How do you deal with temptation?

[Eclypse]

Just wondering, for all those in successful relationships, how do you deal with temptation when it comes along? And I'm sure it has for most people... hasn't it? Is it the sort of thing you tell your partner and work through it together? Or is it a burden you shoulder alone? I think the Simpsons portrayed it especially well in the season 5 episode: "The Last Temptation of Homer" where Homer falls for his co-worker Mindy while his life at home is becoming more and more miserable which only adds to his attraction to the other woman. Although it is only a cartoon, it's tackled some serious issues over the years, and this being one of them.

 

There's a girl in my office whom I have developed a serious crush on. She is absolutely stunning. Her smile makes my heart beat like a jackhammer. I've become quite good friends with her I would say over the last few months. We're friendly enough to the point that she invites me to hang out and have lunch and go out drinking (with other colleagues) after we finish. We live on the same train line so we've caught that together while drunk alone and have had a couple of fairly deep conversations about life and relationships. She's single. She asked me how my weekend was on Monday and I just began spluttering and looking like a fool. I haven't stuttered since I was 14! Anyway... I think I've seriously got the hots for her.

 

However, I have my girlfriend. I love her very much and we usually have a good time together. However I would say there are two factors that lead to my current crush on my coworker. The first being sheer proximity. We are in the same place for most of the day, every day while I see my gf once a week, twice at most. The second being that me and my gf have had misunderstandings, and now that we've been together for 2 years, I've learned that there are some things about her that I don't really like. Our sex drives are extremely different and I hope it doesn't sound selfish, but that is something that is very important to me and is a source of great anguish for me due to almost constant unfulfillment.

 

Essentially my weeks run like this: I interact with this new girl and develop fantasies. I think about her all the time since we're together so much and I even think about her at home. I wonder what kind of a match we would be if we got together officially. Then Saturday comes and I see my gf and I forget about my coworker and ask myself wtf was I even thinking? I love my gf so much and while cuddling together thoughts of no one else cross through my mind and I think about how I want us to be together forever. The good feeling lasts through Sunday but then Monday rolls along and when I see "her" it sort of hits me like a sack of bricks and the cycle continues.

 

Reading over this it makes me feel ashamed to be writing it. I feel like the worst boyfriend in the world (and I probably am). I can't imagine breaking up with my gf due to all the amazing experiences we've had and the fact that we just meshed together so well. However on the other hand I wonder if I am truly meant to be with her, and if I would be happier with someone else. We were each others firsts for literally everything (first naked girl I saw.. etc). We have this close bond, however as I mentioned before differences have popped up and there are some really unattractive personality traits of my gf that make me unsure.

 

I should point out that I can't actually leave this place. I understand that is logically the advice that people give in this sort of situation I'm technically a full time student there, and she is a worker there. Also I don't know if it matters (but perhaps it does) but I am 21 and both my gf and the new girl are 23.

 

Well there it is. Advice? Suggestions?

[BetrayedH]

I strongly encourage you to read the book, Not Just Friends. Your interactions are crossing boundaries. I suspect your GF would not appreciate some of these life conversations you are having with this other woman. I bet the conversations would be different if your GF were there at the time, or perhaps they wouldn't happen at all. You're dangerously close to having what some would call an emotional affair with this woman and with your proximity, it would likely quickly become a physical affair. Sounds terribly dramatic, to be sure, but this is how they start. You have small (normal) troubles in your current relationship then a new opposite sex coworker begins being a good partner and ally; given some time you start to share personal stuff (you about your struggles with your GF and her about her struggle with her BF), one person gets a twinkle in their eye and BAM, it's on.

 

Everyone says, "It just happened." No, there was a series of small boundaries crossed one at a time. Your poor girlfriend has no chance here because you are engaged in a fantasy, one that she doesn't even know that she's competing with. This other woman shows you her best side; you dream about unicorns and rainbows and never see the realistic side of things with her. You are getting attention and affection from this new woman that feeds your ego. It is quite literally like a drug and before you know it, you're professing to be "in love." but what about that girlfriend? Soon you would be saying, I love you but I'm not in love with you. Just so you know, that's all a bunch of hooey. Real love matures over time; it becomes more like a permanent and mutual respect and admiration for one another. Nobody keeps that "in love" feeling forever. If you become addicted to that (like you are becoming addicted to your other woman), you're destined for a bunch of short term relationships and you will always wonder why they fail.

 

How do you avoid it? You enforce boundaries with yourself. You don't have intimate/personal conversations with a woman. You don't discuss your relationship with another woman. You don't allow yourself to flirt with other women. You ensure that you never give off an, "I'm potentially available" vibe. You don't allow yourself to be alone in a room with a woman. You watch your alcohol consumption around other women, especially if your SO is not around.

 

Seriously, read the book. It should be required reading.

 

As for your current GF, I doubt you would be in a rush to leave her if this other woman wasn't on the horizon. You are already subconsciously justifying these inappropriate interactions with the other woman. It's common to think that "I must not be happy if I am having these feelings for someone else." Wrong. Lots of cheaters think that they wouldn't be having an affair if things weren't so bad at home. The fact is that things are bad at home because they are having an affair and the SO can't compete with the fantasy (and trusts that they aren't competing anyway). Address the issues with your GF with the other woman out of the picture. Talk to her directly but respectfully about your needs but gets this OW out of your head and life first.

