Ducky23 Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 Me and MM have been doing this A thing for about 16 months. He swears he loves me, wants to be with me, there is talk of buying a house, babies, marriage, the whole 9 yards. He's been with W for about 12 years now (high school sweethearts) and swears he's never cheated before he met me. He made all of the first moves, said ILY first, is very affectionate and forgiving(?) in our relationship(?). I got pregnant about 3-4 months in and we mutually decided to abort (I'm a 'single' mom with 3 kids already), and he stated then "we can always try later". He was waiting for W to get a job (she hadn't worked in over 2 years and is lazy), because he didn't want to leave her high and dry ("I don't wish anything bad on the woman I just don't want to be with her" he says) and he wanted to make sure A) she didn't screw him in D and B) she was set so that she was self-sufficient. Last year (she's a schoolteacher) she got a contract, started working, and things were looking up. Then it was "paying down debt" and "make sure she contracts for a second year". They live in a different town and I regularly travel for work, and if I'm in their town working and will be there 2+ more days I stay over with them. The A is right in front of her face and it's horrible but we giggle like school children over it at times because she's clueless. My relationship(?) with MM has been wonderful, to say the least. He makes time to spend time with me, loves hanging out with my kids, he's my best friend, and we talk almost every day. But sometimes I feel like he's withdrawing a bit..? He hasn't been saying ILY lately like he used to.. When we're in person he's the same, huge grin twinkly eyes, madly in love.. But via text (our main means of communication) it's usually either ignoring me outright or ignoring when I say ILY (like before bed, when he's done something awesome, ect.), and I don't know what to think.. He says he's my biggest fan ("season ticket holder. Hopefully life member" he says), and I truly honestly believe that he loves me. But his sudden aloofness(?) I don't know even.. He was 'gone' from his W for 3 weeks but still managed to sneak away and see me even when he 'couldn't' get time off to see her.. Has got me confused. Is something big coming?? Or is it time to cut and run?
woinlove Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 Me and MM have been doing this A thing for about 16 months. He swears he loves me, wants to be with me, there is talk of buying a house, babies, marriage, the whole 9 yards. He's been with W for about 12 years now (high school sweethearts) and swears he's never cheated before he met me. He made all of the first moves, said ILY first, is very affectionate and forgiving(?) in our relationship(?). I got pregnant about 3-4 months in and we mutually decided to abort (I'm a 'single' mom with 3 kids already), and he stated then "we can always try later". He was waiting for W to get a job (she hadn't worked in over 2 years and is lazy), because he didn't want to leave her high and dry ("I don't wish anything bad on the woman I just don't want to be with her" he says) and he wanted to make sure A) she didn't screw him in D and B) she was set so that she was self-sufficient. Last year (she's a schoolteacher) she got a contract, started working, and things were looking up. Then it was "paying down debt" and "make sure she contracts for a second year". They live in a different town and I regularly travel for work, and if I'm in their town working and will be there 2+ more days I stay over with them. The A is right in front of her face and it's horrible but we giggle like school children over it at times because she's clueless. My relationship(?) with MM has been wonderful, to say the least. He makes time to spend time with me, loves hanging out with my kids, he's my best friend, and we talk almost every day. But sometimes I feel like he's withdrawing a bit..? He hasn't been saying ILY lately like he used to.. When we're in person he's the same, huge grin twinkly eyes, madly in love.. But via text (our main means of communication) it's usually either ignoring me outright or ignoring when I say ILY (like before bed, when he's done something awesome, ect.), and I don't know what to think.. He says he's my biggest fan ("season ticket holder. Hopefully life member" he says), and I truly honestly believe that he loves me. But his sudden aloofness(?) I don't know even.. He was 'gone' from his W for 3 weeks but still managed to sneak away and see me even when he 'couldn't' get time off to see her.. Has got me confused. Is something big coming?? Or is it time to cut and run? Since you are in a mindset to ask how long is too long and if it is time to cut and run, my answer is yes, cut and run, now. The negatives of affairs, the secrecy, deception and how one is treating others, are amplified when it is a double betrayal involving someone who the BS thinks is a friend. In this case, I think there is a huge amount of soul-searching and work to go through for the APs to end up in a place where they can have a healthy relationship with themselves and with each other, and there is no guarantee that both will do that work. Some may carry the negatives along with them for many years into the future. So, if you are in any position to cut and run, I think that is best as it will remove you from continuing to present a false persona to the BW, will leave MM to sort himself out if he wishes, and will give you the space to focus on yourself, your children, and getting to a place where you will be open to a positive love that doesn't involve this kind of deception.
