missingmyex Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 I need help. Hi there..new poster. My ex and I broke up in November and started dating again casually 3 weeks later. We were on and off and I drove him crazy with pushing him to get back together, and I also kept telling him I couldn't be casual and then coming back. We agreed to be friends and I am dating someone else, but he's being very very very cold and distant now. I still miss him like crazy..the new guy is great but he's not my ex. My ex dumped me originally because he wasn't sure he wanted to get married and have kids (we'd been discussing marriage and kids before we broke up, and we were living together..he lost his job and freaked out, that's when he dumped me..he's now working again). Have I ruined it forever? I've calmed down a lot and I'm not contacting him nearly as much anymore..I'm mostly waiting for him to contact me. Have I ruined it forever? What can I do? He still says he loves me and misses me but only if I say it first. He says he's still not sure what he wants for the future and he's not sure he could be with me but that he will let the chips fall where they may.
Philosoraptor Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 First you need to be honest and end it with this new guy as he simply is being strung along. No need to hurt an extra person right now. It sounds like you and your ex did have different expectations for life so why go back?
Author missingmyex Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 That makes me sound like a bad person. I'm not stringing the new guy along..he knows exactly how I feel. He is recently out of a 10 year relationship and isn't ready for anything serious. I wouldn't intentionally hurt anyone..we've both been completely honest with each other the whole time. We've both agreed that we always have the option to bail, but we genuinely enjoy each others' company so neither of us has wanted to yet. I think maybe we're both hoping it'll turn into something more but there's just no spark. I just don't understand how someone can go from planning a wedding and childrens' names to not being sure he ever wants to get married or have kids i the span of one week. I know it's because he lost his job and at the time, didn't have any prospects. Now he's working again but I badgered him so much between then and now that I think I've ruined it forever. He looked me in the eye and promised me we'd spend our lives together and have a family together. His whole family loves me and wants us to be together. He hasn't even told them we're broken up yet and it's been 7 months. It's also that I lost my job, my best friend left, and the anniversary of my mom's death is coming up, so I'm feeling a little sad and desperate lately. I feel like I've lost so much and that it's not really fair. My ex is the only one of the things that I've lost that I felt like I could get back and now I've ruined it.
Philosoraptor Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 Well I'm glad you've been open. It wasn't clear so I took a stab. My apologies. The "all in" then "all out" is common with someone who feels unstable in a relationship. You'll often see someone talking about children right before they leave. Even working on marriage plans and saying how they could never be without the person just the day before. With that information I'd gamble he had been thinking about ending the relationship for awhile. What you do have in the end is yourself. You are strong enough to get through this and I'd say what would be best for you right now is to spend some time alone and working on gaining the inner strength needed to cope. Getting a new hobby, joining a fun group, etc. to work on fostering your own interests and working on self growth.
geegirl Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 He says he's still not sure what he wants for the future and he's not sure he could be with me but that he will let the chips fall where they may. What's complicated about that statement? It's pretty direct and straightforward. It's complicated to you because you choose not to accept the truth and the reality of your ex. You admit you went back several times to change his stance under the guise of "friends" and no matter what you did, he did not budge. You can stick around and wait for him to make up his mind about you. You can sit around and wait for a man to choose you. That's your choice but he's essentially made up his mind about you. You're not who he chooses to be with. So you can stand by and be his crutch or you can cut him loose from your life and allow your absence to be his guide. He does not see your value if you are waiting around for him. He will always take you for granted. If in time he realizes his loss, and he won't if you keep waiting on the sidelines, then you can decide if he is truly wanting what you want. If not, you'll be on your way to healing and finding better opportunities for yourself. Feelings change. There is no guarantee when it comes to words. People are promised the world only for the rug to be pulled from under them. You're not an exception. People exchange vows in matrimony only to encounter divorce. Nothing is ever a guarantee. He may have already been changing his stance of a future with you while he kept uttering sweet words of promise. People can say one thing but want another without us ever knowing. The day he put you in a "casual" zone is the day you should have stepped away. You don't get promoted after a demotion. And the fact that he's still unsure about you, should send you running the other way with your suitcase of self-respect and dignity. Don't ever sit around and wait for a man to choose you. When someone wants to walk away, let them walk. It doesn't matter if he's unsure. If he can't give you what you want and if he can't see your value, walk away. As for your new bf, I hope he is not serious because he stands to get hurt when he's in a relationship that is one sided. But if you say he knows, then that is his cross to bear.
