4givrnt4gtr Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 So Im livid...and quite frankly more than a little disappointed.. Ive been dating this guy for almost two months now and so far he is pretty cool. Smart, really good looking, we got what we both feel, a really good connection in many levels and share a lot of the same values.... But then..sometimes I notice he makes certain comments that, although perhaps joking, kinda sound like he feels I should be thanking my lucky stars for being dating him...for example, on one of our first dates we went hiking and he shared he has only dated one girl when he was 19 for 2 years, and after that he just focused on school and now his career...this made me wonder and just kept thinking about why he has been single for almost 5 years, given that he is good looking and seemingly, a good catch. So at some point in the hike, after a loooong silence I asked him what he was looking for in a girl, thinking he may be picky, which is why he's been single for so long... He answered with.."Dont worry, I like you, you are my type" Another time he messaged me and I asked him how he was. He said he was tired and then said " But dont worry!! I will stay to chat for a bit!". It made me feel like he was insinuating I was waiting on bathed breath for him to talk to me all day...it irritated me. Well it finally pissed me off today, as it totally crossed the line. We were talking and I was telling him something about my family. I have to add here that he is white and I am Latina. So after I told him the story of what had happened this weekend, that had nothing to do with any cultural thing, and in fact involved another white in law, he said "crazy Latino families...dont worry, Im too strong to be affected by it " !! Yeah that pissed me off...I didnt even know what to say....I asked him what he meant and he said he was too strong a person to be affected by the crazy dynamics of a latino family. I was pissed...didnt know what to say to that..I tried to defend my family, saying that what I had just told him had nothing to do with being of my culture. I changed the subject because I just didnt want to deal with it and thought I was being too sensitive, and told him another story about me nephew, who calls me "Tia" which is "aunt" in Spanish. He asked me to repeat what I had said and I did...so he laughed and said that it sounds like something that would be "a thing" and said that there must be a lot of Tia Marias", then proceeded to make a joke about how it sounded like it should be a type of bakery in Mexico. Again I didnt know what to say, and I had to hang up so I told him I would call him later. When I was able to call him back I was really annoyed, so somehow we began talking about the hiking date and how he had stayed quiet for 2 hours...he said he just had to make it hard on me, to which I said that he was making it hard on himself...and then that gave way to me telling him how i sometimes feel he thinks I should be so lucky to be with him given his comments. I also said that sometimes some of his comments are kind of racists and make me uncomfortable. He said sorry, and got really quiet. After a while I asked if he was ok and he said he was thinking about what I had said, and that he didnt mean to come across like that. After that he got quiet once again and a few seconds later said he had to go. So...yeah Im still pissed and kind of hurt. It makes me sad to think that he feels my culture is something he has to be strong against, and ofcourse it made me wonder if this is the reason I have sensed he feels superior to me. Am I being too sensitive about this??
xisnotx Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 Well, your sensitivity is part of what makes you you...and you can never be too you...you should always be you to the fullest regardless of who you actually are. I'm surprised he didn't immediately try to deny it. It probably means he likes you more than he thought he did..if that makes sense. He seems to be willing to hear you out but it is kind of concerned about the accusation. It's actually a pretty hard position for a white guy to be in these days...it's one thing if another guy accuses you of racism...but a girl you like? He has to actually take that seriously. It sounds to me like he likes you enough to take what you have to say seriously. I'd expect him to be a bit more sensitive in that area, but he probably won't bring it up again. However, if you do, you can expect a well thought out explanation and an accompanying apology. Finally, women are "too" a lot of things. It's part of what makes them worth it. So yeah, you probably are making mountains out mole hills...but it's what you're good for. Just my two cents. 2
fishtaco Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 Wow... Hmmm... There are two possible ways to look at this: 1) You need to chill out. Give the man the benefit of the doubt. Trust that he's not throwing verbal jabs at you every chance he gets. 2) You don't need to chill out. He's pissing you off, so why would you want to date a man that pisses you off? Which perspective is right? I don't know. You make the call.