frozensprouts Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 no one can tell you for sure what is going on in his head but him, but, to be honest, just based upon what you have written, this guy sounds like a first class knob. I'm saying that as an observer on the outside looking in. try looking at the situation the way I am...detach yourself from it and look t it with a logical eye....( or pretend it's your best friend in your shoes and you are advising her on what to do) (a) this guy is still living with is wife, acting as if all is well ( and he must be very convincing if he's able to do that all the time and she doesn't suspect anything). Then he has the nerve to giggle about it? that is just about the cruelest thing I have ever heard of in my life. If he can do that to her, what on god's green earth makes you think you are any different? (b) he sure sounds good at words, but puts very little action behind them, and to be honest, why should he? he's got it made in the shade...a wife who loves him ( and BTW, she is NOT lazy...she's working full time as a school teacher) and puts up with his crud, and you who are willing to be there for him when ever he wants a little outside entertainment. If he loved you, he would treat you with dignity and respect...is he doing that? ( and from him , saying "i love you" probably has about as much weight as if he were to say " i'm going to swim the English channel" sounds good, probably not going to happen)as for what he says in texts...again, they are just letters types on a screen and mean nothing when there's no real action behind them....he says and does just enough to keep you hanging on... © - and please understand that this may sound very harsh, but it is meant to help- loo at what you are doing here...you are pretending to be his wife's friend, she is nice enough to allow you to stay in her home and treat you kindly, yet you sleep with her husband and laugh about it like it's some big joke... seriously, wake up! How would you feel if someone did that to you...do you not think that is incredibly cruel? If so, is this really who you are...someone who'd stab a friend in the back like that? If not, then really take a hard hard look at what this affair has turned you into. Do you like who you are? If not, then my advice to you would be to "man up" and tell his wife what has been going on, then gracefully exit the situation so the situation can resolve itself one way or another. that way, you'll know where you stand, and you'll be able to be honest with yourself and hold your head high and not lie and sneak and be cruel. Look at it this way...if your children were adults, would you want them treated the way the two of you are treating his wife? would you want them being treated the way he is treating you? would you want this type of relationship for them? If the answer to any of those is "no", then I think you know what you have to do. Hope you are able to work it out, and sorry if I was a bit harsh... 5
skywriter Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 Ducky23, As has been mentioned. Nobody can tell you how long is too long for you. You have to decide when you've had enough. I can saythat your story is somewhat familiar. The ex-MM that I was involved was hot and heavy, very attentive for the first 3 yrs. Then he gradually, pulled away, made me suspicious, we communicated regularly by phone, and being the inquisitive woman I am, he'd make sure to come around again. As time went by, I learned to stop inquiring, sit back watch, wait and mostly take note of his actions not matching his words. Even tones of insincerity in his voice. Your best lessons are the ones you learn on your own. It was the only way for me to convince myself, because emotions make you want to believe them, and keep spinning your wheels in the mud so to speak. 1
freestyle Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 Do you really want to plan a future with a man who would laugh at someone else's pain? What would you think if one of your own children was treated that way in their marriage (once they're old enough?) 6
Alice2012 Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 (edited) But sometimes I feel like he's withdrawing a bit..? This is to be expected from a MM with a big mouth for "future faking." What these MM don't realize when they start to spew all these lies is that there's only so long the OW is going to put up with their ridiculous excuses and start to wonder when they're going to make good on all these "grand plans." It's obvious your guy has no plans to leave. He knows that the drama will begin soon and you will likely start to withhold sex and attention, threaten to tell the wife, etc. if you think you're getting played - which you are btw. The jig is almost up and he knows he either has to leave (which he won't) or his lies will need to become more and more elaborate in order to pacify you so he can keep his family together. I would imagine that's something that's causing him stress. The only way you're going to get this is guy is if his wife finds out and is done with him. Edited June 19, 2012 by Alice2012
