Dionna Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 (edited) I was in a rs for 10 years with my first love. He left me for someone else. it was a long process of when I found out about them and him telling me he's trying to ending things with that girl (who's 10 yrs younger than he is) which I admit he did try but the girl just refused to let him go and he didn't want to be a bad person to break up with her when he was the one who initiated things with them. The whole thing lasted 6 months. He tried to break it off but she refused to leave and he "trying" half heartedly. Throughout the 6 months, I've seen how conniving this girl is - spinning lies and tales to gain sympathy from him, making him doubt me, confusing him and encouraging him to break up with me and such. We were planning marriage and she started throwing herself at him and eventually they slept together. The marriage never happened (which is a good thing i guess) In the end I left and let them be together and never attempted to contact him at all. about 2 months after I left he suddenly contacted me through MSN telling me that he got me something and wanted to pass it to me, I told him to send it through post which he initially agreed but he didn't ask me for my address and few weeks later he suddenly asked me to meet up with him so that he could pass me that gift which I rejected because I haven't really healed. He didn't say much of what is going on but at the end of the conversation he said he was sorry and asked me to forgive him for what he did to me. I answered No and logged off. He stayed out of contact for about 2 weeks and I blocked him off MSN and suddenly on a weekend he sent me a text message asking me if I am turning up for an annual event which we used to go. I'm under the impression that he will never step into this event ever again because most people there knew we were a couple and 1 of the closer friend from there knows what he did (his infidelity) and he did mention before that he will never go there anymore. So I'm pretty surprised that he decided to turn up for the event but in the end I didn't go and he asked me if I want him to help me do up some registration thing. I avoided his question and just answered him that I'm not going and I'm out of the country. He replied me back asking me to enjoy my trip. When he wanted me out he told me he fell in love with that girl and all and no longer has feelings for me. From what I see the girl is a pretty pretentious person and I caught her in her lies a few times with my ex bearing witness to it but still he preferred to believe her than me. the scary part about this young 21 year old girl is that she is able to lie through her teeth then not only deny what she said, can still manage to turn it to her benefit and make her look good instead. Barely a few months into the rs with that girl he gave that girl a good portion of his savings for her studies (which she claims she hadn't asked for it and he offered it to her on his own and refused to pay him back for it). well in the end, i had to leave because he felt that throughout it all I was giving him tremendous stress and he feels so comfortable with that girl because that girl chose to pretend I don't exist so that it'd seem that he belonged to her solely. (b!tch) When he finally decided that he wanted that girl, he told me he don't know if his decision is the right one.. he knew I was the better choice and he's kind of worried how the future would be without me since I was a huge portion in his life for the past 10 years and all... Question is I'm not so good at deciphering ppl's mentality and I don't know what he wants from me. He cut me up deep and barely 3 months after the breakup he's asking for forgiveness, saying that I am a good person and wants to meet up. It's not often that he contacts me though but it's still not making me feel good. My friends had been telling me that he probably regrets it, the girl probably showed her true colors, he's probably feeling the loss, maybe the girl already left him, he's just trying to soften me up so that he can worm his way back etc etc.. I'm so confused.... I told my friend that he probably just wants me to forgive him so that he could feel better but my friend's pov is that during the whole 6 mths ordeal he didn't really regret his actions, nor did he even think he was wrong, him suddenly wanting to apologize and all just signals that something is wrong with his rs with that girl and he is regretting it. He was someone whom I loved dearly and I can't deny that I still harbor hopes that we can get back together and try to work it out once again. But I don't know what is it he wants from me... Did he just want forgiveness? He just felt bad and wanted to know how I was doing? Is he really regretting? Does he want me back as well? Edited June 19, 2012 by Dionna
GLDheart Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 (edited) My sympathies to you. I recognize that you have dignity in your strength of character. I think he may be at the feeling the loss stage. It didn't work out with the cookoo bird and he is afraid of being alone. YES you are one heck of a catch. I feel like his actions are proof he is realizing it once again. I wonder what it says about him that he ever had to forget it in the first place. Oh, and if I had to put money on the table somewhere, I'd say PART of him wants you back at this point. That is the portion he is showing you... After three months he should probably have a bit of the crazies left that allowed him to leave in the first place. Edited June 19, 2012 by GLDheart