 

Good luck.

[whichwayisup]

How do you deal with temptation? First off, STOP feeding your feelings! Stop the fantasy!

 

I interact with this new girl and develop fantasies. I think about her all the time since we're together so much and I even think about her at home. I wonder what kind of a match we would be if we got together officially

Keep things in perspective. You have a crush. You like how you feel when around this woman. The thing is, you're encouraging this too by spending more time with her (lunches etc) and that's not good. DO NOT cross the lines with her and tell her how you feel. Don't flirt with her either.. Flirting is harmless and fun but not when one has a crush on that 'someone'.. Again, that will feed your crush and make you want her more.

 

Make more effort to spend time with your girlfriend.

[Els]

4 Our sex drives are extremely different and I hope it doesn't sound selfish, but that is something that is very important to me and is a source of great anguish for me due to almost constant unfulfillment.

 

I have several suggestions for resisting temptation per se, but I think the part I quoted is really the crux of the issue. You're unfulfilled. It doesn't matter what else you do - never see the other girl again, keep strong boundaries with women, etc - this is always going to come up time and again because you're ultimately unfulfilled.

 

You need to understand that this isn't just some LDR that is temporary and will be over soon and you can be fulfilled after it is over. If that were the case, the temporary suggestions that I offered would help.. but it isn't. If you stay with this girl, you will likely be unfulfilled all your lives. Is that what you want?

 

I know I rooted for you staying and trying to make it work, but it really doesn't sound like it's working. Hon, I've been with the bf for over 4 years. I've never been tempted to cheat to that sort of extent, ever. When I was tempted to that extent with my ex, I knew it was because there was something seriously going unfulfilled - in my case, emotional intimacy. And I was right. Fortunately I ended it before I could possibly cave to it.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Good advice so far. Just wanted to add that you shouldn't put yourself in situations that would be tempting. IE sitting in a car alone talking for ages, being in a room together, or being alone anywhere really...

[SomedayDig]

Dude, I totally get where you're coming from. You work with an attractive chick and you basically see her way more than you see your own girlfriend. It's easy to start developing feelings for someone when put in that situation. The deal, though, is this: Do you want to ruin your 2 year long relationship with your girlfriend to feed a fantasy that might never really work out? I can tell you that most work relationships I've ever seen fizzle out in a bad way and usually cause an uproar in the work environment.

 

In the end, the only advice I can give you is one that you've probably heard a gazillion times: The grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence.

 

Spend time working on your own lawn if you really wanna make it green. But if you wanna move, then you need to be honest about it - to yourself first.

[standtall]

Eclyspe...I can totally relate. I have been married for 16 yrs and love my wife more now than when I married her. Wow, there have been some temptations, and they seem to occur at the times when my marriage was at it's weakest.

 

Buut, you are not married, so you can pretty much do what you want. You have to ask yourself how much you want your current relationship. The thrill of the chase is nice, but you have to ask yourself is it worth the risk to find out if the grass is greener over there. It boils down to risk and gamble with this situation. To be honest, I think 21 and 23 is too young to be that committed anyway.

Edited June 19, 2012 by standtall

[RecentlyAwakened]

So you are attracted to this chick at work? She sets your vains on fire? The forbidden so wonderfully fuels desire! You are simply being human, wonderfully human.

 

The moral grounds are clear. Do not cross over into infedelity. The lust that is fired up from this other woman can be used in your current situation, for the moment though you can't expend it the usual way in bed as you say she doesn't have strong desire.

Take your GF dancing, not the night club (unless you both enjoy that) but learn to dance more traditional styles. A place where you are excouged to dance with others. The aim is to set her desires on fire, encourage her to expand her horizons and find emotional connection with others outside your union.

Imagine if your Girlfriend built such desires from some guy at her work and came home to you on the weekend all fired up and very much attracted to this wonderful girl of yours. Your fired up, she is fired up. Try and stop something from happening.

 

Strictly containing your emotions to a single person is a sure fire way to stifle both your growth, to smother each other and but out and fires of desire in at least 1 of you. Be free, let her be free.

 

Don't cross the boundray though, the boundries are different for people. The most common is the physical. You know it, otherwise you wouldn't be writing what you have. You just don't know how to direct the fire in your viens in a constructive way.

[KungFuJoe]

This is not an easy question to answer. There really is no answer. But, I know one thing. Don't cheat. You will ruin EVERYTHING. Not just your relationship to your current gf (obviously) but assuming you want to start something with the new girl, it will put a serious hamper on that as well because you will have started in a very bad way. I know this all too well. I still remember the sleeping pills and whiskey like it was yesterday even though it was almost 15 years.

 

I'm not saying don't leave your gf for this girl. This new girl COULD very well be the girl of your everlasting dreams. But whatever you do, you have to be completely honest about it. Relationships that start off with cheating, are forever damaged.

 

As for how you avoid temptation? Well...it's different for everyone, but for me...it's easy to avoid because I never have them and I never will. Even my own wife asks me how I know. I just know. I'm with someone who is everything I've ever wanted in a girl and everything I never knew I wanted. She's the girl I want to cuddle with on the couch and tell my life story to and she's the hot, slutty girl at the club that I want to take home and f*ck til the sun comes up.

