i dont want to make the same mistake as before though, where nothing was ever enough for me. the only reason i can say that i'm actually at some fault for it never being enough is because i once had a bf who went to the ends of the universe to please me...and it was never enough...although inside i FEEL like i'm being shafted, disrespected, i have to reject those thoughts as i am truly instrincially emotionally negative. relationships are no exception, they are the rule for me! this is horrible.

 

today all i want to do is call him. i keep thinking, we had such a good time on wednesday, (and for the first time i ddin't act needy!!!! -- and when we were saying goodbye he said "i'll talk to you soon" -- i THINK he said "very soon" , i tend to block out anything positive, it's really amazing how i can put a spin on things. i'm still sorting out a lot of feelings over the realtionship, but at the end of the day no matter what side you are on, things start with YOU. i'm sad cause it's the 4th holiday and we should be romantically watching fireworks together.

 

hey sid, can i ask you a question? i need your "guy" answer. now, my ex is very sensitive, very true to himself, very non-game playing. when we saw eachother on wednesday it felt like an eternity for BOTH of us. as a guy, how do you feel when you have sex with a woman you care deeply about? i ask becuase it just happened when i saw him the other day. it started out just hugging and gazing into eachother's eyes (btw, he has never ever had random sex, one night stand, he feels very serious about sex and even in our relationship when thing weren't "right", he couldn't even sustain if you know what i mean -- what i mean by telling you this is that it wouldn't have happened if he wasn't feeling very deeply about me the other day). then we kissed for like an HOUR -- only that, and he was soooo soooo caring, touching my face, looking at me sensitively, not pushing anything (before i ALWAYS pushed when i wanted to be with him). he said "i could do this forever" meaning the kissing, and i know he was truly happy just being with me at that point. we ended up having sex and it felt "right" as it always has. it's never been anything but a healthy feeling with him and i didn't feel bad afterwards at all. this is a good thing. i should see it for what it is. but i guess my question is, if you truly care about a woman and sleep with her when you are not together, that means you still feel close. so he must be pondering "us" still, right? this is a hard thing for anyone here on the outside to comment on.

 

on another note, i sat at dinner w/ him and my dad wed. night and a few times i felt ready to throw up -- like when my dad invited us over for the 4th and my ex said nothing (cause we are split right now..). but instead of dropping my energy levels, i pushed everything down. this showed strong character, and that i trusted him as a friend. do you know what i mean? sid, man, i'm telling you, if you stay positive enough to get to the ponit where i was all last week, the cosmos start doing work for you!! i don't know if you are religious, and i'm not so much but VERY spiritual, but i truly believe this: if you work hard enough on yourslef and stop doing things out of weakness, "God" will repay you for it. on wednesday afternoon before i saw my ex or even CALLED him to take him up on his offer to hep me with my move, i prayed to "God" and asked him to help keeping me strong and w/peace of mind. i finally came to the conclusion that this break is perhaps saving my relationship! it's giving me a chance to work on so many things i have wrong in relationships, such as personal weakness. and, i truly feel that "god" felt i was ready to see my ex because i had worked on myself so much. and i was ready because i was all smiles and positive. man, my ex is SUCH an amazing individual, so privy to my energy, that maybe it's a good thing he reacts negatively to my negativity. becaue maybe i have just been with people who want me badly enough that they are willing to put up with my negative personal issues in a relationshp. well, this guy loves himself enough not to because he wants somethng solid.

 

i guess today is when i should be doing what i was doing up until today...focusing on myself. cause i'm focusing on him again and that's only going to make me horrible -- just like i am right now, waiting for his absent call to be with me tonight. rediculous. i'm pining, and the more you do that, the more of a bad attitude you will have and not even mean to have if they DO contact you. that' why it's so important to be working on yourself sid.

 

also, yes -- if you ACT in a positive way (don't rack your brain to FEEL it), eventually you will become. don't think of it as an emotional task -- cause you will lose!! -- think of it as a business transaction. do what you do when you HAVE to survivie! you know, times where it's do or die, you truly have no choice but to act well...do it even when it's not do or die. it's that simple. and, at the same time, remember how great you are. remember this: THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOU AND THE STRONG IS THAT THEY APPEAR STRONG. WE ARE ALL EQUIPPED WITH THE SAME EMOTIONS!!! SOME PEOPLE ARE TALENTED ENOUGH TO MASK IT AND CONFUSE OTHERS, WHICH CAN BE A GOOD THING. MASK IT AND BE STRONG BECAUSE ESSENTIALLY IT'S A CHOICE. OTHER PEOPLE SIMPLY CHOOSE TO APPEAR HAPPY EVEN WHEN NOT, AND YOU WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE. this is so true. don't worry about "not being true to yourself or the one you love", cause honestly, this is for you. this is for you to feel when you are alone.