MrCastle Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 I don't think he would be dating you if he were racist. His comments were insensitive but maybe that wasn't his intent. I'm hispanic (puerto rican) but my family and I were born and raised in NY, I can't even speak a word of spanish. I have friends of all different cultures, and sometimes we make jokes about each other that, if you didn't have thick skin, you probably wouldn't appreciate. But we're close and we know what our boundaries are and we don't cross them. With all that said, you've already made it clear you had a problem with what he said. He apologized. Not more can be done. Unless he does it again, and it becomes a pattern, then you have to cut him loose. 1
pureinheart Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 Love, the first part of your post sounds like a guy I dated and almost married...he sounds kinda full of himself lacking in people skills. I could be wrong, although that was my first reaction to what I read... Three quarters of my family is Latina and when we all get together we are all crazy and we like it like dat! You know, I really don't understand why he said he had to make it hard on you...what's up with that? Was he testing you? He doesn't sound racist, although I don't think he knows how to interact with people period. If you don't hear from him again then he does feel superior IMO...not just because you are a different culture, but because you are a person. (((((((((((hugs)))))))))) and I hope all works out for you:)
pureinheart Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 I don't think he would be dating you if he were racist. His comments were insensitive but maybe that wasn't his intent. I'm hispanic (puerto rican) but my family and I were born and raised in NY, I can't even speak a word of spanish. I have friends of all different cultures, and sometimes we make jokes about each other that, if you didn't have thick skin, you probably wouldn't appreciate. But we're close and we know what our boundaries are and we don't cross them. With all that said, you've already made it clear you had a problem with what he said. He apologized. Not more can be done. Unless he does it again, and it becomes a pattern, then you have to cut him loose. My daughter and her friends do too, as they are all a variety of races and cultures...the key word is "close" ...you are all close and know where the other is coming from.
angie2443 Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 "crazy Latino families...dont worry, Im too strong to be affected by it " !! Yeah that pissed me off...I didnt even know what to say....I asked him what he meant and he said he was too strong a person to be affected by the crazy dynamics of a latino family. " I don't think you're bieng over sensitive. He sounds at least annoying and very full of himself, not just in the quoted example, but the other examples you gave. I don't know if he's racist by what you wrote, but he does have some silly stereotypes it seems. Honestly, if I were in your shoes, I think I'd look somewhere else for a partner. Just my two cents:)
angie2443 Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 He doesn't sound like someone who cares about race, just an American Archie Bunker type. If you don't like it, date your own kind where there are none of these misunderstandings. Maybe having common ground, culturally and spiritually, is more important than looks. This made me laugh because I couldn't stand Archie Bunker! I think it would have been a nightmare living with someone like that, even if he didn't make stupid coments about race.
ohmygoshistalk Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 (edited) while he might not be racist, mainly because he is dating you. if he was racist he wouldnt. im only speaking because the same thing happened between me and a guy friend. he'd always say these offensive remarks about everyone who is either black or asian or he'd say something offensive about a religion he didnt understand or know anything about. at one point he offended me so much i broke into tears. :/ he wasnt like that before, frankly this guy who is my friend doesnt go out much. he doesnt seem to have a lot of real life friends, he doesnt talk to anyone at all. in short he is socially inept. being socially inept might make (most probably) make a person say the wrong things, because they are not used to being with other people. also,most people use stereotypes ..when dealing with things they dont know anything about.. example: (insert race here)people like to fix umbrellas and pick noses (insert race here)like to be on welfare (insert country here) has a lot of people pooping in public, just pulling their pants down and doing their deed right then and there (yes this was the one that made me burst into tears-he really did say this to me about my country). anyway i think this guy is too socially inept to be with you, there are SO many guys out there who dont make these remarks. to be honest, that guy who offended me a lot was just 1 out of 1 million guys i know. he is not the last guy on earth. dont stay with someone who makes u feel bad, whether or not ur sensitive. that is not the point. i honestly believe there are things people shouldn't say or joke about. this is one of them. ignorance is not bliss. http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Socially%20Inept Unable to judge and improvise interactions with other people in a acceptable or 'normal' manner. By a mix of being too keen or plain ignorant the socially inept seem to live in their own world exempt from who they're talking to. Edited June 19, 2012 by ohmygoshistalk