Edited June 19, 2012 by KungFuJoe

[BetheButterfly]

Just wondering, for all those in successful relationships, how do you deal with temptation when it comes along? And I'm sure it has for most people... hasn't it?

 

Yeah temptation comes, but the best way to avoid it is to ... RUN AWAY from it.

 

Is it the sort of thing you tell your partner and work through it together?

 

Depends on the maturity of your partner

Or is it a burden you shoulder alone?

 

No. I think support is very good. If you have some good guy friends who are happily married, maybe they can be your support? Or, maybe your Dad or a male family member or your Mom, someone you trust?

I think the Simpsons portrayed it especially well in the season 5 episode: "The Last Temptation of Homer" where Homer falls for his co-worker Mindy while his life at home is becoming more and more miserable which only adds to his attraction to the other woman. Although it is only a cartoon, it's tackled some serious issues over the years, and this being one of them.

 

There's a girl in my office whom I have developed a serious crush on. She is absolutely stunning. Her smile makes my heart beat like a jackhammer. I've become quite good friends with her I would say over the last few months. We're friendly enough to the point that she invites me to hang out and have lunch and go out drinking (with other colleagues) after we finish. We live on the same train line so we've caught that together while drunk alone and have had a couple of fairly deep conversations about life and relationships.

 

Ok, this is an issue right here. One way to avoid temptation is by NOT going out with this girl. If you are serious about avoiding temptation, stop it. Don't do that anymore.

She's single. She asked me how my weekend was on Monday and I just began spluttering and looking like a fool. I haven't stuttered since I was 14! Anyway... I think I've seriously got the hots for her.

 

However, I have my girlfriend. I love her very much and we usually have a good time together. However I would say there are two factors that lead to my current crush on my coworker. The first being sheer proximity. We are in the same place for most of the day, every day while I see my gf once a week, twice at most. The second being that me and my gf have had misunderstandings, and now that we've been together for 2 years, I've learned that there are some things about her that I don't really like. Our sex drives are extremely different and I hope it doesn't sound selfish, but that is something that is very important to me and is a source of great anguish for me due to almost constant unfulfillment.

 

1. Are you and your girlfriend planning on moving closer and spending more time together? Once a week is not good enough for a strong relationship for most people.

 

2. You need to address this issue with her, and work it out.

 

Essentially my weeks run like this: I interact with this new girl and develop fantasies. I think about her all the time since we're together so much and I even think about her at home. I wonder what kind of a match we would be if we got together officially. Then Saturday comes and I see my gf and I forget about my coworker and ask myself wtf was I even thinking? I love my gf so much and while cuddling together thoughts of no one else cross through my mind and I think about how I want us to be together forever. The good feeling lasts through Sunday but then Monday rolls along and when I see "her" it sort of hits me like a sack of bricks and the cycle continues.

 

Reading over this it makes me feel ashamed to be writing it. I feel like the worst boyfriend in the world (and I probably am). I can't imagine breaking up with my gf due to all the amazing experiences we've had and the fact that we just meshed together so well. However on the other hand I wonder if I am truly meant to be with her, and if I would be happier with someone else. We were each others firsts for literally everything (first naked girl I saw.. etc). We have this close bond, however as I mentioned before differences have popped up and there are some really unattractive personality traits of my gf that make me unsure.

 

I should point out that I can't actually leave this place. I understand that is logically the advice that people give in this sort of situation I'm technically a full time student there, and she is a worker there. Also I don't know if it matters (but perhaps it does) but I am 21 and both my gf and the new girl are 23.

 

Well there it is. Advice? Suggestions?

 

Well, it would indeed be nice if you could leave that place, but ironically you might find another "stunning" girl that catches your eye.

 

So, my advice is to analyze your current relationship and ask yourself the following questions.

 

1. What does love mean to me?

2. Do I really love my girlfriend, or do I just want her because of ...?

3. How would I feel if my girlfriend was having this same issue?

 

If you truly love your girlfriend, stop socializing with the other girl. Be nice to her, but find other people who are not attractive to you to talk with and socialize with on the train and at work. Whenever your mind wanders on to this girl, train your mind to think of something else, like whatever interests you that is not this girl. Hopefully that helps a little bit.

 

I don't think you're the worst boyfriend at all. You do care, which is why you made this thread. If you didn't care, I doubt you would have taken the time to write this.

[Eclypse]

I strongly encourage you to read the book, Not Just Friends. Your interactions are crossing boundaries. I suspect your GF would not appreciate some of these life conversations you are having with this other woman. I bet the conversations would be different if your GF were there at the time, or perhaps they wouldn't happen at all. You're dangerously close to having what some would call an emotional affair with this woman and with your proximity, it would likely quickly become a physical affair. Sounds terribly dramatic, to be sure, but this is how they start. You have small (normal) troubles in your current relationship then a new opposite sex coworker begins being a good partner and ally; given some time you start to share personal stuff (you about your struggles with your GF and her about her struggle with her BF), one person gets a twinkle in their eye and BAM, it's on.