Author Dionna Posted June 20, 2012 Author Posted June 20, 2012 My sympathies to you. I recognize that you have dignity in your strength of character. I think he may be at the feeling the loss stage. It didn't work out with the cookoo bird and he is afraid of being alone. YES you are one heck of a catch. I feel like his actions are proof he is realizing it once again. I wonder what it says about him that he ever had to forget it in the first place. Oh, and if I had to put money on the table somewhere, I'd say PART of him wants you back at this point. That is the portion he is showing you... After three months he should probably have a bit of the crazies left that allowed him to leave in the first place. Thank you for your reply and encouragement I really feel very confused and quite upset because I was under the impression that he hated me enough to want me to get out of his life since we broke up under very trying circumstances and something happened on the last day we were together that had both of us leaving fuming... He seems to love this girl so much and just can't see her faults at all and keeps finding excuses for her. He seems to feel this girl is very pure and even calls her angel (there's nothing angelic about her at all!) and even when I showed him proof that this girl has been telling him so many lies and all he just doesn't believe me and chose to believe that girl. It was very apparent I hadn't meant anything to him anymore. I didn't take the breakup very well and had been trying to numb myself of the pain and trying to pick up the pieces and live my own life. I certainly hadn't expected him to try to contact me (at least not that soon). Just an MSN conversation with him set me off in panic and I couldn't show it. I certainly hadn't expected him to get me a gift, never expected he'd apologize nor ask for forgiveness and never thought he'd try to ask me out at all. All these questions I have but I had no way of finding out unless I ask him which I don't want to. I don't know what's happening with him and that girl: Did he finally start to realize this girl is not as good as he thinks? The girl, having successfully gotten him, is starting to not treat him as well as she initially did? He is feeling the loss of me since I used to take care of all his needs and all That girl is trying to suck him out of his remaining savings but he refused to give in and that created a lot of conflicts? (I did warn him that this girl is very money minded and told him to take care of his money, she was also the one who influenced him into thinking that money is so much more important than anything else in the world while I had been influencing him that there are things more important than money etc) Many people had been telling me that the signs are that he's starting to miss me and could be trying to mend relations between us but I don't want to put too much hope on that since he's not like persistently trying to contact me but only once in a while (when he feels like it? ) But I reckoned he doesn't have to ask me out to apologize, he could post what he wants to give me, it might have took him quite a bit of courage to contact me again (and risk me blasting out at him again) to apologize and all. And lastly, how could he even try to ask me out when he's already attached?! It's quite disrespectful to his new gf don't you think? :(
Author Dionna Posted June 20, 2012 Author Posted June 20, 2012 My sympathies to you. I recognize that you have dignity in your strength of character. I think he may be at the feeling the loss stage. It didn't work out with the cookoo bird and he is afraid of being alone. YES you are one heck of a catch. I feel like his actions are proof he is realizing it once again. I wonder what it says about him that he ever had to forget it in the first place. Oh, and if I had to put money on the table somewhere, I'd say PART of him wants you back at this point. That is the portion he is showing you... After three months he should probably have a bit of the crazies left that allowed him to leave in the first place. this part here: he used to criticize me and said that I always said he's wrong, keep pointing out his shortcomings but I myself is not of good character... so i think him telling me I am an ace human now is probably to restore a bit of confidence in me? but i dare swear that when I was with him I just wanted him to be a better person, not materialistically but more like nurturing his character. I point out his character flaws is not to criticize him but to remind him to improve on his flaws, that's all. It's sad that he took it as I was hinting that I am a better person than him when I really hadn't thought so... :( I spent 10 years nurturing him and slowly influencing him positively and that b1tch just undid what I did in a matter of months! I told him to think of consequences of actions, not to tell lies because eventually it will catch up on him, be considerate of others, if many people has issues about him the problem probably lies in him etc etc... while I taught him how to love others, that girl only taught him how to hate.... thinking back now, how could he ever fall for someone like this?
norajane Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 He seems to love this girl so much and just can't see her faults at all and keeps finding excuses for her. He seems to feel this girl is very pure and even calls her angel (there's nothing angelic about her at all!) and even when I showed him proof that this girl has been telling him so many lies and all he just doesn't believe me and chose to believe that girl. It was very apparent I hadn't meant anything to him anymore. You really shouldn't be hoping and wishing for a guy like this to come back into your life. A guy like this is not a guy whom you can trust. A guy like this is only going to keep hurting you over and over as long as you let him. It shouldn't matter what he wants and what he's doing. You know what he did and how he treated you - like you didn't matter at all. After 10 years, he just shut you out like you were nothing. You don't need and shouldn't want a man like that in your life.