 

another thing : practice SMILING when you are all alone. do you work out? think of it like lifting weights...practice smiling when you feel like s..h..i..t. you will actually trick yourself to feeling happy and stronger~! screw the meds or more time, if you died tomorrow you would be SO PISSED. pretend you have a fatal and sudden illness. did you ever watch that movie with Charlize Theron where she really had like a month to live? well anyway, same concept. pretend today is your last and then see how imporatnt a grudge or your pain is. sit on your couch, type, watch TV, whatever and smile from ear to ear. it's gonna be hard, you're not happy, but see what happens and hit me back.

 

btw, the best experienment i ever did was a few months ago with my ex. i was feeling lonely, he was distant and not sharing how muych he cared, and i decided that i was going to act different and see what kind of a reaction it induced. i wanted to prove to myself how much of MY energy was affecting the realtinshp and i found out -- A LOT. so the night i decided to stop feeling weak (it only lasted a few days till the next argument when i gave up my personal fight like a jerk -- i didn'tmean to!!), i decided that no matter what he said, did, how i felt, i would react POSITIVELY -- as if he said something great. so, we are on the phone, and he asks me to go get a drink. and while we are on the phone he tells me how the hottest girl was at the gym...and that she had HUGE boobs and the best as...and that it was hard to work out. now, i could have looked at that as him trying to make me jealous ( he wasn't, i'm very appreciative of other women's beauty , however this was not terribly necessary! ) but instead i said, "wow, he must feel so comfortable with me that he can saya stuff like that...,any other girl would flip out!" so we got to the bar...and he probably realiezed the damage of his comment in retrospect, and i guarentee he was waiting for a drop in my energy. but, i didn't -- i blocked it completely, and you wouldb e amazed at the reaction i got from him by simply faking a smile over something that wouldn't even be a big deal the next day. my energy had a huge impact on him. by faking it was making it, and this can be applied to any area in life. essentially, i believe you ccan have someone eating out of your hand if you really want to.

 

we as human beings are so powerful. we just forget our power as we succumb to weak people and situations around us. essentially, we can have anything we want to!!! FEAR is the only thing holding us back, and i now understand what tony robbins means by that. for ex, if i was too scared to call my ex last week, we would not have had an amazing experience together. and, i know about the NC rules and this and that, but honestly, it's not AA -- and in my situation, i'm improving myself...and i need to evidence that in front of my ex. if he doesn't see that, he may move on. i don't mean showing him that every day, but i can check in with him once a week and be nothing but a big ball of positive eneryg. in the beginning of our friendship, was lifting his life and spirits...but as i got scared, i made his life more difficut. i need to show him who i am again.

 

don't underestimate the power of your psyche to do things you wouldn't normally do. BUT, you have to do it with no FEAR of rejection, nothing. my other question to you, sid3 is, have you thought OUTSIDE of the box about your ex? i mean, what was the last piece of info she gave you ? did she say it was over for good? i don't know, this may sound nuts, but maybe you are giving up in a different way as far as the NC is concerned? deep down, she may feel differently than you think. if you think you are supposed to be rejected, you will act like it. i don't know, i could have acted like that last week in front of my ex, and it would only have confirmed his notions...that i am too weak for him right now, wahtever else. people are attracted to strength. so what about you? have you thought about an outlandish attempt to get her? and accepted the fact that so what if it doesnt work the first time? i mean, i know pain is supposede to go away in time...but i feel like if it doesn't, it means you have not exhausted all of your efforts, options. let's think about this some more...did she tell you she never wanted to see you again? i would like to see something more come out of this for you with disregard to the "RULES" -- you dn't know at all what's going on in her head!!

 

give me your thoughts ifyou ever finish reading this!! sorry so long ...i have so much on my mind today.

[sid3]

how do you feel when you have sex with a woman you care deeply about?

Clearly if he was intimate with you and from how you have described his values, he must still be pondering "us". I speculate. I personally would be only have sex with the ex if we were back together.

