Stoneman70 Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 For those of you who have or were in affairs for years...how do you do it? How are you not stressed out to the point you can't stand it? How do you go each day knowing they arent really yours? With S, I couldn't stand the thought of her with her husband. It was very hard for me. The ferlings i felt were so strong every day was a struggle knowing she wasn't with me...when I was with her, I was so unbelievably happy, but as soon as she left, i was reminded she wasn't my wife. She was his wife. She was moving overseas and would soon be gone. I guess I dealt with my pain by moving overseas too. I tried to get her to stay, but she was moving. Anyway, I just can't imagine going on even a year with not having her as all mine all the time. When I knew it wasn't going to happen,I left. If I didn't, I would have suffered 4 more months until she left. All I wanted was her. So, how do u live each day knowing they aren't yours..and for years?
MissBee Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 I could only do it for a little over two years before the limitations became too much. If he's mine, I don't want any other woman out there thinking he's hers, I don't want any other woman out their with papers saying so and I don't want ANY kind of secrets or "complications". I just wanted a normal relationship where he is mine in every light, every angle, to everyone, his family, mine, his friends, mine, in ever city, every town, to anyone who asks. I didn't want to have to explain anything to myself or anyone else anymore, wonder about anything or plan around his "other life". I've been in an A and normal relationships...there is a huge difference and frankly, I preferred the dynamic of the normal relationship more than the A. The A couldn't go on forever for me...that was an unsustainable situation. I'm young, I have my life ahead of me, I want to get married and have kids and all that, so an everlasting A would be a pointless venture and me stunting my life. 2
Ducky23 Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 I know he's mine. He spends more time with me than her, he shares more with me. We're very open and he knows that sometimes it hurts. Honestly it drives me nuts when he's with her and not me. It's been 16 months. I don't know how I do it. Sometimes it's just one day at a time. Others it doesn't faze me. But our R has been strong from the start.
SoMovinOn Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 For those of you who have or were in affairs for years...how do you do it? How are you not stressed out to the point you can't stand it? How do you go each day knowing they arent really yours? I've never thought anyone was mine. Relationships exist for some reason, they exist on different terms. I've had R's with single women I only saw once or twice a year (because of our jobs, or locations). I spend time with MOW nearly every day. We have more time together than I've had in many R's with single women. ... so ... I don't get stressed. Our R is exactly what it is. We both knew what it was when we started. If it was something that was going to bother or stress me, I wouldn't have gotten involved in the first place.
Silly_Girl Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 My patience ran out over a number of months. 4 months after meeting I decided that although I'd never felt like that about anyone, if there was to be no future in it I'd have to move on. I was utterly rubbish at being an AP. I demanded things, demanded he tell his wife, I wanted to make plans and do things and felt I deserved that despite his situation. I wasn't jealous of his wife but I hated the deceit and I wanted to be a couple with him in every sense of the word. At family occasions etc. Whilst I'm glad I persevered I'm pretty sure I'd never end up in a similar scenario again.
Radagast Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 For those of you who have or were in affairs for years...how do you do it? How are you not stressed out to the point you can't stand it? How do you go each day knowing they arent really yours? I was hers, completely, and to the extent that she was anyone's, she was mine. Even when my body was physically elsewhere, my heart was still with her, and hers with me. It was that security that helped us until we could be together all the time.
Author Stoneman70 Posted June 21, 2012 Author Posted June 21, 2012 My patience ran out over a number of months. 4 months after meeting I decided that although I'd never felt like that about anyone, if there was to be no future in it I'd have to move on. I was utterly rubbish at being an AP. I demanded things, demanded he tell his wife, I wanted to make plans and do things and felt I deserved that despite his situation. I wasn't jealous of his wife but I hated the deceit and I wanted to be a couple with him in every sense of the word. At family occasions etc. Whilst I'm glad I persevered I'm pretty sure I'd never end up in a similar scenario again. This is how I felt...it was 7 months for us....and ive never had feelings like I do for S, but i knew we couldn't be together....so I knew it had to end. its not what i wanted at all, but what could i do, ya know?
