ThaWholigan Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 I'm curious about this, as it seems that since I have been here, and especially in the last few days, I've encountered some interesting views about things. This might be a bit of a ramble, but I have to get something off my chest. I'm a naturally optimistic person. Even at my darkest hour, I will see the silver lining in things. Does that make me overly-positive? No, it doesn't. I am well aware of pretty much every dark element in life and in dating, in fact I am often drawn towards it with fascination. I am realistic in that I expect bad things to happen every now and then, or conflicts and clashes etc. This is a given, and not to be scoffed at and to be taken seriously if called for it. Now, there is this notion that if you subscribe to the viewpoint that one shouldn't allow negativity to color the majority of your view on life and yourself, it means you are too optimistic or too positive, and not realistic. What does this mean? I'm genuinely confused. I understand that one must be aware and have a level of caution in most things, but when did it become a problem to have a positive view on life and dating? 1
Philosoraptor Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 Be positive. I look at it as the worst that can happen is I have my heart broken, and I know I can heal as I have many times before. Just do what feels right and what makes you happy. If you're not a match you're not a match. No biggie. 1
Ross MwcFan Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 People don't like the idea of being so unrealistic that they're not living in the real world anymore. Personally I find the idea of myself not living in the real world anymore to be quite disturbing. There's also the fact that being unrealistically positive will lead to a lot of disapointment. 1
Anela Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 I would much rather have my optimism back. I enjoyed life more when it was an intrinsic part of my personality, rather than an occasional visitor. 2
Els Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 It isn't bad!!!! Don't ever let anyone else tell you that. Being happy is the greatest gift you can give yourself. If people aren't happy themselves and can't stand seeing others happy, well, too bad for them. 1
Author ThaWholigan Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 Be positive. I look at it as the worst that can happen is I have my heart broken, and I know I can heal as I have many times before. Just do what feels right and what makes you happy. If you're not a match you're not a match. No biggie. I'm always positive People don't like the idea of being so unrealistic that they're not living in the real world anymore. Personally I find the idea of myself not living in the real world anymore to be quite disturbing. There's also the fact that being unrealistically positive will lead to a lot of disapointment. I understand you Ross. This is another point though. Another of our more vocal posters here has often said that were they to shift to a more positive mindset, it would render them "delusional". That's f*cking ridiculousness in my opinion. Nobody in their absolute sane mind would recommend someone be excessively optimistic beyond all comprehension, that's retarded. The point is to have acceptance of the disappointments in life and deal with them accordingly. The point is to not allow yourself to wallow in the misery of it all. This is what I do for myself. It's one thing to be realistic, be upset or even a little cynical every now and then. It's another to have a completely pessimistic view of the world, all the time, round the clock.
Ross MwcFan Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 I also think that when being more realistic, it can allow you to work with your limitations, which will then give you a more positive outcome(s). 1
Author ThaWholigan Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 I also think that when being more realistic, it can allow you to work with your limitations, which will then give you a more positive outcome(s). What is the difference between being realistic, and being overly cynical and pessimistic?
AD1980 Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 Im actually a pretty positive person also in most aspects im also a realistic in my strengths and weaknesses..i was never good at science dont pretend to be..im not good at attracting women dont pretend to be.. Dating and attracting the opposite sex is the one area the advice given is to somehow have blind faith and confidence in your abilities even if your extremely poor at it...
FitChick Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 If a date doesn't go well, tell yourself you are one person closer to Mr or Ms Right.
Ross MwcFan Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 I'm always positive I understand you Ross. This is another point though. Another of our more vocal posters here has often said that were they to shift to a more positive mindset, it would render them "delusional". That's f*cking ridiculousness in my opinion. Nobody in their absolute sane mind would recommend someone be excessively optimistic beyond all comprehension, that's retarded. The point is to have acceptance of the disappointments in life and deal with them accordingly. The point is to not allow yourself to wallow in the misery of it all. This is what I do for myself. It's one thing to be realistic, be upset or even a little cynical every now and then. It's another to have a completely pessimistic view of the world, all the time, round the clock. I agree. If bad things happen to you, or you're in a bad place in life, there's nothing wrong with aknowledging it, looking for the silver lining in things and remaining happy, instead of always focsuing on the negatives and feeling sorry for yourself, and focusing on the chance that things could turn around, or working towards giving yourself a better chance of things turning around. That's being realistically positive. And I'm working on myself to have that kind of a mindset. In fact my mindset is a lot more like that than it used to be. I also believe that having this kind of mindset can/will attract more positive things into your life. I just don't like the idea of for example, thinking you're very attractive, when in fact you are very ugly, or that there's no such thing as anyone being ugly. That's just being deluded, and can make people look quite silly. That's when someone is living in 'happy happy land' and aren't really with us anymore. 1
d'Arthez Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 I am not a naturally positive person by any stretch of the imagination - so many things are messed up in this world. I have suffered quite badly after my breakup. I certainly would not lay that on the door of my ex. Or myself for that matter. It sucks when people whom you consider to be friends blatantly refuse to make just a tiny effort to respond to my calls and emails - people whom I have known for years. I certainly lost myself somewhat while I was in my previous relationship, so I am now more aware of when things are "wrong". On the bright side, I find it easier to keep people out of my life who are a toxic influence. I do not see why I should let the negativity creep into my personal dealings with people. One of the reasons why I did not really attempted to date since the breakup is just that: I did not want to offer a rather pained version of myself to others. Not only would that have been a waste of time, it would also have led to more resentment on my parts as well as the unfortunate women with who I would have spent time. What applies to people in general applies even more specifically to people with whom you'd potentially like to spend a lot of time with, or even have an intimate relationship with. 2
Ross MwcFan Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 I was just going to add to my last post, that some pessimistic people on the board though, are just as unrealistic. In fact I have been this way myself.