Alice2012 Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 (edited) My relationship(?) with MM has been wonderful, loves hanging out with my kids That's because he doesn't LIVE with you and your three children. Nor does he have to support you and your three children. Edited June 19, 2012 by Alice2012
freestyle Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 You're just a side dish, sorry, but it's true. And a weapon to use against his wife. MM who get involved with someone who their W considers to be a 'friend'--- are acting out a huge passive-aggressive wish to 'punish' their BW. Like the MM/MW who bring their AP into the marital bed---they're demonstrating hatred, and contempt. It's not always the case---but based on what you described, OP--it seems like this IS one of those cases. Giggling, instead of feeling some level of remorse, and empathy is a HUGE red flag. I hope you don't choose to ignore it. 2
skywriter Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 The A is right in front of her face and it's horrible but we giggle like school children over it at times because she's clueless. My relationship(?) with MM has been wonderful, to say the least. He makes time to spend time with me, loves hanging out with my kids, he's my best friend, and we talk almost every day. But sometimes I feel like he's withdrawing a bit..? He hasn't been saying ILY lately like he used to.. The A being right in front of her face, is horrible and I got news for you, given time, you'll realise that this man is practiced at his game. You'll be the next one feeling like a fool with it going on under your nose. You'll learn, these things have an expiration date. The A is going to be wonderful to say the least for a certain amount of time, expectations will change and like any relationship it is supposed to grow and mature with time. It will chip away at your soul when this doesn't happen. You'll grow to resent the MM because other things will take precedent over what you think should be as important to him as it is to you. You'll wonder why he isn't as interested in what you have to say, cutting conversations short, generally not as interested as before. It's called "conquest". When the conquest has been accomplished, he's got you, he'll look for his next conquest. Why? The addiction to the rush, the whole affair dynamic and what it provides for him. ...and afterall, he's what's really important here. 1
TigerCub Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 Hey Ducky, (that a cute name, I call my sister that)... I think you're going to have to hit rock bottom on your own to find out that you've waited too long. Most OW that come here are in a lot of pain due to their circumstances, but you are actually enjoying mocking the BW. I'm not really one to judge an A because I've been there, but I've never done it to someone I posed as a friend to. That is truely cruel and to mock her and laugh at how "clueless" she is is terrible. The truth is, when he's not with you, he is mocking you and laughing at how you're buying all his bull**** lies about the fake future he's selling you, and how all he needs to do is tell you "yeah baby, we've got plenty of time to have kids of our own" as he gives you abortion money. You're falling for his lies. This man will not leave his W. Some MM do, but this one most likely wont since he's making up any excuse he can. And if he ever did leave for you, don't expect him to be faithful. If he can cheat on her and laugh at her behind her back, don't fool yourself further into thinking he wont do it to you. That brings me to his distancing from you - I think it could be because: 1) he has another OW and/or 2) he no longer wants to sell you lies and fantasies that you soon will want to see fulfilled. Don't waste your time further. Don't make a fool of yourself, and please learn to have some compassion for people - no matter how "clueless" they appear. I don't mean to come off as harsh in my post, but you really need to wake up and see things for what they are. Is this the kind of life you really want for yourself? 1
Mme. Chaucer Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 I don't think that anything big or good is ever going to come out of this; it sounds just like the most garden variety of philandering. But I do beg of you to stop staying at the home of his wife. That is beneath sleazy. 2