 

How do you avoid it? You enforce boundaries with yourself. You don't have intimate/personal conversations with a woman. You don't discuss your relationship with another woman. You don't allow yourself to flirt with other women. You ensure that you never give off an, "I'm potentially available" vibe. You don't allow yourself to be alone in a room with a woman. You watch your alcohol consumption around other women, especially if your SO is not around.

 

Seriously, read the book. It should be required reading.

 

Good luck.

 

Thanks for your response. That book is something I'm going to have to find and read. I understand that this is very inappropriate and on the verges of an emotional affair. So far I haven't really discussed my relationship in great detail with the new girl or any of my colleagues. I guess it was some sort of gratification to flirt with her after having an argument with my gf. I felt better in a strange way, although guilty afterwards. I've been trying to deal with issues with my gf lately, including the lack of sex. It sometimes improves for a couple of weeks and I feel better, but then it goes back into a slump. She's told me she's just not very sexual and I don't think that I can change her (not that I'd want to force her to be anything she didn't want to be).

 

How do you deal with temptation? First off, STOP feeding your feelings! Stop the fantasy!

 

 

Keep things in perspective. You have a crush. You like how you feel when around this woman. The thing is, you're encouraging this too by spending more time with her (lunches etc) and that's not good. DO NOT cross the lines with her and tell her how you feel. Don't flirt with her either.. Flirting is harmless and fun but not when one has a crush on that 'someone'.. Again, that will feed your crush and make you want her more.

 

Make more effort to spend time with your girlfriend.

 

I definitely won't be telling her how I feel, at least not at this time. I entertained the idea in my fantasies briefly though. One of the other girls asked me if I had a crush on her (may as well call her Laura for simplicity's sake). I said I did not, however my face definitely betrayed me and the other girl got super excited, but promised not to tell Laura. Hopefully she won't...

 

Good advice so far. Just wanted to add that you shouldn't put yourself in situations that would be tempting. IE sitting in a car alone talking for ages' date=' being in a room together, or being alone anywhere really...[/quote']

 

Yeah that's good advice. Something I will try to do. However I can't reject all social offers from my workmates. There will have to be compromises made no doubt. Laura is very nice, and I am not sure she would even go out with me if circumstances were different. She is very beautiful and being 23 she is a few years ahead of me so she is actually a full time worker earning a decent salary, while I'm still a penniless student (for now). I can't see myself being able to offer her much in terms of a physical sense.

 

Dude, I totally get where you're coming from. You work with an attractive chick and you basically see her way more than you see your own girlfriend. It's easy to start developing feelings for someone when put in that situation. The deal, though, is this: Do you want to ruin your 2 year long relationship with your girlfriend to feed a fantasy that might never really work out? I can tell you that most work relationships I've ever seen fizzle out in a bad way and usually cause an uproar in the work environment.

 

In the end, the only advice I can give you is one that you've probably heard a gazillion times: The grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence.

 

Spend time working on your own lawn if you really wanna make it green. But if you wanna move, then you need to be honest about it - to yourself first.

 

The answer is no, I'm not ready to throw away my 2 year relationship! I'm realistic that Laura may not even like me, and even if we did get together and something happened it would make showing up there every morning veeeery awkward. I think this is a case of G.I.G.S as you said and I am fully aware that in reality it is not always greener. Regardless the temptation is there...

 

Eclyspe...I can totally relate. I have been married for 16 yrs and love my wife more now than when I married her. Wow, there have been some temptations, and they seem to occur at the times when my marriage was at it's weakest.

 

Buut, you are not married, so you can pretty much do what you want. You have to ask yourself how much you want your current relationship. The thrill of the chase is nice, but you have to ask yourself is it worth the risk to find out if the grass is greener over there. It boils down to risk and gamble with this situation. To be honest, I think 21 and 23 is too young to be that committed anyway.

 

Yeah funny how all the temptations occur when things aren't quite rosy at home. I don't know if the risk is worth it to find out if the grass really is greener. Realistically... probably not. I'd be risking a lot of embarrassment. Reading some of these OW/OM threads here makes me very glad my life isn't screwed up like some other people's are!

 

So you are attracted to this chick at work? She sets your vains on fire? The forbidden so wonderfully fuels desire! You are simply being human, wonderfully human.

 

The moral grounds are clear. Do not cross over into infedelity. The lust that is fired up from this other woman can be used in your current situation, for the moment though you can't expend it the usual way in bed as you say she doesn't have strong desire.

Take your GF dancing, not the night club (unless you both enjoy that) but learn to dance more traditional styles. A place where you are excouged to dance with others. The aim is to set her desires on fire, encourage her to expand her horizons and find emotional connection with others outside your union.

Imagine if your Girlfriend built such desires from some guy at her work and came home to you on the weekend all fired up and very much attracted to this wonderful girl of yours. Your fired up, she is fired up. Try and stop something from happening.

 

Strictly containing your emotions to a single person is a sure fire way to stifle both your growth, to smother each other and but out and fires of desire in at least 1 of you. Be free, let her be free.

 

Don't cross the boundray though, the boundries are different for people. The most common is the physical. You know it, otherwise you wouldn't be writing what you have. You just don't know how to direct the fire in your viens in a constructive way.