Author ThaWholigan Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 I agree. If bad things happen to you, or you're in a bad place in life, there's nothing wrong with aknowledging it, looking for the silver lining in things and remaining happy, instead of always focsuing on the negatives and feeling sorry for yourself, and focusing on the chance that things could turn around, or working towards giving yourself a better chance of things turning around. That's being realistically positive. And I'm working on myself to have that kind of a mindset. In fact my mindset is a lot more like that than it used to be. I also believe that having this kind of mindset can/will attract more positive things into your life. I just don't like the idea of for example, thinking you're very attractive, when in fact you are very ugly, or that there's no such thing as anyone being ugly. That's just being deluded, and can make people look quite silly. That's when someone is living in 'happy happy land' and aren't really with us anymore. Well, that may be a source of contention, but I feel that thinking you are somewhat attractive is much better than thinking of yourself as ugly. The only way it will help you, is if you accept and become comfortable with the idea that you are "very ugly", rather than be miserable and want to kill yourself because of it. This is the crux of the issue to me. I don't know if I can relate, but wouldn't you rather see your own appearance in a more positive light? Or at the very least be more accepting of your physical appearance to counter the impending doom of "being ugly"??
iris219 Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 You can be happy and positive without being optimistic. I think it's best to be realistic and honest about your situation, but accepting of that reality. I KNOW there is little to no chance I will ever get married or have children. I doubt I'll ever even find a relationship, but I'm making peace with that. I'd rather focus on accepting my reality vs. allowing myself to believe a fantasty. That way I can make other goals and try to find other things in my life that are almost as important as having a family. I need to work on developing a replacement dream for the dream that isn't going to happen, and blind optimistism wouldn't allow this (it would, in fact, prevent it, I think).
Emilia Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 I think the issue is that a lot of people mix up optimistic or positive with naive. Being naive is not a good thing, I think you should always have your eyes wide open. For example, you should pay attention what the other person is telling you, don't believe for one second that you can change them. The same goes for the difference between realistic and cynical. It's realistic to say that I won't marry Prince Harry, saying that most men don't want to settle down is cynical. 1
Ross MwcFan Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 Well, that may be a source of contention, but I feel that thinking you are somewhat attractive is much better than thinking of yourself as ugly. The only way it will help you, is if you accept and become comfortable with the idea that you are "very ugly", rather than be miserable and want to kill yourself because of it. This is the crux of the issue to me. I don't know if I can relate, but wouldn't you rather see your own appearance in a more positive light? Or at the very least be more accepting of your physical appearance to counter the impending doom of "being ugly"?? Yeah I mean that's true, if it's a choice between knowing you're ugly and feeling so bad that you want to kill yourself, or believeing you're attractive and being deluded, then it's better to be deluded and to feel happy, that's how I'd rather be if I only had those two choices. Personally though, I would want to see my appearance in a realistic light, and to accept it if it's very ugly and carry on enjoying life anyway. 1
AD1980 Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 Well, that may be a source of contention, but I feel that thinking you are somewhat attractive is much better than thinking of yourself as ugly. The only way it will help you, is if you accept and become comfortable with the idea that you are "very ugly", rather than be miserable and want to kill yourself because of it. This is the crux of the issue to me. I don't know if I can relate, but wouldn't you rather see your own appearance in a more positive light? Or at the very least be more accepting of your physical appearance to counter the impending doom of "being ugly"?? But the only reason i really want to be somewhat attractive is not vanity but to attract a member of the opposite sex..im not gonna say no part of it is ego but the biggest part is to find somebody.. So if i believe im attractive or whatever great but if nobody else does that doesnt help my plight in finding someone to be with which is why its somewhat important to me in the first place..
