infinity8245 Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 Hi everyone. I need to rant a bit about my situation. Me (25 M) and her (25 F) met a couple months ago through mutual friends and we really hit it off. We got along great, had an easy time talking to each other, really enjoyed each other's company, and altogether just clicked. More so than either of us had ever "clicked" with anyone else we had been in a relationship before. What's more, we both shared an instant and very strong trust of the other person, which actually was an odd thing for both of us because we both have difficulty trusting other people because of what has happened to us in the past. Given the short time frame that we knew each other, we weren't officially in a relationship per se, but were definitely dating and having a wonderful time. Nothing had ever felt so...right. There was a lot of promise in something between us, and we felt that a ton of good that could come of it. Anyways, things had kind of come to the point where they were plateauing in the sense that something needed to happen. Either we made a commitment to enter a relationship or we parted ways. So, a little while ago I brought it up and at that point she wasn't quite ready to make that decision. She had some emotion baggage from a past relationship (more on that later) that she didn't want to drag me into because, her, like myself, felt that there was something really special between us and didn't want to screw that up. In any case, we both really liked each other and were very attracted to each other, and decided to stay the course for the moment. After that discussion we shared an amazing kiss and embrace and she told me thank you for sticking it out with her and that she wanted it to work out. Well last Saturday, we met up after she got off of work to talk about where she was at with things. I guess about 2-3 months ago, she got out of a mind**** relationship with an ex of two years and while she was at a point where she was able to date, the fact that things were getting serious freaked her out. She was feeling hung up on her ex, and wasn't exactly sure why. And wasn't exactly sure what happened when things were going so well and we were both happy and excited. And I wasn't the type of guy that she just wasn't the type of guy that she just wanted to have a fling with or rebound with...that she wanted something substantial to come of us, and that she wasn't able to give that at this point. But all that being said, still had the attraction to me and desire for things to work and thought that so much good could come out of it...just...timing. F***ing timing. It was werid...in some ways she seemed more upset about the situation than I was. She was crying and beating herself up over the fact that she wanted us to work but her baggage was getting in the way for the moment. Really, the situation just sucked. It's almost as if the fact that things were so good is what caused the problem. And that timing in when we met because she was still feeling hung up on her ex was the only thing getting in the way. So at this point, she said it's probably best that we stop being involved for a while, while she figures things out. She wanted desperately for me to still be in her life in the meantime, but I told her that I wasn't going to be around for that and be a friend, because I felt that we crossed the threshold where I'd be okay with that. Especially given the fact that if we still both wanted to be together, continuing to hang out would be messy, difficult, and altogether just make things harder. And then we talked about meeting up in a few weeks/months to chat, and I let her know my stance on things. I said that I see two outcomes for us: we either date and enter into a relationship, or we don't and we're not friends. Simple as that. She agreed and we understand that any future communication would have to start with a dialog about us. And she said, hey if you want to talk, please contact me and I said I would, but more importantly that if SHE wanted to, she should contact ME. She knows where I stand. Really, what sucks is that there's no reason to be mad at her. She didn't string me along...as soon as she got freaked out, she talked to me about it. And it's not like I don't get it. I do. I got out of a four year relationship last August, and I remember what it was like. In all honesty, I was a little freaked out too...the fact that things were so good and felt so right was weird. But I was just in a place where I'm more able to deal with those feelings because I've had the time to get over my past relationship and be ready for something more serious. In any case, I don't feel like I misplaced my trust, because her not stringing me along in a way proves that I was right to place my trust in her. And like I said, there's no reason to be mad, and as much as I want to be, I can't be. It's not so much that this is upsetting as it is disappointing. And not so much depressing as it is just sad. What's weird though is that this didn't last that long and it's affecting me more than I thought it would. It seems like given the short time frame, this shouldn't be that bad, and yet, I feel as if I'm mourning a loss. I haven't cried over this, but a part of me really wants to, and I don't know why. She is an amazing girl and we really had a great connection. We both felt it. There was something special there. The worst part is that having been through multiple breakups of serious relationships in the past, things are almost easier in the sense that there was something clearly wrong and something that clearly wasn't working. This situation doesn't have those things. Quite the contrary. A million things that are good and right, and a mutual desire, except for one BIG but. One of my good friends (female) said this to me: "Well, I understand what she's doing because I know what it's like to be in that situation, and in all honestly I would probably do the same thing. But, I still think she's dumb, and if this ends up losing you for good, this she's a f***ing moron." Anyways, that's my rant. If you made it this far, thanks for reading. If you have anything to say, insight, outside perspective, or whatever, I'd greatly appreciate it.
Chi townD Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 Yep! stick by your convictions. Go total NC on her. She's got to figure this one out. But, she's never going to if she has you to run to anytime she needs someone to make her feel better. That's not fair to either of you. Go NC and stay there. She made this choice. Not you. 1
Author infinity8245 Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 Thanks. I'm actually proud of myself that I told her I wouldn't be around while she was figuring this out. Not long ago, I think I would've been a doormat. I think NC is the right way to go. She needs to figure out how to stop being hung up and she needs to do that by herself, and I understand that. It seems like there's still a lot of potential for something between us, but I'm not going to hold my breath or put my life on hold waiting around. If/when she's ready, maybe I'm available, maybe I'm not, and maybe I changed my mind. Who knows?