I have only had sex with a woman I truly love, my ex and I had the best experiences with eachother. This I know because not only did she tell her firends, we spoke about it a few times. I have read that sex gets better with each relationship: I think that is bullsh**, maybe for some people, but there is nothing absolute that applies to everyone. And I will be a selfish bastard and say If I don't get back with my ex I hope the sex isn't better in her next relationship. Yeah, there are no real rules for N/C, every situation is different. Don't call him though, let him call you. Keep that positivity that you have going on. If you call, you will not be nearly as happy as when he calls you.

 

have you thought OUTSIDE of the box about your ex?

 

Not sure what you mean?

 

have you thought about an outlandish attempt to get her?

 

I've been finding N/C to be the most popular advice. Maybe it'll make her think I have given up, maybe she will start to miss me, I don't know. Outlandish, hahaha, I would do anything to have my ex back in my life, except give up my pride! That is what I did by emailing and telling her I was wanting to wait.

 

i know pain is supposede to go away in time...but i feel like if it doesn't, it means you have not exhausted all of your efforts, options. let's think about this some more...did she tell you she never wanted to see you again?

 

No she never said she didn't want to see me again. She told me the day we broke up that she wanted to move on and to take care of myself, that I'd be fine. She was pissed because I wasn't giving her the time or space she asked for. No reply to an email or to the one text message, I figure she jsut is ignoring me til I go away. Even when I replied that no response gives me hope, cause saying nothing is better than no reply, she didn't type two words, no F*** off. No hope, nothing. The dreaded silent treatment. I'm thinking she has totally moved on. I have thought about this more than some, sucks, last weekend was the bday, this weekend is the holiday...

 

you dn't know at all what's going on in her head!!

 

I certainly don't, I wish I did. I am trying not to think about it. I do anyhow!

[Kate]

though i have contacted me ex for the 3rd time in 2 weeks now, he responded at lightening speed...and you know what happened a few days ago...is it ok i asked him to dinner? i made no other mention of anything else, and didn't ask for a rain check when he responded by telling me exactly what he was doing and that he wouldn't be back till later. he probably expected me to respond. ... and probably expects me to call again for the rest of this weekned. i suppose it should throw him off when i don't , and i imagine he will be feeling alittle lonely tongiht when he does to see the fireworks w/out me on his arm.

[FolderWife]

I don't think your approach works. It looks to me like it would look to him like you are putting up a front. You still want him around, so you haven't moved on one bit.

 

I tried your approacth...to be happy in front of my ex, so he'd want me back, and guess what.....6 months later, I married someone else.

 

If you were GENUINELY trying to be happy with yourself, then he wouldn't be a factor. You are still trying to be happy, for your ex. You are making yourself the person he used to be attracted to. You are making yourself happy for him. You aren't doing any of this for you.

 

Step out of yourself for a minute, and figure out why you want to keep someone who made you so unhappy in the first place.

 

You need romance. YOu need flowers, and a guy who'll fill up your gas tank for you. This guy isn't giving it to you. This guy needs a woman who's happy, and content with HERSELF. You need a guy who's romantic. Why are you changing yourself to suit someone who isn't suitable for you?

 

I reworked myself to be good for my ex, and to be there for the person that I loved, but he needed space and time, not a girlfriend.

 

Then, I met a guy who blew $130 for 3 doz red roses, who gave me a ring the day he asked me to be his girlfriend, and who asked ME what color sports car I'd like to ride in, when he went to buy his sports car.

 

He was asking my input, when I was nothing more than a girlfriend. That's the guy I married, because he met my needs, and I met his.

 

You are not naturally meeting your ex's needs. You are forcing yourself to change. If you get into a relationship with him again, you'll turn back into your old self, and have the same problems.

 

I was able to learn from my break up, and you should be able to learn from yours. I still think about my ex with fond memories, and I wish we could've worked out, because he was a good boyfriend....but in the end, we still broke up....so it wasn't right.

 

You need to GENUINELY move on, and not change yourself into a happy person, because that's what your ex needs. You need to forget all about him, and focus on YOU. Then you will be truely happy, because then, you won't be sitting around every day, thinking, "I'm so freaking positive, how could he not love me "

[Kate]

i hear what you are saying and i am receptive to it. however, I AM doing this for me. i am doing this so that no matter what happens, I will be in the place i want to be. this IS all for me -- because i WASN'T this before, and the relationship taught me that. it taught me things about MYSLEF, not things about him and me. it has made me want to make strides in different areas of my life.