Author missingmyex Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 (edited) Thanks for replying by the way. He admitted that he'd been thinking about ending it since he found out he was going to lose his job. We'd been talking about a wedding and kids since pretty much the first month we were together. It wasn't a new subject. We were living together..he had given me a promise ring months before that. He STILL says he misses me and loves me and that he still thinks about being with me. He knows I'm dating someone else and he wished me luck but he seemed upset. I feel like if I hadn't pushed him so hard after we broke up, I could have gotten him back. But I spent 5 months badgering him to get back together, and while we were dating, I would break up and make up with him. I'm so angry at myself. Is there any way to get past that? Also he got me a job interview with a friend of his (I'm still waiting to hear whether or not I got it), and then a few days later he took a job at the same place (he didn't tell me that was even an option). So now if I get the job, I have to see him every day. I can't turn the job down..it's a fantastic career opportunity for me. He's not dating anyone else by the way..he says he has no desire to date anyone else. He doesn't want to be in a relationship right now. I'm not sitting around waiting for him. I've been dating other people and hanging out with my friends and trying to move on. I've actually been a lot better lately..but like I said, the anniversary of my mom's death is coming up, and that's always a hard time for me so I'm having a weak couple of days. Edited June 19, 2012 by missingmyex
geegirl Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 (edited) Talking about weddings and kids a month into dating is not a good sign. When two healthy people are seeking a long term commitment, they take their time and really get to know one another before speaking of such important life changing and life commiting plans. You didn't have enough time to get to know this man to delve into those topics. Be careful when someone is going faster than lightning speed in the dating process. Most times they're caught in a fantasy rather than the reality and expectations of a relationship. He has let you go. Whether you pushed him or not, he made up his mind. If a man wants you, he'll want you no matter. If you had to push, then that was your answer. Stop blaming yourself. Dumpers have dumpers remorse too so when he put you in that "casual" box, it was because he still needed you there to deal with the discomfort but it wasn't enough to ever make you a priority in his life. I don't believe it was going to change whether you pushed or not. Like I said, dumpers go through their own discomfort and hurts but it's not an indication that their stance will change. As for the job, it's going to be a very difficult situation for you to be in. I don't have any advice except to realize your reality with him and keep pushing forward. He doesn't want to date others does not relate to who you are in his life. He still is not choosing you, whether he wants to date or not. You may not be waiting around in the literal sense, but you are still entangled emotionally and hoping. Hoping is waiting around. You can date but it does not matter because your heart is still latching on and you will never see the potential of other men when you're blinded. You'll always be sitting on a painful pointy fence. Edited June 19, 2012 by geegirl
geegirl Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 But geegirl didn't I read in another very recent thread you posted on; about you talking about having kids with your new boyfriend? and you are seeing each other now what.... 3 months or so? Isn't that just a little bit hypocritical? Or is it one rule for you and another for missing? Just curious I guess.. Yes, this is a man I have known for several years. We have been friends, volunteering at the same organization for 3 years. We've had those relationship talks when we were friends during our volunteer sessions, especially when I would talk about my divorce and dating dilemmas, AND when he divorced, he would often confide on how his kids were dealing with it, the ex-wife and wanting to be married and to have more children in his future. We were close friends before we started dating and knew each other on a very personal level. The subject came up not because we were planning our future but while having a conversation about my health, he asked me if I ever wanted kids seeing how I missed the boat with my ex-husband, along with my health issues. I told him that I am 41 and that it may not be something I would want but I am still at a crossroads depending on various issues and that if I do not meet a guy, I would probably adopt. He then said that if we were to ever make it that far, then whatever choice I make, he would definitely not be opposed to it, eventhough he has kids of his own but the choice would be mine to make. And I remember saying to him, "We'll cross that bridge if and when we get to it." So no, my conversation is not relatable or relative to what the OP has stated. So, while I may have dated this man for 3 months, I've known him on a personal level for 3 years. I've known him well enough to know who he is and what he hopes for. And the conversation was not about our future together but just an adult conversation of what I seek for my future. I don't appreciate your tone before finding out the facts but I will leave you to your devices. And your sarcasm is telling.
geegirl Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 (edited) Well I didn't appreciate recently reading the horrible verbal abuse you dished out to a man who has become a very dear friend to me (I have seen both sides of the story before you say anything in defense of your horrible behaviour)..I would like nothing more to share with this forum and show people just how much of a hyprocrite/nasty piece of work you truly are, but I promised him I wouldn't.. I will leave you too it...'Geegirl'...no one plays the 'scorned woman, I am the victim' better then you on this site... There's three sides to a story. His, hers and the truth. You have seen both sides from one side. If you go back and read what his ex had to say on this site about him, then you will realize that maybe, just maybe there's another side to his story. Good luck to you. Edited June 19, 2012 by geegirl
geegirl Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 (edited) The same ex he made peace with and are now in a good place with each other? I've seen the the 'truth' you wrote..He was also honest about his role in things. Believe me you are the one that needs 'luck' and clearly a new therapist ..Take care Yes, the same one he told me that he should have never labeled her Borderline Personality Disorder after posting here a million times that she was BPD, and then in December made peace with her only to come back on here and label her and me with Borderline Personality Disorder. Two exs with BPD. He must love them BPDs. I DO need help for being involved with someone like that. I will find a new therapist. Thanks for the advice. ps: Two good friends on the ignore list. Edited June 19, 2012 by geegirl
geegirl Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 Codependents (which he openly admits too) are attracted to BPD's or people with BPD traits like magnets and yes geegirl you have BPD.. He never ONCE referenced you or her by name. He just used the site to vent like many do...Ignore away you truly are a nasty piece of work. I soooo want to show people just the kind of person you truly are...But as he saids to me, you're not worth my time or energy.. Thank you for your thoughts. I will look into my issues. 1
thetruth63211 Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 (edited) Thank you for your thoughts. I will look into my issues. Geegirl you sound like a very smart woman. How come you have not realized that Mack05 is the same person as Fluorescent? He has also posted as Jason Mullane in the past and a few other names. A lot of people have known this for a while now around here. One piece of advice? Be careful. This man is crazier than you think. Edited June 20, 2012 by thetruth63211
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