Author Ducky23 Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 Thanks everyone who has responded. And I know the tiny bit of info I gave about the cruel things will probably cause contempt toward me for being a part of it, but the full truth is so much worse. He is my best friend. Has been since day one. I don't want to try and justify or belittle how horrible it is, but the W seriously is horrible. I have had sex with her as well and usually share their bed when I stay over (my children stay home with their father), and it was SHE who made the rule that I have to sleep on HIS side of the bed, with him between us, because he made her feel SO horrible about her 'cheating' on him with his best friend. Again. She does see me as a friend and that part makes me feel horrible. I've told her time and time again that she's better off without him, that he doesn't love her, and some of the other things he's said. He lies to her when she questions him about it. My R with MM is total and complete, we share all things, we are as faithful as possible (I know he isn't lying when he says they aren't having sex because she complains about it so much), and all things are equal. We've talked about what would happen in the event of the A ending and he wants to always stay friends because first and foremost is our friendship. That comes before love. He's always told me that no matter what, with or without him, all he wants is for me to be happy. I've tried to break it off 3 times (that I remember) since we started. We'll get in an argument or something will happen, and I've told him "I can't do this. When you finish with her if I'm what you want, then come to me. Until then, no more." but then next time I see him it's like nothing ever happened, like I never said anything. He keeps it going. In his mind, leaving isn't an option. Living without me next to him if I'm not in another relationship is not an option. And honestly, I don't know that I want to be stuck next to him. I want him in my life, he's a fantastic friend and we have so much in common (including a lot of our friends who want to see us together), I couldn't see myself just up and disappearing, NC. So how do I do it?? How do I make him see that I'm truly unhappy and don't want to keep this going??
TigerCub Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 Well if she's cheated on him and She wants you to all sleep in the same bed with you next to him and you already tell her that she should leave and he doesn't love her ...why not just tell her that you've been with him for a while, that you are screwing him as well, and that he loves you. that way everything is out on the table and decision time will be a lot better for everyone with all the facts out in the open. 2
frozensprouts Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 If this guy really and truly loves you, he will not want to see you unhappy...he will not ask you to put yourself in a position where you are uncomfortable just so he can get his jollies tell him exactly how you feel...let him know that you aren't happy and that something has to give... that you deserve better than this. Watch his reactions and not just his words...see what they tell you
Author Ducky23 Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 Well if she's cheated on him and She wants you to all sleep in the same bed with you next to him and you already tell her that she should leave and he doesn't love her ...why not just tell her that you've been with him for a while, that you are screwing him as well, and that he loves you. that way everything is out on the table and decision time will be a lot better for everyone with all the facts out in the open. Trust me, I've thought about this at least 100 times! We almost pulled an all-out 3-way relationship at one point. But she won't 'allow' me to have sex with him, and if she ever 'did' she would have to be SURE there was no emotion involved. She truly honestly believes that there's no attraction between he and I (ew! That's like my sister/cousin/relative), and it's him keeping it from happening. For a few different reasons. He doesn't want me to HAVE to have sex with her as he says "I don't even stoop that low except when absolutely necessary" (she's upwards of 300 pounds and makes no effort to take care of herself), he doesn't want to introduce her into 'our' relationship, and he isn't sure he can just full-on have sex with me minus emotions. (he says we "make love, not sex" and to him sex is an emotional bonding thing) And I'm not allowed to tell her about the affair because it would absolutely end in a messy divorce and their finances aren't where he wants them to be yet. She finally has a salaried job that pays well (after 5+ years of almost complete unemployment because she refused to work if it wasn't teaching), and he finally has that second income to throw at the bills that mostly she has wracked up over the last 10 years. He says he gets frustrated when I "fly off at the mouth" and tell her that he doesn't love her because he says he's working hard to build something for me, for "us", and it feels like I'm trying to tear it apart brick by brick.