 

That is some interesting advice. I don't know if she is crushing on another guy. It would be hypocritical of me to get angry about that as here I am doing the same, although I probably wouldn't feel the most comfortable. She always tells me I'm the first and only person she's had sexual feelings for. I believe her, for now. However your point does make sense. I always look forward to seeing her after a long week at work and I try and be as passionate as possible

 

This is not an easy question to answer. There really is no answer. But, I know one thing. Don't cheat. You will ruin EVERYTHING. Not just your relationship to your current gf (obviously) but assuming you want to start something with the new girl, it will put a serious hamper on that as well because you will have started in a very bad way. I know this all too well. I still remember the sleeping pills and whiskey like it was yesterday even though it was almost 15 years.

 

I'm not saying don't leave your gf for this girl. This new girl COULD very well be the girl of your everlasting dreams. But whatever you do, you have to be completely honest about it. Relationships that start off with cheating, are forever damaged.

 

As for how you avoid temptation? Well...it's different for everyone, but for me...it's easy to avoid because I never have them and I never will. Even my own wife asks me how I know. I just know. I'm with someone who is everything I've ever wanted in a girl and everything I never knew I wanted. She's the girl I want to cuddle with on the couch and tell my life story to and she's the hot, slutty girl at the club that I want to take home and f*ck til the sun comes up.

 

I'm very impressed that you've never experience temptation. It's happened to me a few times, although probably not as bad as this (but I've never been in such close proximity every day to another girl before). I agree with you that cheating is not the most ideal way to start a relationship, although this is one girl I can definitely see myself with. She is just so nice and friendly and lovely to be around. Of course I realise fantasies are just that, and who knows... she could be one of those who doesn't like sex (although she does like the type who does). She kind of acts like a bimbo, but in a smart way if that makes sense.

 

Yeah temptation comes, but the best way to avoid it is to ... RUN AWAY from it.

 

 

 

Depends on the maturity of your partner

 

 

No. I think support is very good. If you have some good guy friends who are happily married, maybe they can be your support? Or, maybe your Dad or a male family member or your Mom, someone you trust?

 

 

Ok, this is an issue right here. One way to avoid temptation is by NOT going out with this girl. If you are serious about avoiding temptation, stop it. Don't do that anymore.

 

 

1. Are you and your girlfriend planning on moving closer and spending more time together? Once a week is not good enough for a strong relationship for most people.

 

2. You need to address this issue with her, and work it out.

 

 

 

Well, it would indeed be nice if you could leave that place, but ironically you might find another "stunning" girl that catches your eye.

 

So, my advice is to analyze your current relationship and ask yourself the following questions.

 

1. What does love mean to me?

2. Do I really love my girlfriend, or do I just want her because of ...?

3. How would I feel if my girlfriend was having this same issue?

 

If you truly love your girlfriend, stop socializing with the other girl. Be nice to her, but find other people who are not attractive to you to talk with and socialize with on the train and at work. Whenever your mind wanders on to this girl, train your mind to think of something else, like whatever interests you that is not this girl. Hopefully that helps a little bit.

 

I don't think you're the worst boyfriend at all. You do care, which is why you made this thread. If you didn't care, I doubt you would have taken the time to write this.

 

Thanks Be. Unfortunately I don't know any married people yet at my age! I have thought about telling my mum or dad but I'm afraid they'll think I'm a horrible person. Perhaps I should though? What would you do if one of your children told you of a situation like this?

 

Me and my gf would like to live closer. At the moment we are with our respective families more than 55 miles apart so it makes seeing each other more than once or twice a week tricky with our schedules. I would like us to live together once we both finish our education and have stable jobs. I guess we'll see if we're still together then.

 

Re: your questions - 1) Love means having an intimate connection with someone that only you two can achieve. It means sharing your life with them and always being there for them. What arguments you have should be sorted out with understanding and care.

2) I feel that I really do love her, although some days I question myself. However she makes me feel really happy most of the time and that is the most important thing I guess.

3) I wouldn't feel too good. I would question my own self worth and ask what was missing in my relationship. I would work to try fix it. I would also feel jealous toward the other guy she was crushing on.

 

Hmm well actually she hasn't shown much enthusiasm in addressing my concerns a lot of the time. Perhaps if I tell her I'm getting a crush she might stop to think? Or is that just cruel...

 

I have several suggestions for resisting temptation per se, but I think the part I quoted is really the crux of the issue. You're unfulfilled. It doesn't matter what else you do - never see the other girl again, keep strong boundaries with women, etc - this is always going to come up time and again because you're ultimately unfulfilled.

 

You need to understand that this isn't just some LDR that is temporary and will be over soon and you can be fulfilled after it is over. If that were the case, the temporary suggestions that I offered would help.. but it isn't. If you stay with this girl, you will likely be unfulfilled all your lives. Is that what you want?

 

I know I rooted for you staying and trying to make it work, but it really doesn't sound like it's working. Hon, I've been with the bf for over 4 years. I've never been tempted to cheat to that sort of extent, ever. When I was tempted to that extent with my ex, I knew it was because there was something seriously going unfulfilled - in my case, emotional intimacy. And I was right. Fortunately I ended it before I could possibly cave to it.