 

i want to be with him, and i think i know what to do to get there. but it has to start with ME, and this time apart is what it's all about. i am trying...hard. i don't like the way things ended. i had too much control over my actions that i totally gave up (the control) and ruined my self image. sometimes you just DO have to take a step back and see your actions. i know that i can either love him enough to accept him for him, or i have to find someone else. but if in the meantime i can make myself happier to -- ASIDE from him -- i can win both ways.

 

the only way for me to see clearly right now is to be positive. monday, i see what you are saying but it's not fully the case here...HOWEVER, that is really important stuff to hear from you and to keep in mind. i have a gut feeling about how to approach things. i don't feel i have tried hard enough, sometimes there is such a thing as losing somethig, knowinng waht you lost, realizing why, and getting it back in a positive way. people do break up and get back together after working on themselves. AND, i'm not the only one working on herself. i have noticed change in him, too. we are both TRYING.

 

i saw him last night at a bar and he told me to call him later if i wanted to grab a bite to eat. i did, and we did. he crashed at my place and we had breakfast. it was like nothing changed -- except i was gaging my attitude better, thinking about my insecurities. listen monday, this is not the first guy i have acted like this with. 50% is ME needing to change in general. the other 50% is timing issues combined with his needs to figure things out for himself and for both of us. in the end, i'm learning about someone very different from me, but who i love very much. i would NEVER compromise my morals or beliefts for another human being, and don't feel i'm doing it here. those close to me agree very much with my approach, as they know me and him.

 

being positive can only truly work if you do it for yourself first --- others around you will simply be infected by it. that's my approach.

[Kate]

just wanted to give everyone an update. i ran into my ex last night and we went for coffee tonight (my idea). i just wanted to say that a really great attitude (not a phony one) goes a long way. for whatever reason, LESS contact has worked to my advantage. all i know is that he is coming around -- how, exactly, i don't know. but it's working. i think it's because we are no longer "labeled" and he doesn't feel pressure, combined with the pressure i am no longer imposing on him. i can see that he WANTS to spend time with me. that he needs me, but doesn't know exactly how to do everything at this moment. i am learning to ease up on things in general, not be so intense, and that it's

OK to contact him if i want to see him. if he doesnt want to see me, he'll say so, right!? it would be apparent in his tone, etc.

 

i think it's important for anyone who talks to their ex and is doing less contact but not neccessarily NC any longer to really practice all of that positive thinking stuff. it's very powerful, and contagioius. to have my guy WANTING to see me again is something i thought would never happen. also NC does work. short or long, (mine was barely 2 weeks), it works and people realize what they had. you don't need to play big games, butyou do need to get yourSELF back on top again. i have been working really hard at this, though today was difficult for some reason. my fear of being left kept creeping in (even though i'm already left!). but things are sliding back to normal. he no longer pulls away as much, cause i'm not smothering him. any opp. you get to speak to your ex is important because it's your chance to show them how good you are inside. this is the ONLY reason my ex is even speaking to me again. i MUST sustain this.

 

he said, "we'll do sometihng later this week" when he dropped me off tonight. that felt so good. even if we don't, at least he said it. i'll leave that up to him now! things have progressed so fast from s.h.i.t to barely bareable now. a month ago he wanted a complete break. it all starts wtih how you act and if you are happy on your own accord. it feels so good to know that i am starting to "get him back" because i am also starting to get myself back. trust me, your ex knows the good you and the weak you. to him right now, i'm leaning toward the good me. and i think he misses me taking care of him. give them time, and show them who's boss when you talk. they are only human....i am keeping my fingers crossed for positive progression. getting there....

[Mollyanna]

Kate: I want to thank you for being so open and honest with your posts. You brought up a lot of points that I hadn't thought about yet. For one, I just realized that I am not the person X was crazy about and pursued in the beginning. I became an extension of him and lost who I really was. And when he started to pull away because I was getting too needy, I just pushed even harder and ultimately caused a major rift between us. We have tried to stay friend in the last 4 months (but still were spending almost every single day together - and just stopped having sex 1 month ago). Yesterday after 3 serious emotional talks in just one week, I realized that I can't be his friend - not right now. I told him goodbye in an email yesterday. One of the most difficult things I have ever done and it is killing me right now to not talk to him already!

 

NC won't be an option for me, but less contact will. I said goodbye in the email but he and I both know we will see each other very soon. We have the same group of friends. We hang out at the same places and have the same activities. What your posts brought me was hope though. I know he is going to miss me. Every time we have tried to stop spending so much time together, it never lasts. But this time I will be strong. And I am going to again become that wonderful person I was before I met him - the one he was so attracted to.