Author Ducky23 Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 tell him exactly how you feel...let him know that you aren't happy and that something has to give... that you deserve better than this. Watch his reactions and not just his words...see what they tell you I have done this. You actually stole the words I used exactly "I deserve better. I love you, but I can't do this. Something's gotta give, you have to choose. I'm not gonna sit here and wait forever." But then he doesn't respond (I haven't told him this in person as I'm afraid of his reaction, and the next time I see him/talk to him it's like nothing happened! Like I never said anything! Should I say it in person? Would it make a difference?
RickFox Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 Trust me, I've thought about this at least 100 times! We almost pulled an all-out 3-way relationship at one point. But she won't 'allow' me to have sex with him, and if she ever 'did' she would have to be SURE there was no emotion involved. She truly honestly believes that there's no attraction between he and I (ew! That's like my sister/cousin/relative), and it's him keeping it from happening. For a few different reasons. He doesn't want me to HAVE to have sex with her as he says "I don't even stoop that low except when absolutely necessary" (she's upwards of 300 pounds and makes no effort to take care of herself), he doesn't want to introduce her into 'our' relationship, and he isn't sure he can just full-on have sex with me minus emotions. (he says we "make love, not sex" and to him sex is an emotional bonding thing) And I'm not allowed to tell her about the affair because it would absolutely end in a messy divorce and their finances aren't where he wants them to be yet. She finally has a salaried job that pays well (after 5+ years of almost complete unemployment because she refused to work if it wasn't teaching), and he finally has that second income to throw at the bills that mostly she has wracked up over the last 10 years. He says he gets frustrated when I "fly off at the mouth" and tell her that he doesn't love her because he says he's working hard to build something for me, for "us", and it feels like I'm trying to tear it apart brick by brick. ok so in one post you state you've had sex with her and in this post you state your MM doesn't want you to have sex with her and is keeping it from happening because she's 300lbs. So which is it, you have or you haven't? I see no boundaries of any kind here .......or lies.....which is it.
TigerCub Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 Trust me, I've thought about this at least 100 times! We almost pulled an all-out 3-way relationship at one point. But she won't 'allow' me to have sex with him, and if she ever 'did' she would have to be SURE there was no emotion involved. She truly honestly believes that there's no attraction between he and I (ew! That's like my sister/cousin/relative), and it's him keeping it from happening. For a few different reasons. He doesn't want me to HAVE to have sex with her as he says "I don't even stoop that low except when absolutely necessary" (she's upwards of 300 pounds and makes no effort to take care of herself), he doesn't want to introduce her into 'our' relationship, and he isn't sure he can just full-on have sex with me minus emotions. (he says we "make love, not sex" and to him sex is an emotional bonding thing) And I'm not allowed to tell her about the affair because it would absolutely end in a messy divorce and their finances aren't where he wants them to be yet. She finally has a salaried job that pays well (after 5+ years of almost complete unemployment because she refused to work if it wasn't teaching), and he finally has that second income to throw at the bills that mostly she has wracked up over the last 10 years. He says he gets frustrated when I "fly off at the mouth" and tell her that he doesn't love her because he says he's working hard to build something for me, for "us", and it feels like I'm trying to tear it apart brick by brick. I understand that 5 is > than 2 but in the initial post you say that she hasn't worked in over 2 years, but now the figure is 5+. I do understand that 5 can be 2+, but it just seems like a weird way to describe the same thing in such a different way. Anywhos, no one is saying you can fix this by having a 3way involving her. Ducky, please notice that this man is insulting her, putting her down, complaining "oh, she's fat, she's lazy, I only touch her if necessary", please!, and yet he doesn't want to leave. He claims that its money and all that, but really, how is that such a noble reason? Aren't you and the love that you both share worth more than a $ value? I understand that people want to be practical and not lose all that they've worked for, but you also need to realize that if money wasn't an issue - then suddenly, "OMG she has a fatal illness", or "OMG she's threatening" suicide, or "OMG she has a gun!!" Whatever this woman's shortcomings are, they still don't justify her being treated so badly. Also, when you tell her that he doesn't love her, what does she say to you? 2