Silly_Girl Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 This is how I felt...it was 7 months for us....and ive never had feelings like I do for S, but i knew we couldn't be together....so I knew it had to end. its not what i wanted at all, but what could i do, ya know? I do understand. I was literally in shreds at times.
woinlove Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 This is how I felt...it was 7 months for us....and ive never had feelings like I do for S, but i knew we couldn't be together....so I knew it had to end. its not what i wanted at all, but what could i do, ya know? You could have told your W you wanted a divorce so you would be free to be with the OW. That's what the MM I was with did and that's what many people do who want to be with someone else. It was your choice, and you did what you wanted, so not sure why you say "what could i do". 3
theSilliestFairy Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 I don't know how did it. Maybe my kids were my distraction? I was in our A for 14 months but I was coming to the end of my tolerance. I had ended my own marriage 8 months in - even after 4 months I was tying myself in knots - so essentially I became the OW! I got a taster of how it felt to be powerless and have to accept his family holiday and xmas as a single woman. F**ing awful! I lost a shed load of weight, I was angry at the world and I hated the person I'd become. When I look back at 2010, I just feel sick that I allowed myself to become so miserable. I told DP (MM) that I was going to end it in March 2011 if he hadn't left her and he was shocked that I wouldn't have waited for him forever. I just said that I was stronger than him - and I am. I look after ME. The thing that go me and DP admits this now - was the uncertainty he caused me; telling me with one breath that he adored me yet was absolutely torn because he didn't want to leave his daughter. He says frequently that he should have grown some balls but we can't go back in time so we have to accept that his hand was forced by fate. The only thing that consoles me is that once the affair was found out, he didn't beg for her forgiveness. He NEVER saw returning as an option because it would have meant rekindling a relationship - emotional and physical - with a woman he didn't love. So yes he was a coward, but he was always mine.
Author Stoneman70 Posted June 21, 2012 Author Posted June 21, 2012 How could I have been with S when she told me she wasn't going to leave her husband and that we shouldn't talk anymore? Plus her move to Asia....we literally couldn't be together. Even if I did divorce, she wouldn't be mine.
woinlove Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 How could I have been with S when she told me she wasn't going to leave her husband and that we shouldn't talk anymore? Plus her move to Asia....we literally couldn't be together. Even if I did divorce, she wouldn't be mine. Some MW/MW say they will leave the M, but then do not. Some say they want to stay married, but then end up divorcing because their feelings change. In the end, it is the actions that matter and that make things happen or not. If you took action and moved to divorce your W during the months you were involved with the MW, maybe she would have done the same. Or maybe not. You may think you would leave your M if the MW had left hers first. You may think if you had left yours, the MW would not leave hers. But, I don't see how you can know any of that for sure. What you know for sure is that both of you made the decision to stay married. You can't control MW's actions, but you can control yours. If you are not happy with the decisions you made, you have the opportunity to change things. If you want, you can divorce and then pursue MW and see if she will divorce too. Maybe she will, maybe she won't. I think it is not possible to know with certainty while you remain married yourself.
FelicityShot Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 For those of you who have or were in affairs for years...how do you do it? How are you not stressed out to the point you can't stand it? How do you go each day knowing they arent really yours? With S, I couldn't stand the thought of her with her husband. It was very hard for me. The ferlings i felt were so strong every day was a struggle knowing she wasn't with me...when I was with her, I was so unbelievably happy, but as soon as she left, i was reminded she wasn't my wife. She was his wife. She was moving overseas and would soon be gone. I guess I dealt with my pain by moving overseas too. I tried to get her to stay, but she was moving. Anyway, I just can't imagine going on even a year with not having her as all mine all the time. When I knew it wasn't going to happen,I left. If I didn't, I would have suffered 4 more months until she left. All I wanted was her. So, how do u live each day knowing they aren't yours..and for years? Nobody is yours. If someone commits to you, you should treasure what that means every day. But it is always a positive affirmation, not an ownership. That's how As work - they know the truth that a questioning in the R to the degree that another R is possible in a climate which doesn't accept such things - means positive affirmation ain't there. For years? Patience or foolishness. Time would tell.
Recommended Posts