Author Dionna Posted June 20, 2012 Author Posted June 20, 2012 You really shouldn't be hoping and wishing for a guy like this to come back into your life. A guy like this is not a guy whom you can trust. A guy like this is only going to keep hurting you over and over as long as you let him. It shouldn't matter what he wants and what he's doing. You know what he did and how he treated you - like you didn't matter at all. After 10 years, he just shut you out like you were nothing. You don't need and shouldn't want a man like that in your life. hello norajane, Thank you for your reply... that's what I am thinking too... he's just not worth the effort and time. I've considered if we could ever work things out and all but I think it's going to be very very tough when I'm the only one rowing the boat. But I have to admit that it's so very tempting to just fall back into the familiar zone. I don't want to deny that I do want to meet him because I really miss him but I'm not showing it and I am just trying to keep my emotions in check. I know I shouldn't be thinking what is going on in his life but instead concentrate on working on my own life but I hope you will understand that it is not easy for me to just move on with a snap of my finger. Perhaps I am harboring false hopes or anything but I feel that maybe trying to analyse his moves will enable me to decide better how I should take the next step. I'll admit it will be a wonderful boost to my ego if he really wants me back and hopefully I will have the guts to just brush him off
GLDheart Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 I don't know him but he shows similar patterns. It makes me want questions to a few answers for your protection: Does he need a little support in this uncertain time of his? and will he disappear after you boost him back up? If he wants you back why? and does he have any remorse for your harm? Does he one moment want you back and the next moment prefer his freedom or the other woman? Is he willing to never see her again and pick you 100%? If it was me (and it might as well be hence my reason to be on this forum), I'd want those answers.
Author Dionna Posted June 20, 2012 Author Posted June 20, 2012 I don't know him but he shows similar patterns. It makes me want questions to a few answers for your protection: Does he need a little support in this uncertain time of his? and will he disappear after you boost him back up? If he wants you back why? and does he have any remorse for your harm? Does he one moment want you back and the next moment prefer his freedom or the other woman? Is he willing to never see her again and pick you 100%? If it was me (and it might as well be hence my reason to be on this forum), I'd want those answers. these are my exact questions! he didn't ask me back and I'm not sure if he ever will. I consulted a few guy friends and they pointed out that he might actually be considering or else why would he even try to ask me out when after what happened we shouldn't even be contacting. One of my friends mentions that he could be comparing between her and me. It was probably a low point in his life with her then he started to think of me, but when he's ok with her, he will just ignore me, that's why he is like zipping in and out of my life. I am so confused... I don't know what he wants from me and I can't ignore even if I want to. I'm just wondering if I'm a clown acting out in a one man show - he's just contacting me for old times' sake without any motives but I over-imagine and over-analyze his intentions. To be honest he doesn't contact me often, it's like MSN once in a week or two kind. What disturbs me is when he MSN me it feels just like how it was when we were together. He sounds so familiar and even joked around with me jovially and I definitely have no idea at all what he is thinking! How could it be like nothing for him when I feel so crushed and wary inside? I've promised myself the next time he wants to meet me I will go and I will clear everything with him. If he wants me back I will question him and make him prove it with actions that he sincerely will change, if he doesn't want me back and it was just randomness that he's contacting I will ask him to get out of my life and not to keep on reminding me of his presence. I think he owes me at least that to let me move on with my life.
GLDheart Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 Your ex has more flip flops than the beach. Dionna. I have something for you that you may benefit from. It helped me put things into a new light: Google and read up on "Attachment Theory" I think you will like seeing how your ex fits in to this all.
norajane Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 If he wants me back I will question him and make him prove it with actions that he sincerely will change, What kind of actions would prove to you that he would sincerely change, and in a year or two, he won't take up with someone else and drop you like a hot potato again? I know I shouldn't be thinking what is going on in his life but instead concentrate on working on my own life but I hope you will understand that it is not easy for me to just move on with a snap of my finger. Oh, I do understand how hard it is! A 10 year relationship is not easy or quick to get over! Being dumped the way you were makes it even harder. I just want to make sure you understand that you have seen his true colors and proof of what kind of man he is already; wanting things to go back the way they were with him and hoping that he can change can be very appealing, but it doesn't make it realistic. Has he gone to therapy to figure out what his issues are that made it possible for him to treat you like dirt like that after 10 years? Has he admitted to and apologized for his actions and the way he treated you? Does he understand how devastating it is to be cheated on and left for someone else? Does he see how weak he is to be drawn in by a con artist? How has he worked on improving himself and his strength of character and morals? See? He can't just contact you and joke around on IM and expect things to be just fine with you. You can't sweep it under the rug because you are hurting so bad and just want things back to "normal" again.