 

I definitely don't want to be unfulfilled my whole life. The very idea fills me with dread. However I am realistic that getting another girlfriend may not fill those empty voids, or I might get more sex, but lose the amazing emotional connection I have with my current girlfriend. God it's really not a simple situation. On the one hand I can't bear leaving her, but on the other I wonder if it would be the best for us..

[xxoo]

I definitely won't be telling her how I feel, at least not at this time.

 

IMO, you should be able to bring your struggles to your gf. It is a decent "test" of the relationship: how well you communicate, how well you support each other, how willing and able you are to meet each other's needs.

 

If sharing this struggle, openly but kindly, destroys your relationship, then the relationship probably should be ended.

 

 

I definitely don't want to be unfulfilled my whole life. The very idea fills me with dread. However I am realistic that getting another girlfriend may not fill those empty voids, or I might get more sex, but lose the amazing emotional connection I have with my current girlfriend. God it's really not a simple situation. On the one hand I can't bear leaving her, but on the other I wonder if it would be the best for us..

 

I strongly suspect that, if you break up, in a couple years it will be very clear to you that you did the right thing. You will be very glad that you did not hitch your wagon to someone who doesn't share your sexual interest and energy at such a young age.

 

An emotional connection without a sexual connection is a great friend....not a great romantic partner.

 

I can not guarantee that you will meet someone who provides great sexual and emotional connection. But I can pretty much guarantee that you'll never find it with your current gf.

[Els]

Well, I guess you just have to decide what your needs in a relationship genuinely are, and stick with them. Be certain to differentiate between need and want. Compatible sex drives are a 'want' for some people, and a 'need' for some others - you seem to be in the middle, but I daresay you're closer to 'need'.

 

Think about what will happen if you continue along this path. You will be put in the position to have to resist strong temptation all your life. Do you really think you will be able to continuously resist? What happens when it finally becomes too much and you cave? It would hurt her immensely, and tear the two of you apart.

 

IMO, put all your last dredges of effort into working out the sex thing, and if it doesn't get better it would really be best for both of you to leave. You're still young. I don't mean the 'you're young, you're entitled to better than a girl who doesn't put out' crap, but the simple fact that you're young means that you haven't met many people and experienced many things yet. When you've had some experience, learnt some things, and come to the conclusion that you really only need an emotional connection and not sex, great. At this point, it does you a disservice to stick to this just because it's all you've ever known, when you're clearly unhappy.

[maybealone]

To me, one of the easiest ways to avoid temptation is to talk about your gf -- a lot -- with the girl from work. And get your gf to meet you all out for drinks or for lunch someday so the work girl gets to know your gf.

 

That said, I also suggest you look at the relationship with your gf. After two years together you only see each other once or twice a week? While still in the "honeymoon" period your sex drives are already mismatched -- do you think that will get better in time?

 

Just remember -- these are SEPARATE issues. Don't leave your gf for the work girl and don't cheat.

[BetheButterfly]

Thanks Be. Unfortunately I don't know any married people yet at my age! I have thought about telling my mum or dad but I'm afraid they'll think I'm a horrible person. Perhaps I should though? What would you do if one of your children told you of a situation like this?

 

Well, it is possible your Dad can give you some advice... when I was a teen, my Dad gave me advice about guys. Maybe you could casually call your Dad and ask him concerning how men can be faithful/good mates, you know?

 

Me and my gf would like to live closer. At the moment we are with our respective families more than 55 miles apart so it makes seeing each other more than once or twice a week tricky with our schedules. I would like us to live together once we both finish our education and have stable jobs. I guess we'll see if we're still together then.

 

That does make it hard. It is really good to be closer.

Re: your questions - 1) Love means having an intimate connection with someone that only you two can achieve. It means sharing your life with them and always being there for them. What arguments you have should be sorted out with understanding and care.

2) I feel that I really do love her, although some days I question myself. However she makes me feel really happy most of the time and that is the most important thing I guess.

3) I wouldn't feel too good. I would question my own self worth and ask what was missing in my relationship. I would work to try fix it. I would also feel jealous toward the other guy she was crushing on.

 

Good answers

 

Hmm well actually she hasn't shown much enthusiasm in addressing my concerns a lot of the time. Perhaps if I tell her I'm getting a crush she might stop to think? Or is that just cruel...

 

Honestly, if before we got married, my boyfriend had told me he had a crush on another girl, I would have said goodbye. The answers you gave above are good, including what love is. However, it is possible she does not want to have a boyfriend who is thinking of another girl. I know I don't. It might be good to tell her in a kind way, and let her decide if she wants to continue her relationship with you, or find someone who is more committed to her.

 

 

I definitely don't want to be unfulfilled my whole life. The very idea fills me with dread. However I am realistic that getting another girlfriend may not fill those empty voids, or I might get more sex, but lose the amazing emotional connection I have with my current girlfriend. God it's really not a simple situation. On the one hand I can't bear leaving her, but on the other I wonder if it would be the best for us..

 

It sounds like you already think it's the best to seek another girlfriend. Just be honest with her please... kind and honest. Let her be part of the decision making. It is very possible she will break up with you, and maybe that is for the best.

[frozensprouts]

while it may be tempting to cheat, it sounds like you don't view cheating as the morally correct thing to do...I agree with this view.