Author infinity8245 Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 Also, I guess what I'm asking is for advice and insight from people who have been on either side of a situation like this. It's confusing and just...weird. I'm not quite sure what to do or what to think.
k100danny Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 The thing here is whatever you do probably won't change things so it is best although very hard to try and occupy your mind and not use "what if" thinking as that is not productive at all. If she wasn't in the right place to commit it may happen in the future but if you are hanging around while she figures out this I pretty sure it would never happen. I know you think you connected better than you had with anyone before but this is quite a common way of feeling in a new relationship (not always of course) but if you feel a good match then it can feel like nothing before and you will feel this way again. I'm not saying it's definitely over it may not be but you are right to not be a doormat and let her figure this out. The length of time does have some things to do with relationships but as you say you were at an early stage and very very into her so it's more about what you hoped to get from the relationship and when that doesnt happen it can hurt badly. I have been in very short relationships only a couple of months and one of those was probably the hardest i ever took a break up. Don't beat yourself up about it and try and take things as they come and proceed with caution.
Jose11 Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 She knows where you stand. She has to be the one to take the first move. If she doesn't go in willingly and comfortably, then she will flake soon. Perhaps in the future you might meet again when she is ready, but don't count on it. Just live for now and if she shows up again, who knows what you'll feel then. maybe you'll be in a relationship with someone who is ready to be in one. Best of luck to you.
Author infinity8245 Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 You're right. I'm going to move along like nothing is ever going to happen and continue living my life. In my opinion, no one and I mean NO ONE is worth putting my life on hold for. In the mean time I've still got wonderful friends, a band that I love playing in, rock climbing as an amazing (and time consuming) hobby, and just started a new job that I LOVE. Small victories, every day.
Ruby65 Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 Thanks. I'm actually proud of myself that I told her I wouldn't be around while she was figuring this out. Not long ago, I think I would've been a doormat. I think NC is the right way to go. She needs to figure out how to stop being hung up and she needs to do that by herself, and I understand that. It seems like there's still a lot of potential for something between us, but I'm not going to hold my breath or put my life on hold waiting around. If/when she's ready, maybe I'm available, maybe I'm not, and maybe I changed my mind. Who knows? Agreed -- all you need to do is go immediately to NC and stick with it unless and until you hear from your ex that she's made a huge mistake and wants to get back together. It's really hard -- but really simple. We all want to think that our situation is unique.... but ultimately it comes down to that for whatever reason they're just not that into us! Nobody breaks up with anyone they think is The One. Nobody breaks up with anybody they're head-over-heels in love with. And do we WANT to be with anyone who doesn't see us that way -- ? Hell no. We all deserve to be The One. It doesn't take "time apart" to figure out if someone is The One.... that's something you just KNOW -- and if she's asking for a break, she's trying to let you down easy. So I say, keep your dignity and go No Contact and hold firm. Whatever BS your ex needs to "figure out" will happen in your absence, as it should. That's not your problem. Focus on YOU and your awesome life and if your ex comes crawling back, deal with her issues then!
barese1 Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 You're right. I'm going to move along like nothing is ever going to happen and continue living my life. In my opinion, no one and I mean NO ONE is worth putting my life on hold for. In the mean time I've still got wonderful friends, a band that I love playing in, rock climbing as an amazing (and time consuming) hobby, and just started a new job that I LOVE. Small victories, every day. Infinity8245, I feel a lot of connection with some of the things you said. I love this quote, keep at it mate thats the right mindset for what you need right now
Author infinity8245 Posted June 20, 2012 Author Posted June 20, 2012 Agreed -- all you need to do is go immediately to NC and stick with it unless and until you hear from your ex that she's made a huge mistake and wants to get back together. It's really hard -- but really simple. We all want to think that our situation is unique.... but ultimately it comes down to that for whatever reason they're just not that into us! Nobody breaks up with anyone they think is The One. Nobody breaks up with anybody they're head-over-heels in love with. And do we WANT to be with anyone who doesn't see us that way -- ? Hell no. We all deserve to be The One. It doesn't take "time apart" to figure out if someone is The One.... that's something you just KNOW -- and if she's asking for a break, she's trying to let you down easy. So I say, keep your dignity and go No Contact and hold firm. Whatever BS your ex needs to "figure out" will happen in your absence, as it should. That's not your problem. Focus on YOU and your awesome life and if your ex comes crawling back, deal with her issues then! Thanks for your candid response. I think it's good to hear those things and process them as I will. When we spoke, I was insistent that she was just trying to let me down easy, or something to that effect and demanded that she be honest with me about everything because I wanted/deserved to know. She was insistent that she wasn't trying to sugar-coat things for my benefit and truly only had roadblocks in her own head about commitment. I'm still trying to decide what I think. I want to believe her, and maybe she's really telling the truth. In any case that doesn't change what happened. It was too early on to know for me to know if she was "the one" and vise versa. And additionally, it was too early for us to be in love with each other. Completely infatuated? Sure. But there's a difference. What she was really giving up was great potential. Is it gone? I don't know. Only time will tell.
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