frozensprouts Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 I have done this. You actually stole the words I used exactly "I deserve better. I love you, but I can't do this. Something's gotta give, you have to choose. I'm not gonna sit here and wait forever." But then he doesn't respond (I haven't told him this in person as I'm afraid of his reaction, and the next time I see him/talk to him it's like nothing happened! Like I never said anything! Should I say it in person? Would it make a difference? ducky... t sounds like you have been in this twisted situation for so long now that you are accepting it as "normal", and it's not. Again, if he loves you he wouldn't brush off your need to be treated with dignity and respect...but this is just what he is doing... he's treating you like a plaything, to be picked up or put down t his whim seriously...you need to get some clarity here. To get that, you need to get away from this whole situation and let him sort out his mixed up life... this guy sounds like a real creep
TigerCub Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 I have done this. You actually stole the words I used exactly "I deserve better. I love you, but I can't do this. Something's gotta give, you have to choose. I'm not gonna sit here and wait forever." But then he doesn't respond (I haven't told him this in person as I'm afraid of his reaction, and the next time I see him/talk to him it's like nothing happened! Like I never said anything! Should I say it in person? Would it make a difference? But not responding is still giving you an answer, you just don't want to see it for what it is.
Author Ducky23 Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 I understand that 5 is > than 2 but in the initial post you say that she hasn't worked in over 2 years, but now the figure is 5+. I do understand that 5 can be 2+, but it just seems like a weird way to describe the same thing in such a different way. Also, when you tell her that he doesn't love her, what does she say to you? She was subbing for a few years, but only 1-2 days a month because she would turn down all offers that were more than 15-20 miles from her home. But she had completely quit subbing about 2 years ago. I'm the one who got her to apply for the job she has now. I'm not gonna try and justify the things he says about her because he doesn't always do it cruelly. He's been paying $70+/month (since about January) for a gym membership she doesn't use. The first few times she went on her own and then after that I made her go with me another 3-4 times and then she just quit going. That doesn't make her a bad person, and it doesn't give him the right to bash her, but I understand what he says when he says it because I've handed her every tool possible to be happy/fix the marriage without divulging our biggest secret. But she does nothing with it. I clean the apartment and help out with food/laundry/cat when I'm there, I've stayed with her when he's been gone for up to 3 weeks with the Army, I've done the shopping, cooked her meals, picked up after her. She sees me as an 'attachment' I guess of him. I seem to play as many non-sexual marital roles for her as he does. He and I are enough alike that we are basically the same person and she mostly treats us as such. Yes, I had sex with her last November, on his orders with her pleading. He was sick and left us in bed together to lay on the couch. After she had prompted me for a kiss and it looked like she wanted more I broke off and went out to smoke a cigarette. He followed me out and I told him the situation. He decided he could use it against her in the case of D, so he told me "get your *** back in bed and **** my wife. But first kiss me before you get contaminated." (this is how we speak to each other in playful situations, he did NOT say it cruelly but with a smile on his face acting like my sergeant), so I did. But he knows it was horrible for me and I have no desire to do it ever again. He's in agreement. As to how she responds when I tell her he doesn't love her? She knows. She doesn't blame him for it, but she hopes she can bring it back and fix everything.