 

If you do cheat, you may find that you have become a person you don't like very much...all the lying, sneaking and betrayal will eat away at you...is that what you want?

[whichwayisup]

I definitely won't be telling her how I feel, at least not at this time. I entertained the idea in my fantasies briefly though. One of the other girls asked me if I had a crush on her (may as well call her Laura for simplicity's sake). I said I did not, however my face definitely betrayed me and the other girl got super excited, but promised not to tell Laura. Hopefully she won't...

She WILL tell her. Even though she promised you she wouldn't tell, she is going to 'drop hints' and let this other girl know in her own way. Trust me on that. Especially since she got 'super excited' about your reaction.

 

No, at least at this time. Don't bother AT ALL. Don't go there unless you break up with your gf and you are available to that other girl. It isn't fair to your gf nor it is fair to the other girl.

[pteromom]

I think temptation when you are in a happy and fulfilled relationship is very different than temptation when you are unfulfilled.

 

If you were VERY happy with your girlfriend, your heart would be with her on Monday morning, and although you may still find the other girl attractive, you would have all your romantic sexy fantasies of your girlfriend to get you through.

 

As it is though, you are unfulfilled and are lacking that romantic connection you want. So your heart is seeking it wherever it can.

 

It's great that you have such a wonderful friendship with your gf. But is this really what you want the rest of your life to be? Do you want to just live together then get married then have kids then grow old, and never know what it is like to be with someone who is sexually compatible with you?

 

If not - why put it off? Why waste more of your time and more of your gf's time if you know it's only a matter of time before you can't do it anymore?

 

I don't think it has anything to do with the girl at work. It's all about what is lacking in your relationship.

[GLDheart]

Buy the book. Read it in front of your GF. When she says "wtf is that?"... talk to her about the girl at work. She will FREAK out... then calm down and respect you so much for your honesty.

 

or not

 

Maybe she says "screw you", walks away, and then you WILL RESPECT YOURSELF for your honesty. I don't think your are wrong for having feelings. It's happened to me to. Look at it like a HUGE oppertunity to do (whatever you pick) in a way that honors the Man you see yourself as.

 

 

 

 

p.s. after you come clean maybe you'll get some of that "hyper bonding" sex that is talked about... wink wink nudge nudge.

Edited June 21, 2012 by GLDheart

[Leigh 87]

You are very attached to this girl, and really lie being around her, and have loved your time together - it is VERY HARD to leave these sorts of situations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Make no mistake - I think one of the hardest things to do in terms of relationships, is be heavily attached and involved with our partner, but not really be " in love" with them, in the way that you need.

 

You sound WAY too attached to your girlfriend to leave her at this stage. Yet, I can see a real problem. It is normal to think other girls are hot and thik about them naked occasionally; men who are totall fulfilled in their relaitonship, however, will not ACT or WANT to truly live out these sexual " fantasies".

 

Here is another very important thing for you to consider: your cheating your girlfriend out of makig a desision!!!!!!!!!

It is HER RIGHT to know if her boyfriend thinks a lot about another girl, has in depth talks with her, and has butterflies over her.

 

If you really do care that much about her, you should do the RIGHT thing; not what is EASIER.

EASIER would be to carry on in your relationship, because it is easier for YOU to stay with a girl your attached to, and avoid inevitable heartbreak.

ON the other hand - your girlfriend WOULD PROBABLY not WANT to continue in a relationship, with a guy who's heart flutters over knowing another girl emotionaly AND physically.

 

I do not care if my partner looks at hot girls, but I do not want him sitting down and having deap, emotional, important conversatios about relationships with girls he is ATTRACTED to!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Personally, I do not feel safe and comfortable around guys who get very close to girls... Having friends from high school and hanging out with them in a GROUP - great:) totall harmless.

On the other hand, it is totally inappropriate to hang out, one on one, with another girl, for prolonged periods of time unless u HAVE to; it is also wrong to have deap conversations with other girls who you are attracted to.

 

Look - if you at a party and you and some girl who is unnatractive to you want to go up on the roof to have a cigarette - fair enough. If it is clear your NOT attracted to a girl, physically and based on her personality and your CHEMISTRY - then yes, it is not disrpestectful to have one or two deap conversations.

However, your ATTRACTED to this girl, and yet you STILL have deap conversations, and enjoy getting close to her!

 

 

 

 

Please listen to me, you sound like a nice guy with morels, hence why your HERE.

Look, it will be SO HARD to break up and leave your long term girlfriend! Really - it would be totall gut wrentching to leave a girl your so attached to.

IN fact - it will be FAR EASIER to stay with her. You will avoid being heartbroken, and shedding a lot of tears.

Make no mistake - I KNOW you ' love" your girlfriend, and that it would be EXTREMELY hard to be without her.

 

The thing is - doing what is easy, and avoiding pain in the short term, is doing the WRONG thing to your girlfriend.

If you truly.... truly love her, you will let her go, if she so chooses.

I am not begging you to leave her - I am asking you to acknowledge that you would not want to be with a GIRL who had the hots for a guy. You would not be happy after knowing she got butterflies over another guy, based on her EMOTIONAL attachment to him, as well as the physical.