 

I tell myself that I am doing NC so I can get over him - but I think that is only true part of the time. Right now I am very emotional and can't think clearly.

 

Here is a question for all of you who are still reading - there is a ballgame on Thursday where I know everyone on the team (including X). My gal friends and I always go and watch the guys and then EVERYONE meets up at the bar afterwards. do I skip the game? I don't want to miss out on fun experiences because of him - and don't want him to think I am home crying over him (and I am sure I will be). but maybe seeing him this soon won't be such a good idea either - because I will get upset when we don't talk and everyone is there seeing it. A group of four of us (including him) ALWAYS play darts afterwards and he knows how much I love to play. If I don't play, he has won again. Or do I just go to the game and skip the bar and now this all becomes some kind of game and I don't want to be a game player. Or do I just stay home from all of it? Any advice anyone?

[jw32802]

DONT GO. Think if it was reversed....if he didnt show up, you'd be like "aww where is he??? " he thinks you will be there, surprise him!! because you know what, if you're not there, he will be thinking about you...thinking "where is she/shemust be moving on cuz she'd normally come." dont go dont go dont go!!!!!! you will just feel hurt again and it will start all over. dont go to places where he goes for at least 6-8 weeks. buy the book "makeup, dont breakup" by bonnie eaker weil

[Katlady]

Kate, I just read this thread and the similarities between your life right now and mine is interesting! (Plus, I'm a Kate, too!) I was partially dumped (no longer engaged, but he wants us to start over, mostly because he was overwhelmed and needed some space/time). At first, it was horrible, but I didn't have a problem with that and since I love him and believe we are meant to be together, I can be patient and give him some space. Won't lie to you, it hurt like h*** and I've spent a lot of time crying but as each day passes, I become more and more positive about my life and a future life with him. We had a great "first" date Saturday night and both of us had a great time. Your post came at the perfect time for me and you've said it all so much better than I am. I had become so wrapped up in our life together (with a new house that he's living in and wedding plans, etc) that I had let a lot of things go in my own life. Now I'm using the time to get caught up on things: I've lost 19 pounds by restarting my workout routine, I'm not wallowing or sitting around moping; I'm working on my house and doing things I didn't have time to do before. I'm reading an inspirational book now and just read, before reading this thread, about how we can find positive things in the negative happenings in our lives and how that change of attitude can change everything.

 

Some friends are making fun of me for having the patience of a saint and some are telling me I'm nuts for not being angry and bitter, but how can I be? I love him. I believe we'll be back together stronger than ever because of this. And I'm respecting his need for some time and some space and using the time and space he needs to help myself. Like you, Kate, I had invested so much of myself that I wasn't doing the things as much that attracted him to me in the first place. My love told me he needs time to regroup and come back to me, if we're so blessed, as the man he was before our lives got overrun with some major stresses. I'm doing the same, and doing it for me, for him and for us, and it feels great.

 

Good luck Kate! Keep up the positive thoughts!! I'm with you in spirit!!

[breezy]

Kate

I have not heard from you lately and wanted to get the scoop on how you are doing? You and I have so much in common on our situations and I wanted to see how you are handling things.

 

Things here have been good and bad. My ex and I have had somewhat some contact, but basic simple emails, etc. I saw him at the gym last night and he said hello. He really is a good person, just not ready to give me what I deserve right now. He is emotionally not ready for this relationship and does need time to heal from his divorce. I know its for the best but the hardest part is getting back into a routine of being alone and adapting to a new lifestyle without that person in your life. I should not be lonely because I havce SOOO many friends, but its still hard. I hate dating.

[sweetadeline]

Mollyanna,

 

Was browsing the boards and saw your message on this thread, so thought I would respond to you quickly. I know you're going through a really hard time right now, but you should congratulate yourself for putting the focus back where it really needs to be--on yourself. Trust me, I know how hard that is, and I can only imagine how much you've struggled to get there. But I think you nailed it when you said that the whole thing with X had made you different than you were when he first met you--and that you want to recapture that person. Getting that person back is much more important than any relationship, even though it can be so so hard to remember that.

 

Anyway, if it isn't too late to give my thoughts on going to the game, I too think you should skip it. But don't just stay home and wonder what all your friends are doing without you or what X is doing. Use the time to treat yourself to something you really want--a massage (well, that would be my choice right now!), a pedicure, a shopping trip, or dinner and a movie with some of your other friends. That way you can feel that you are not missing out on something, but that you are getting a chance to do something else, something exciting that you might not have created an opportunity to do otherwise.