Author ThaWholigan Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 But the only reason i really want to be somewhat attractive is not vanity but to attract a member of the opposite sex..im not gonna say no part of it is ego but the biggest part is to find somebody.. So if i believe im attractive or whatever great but if nobody else does that doesnt help my plight in finding someone to be with which is why its somewhat important to me in the first place.. I understand all of that, but what I'm asking is, can you become comfortable with the idea of being unattractive and proceed from there without projecting a bitterness about how one looks?
Woggle Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 It's because we don't live in a happy world so people who are pollyanna types don't see the world for how it is.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 I'm a naturally optimistic person. Even at my darkest hour, I will see the silver lining in things. Does that make me overly-positive? No, it doesn't. I am well aware of pretty much every dark element in life and in dating, in fact I am often drawn towards it with fascination. I am realistic in that I expect bad things to happen every now and then, or conflicts and clashes etc. This is a given, and not to be scoffed at and to be taken seriously if called for it. I really relate to everything in your post, ThaWholigan! In my 20s, some bitter people accused me of being "Pollyanna" about life. They said I was just ignoring the bad things I'd been through. My last boyfriend, who was a great guy but was plagued by a lot of fear and cynicism, insisted I was wearing "rose-colored glasses", and made it his business to remove them. I didn't see it that way. I think I was mustering all the strength I could to fight my demons and beat them. For me, there was no other choice. Still, I went through a phase after my last breakup when I consciously focused on and studied the dark parts of the world. This phase lasted about 3 years. It was very educational, but it was hard, and dark, and somewhat stagnant. It's only since I've risen out of that phase, back to the light, that I'm really enjoying life and feeling like myself again. I've been approaching dating with full confidence and optimism. I'm smart about it, but I don't get in my own way with a lot of negative thinking. And last weekend, I met a great guy who I'm very excited about. We've only been on one date, so it's way too early to know if it will have staying power - but I feel good about the situation, wherever it goes. I am a born idealist and optimist. What has been key for me is maturing to the point where I realize that people do not often reach their ideals - but the important thing is the continuous striving to reach them. This is the real beauty of humanity, in my opinion. If you are a born idealist and optimist, I think you are blessed. And no matter what, I think anyone can learn to be more positive and optimistic. Think about it - one of the FEW things we can control in this world is our own thoughts. And your thoughts absolutely shape your reality. 3
Author ThaWholigan Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 It's because we don't live in a happy world so people who are pollyanna types don't see the world for how it is. Who is to say that a happy person doesn't see the world as it is? I dislike this argument, as it puts forth the idea that anybody who is remotely happy is naive or ignorant to "the reality of life". Such BS in my opinion. I may choose to be happy, but that doesn't mean I choose to be ignorant of the dark side of life. In fact, I'm more drawn to it than most people I know. 2
AD1980 Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 I understand all of that, but what I'm asking is, can you become comfortable with the idea of being unattractive and proceed from there without projecting a bitterness about how one looks? Well it doesnt effect my whole life when im doing something i like or with friends who dont judge me on that it doesnt bother me at all nor do i think about it.. In the dating realm where i feel it is a big part of why i cant get women id be frankly naive and robotic for me not to think about it at all.. If theres a tool you dont have to be good at something to get something you really want and cant change it i dont know how you can never think about it.. AS far as bitternes its more sadness then bitter..and the only time that really happens is if im at a bar or club and my friends are hooking up and i see all these pretty women and i yearn to finally have the touch and warmth of a women touch after 32 years and i cant get it of course i get sad or bitter or whatever words you want to use..i wouldnt be human if i shrugged it off.. 1
Woggle Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 Who is to say that a happy person doesn't see the world as it is? I dislike this argument, as it puts forth the idea that anybody who is remotely happy is naive or ignorant to "the reality of life". Such BS in my opinion. I may choose to be happy, but that doesn't mean I choose to be ignorant of the dark side of life. In fact, I'm more drawn to it than most people I know. If you can look at this world and feel good about it going beyond dating and relationships then you have some rose colored glasses on. All idealism does is set people up for disappointment. It's better to expect the worst then those rare moments of happiness are actually pleasant surprises.
Author ThaWholigan Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 Well it doesnt effect my whole life when im doing something i like or with friends who dont judge me on that it doesnt bother me at all nor do i think about it.. In the dating realm where i feel it is a big part of why i cant get women id be frankly naive and robotic for me not to think about it at all.. If theres a tool you dont have to be good at something to get something you really want and cant change it i dont know how you can never think about it.. AS far as bitternes its more sadness then bitter..and the only time that really happens is if im at a bar or club and my friends are hooking up and i see all these pretty women and i yearn to finally have the touch and warmth of a women touch after 32 years and i cant get it of course i get sad or bitter or whatever words you want to use..i wouldnt be human if i shrugged it off.. Well, there's nothing wrong with being sad, especially about something you think you can never do. But you can't be sad all the time .
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