mz'sgurl Posted July 1, 2004 Posted July 1, 2004 I met this guy through an online gaming site just over a year ago now, and things just sort of 'clicked' between us. Took a while but by late January we were head over heels for each other, and we had to meet. He came up here in April, and stayed until the middle of May, and it was perfect. Nothing has ever felt so right to me in my life. He had plans to come back right away (he's from the US, I'm from Canada) but the border would not let him back across so soon, especially since he left his job to come up here in the first place so to them he didn't have enough 'proof' that he'd be going back to the US. So he went to stay at his uncle's in Washington State for a while, found a job to save up enough money so we can get him his permanent residence card and whatnot. This is when all the problems started for us though. When he left, even though I know he didn't have any choice in the matter, I felt very abandoned and scared, and in my mind I was convinced I was losing him. I almost went into a complete panic mode with him. He would reassure me that I was not losing him, he's coming back, just got to get past these next trials and we're good to go. A few days later, I'd go back to him for the same thing, asking him if he still wanted to come, doubting him, everything. I did this for about 3-4 weeks before I realised exactly what was wrong with me and what I was doing, to me I was just trying to get the reassurance.. I was devastated when he had to leave, it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through.. letting him walk out of my life like he did, even though I know he had no other choice. More info about our current problems can be found in this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t42034/ Well I guess during my erratic behaviour, I crossed a line with him. I think he misread what I was saying to be honest, because I know I would never do this. I left him a voicemail one night, we was sick at the time and I was very frustrated this night. I *needed* to talk to him, my mindset was in complete panic mode that night. To him it came across that I was mad at him for being sick and turning his phone off, when I know that wasn't the case at all. I'd never be mad at someone for being sick and turning off their phone so they could get some rest. He told me he was going to let that go and chalk it up to me having a bad day, but between that and me going back to him over the same issues, by the time I realised I was even doing this it was already too late. I pushed him over the edge. I finally got him to tell me all of this stuff a few days ago, and since he let it all out his complete attitude and tone of voice has changed with me. His tone, if I didn't know better I would think that he hates me, that's how harsh his voice has become when he's talking to me. I know he's angry with me, but still. On top of that, he wants to 'wait and see' how things go between now and August. He told me he's for sure coming up in the end of August, but by the way he's speaking to me and treating me now, I'm not sure. He says if I want this to work as much as I say I do (and I do, this guy has been better to me than anyone else ever has been) I will let him think about everything and make his decision. I am willing to give him time to think about everything and make a choice. He says because he's 'allowing' me this time, that should be enough proof that he's trying to make this work. How can I believe him when his tone and attitude is telling me he's already given up? I really feel like I'm being played here, like I'm being lead on now. I know I messed up, I apologised to him, I know I can't take my actions back, but really I think he needs to focus less on one bad month and realise the 9 months prior to that have been fantastic! He says he's trying to see if the good outwieghs the bad right now, but how can he really do that when he's completely focused on how I have been since he left, rather than how I was before we met and while he was here? Another thing he said to me which really bothered me, was he "wasn't sure if it was emphatic or his feelings when he left" because he was upset, he broke down when he had to go in tears, and now he's telling me that? To me that seems like he's denying his feelings to himself. I should mention that I am his first real girlfriend, his first serious one anyways. I know this whole relationship aspect of life is new to him, and really I'm trying to be as understanding as I can be with him. I know I was wrong, and since I realised what I was doing, it's stopped. I do think that if he would have told me I was making him feel like he was to blame for everything, and if he told me when I crossed that line that I crossed a line, we would not be in the situation that we are in now. I've tried talking to him about all of this, he wants none of it. He won't listen to me, he says he is listening to me but I know he's not. I know I've got to give him time to cool off, and I have full intentions of doing that. I guess what I'm looking for is some perspective on what he is thinking and how to talk to him now, because I do feel like I'm walking on eggshells with him everytime I talk to him, and I know that's not a good thing. I asked him what he loved about me, and he said "you, when we were together and all the time before that". I know I've been a pain in the rear with him since he's left, and he thinks I've changed. I haven't changed, my mindset when he left changed and it brought out my lesser qualities in me. My mindset has changed again and it's pretty close to the mindset I had prior to him leaving, except now it's extremely worried that nomatter what I do or say this guy is gonna focus on nothing but the past month instead of everything that was so good about us.
Stargazer25 Posted July 2, 2004 Posted July 2, 2004 Mz~ Well, I don't want to sound negative here, but you've only spent a short amount of "actual time" with him. Having an online "relationship" is a lot different from having one with someone in person that you've taken time to know on a "real" level. It sounds to me that you are feeling very insecure now, and that you are allowing this guy to talk to you and treat you in a not very nice way, out of your fear of loosing him~ Trust me when I tell you, that if you become a "doormat" for someone they will not only walk on you, they will stomp and wipe the mud there too~ When he says he liked or loved the "you" you were before he met you and while he spent time with you, but now he isn't sure... could it be that your insecurity is driving you here and for real, that just isn't an attractive thing on anyone~ My boyfriend is a controller with a lot of insecurity, and it wears on me emotionally, physically and mentally. I know what it is to have someone freak the hell out because I didn't answer my phone no matter the reason, could be sick, could be in the damn bathroom and he still expects me to answer it, if I don't omg stand the hell by he is freaking out saying I don't love him, i'm cheating on him, blah blah. Just please, relax some here and breathe~ give him room to breathe~ Don't let your insecurity and fear drive you, because eventually it will drive him away. Good Luck
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