Pierre Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 So Im livid...and quite frankly more than a little disappointed.. Ive been dating this guy for almost two months now and so far he is pretty cool. Smart, really good looking, we got what we both feel, a really good connection in many levels and share a lot of the same values.... But then..sometimes I notice he makes certain comments that, although perhaps joking, kinda sound like he feels I should be thanking my lucky stars for being dating him...for example, on one of our first dates we went hiking and he shared he has only dated one girl when he was 19 for 2 years, and after that he just focused on school and now his career...this made me wonder and just kept thinking about why he has been single for almost 5 years, given that he is good looking and seemingly, a good catch. So at some point in the hike, after a loooong silence I asked him what he was looking for in a girl, thinking he may be picky, which is why he's been single for so long... He answered with.."Dont worry, I like you, you are my type" Another time he messaged me and I asked him how he was. He said he was tired and then said " But dont worry!! I will stay to chat for a bit!". It made me feel like he was insinuating I was waiting on bathed breath for him to talk to me all day...it irritated me. Well it finally pissed me off today, as it totally crossed the line. We were talking and I was telling him something about my family. I have to add here that he is white and I am Latina. So after I told him the story of what had happened this weekend, that had nothing to do with any cultural thing, and in fact involved another white in law, he said "crazy Latino families...dont worry, Im too strong to be affected by it " !! Yeah that pissed me off...I didnt even know what to say....I asked him what he meant and he said he was too strong a person to be affected by the crazy dynamics of a latino family. I was pissed...didnt know what to say to that..I tried to defend my family, saying that what I had just told him had nothing to do with being of my culture. I changed the subject because I just didnt want to deal with it and thought I was being too sensitive, and told him another story about me nephew, who calls me "Tia" which is "aunt" in Spanish. He asked me to repeat what I had said and I did...so he laughed and said that it sounds like something that would be "a thing" and said that there must be a lot of Tia Marias", then proceeded to make a joke about how it sounded like it should be a type of bakery in Mexico. Again I didnt know what to say, and I had to hang up so I told him I would call him later. When I was able to call him back I was really annoyed, so somehow we began talking about the hiking date and how he had stayed quiet for 2 hours...he said he just had to make it hard on me, to which I said that he was making it hard on himself...and then that gave way to me telling him how i sometimes feel he thinks I should be so lucky to be with him given his comments. I also said that sometimes some of his comments are kind of racists and make me uncomfortable. He said sorry, and got really quiet. After a while I asked if he was ok and he said he was thinking about what I had said, and that he didnt mean to come across like that. After that he got quiet once again and a few seconds later said he had to go. So...yeah Im still pissed and kind of hurt. It makes me sad to think that he feels my culture is something he has to be strong against, and ofcourse it made me wonder if this is the reason I have sensed he feels superior to me. Am I being too sensitive about this?? You sound too sensitive. If you were Italian and he had said the same things about crazy Italian families it not be a big deal to you. BTW, latino is not a race. Latinos can be black, indigenous, or European. 1
wezol Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 You sound way too sensitive. Get over it. As far a the crazy Latina comment, I don't see how that was racist. Most Latino families are crazy, but in a good fun part kind of place. Some of the funnest parties I've ever been to were hosted by a Latino family. Crazy does not always equal "koo-koo", crazy can also mean "fun, outgoing", which is how I'm sure he was meaning it. I've also heard MANY latina friends of mine describe their family as crazy... Stop finding things to get stupid about.
oneluv443 Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 your way to sensitive. no offense. my boyfriend is black and i am the whiteest girl you will ever see and if those comments bother you then oh man lol. his dad always says to me when i say normal things like "oh that looks nice" he'll say "thats very white of you to say". they make race jokes all the time and so do i. i dont think he sounds racist at all. but if it bothers you then i guess you should tell him your offended so he doesn't continue. it probably doesn't bother him at all that your latina and hes white and so he feels comfortable saying whatever. when u said he said dont worry your my type i like you , and the other comment saying he'll talk for a bit ... he jus sounds a little cocky.