[Kate]

Hi all,

 

I don't know where to start. Like i posted on monday, i ran into my "ex" sunday night. i had actually sent him a text sat. night that said "want to do dinner 2nite?" he responded in detail why not, he was going with his dad to a bbq and fireworks. it was considerate of him to say exactly what he was doing. it was actually not a premeditated text i sent him, just a burning desire to go after the fireworks of our own we experienced at dinner when he helped me move out of my old house and we went to dinner w/ my dad. it was just an amazing platonic time...that turned into kissing for an hour, but then sex. but that was last wed., then i sent the text and he responded sat. i didnt respond to his text, which was GREAT as far as i am concerned. before i def. would have. so that takes me to sunday night, i weakened, as it was the 4th parties everywhere and i was so sad. i felt like i didn't even belong in town because he's friends with a lot of people, most of which the girls are insanely jealous of me and make comments. i don't care on the outside -- i'm sweet as can be, and can't help it if i wear half shirts with tight jeans. i like to. anyway, i sent him a text (what i mean by weakening) that said "do you want to meet later tonight?" i considered this fine as he had had the last text to me (even though i inititated it). then, as i'm standing outside of a bar, he walks out alone. i was behind a fence, he was on the other side. we were both drunk, but we don't ever act it -- composed, not slurring or acting stupid. we are lucky to be hard to read drunks i guess! anyhow, we had totally normal small talk (it felt just like we were normal friends/dating) and he asked what i was doing after i left the bar and to call him. i asked him if he got my text that night -- he said only the other night and "did you get my response?" i said yes. he said "dinner sounded so great...but i had to go w/ my dad..." then he said that was the last text he got -- which i then realized was true, cause he gets no service at the beach bar we were at. must of gotten it the next am. so i ended up leaving with my friends and going to a party. he was there...and he seemed uncomfoertable....so i follwed him in and he seemed to be all of the sudden avoiding me! so i went up to him and was like "hi..." he's like hey, do you want to take a walk...so we did...and he told me that he felt a little uncomfortable cause one of the girls he's friends with went up to him at the bar we were previously at and waht like "hey, kate ___ is here, and you should see the shirt she's wearing!! he he ..it's like up to her neck...he(rolls eyes)" he finally told me who said it, but i said, "hey, that's of no consequence...i get that everywhere i go! people around here don't travel, don't know better...but are you embarrassed of me?" he said, "is that what you think? no -- in fact, i feel uncomfortable because i cant believe theyre like that...why don't they like you? it's like they pull stuff out of thin air...i don't want to be around that" i told him if HE was uncomfortable, imagine what i deal with!! but that is neither here nor there...basically i'm an outgoing confident girl, extremely considerate, nice and never judgemental. i have done so much work on myself to stay honest positive and maintain serenity. i am forgiving and only see the good in others...but happen to rock some wife-beater type shirts and tight jeans. so what. i like clothes and i work out. kill me!! anyway, most girls (and some guys) have not done half the stuff i have in life and therefore they can't handle it (me). and on top of it all, i always appear in a good mood because people in general make me happy and i'm happy in general!

 

anyway, (had to give some background cause i think that "me" or the idea of me overwhelms my ex in general, though it didn't ever seem to hold him bck from being with me, maybe just "caught in the middle" socially as he wants to fit in -- i'm happy fitting in with any crowd but his extremes are not as far spread as mine) we left and had a great convo in the car. i said, "i want to see you more . (he said "i do too".) i said, look, i know what it is. you have the girl in frotn of you and you want to give her everything but you don't know where ot start. you are overwhelmed, you don't know how to handle tihngs" something like that. it was more specific, more on target but i had a couple drinks so it just flowed. he said, "whateve ryou just rattled off, you hit the nail right on the head!!!" bascially i confirmed everything i have posted here in writing about the way i think he feels inside. he wants to be ready but doesn't know how. so we went back to my place and passed out. the next am we went to eat and then he dropped me off. i should have left thing there though...i didn't, and sent him a text an hour later suggeting a movie. he texted back right away and said he was busy till 8 but sure after that. i said to call me. he called at 8:40 and said he was tired and didn't "think he was going out tonight". i said, "well let's just get coffee or something" i was a little disappointed sounding and maybe pushy, but we did have plans!! he said "ok i can do coffee" i'll be over after i shower. now i KNOw the guy was dead tired and i thought about that after. how i was being selfish cause i wanted him -- and didn't think about how tired he was. but the point is, he knew it was important to me and came anyway. and i didn't push him to stay past the 45 min we were tgoether..we went to the bookstore/coffee store. i picked out a book for him to buy. we had a pleasant time, that was it. but i shouldn't have pushed him to come over after he tried to tell me he was tired...but i am SO used ot being let down, i started reacting...and almost blew it if he said "no" -- i HAVE to watch myself. i put mysel fin a trap --i had gotten too attached again after the previous night and morning. anyway, when he dropped me off, he said"maybe well do somehting this week." i said "ok. .. good nigth..." and we kissed goodnight. also, i forget to mention here that i had asked him if some weekend he wanted to go away jsut for a couple of days. he said sure. maybe that was too pushy...