Author Dionna Posted June 21, 2012 Author Posted June 21, 2012 Your ex has more flip flops than the beach. Dionna. I have something for you that you may benefit from. It helped me put things into a new light: Google and read up on "Attachment Theory" I think you will like seeing how your ex fits in to this all. Thank you for pointing me in this direction... it's indeed insightful but I have a problem trying to fit him and myself in the explanation... I am guessing I'll need to read and ponder on it a little bit before I can understand... He's an insecure person, low self-esteem, lack of self confidence and constantly worried. I suppose all his traits is a result of his childhood which is kind of troubled... I feel sad for him actually... What kind of actions would prove to you that he would sincerely change, and in a year or two, he won't take up with someone else and drop you like a hot potato again? Oh, I do understand how hard it is! A 10 year relationship is not easy or quick to get over! Being dumped the way you were makes it even harder. I just want to make sure you understand that you have seen his true colors and proof of what kind of man he is already; wanting things to go back the way they were with him and hoping that he can change can be very appealing, but it doesn't make it realistic. Has he gone to therapy to figure out what his issues are that made it possible for him to treat you like dirt like that after 10 years? Has he admitted to and apologized for his actions and the way he treated you? Does he understand how devastating it is to be cheated on and left for someone else? Does he see how weak he is to be drawn in by a con artist? How has he worked on improving himself and his strength of character and morals? See? He can't just contact you and joke around on IM and expect things to be just fine with you. You can't sweep it under the rug because you are hurting so bad and just want things back to "normal" again. Recently I have been asking myself: What do I really want in my partner? In this rs I had only concentrated on giving him what he wants but I seldom thought of what I wanted. After pondering through I realized that there's little he can do to earn that trust back again, even if he does my insecurities is probably going to give him a lot of trouble. And I do realize now even if we do get back together, who knows if he will just dump me again when he decides the other one is "better" or worse yet find someone else more interesting. This is something he can never really convince me. Throughout our time together he stuck with me because he knows that I genuinely loved him and I take care of his needs and all. He did love me and showed it in his way but his love for me is dependent on the situation... He loves me when all is good but when something crops up I'm at the receiving end of blames and all. I accepted his flaws because I recognize that no one is perfect and tried to help him be a better person. He knows this and appreciated it but I think that's all there is. I believe for my breakup I played a part in it too. I neglected him quite a bit when I was busy with my work and this girl, who works with him, had an edge over me during that period and it sort of nurtured. Right from the start this girl wanted him for herself even when he told her he will never leave me for her, she just pretended to accept being the passive 3rd party and is contented with that. I never seen this girl and only spoken to her over the phone once - to ask her to give him up, he was right beside me and that was what he wanted at that time too. I don't know much about her but I could never understand why she pestered and hung on to him when he told her he can't be with her, it was a mistake and he don't want it to continue on, he was with her because he was lonely and it was a mistake etc etc... She kept going on with blaming him for breaking his promises to her and "demanded" for money because he promised to give it to her. I peeped into his phone back then just to see what is really going on and what had me hanging there for 6 months was proof that he really was trying to end things with her but she just kept going on and on playing with his guilt and sympathy, spinning tales about her "sad" life, blaming him for hurting her and causing her to have depression, accusing him of making her a fool when others warned her about him but she chose to believe him etc etc. My mistake during that period is that I gave him a lot of stress to end things with her while all she did was just pretend I don't exist and continued treating him as her bf. She tried to hold his hands and kiss him many times but he pushed her away yet she still continued to do that. Then she started to challenge me: started to plant doubts in him about me - calling and sending him text messages on weekends when I am with him and then blaming him when he doesn't answer or reply, saying that I am forcing him into marriage, saying that I refused to let him go because of our 10 yrs tog and not because I loved him, saying that I am manipulating him etc etc The way she said it made it sound so convincing and logical that I don't really blame him for believing because once that seed of doubt is planted anything that I do that hints that direction is just going to affirm his doubts. I know that on most part it's his fault for starting everything and not being firm enough. But I can't help blaming that girl either because I hadn't done anything to her but she was fighting with all her might using deceit and clever words. There was once he tried to break it off with her and ran away from her literally and hid in some place where she couldn't find him - she kept calling and sending him text messages and then told him she got molested and fell down "how could you do this to me?" Yeah right such a coincidence all the time! He was so guilty about this and she always uses this kind of tactics to mess with his mind! When we were on holiday together she sent texts to him saying that there's a guy trying to hook up with her etc etc I'm not trying to be bitchy but she isn't exactly a looker If you ask me if I hate him I'd say yes I do, I've seen how weak he is - full of lies, excuses, complaints etc etc How he hadn't fought hard enough for me, how he was just so weak against her. I hate that b!tch too because throughout it all she had been nothing but a bag full of schemes, lies, deceit and shamelessness but yet claim herself to be of good virtues. Now it's like the virtues that I uphold, the beliefs that I held that one should be upright and righteous is all used against me when lies, deceit and schemes seems to work instead... so it's really affecting me a lot more than I thought it would. I know I shouldn't harbor hopes of it ever working out again nor should I believe that he would change for the better but I just can't help it at this moment and I don't know how to handle this grief. The 10 yrs we had were real, it might not always be happy and has its share of problems. I might be delusional but I'm hoping that he regrets enough to change himself and if it really happens I will want to change my expectations of him. Is it wrong to think this way?
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