woinlove Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 Trust me, I've thought about this at least 100 times! We almost pulled an all-out 3-way relationship at one point. But she won't 'allow' me to have sex with him, and if she ever 'did' she would have to be SURE there was no emotion involved. She truly honestly believes that there's no attraction between he and I (ew! That's like my sister/cousin/relative), and it's him keeping it from happening. For a few different reasons. He doesn't want me to HAVE to have sex with her as he says "I don't even stoop that low except when absolutely necessary" (she's upwards of 300 pounds and makes no effort to take care of herself), he doesn't want to introduce her into 'our' relationship, and he isn't sure he can just full-on have sex with me minus emotions. (he says we "make love, not sex" and to him sex is an emotional bonding thing) And I'm not allowed to tell her about the affair because it would absolutely end in a messy divorce and their finances aren't where he wants them to be yet. She finally has a salaried job that pays well (after 5+ years of almost complete unemployment because she refused to work if it wasn't teaching), and he finally has that second income to throw at the bills that mostly she has wracked up over the last 10 years. He says he gets frustrated when I "fly off at the mouth" and tell her that he doesn't love her because he says he's working hard to build something for me, for "us", and it feels like I'm trying to tear it apart brick by brick. Ducky, don't let MM tell you what you are and are not allowed to do. You are allowed to tell the truth and stop the charade if you want to. And, as for what his wife allows, similarly, she can't stop you two from having sex. If she has the truth, she can decide the conditions under which she will remain married to him and can decide to divorce him if he continues to have sex with you. I see the deception only working for one person here and that is MM. Are you afraid he will end things with you if the truth comes out? Otherwise, I don't see the upside for you to continue with the deception.
woinlove Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 She was subbing for a few years, but only 1-2 days a month because she would turn down all offers that were more than 15-20 miles from her home. But she had completely quit subbing about 2 years ago. I'm the one who got her to apply for the job she has now. I'm not gonna try and justify the things he says about her because he doesn't always do it cruelly. He's been paying $70+/month (since about January) for a gym membership she doesn't use. The first few times she went on her own and then after that I made her go with me another 3-4 times and then she just quit going. That doesn't make her a bad person, and it doesn't give him the right to bash her, but I understand what he says when he says it because I've handed her every tool possible to be happy/fix the marriage without divulging our biggest secret. But she does nothing with it. I clean the apartment and help out with food/laundry/cat when I'm there, I've stayed with her when he's been gone for up to 3 weeks with the Army, I've done the shopping, cooked her meals, picked up after her. She sees me as an 'attachment' I guess of him. I seem to play as many non-sexual marital roles for her as he does. He and I are enough alike that we are basically the same person and she mostly treats us as such. Yes, I had sex with her last November, on his orders with her pleading. He was sick and left us in bed together to lay on the couch. After she had prompted me for a kiss and it looked like she wanted more I broke off and went out to smoke a cigarette. He followed me out and I told him the situation. He decided he could use it against her in the case of D, so he told me "get your *** back in bed and **** my wife. But first kiss me before you get contaminated." (this is how we speak to each other in playful situations, he did NOT say it cruelly but with a smile on his face acting like my sergeant), so I did. But he knows it was horrible for me and I have no desire to do it ever again. He's in agreement. As to how she responds when I tell her he doesn't love her? She knows. She doesn't blame him for it, but she hopes she can bring it back and fix everything. Okay, that is just sick. It sounds like he is pimping you for money in his divorce settlement. How did you interpret that? Are you in counselling? Counselling might help you develop more self-worth. 3
TigerCub Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 OMG Ducky!! you should know better. You're acting like her maid and you're acting like his whore (not because of the A) - but because he pimped you out to her so that he can have something to use against her in a D? Besides, having sex is not something that's against the law. How is he really going to use that against her in a divorce? "Oh, she had sex with a woman that usually sleeps in our bed together" Another thing - you say that you handed her all these tools to help her with her marriage - why would you do that if you want him to leave her for you? If you really want to help with that marriage - stop ****ing her husband. Nothing I'm saying to you is judgement on the affair part - but it seems like you're talking out of both sides of your mouth. Do you honestly think this guy has any respect for you if he wanted you to be used for sex just so he can have something on his wife? Also, why would he need you to sleep with her if he's trying to use infidelity against her - couldn't he have just used the affair she had with his best friend? Ducky, you are so letting this man use you like an insignificant pawn. He's toying with you and just marveling at how low you'd sink for him.
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