 

i haven't contacte dhim since, and have actually made plans for the entire weekend an hour away. this is smart. i want to try to dodge his calls now or be less available since every thing has been ok up to this point. some of you may think this is progress, but it's not -- it's not progress until i get myself back. and i was on the verge of a panic attack ALL yesterday and today. i'm glad i made plans for the weeekend.

 

i have to go now but will write later -- i have more more more thoughts and some left out details. let me know what you guys think about htis. i'm trying to keep my head on straight and not get a head of myself. because i still don't think he's ready, he just misses me. i don't want him back cause he misses me or is afraid of losing me. i want him back becaue h'es ready.

[Kate]

ok people -- this was written to another member but you can fill in the blanks. think i'm reaching some kind of understanding within myself, though not sure...hope this helps any of you who feel they were "too good" for their ex but THEY ended up getting the ax!!

 

I'm getting to a point where I am totally fed up. the pain has been so intense lately, I feel panicky and unstable...yet I'm fine on the outside ( remember I do sales ). My friends keep telling me I'm overanalyzing it, I'm way too good for him. And now, I'm starting to believe it. I'm going away for the weekend to the city to spend time with a guy I dated before, but is much more a friend now -- someone who changed my life just by meeting and knowning him. This will be VERY spiritually therapeutic, I'm not looking for a hookup! It will be quality time and I know I will have most of myself back afterwards. I always avoided meeting him earlier because I didn't want to open up pandora's box or something -- but who cares.

 

I don't know if you've been following my posts or not -- read them cause it's fills in all the details. Well, the last time I talked to my ex was monday after tea at barnes and nobles. he said, "maybe we'll do something this week". whatever.

 

today i started realizing something and actually feeling bad..for him...i think he is really intimidated somehow. like what the others were saying in their posts. but instead of feeling bad for me, for a SECOND i felt bad for him. and...decided to call to do something tonight. i sent him a text and this time he CALLED me back. maybe he's realizing i don't care as much anymore...i don't sound nervous, etc. cause i'm so beyond it. it's more of a personal challenge at this pont, but i also still love him. i'm trying to understand the situation. so tonight we are going for drinks. the more i think about it, he was like a deer in headlights. i don't know why he didn't do more for me...the ONLY thing i can think of is that he was so overwhelmed by me he didn't know WHAT to do. i reversed the situation...i was once chased down the street by Tyson Beckford -- (i assume you know who he is). he asked me for my # and i gave it to him. he called me an hour later and continued for the next 3 weeks...inviting to fly me to see him, etc. i said, "listen tyson, I don't know you...and you don't know me...if you want to meet again, you'll have to fly here. and i'm not into dating or sleeping with anyone right now". he flew down to FL the next weekend where i lived last year. we went out, and although i don't care who he is, it WAS wierd being courted around by this rich, HOT man. (boy i think). we went out and all eyes were on him..but on me too...and i wasn't giving him all the attention. he was puzzled, but at the end of the eveing asked me to go to the beach the next day. i didn't know what to do...i was nervous...i said "maybe"...and slept till 4pm the next day! to make a long story short, he was put off by me (but he's a tool) and i didn't know quite what to do. it's what happens when you are nervous. it also happened to me when i met and hung out with Derek Jeter and some Yankees (i have been very star-crossed somehow, all perfect gentlemen nonetheless!!) and while hanging out with them privately, VIP'd the whole way, though i acted like i fit in perfectly, i didn't know what to do or think. i think the same goes for my ex. we are different in every department of life. but i think since he didn't know what to do, he just DIDN'T -- and that created arguments, he felt he created a self-fulfilling prophecy that he WASN'T good enough, he split for time and space. simple.