Eddie Edirol Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 He does sound socially inept, unless he has experience latinas in the past and they actually had crazy families. I know I do, Latina women love me because I look Dominican, and I have seen my share of crazy families. But every ethnicity has their share of crazy families, so if he is talking from ignorance and not experience, he is socially inept. Either way, you are being too sensitive. Take it easy on the guy, hes a guy, when he jokes, its not meant to taken so literally. Do you know how to tell jokes and sarcasm? Are you to be taken completely seriously when you do? Of course not, you told him it bothered you, let him learn from it. I understand you might wonder where his head is at as far as racism is concerned, but dont worry about it yet. If he is going to say something really bad, you'll know, and you wont be on the fence about it. But to your credit, at least you are looking out for red flags, good job!
FitChick Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 He sounds like a great catch for a confident, centered woman. You sound like you have low self-esteem and feel you aren't good enough for him. Why not date a Latino who understands you and your culture?
SJC2008 Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 Saying crazy Latino familys, I'm too strong is very insensitive IMO. Hell you just met and he's making comments like that. Imagine how he'd be once you both reached a level of comfort. There's a very slight chance he's kidding and was trying to be funny but since you're posting about it it sounds like he said it in a serious tone so that's not good. Don't know if you live in the US but there's really no excuse to be that clueless to when it comes to race here so he sound's very un PC so I'd keep my head on a swivel and see if he keeps it up.
Pierre Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 Saying crazy Latino familys, I'm too strong is very insensitive IMO. Hell you just met and he's making comments like that. Imagine how he'd be once you both reached a level of comfort. There's a very slight chance he's kidding and was trying to be funny but since you're posting about it it sounds like he said it in a serious tone so that's not good. Don't know if you live in the US but there's really no excuse to be that clueless to when it comes to race here so he sound's very un PC so I'd keep my head on a swivel and see if he keeps it up. I disagree! Latino or Hispanic is a culture and not a race. Latinos can be black, indigenous, or European.
Almond_Joy Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 I think it's natural to feel initially offended when someone speaks negatively of the culture you identify with. It also sounds like this guy is not ethnocentric, really, he just has a different understanding of your culture than your experience has lent you. Also he is confident, not arrogant or boastful. He has positive self-esteem - which is healthy - and has not belittled you in any way based on the comments you've shared here. I'd recommend that you be more confident, or at least don't be phased by other people's negative perceptions of your culture. If you know they're not true why waste the energy being flustered about it? That goes for anybody - loved ones, friends, colleagues, strangers...whatever. Their perception's not your problem. If it means so much to you for him to have a generally postiive impression of your culture, maybe you can bring him around your family more or take him to latino culture-centric events if he's up for it. He sounds like he'd be open to an experience that challenges his current perceptions. 1
ohmygoshistalk Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 im enjoying the posts where people suggest she get it on w/ "her own people". sigh. i did always want to go back in the 60s.
Feelsgoodman Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 In fairness, latinos tend to be very emotional/dramatic, so even a normal latino family can be seen as fairly "crazy" by white man's standards.
anne1707 Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 (edited) He sounds like a great catch for a confident, centered woman. You sound like you have low self-esteem and feel you aren't good enough for him. Why not date a Latino who understands you and your culture? ........................................ Edited June 19, 2012 by anne1707
mesmerized Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 You sound too sensitive. If you were Italian and he had said the same things about crazy Italian families it not be a big deal to you. BTW, latino is not a race. Latinos can be black, indigenous, or European. Italians ARE kinda crazy I say it to the guys who try to win points with me for being Italian. If anything, it might lessen my interest when I find out their heritage. OP, welcome to my life. I can't do anything without people trying to find cultural reasons for it. Even if I dress like everybody does, it's because I'm from another culture, no joke It sucks, if he makes a lot of comments like this, just move on to another guy who is more understanding.
