beachbum1136 Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 My boyfriend of almost 5 years and I broke up a few months ago. We had "broken up" once before about a year ago because I need some space to figure things out as this was the first long term relationship I had ever had. I use the term break up lightly because we just said we were no longer together but continued to sleep in the same bed (just sleeping) and live in the same house for about 2 months. At that point, we ended up getting back together but it still felt like a lot of the issues had not been resolved and we were just getting back for the sake of getting back. After about 8 months of being back together, I started to feel the pressures of a new job and finishing up school and began to take my anger out on him. I felt terrible doing it but it was almost like I couldn't stop myself. I became distant and we started to never hang out with each other, I would come home and go upstairs and watch tv and he would be downstairs and that would be the night until we went to sleep. I feel like at this point we had become way too comfortable in the relationship. I again asked for some space around January of this year and I was told that I could take the time to evaluate our relationship and figure things out, but my boyfriend said he would not wait for me. I did not want to risk losing him so I continued on with the relationship until one night where we got into a fight and I ended up making out with a friend of mine (a decision I regret on so many levels to this day). After that, we broke up and I moved out of the house. I took about 2 months to enjoy my time and then I took 2 months to seriously sit down and think about what it was that I wanted from this relationship. It was about this time that I realized all the things that I could have done to help save the relationship that I didn't do. I came to my ex and let him know that I was willing to create a new and better relationship down the line. I let him know that I completely understand he is not in a place right now to get back with me but I would like to work towards a new, fresh relationship with him down the line. At first he told me that he couldn't do it because he just couldn't be in a relationship now since he was enjoying his time (like I did in the first 2 months of our breakup) which I understand, then when we talked again and I laid out the relationship I envision for us in the future (one where we communicate and make a conscious effort to spend quality time together) he said that since we had already broken up once before this that he didn't really see it working and that we tried for 5 years and it didn't work so why try again and risk going through that pain? While I do understand all of that, I honestly feel that we can make this work. I tried again to talk with him more rationally about everything this past week and he still said that basically we tried for all this time to make it work and it didn't so he doesn't want to try again. After that he did not come to my graduation party this weekend which really kind of hurt. A lot. Not once did he ever give not loving me as a reason so I think that he still does love me, I just wonder if there is any chance at all that somewhere down the line we can make this work. We are still friends now (even though I doubt he has any idea how much I miss him) so I can't help but feel that maybe right now a friendship is a good thing so that I can show him that he can trust me again and we can be good together. Now, Based on what happened last night, I feel like I have no chance. At all. I had called him to let him know that I was coming by to pick up our dog and take him with me to my place for a few days. He said that was fine and to make sure I got food and everything. I took the dog to my house and after we got back from our walk, I get a call from my ex saying that "this is just too weird, it's a dog not a child, we don't have joint custody or anything like that, I need to get him back and I won't need you to watch him when I go away on business". I called him back and we talked and I asked why suddenly the dog was an issue when he hadn't been before. He said that he was clear headed now and that since he was the one who brought the dog into our house to begin with, its his dog. Then we somehow got around to talking about our relationship and he basically told me that he just wants to move on, that he can't trust anything I say, that our relationship wasn't good for the past few years and that he doesn't want to try anymore. I then asked him whether or not he still loved me and he said "I love you but I'm not in love with you. Sound familiar? That's what you said to me when we broke up in February". When I explained that I just needed that time to make sure that I truly was where I wanted to be so that I could give him the relationship that he deserved and that I wanted to make sure I was coming back b/c I missed him and not just the comfort of us being together, he told me that he just needs to move on, there's no sense dwelling in the past and that he's sorry that I reached this conclusion too late, but he does not see me in his future. He also made sure to let me know that not only is he happier now without me, but other people have told him that he seems happier and more willing to go out and do things now. So I guess that's all pretty much a done deal. I lost the love of my life and my dog in the same day. I feel like a cliche or a really predictable country song. Either way, it hurts like hell. I know I need to start focusing on me right now, but I honestly feel like we can make it through this, I just have no idea how to help him see that through my actions (do I just let him contact me when he's ready? do I show I still care by maintaining sporadic yet caring contact? ugh. I have no clue!)
Twins Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 My situation a little similar but still different. The more you press, the worse it gets. It's sooooo painful. I'm right there with you. My ex is dating someone else. Ugh. We were together for almost 7 years. We were in a really funky spot and during that time, he met someone. He told me straight up. That was 3 months ago. We did LC since then, but I heard she and her kids spending more time there. He stopped by my house 10 days ago. I asked him if he loved her and he said NO. I asked him if he was happy and he said he didn't know what he was. He hugged me and kissed me and told me I was hot still so I sort of know there is that spart still. But that means nothing as long as he is with her. Don't make the same mistake I made by enabling him to move on with you in the picture. He needs time to miss you. I would back off a bit for now and relax.
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