 

what are your thoughts on that? anyway, we are going for a drink tonight. he warms my heart, but i'm about fed up. i don't think he'll ever initiate any plans. but i am noticing that as he realizies i may not care as much, he seems more interested. f.u.c.k.e.d up. no?

[breezy]

Your putting a lot of risk out there by the contacting thing, but I assume you know your heart and his too and will do what YOU feel is best and at the best time. One day you hate him and the other you are thiking twice. I know how that goes, I go through one emtion to the next in the snap. Its weird, something that I have never felt. You can "hate" someone one day and miss them and love them and want them back the next. I have NO contact with my Ex and have decided that is the best and only way to move on. If we have to discuss anything thing like mail at the house or clothes left at the house, etc...we do it via email. I think if they know you don't "hate" them and are moving on, them might have different perspective of things. I always told him I could not ever stand losing him and that I would not know what on earth I would do (remember I am almost 30 here so I have a lot of dating experiences I think), but I swore he was the one. But ya know what....I do know what I will do without him - MOVE ON!!! No contact. They know that the door is always open sorta speak if they need to talk or to say hello or whatever but STOP initiating the conversations Kate. PLEASE??? It might really make difference.

[Kate]

well last night went incredibly well. although I have been the initiating everything, contacting him, he has been receptive and caring enough to take me up on each offer. we had a long, deep convo. last night that was also lighthearted and sincere.

 

basically, he DOES just want time -- he said that he wants to work things out, that he just wants to wait until he 1)moves out of his house 2)feels stable in general 3)feels like himSELF again.

 

to me, this makes sense. sometimes our ex's are really going through personal stuff...and when YOu take it personally, it just makes things worse. they feel even more distant. but it's important to find out exactly WHAT is going on, because you COULD be waiting forever. i asked a lot of non-trheatening but direct questions last night. we talked for a whole 3 hours and had a great time. he said there is no one who holds a candle to me, that when he's out he looks at other girls and they don't compare. he said that he was so distant, etc. in the relatinship because although he wasn't ready deep down and didn't have any sense of self or stability, that he didn't know if/when he'd ever get the chance to be with me again. he said he's afraid about the fact that i said i could meet someone else during this time apart (NC), and i told him that i only wanted him back when he was ready -- not because he was scared of losing me. this is the wrong reason. so at least i know he does want me. i think i'll give it a month or so before he feels much better...but now things are progressing wonderfully. he is a very sincere person. this alleviated a lot of my anxiety and worry...however things COULD go awry again. i HAVE to respect his space, not call him, etc. he said he feels a LITTLE pressured if i ask him things about holding my hand, etc. and why he doesn't do it. i guess he wants to distinguish SOME boundary for himself...though he sat very close to me and touched me a lot. he then brought up the weekend getaway i asked him about...he said, "so next weekend...what do you want to do?" i said, "listen, it was just a suggestion, i thought it would be fun...i don't want you to feel pressured" he said, "you didn't bring it up, i did. i wouldn't have if i felt pressured. i thought about it and think it's a great idea". i think at least it will allow us to connect together on another level. due to the fact that our romance was only 6 mos. but our friendship much longer, it could help.

 

i can only thank the progress to 1) a degree of NC RIGHT in the beginning 2) me proving to him that i was capable of having a friendship with him 3) focusing so much on myself that he saw ME again -- not a needy relationship person 4) truly understanding his needs.

 

so, to life people's spirits here, when a s/o says they needs space or time, sometimes they REALLY NEED it. it's a natural human element to feel overwhelmed or pressured. love does not conquer all, and there are no rules in heartbreak just like there are no rules in getting back together. anything can happen. you just have to make sure you focus on yourself enought to know that the second you have yourSELF back, things fall into place.

 

who knows, he may not be "the one" for me. but my heart is with him right now, and now that things are "understood", i won't ruin them. i will wait as long as i can for the balance to return to the relationship.

 

comments? i really had an amazing time last night. with patience and self-focus/respect i think anyone can do this. perception is reality.

[breezy]

Kate

I hate to admit this....but I DO think you are correct. I DO think that people who have complications in there life do need to take time to step back and figure things out on there OWN. I do think also that men tend to do this more often then women do. No offense to you men. My dad is a Psycologist and he is always trying to give me that Dr. adive (most of the time I tell him to just be my father and not my therapist). But, I do agree with you. Just make sure you are aware that things could go a different way than you are wanting and he could very well decide to make it a permanant thing.