Wanting a girl based on her looks - normal. Wanting a girl, based on your connection with her which you made through having deap conversations - means you want the stunning girl at work for more than just sex.

If I were you, I would have a very deap and long think about wheather you are too attached to leave and therefore are in a " nice" relationship, but which is lacking that real spark sexuall and otherwise.

 

 

Lastly - is it JUST the sex that is lacking? I ask, because my partner never tried oral sex much on other girls; he had onl had one girl he truly liked before me, and did it on her maybe 3 times in 4 months. And he liked it.

... lack of oral would have been a deal breaker, but we worked through it. He loves doing it, and was open enough to trying it a LOT and getting to love it. It turns out, with the right person who he likes a lot, he can reall get into oral and enjoy THEIR pleasure.

That said; there might be guys who, no matter how in love they are, canot enjo oral with a girl. IF this is the case, I would find out EARLY ON, and if we could truly not work through it, it would be a dealbreaker.

 

Have you posted in the sex section? And, would you two be prepared to go to a sex therapist? Just sayin'.... What worrys me, is that you have struck up an emotional connection with your co worker, and therefore it sounds like your lusting for MORE than just sex from her, and therefore are lacking more than just the sexual side from your partner.

[Snakechammah]

"If you have to choose between No.1 and No.2, always choose No.2 because if you really loved No.1 you would never have a No.2."

 

This is one quote that lurks in my head everytime I hear about affairs.

 

It's probably not about this new girl. Something is certainly lacking in your relationship with No.1... do you honestly think that 10 years down the road, you will not be confronted with the same problem? Perhaps a different girl?

 

If she does not complete you, there is certainly a void there. Tackle the problem now before you waste another 10-15 years of your lives.

 

There are countless of stories about married men/women who have kids and lived peacefully for 20-odd years together and then BAM, they meet someone else and starts an affair.

 

If right now you're already unsure about your current relationship, then what else is there once you're old and grey (and a hot new prospect comes along?)

 

Think about it.

[threebyfate]

You're 21 years old. You're not married. If you're this tempted so easily, it's time to break up with your girlfriend. If you remain in your relationship and progress towards marriage, you and your girlfriend will regret it.

[Leigh 87]

The OP sounds like a decenet guy, but he is doing himself a diservice; he has good intentions, but he needs to know that it is WRONG to get so close to other girls in this way!

 

I am sure the OP is not meaning to do the wrong thing, of course! I just hope he can make some hard desisions before it is too late, and he stays with his girlfriend, so she becomes more attached to a guy who is not being his true self with her.

 

SHe might stay and work through the issues, OP!

 

Your young, a few younger people find lasting , happy love at your age;but not many!

 

It really sounds like your too attached to leave, yet you KNOW you do not want to spend the rest of your life with her.

 

You WANT it to work, but do not FEEL it, perhaps.

[Eclypse]

Thanks for the responses guys. I haven't replied for a few days, been gathering my thoughts. I saw my gf over the weekend and everything seemed amazing with us. The one thing that dampened my spirits was the sex. It was lacklustre at best, but I guess I'm used to that by now. What jives me is that I am expected to do all the work. She has not got much interest in sex. She's been telling me that she is just not a sexual person and that she has never really felt sexually aroused. It's just the way she is and I feel like I'm going to pull my hair out. But we get along so well in almost every other aspect that this will not be an easy choice to make. Sigh, I have never orgasmed during sex in my life. That would be nice to experience, along with a girl actually coming onto me, rather than the other way.

 

Today at work Laura had some drinks at lunch and then in the afternoon decided to teach me how to knit, as I had displayed an interest in it before while watching her. I'd made a conscious decision not to make a move on her, not just for my relationship, but also the sake of my professional reputation. I'd forgotten she'd promised to show me. However I became completely overcome by lust. She was somewhat tipsy and we were literally in each others personal space the whole time, and with our hands and fingers constantly touching as she showed me. She was so beautiful and her face was so close to mine. I could see myself just reaching up and running my hand through her hair and pulling her in for a kiss. Once again however common sense prevailed and I left for home, deflecting her invitation for dinner.

 

I realise my gf (no gf for that matter) wouldn't be happy if she knew this. I'm in dangerous territory. This could be what they call the emotional affair? But then again I don't know if Laura even likes me or is just being friendly. I think I am just one of those people that can never be satisfied no matter how good things are. It's a bad thing. Now I'll have to survive another 4 days right next to her >.> I feel like I am breaking point.

 

You know what actually, I think I'll tell my gf about everything and see what her reaction is. Maybe it will jolt her into action. However she has never appeared particularly concerned when I've talked to / hung out with other girls. Just kind of a "meh" thing, even though I see a girl I hooked up before with once a week (sister of teammate).

 

Thanks for the responses from every single person. Apologies I didn't respond to any individually, however I am taking them all aboard.

[Eclypse]

She doesn't mind getting drunk at work? Classy.

 

Is that what you meant when you said she acts like a "bimbo?"

 

Lol! I think it was some special lunch thing. She is not averse to drinking a lot though What I meant before was that she acts all ditzy and "blonde" and girly and flirty, but she is actually very intelligent and educated. I have to say that it is an attractive quality in a way.