olivec Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 So Im livid...and quite frankly more than a little disappointed.. Ive been dating this guy for almost two months now and so far he is pretty cool. Smart, really good looking, we got what we both feel, a really good connection in many levels and share a lot of the same values.... But then..sometimes I notice he makes certain comments that, although perhaps joking, kinda sound like he feels I should be thanking my lucky stars for being dating him...for example, on one of our first dates we went hiking and he shared he has only dated one girl when he was 19 for 2 years, and after that he just focused on school and now his career...this made me wonder and just kept thinking about why he has been single for almost 5 years, given that he is good looking and seemingly, a good catch. So at some point in the hike, after a loooong silence I asked him what he was looking for in a girl, thinking he may be picky, which is why he's been single for so long... He answered with.."Dont worry, I like you, you are my type" Another time he messaged me and I asked him how he was. He said he was tired and then said " But dont worry!! I will stay to chat for a bit!". It made me feel like he was insinuating I was waiting on bathed breath for him to talk to me all day...it irritated me. Well it finally pissed me off today, as it totally crossed the line. We were talking and I was telling him something about my family. I have to add here that he is white and I am Latina. So after I told him the story of what had happened this weekend, that had nothing to do with any cultural thing, and in fact involved another white in law, he said "crazy Latino families...dont worry, Im too strong to be affected by it " !! Yeah that pissed me off...I didnt even know what to say....I asked him what he meant and he said he was too strong a person to be affected by the crazy dynamics of a latino family. I was pissed...didnt know what to say to that..I tried to defend my family, saying that what I had just told him had nothing to do with being of my culture. I changed the subject because I just didnt want to deal with it and thought I was being too sensitive, and told him another story about me nephew, who calls me "Tia" which is "aunt" in Spanish. He asked me to repeat what I had said and I did...so he laughed and said that it sounds like something that would be "a thing" and said that there must be a lot of Tia Marias", then proceeded to make a joke about how it sounded like it should be a type of bakery in Mexico. Again I didnt know what to say, and I had to hang up so I told him I would call him later. When I was able to call him back I was really annoyed, so somehow we began talking about the hiking date and how he had stayed quiet for 2 hours...he said he just had to make it hard on me, to which I said that he was making it hard on himself...and then that gave way to me telling him how i sometimes feel he thinks I should be so lucky to be with him given his comments. I also said that sometimes some of his comments are kind of racists and make me uncomfortable. He said sorry, and got really quiet. After a while I asked if he was ok and he said he was thinking about what I had said, and that he didnt mean to come across like that. After that he got quiet once again and a few seconds later said he had to go. So...yeah Im still pissed and kind of hurt. It makes me sad to think that he feels my culture is something he has to be strong against, and ofcourse it made me wonder if this is the reason I have sensed he feels superior to me. Am I being too sensitive about this?? You gotta get rid of him asap. Its only gunna be a short amount of time until he calls you a racist name directly to your face. Then try to apoligise afterwards. Do you really wanna go through that all the time? Hes being direspectful to your family and your culture. Thats not a person you wanna be in a relationship with. Get rid of him now before it gets worse!
kaylan Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 Racist? No. Socially inept and culturally insensitive? Yes. 1
kaylan Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 In fairness, latinos tend to be very emotional/dramatic, so even a normal latino family can be seen as fairly "crazy" by white man's standards. Jeez you really have a habit of saying racist, sexist, stereotypical or generalized things dont you? Latinos cover a WIDE variety of cultures and no two are the same. Gosh some people are so ignorant about hispanic folks. I can tell you from experience that Columbian family is very different from a Puerto Rican family. Just because theyre both latinos doesnt mean they will share this supposed "crazy" latino trait.
Feelsgoodman Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 Jeez you really have a habit of saying racist, sexist, stereotypical or generalized things dont you? Latinos cover a WIDE variety of cultures and no two are the same. Gosh some people are so ignorant about hispanic folks. I can tell you from experience that Columbian family is very different from a Puerto Rican family. Just because theyre both latinos doesnt mean they will share this supposed "crazy" latino trait. "Crazy latino traits" originate in the country Spain, where all hispanic countries trace their heritage from. No one says that all latin cultures are all the same, but there is certainly a great deal of similarity. Also, seeing how there is no "latino race", how can I be accused of racism? You sound like a typical leftist dweeb who finds racism everywhere.
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