Princess71 Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 I don't understand why I am having so much trouble accepting my friend's rejection of me. For those who haven't read my story, I have a guy friend with whom our feelings grew for each other and we made out one time. After making out for like an hour he said he has to leave and didn't call me after that. I emailed and asked him why he backed off and he said he doesn't know, but that he seems to do the same thing with most women he meets. That he has some sort of social anxiety. He admitted he "freaked out" after our makeout session and doesnt know why. In his email he said that it's obvious there are feelings between us but that he doesn't know if we should take it further, that hes not sure it was right that it happened. He said he doesnt know what to do next. This was a year ago lol. Crazy to still be thinking about it, I know. Since then we talk very infrequently. I asked to get together but to no avail. Mind you, we were never close friends. We hung out in a group but never alone with each other. Once we did start talking alone is when we started flirting with each other and one thing lead to another. I know he has rejected me and that I should respect myself enough to walk away and forget him. But the fact that he has issues with women, and that he admitted there were feelings there is keeoing me from letting go. Does anyone know why he would have started up with me to begin with? Wouldn't he know if he was attracted to me after knowing me for months? Why would he freak out after making out?? There's questions have haunted me for over a year. As u can tell, I really really like this guy. Please give your opinions!! Thank you!!
utterer of lies Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 You put way to much weight into this 'there are feelings' statement. I suppose he just said this so you wouldn't feel used, or to keep you longing. The fact is: You made out, he tried you, but then didn't choose you.
Algermas Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 And this, gentlemen, is how you get and keep her attention. Not by sending flowers or spening money on a lobster dinner. By being distant and unavailable. This is the key to keeping women coming back for more.
Emilia Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 I know he has rejected me and that I should respect myself enough to walk away and forget him. But the fact that he has issues with women, and that he admitted there were feelings there is keeoing me from letting go. Does anyone know why he would have started up with me to begin with? Wouldn't he know if he was attracted to me after knowing me for months? Why would he freak out after making out?? There's questions have haunted me for over a year. As u can tell, I really really like this guy. Please give your opinions!! Thank you!! None of this matters. There are millions of make outs every day in the world that never lead anywhere. I think most of us have make out with more people than we sleep with, let alone have a relationship with. He changed his mind. He spent an hour in your company making out and for whatever reason he felt he didn't want to take it to the next level. You will never get the answer why and you need to learn to deal with this uncertainty. You have to push him out of your mind. He was never a close friend, probably not even a friend, only an acquaintance. End of story
Author Princess71 Posted June 20, 2012 Author Posted June 20, 2012 And this, gentlemen, is how you get and keep her attention. Not by sending flowers or spening money on a lobster dinner. By being distant and unavailable. This is the key to keeping women coming back for more. Not quite. I was very interested way before he distanced himself. His distancing is what gave THIS BOARD my attention.
LoverOfDance Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 Please let this guy go...PLEASE. I'm talking from experience. We are in the exact same situation except that mine is a little more complicated. If he had any feelings 4 u at all, they are gone now. Guys don't do that, EVER. It is extremely rare 4 a guy to like a girl, be aware that she feels the same and maybe even stronger and leave her hanging 4 an entire year. It doesn't happen(in movies maybe but in real life, no). When a guy really wants a girl, he's gonna go above and beyond 2 get her. Just accept that it's not meant to be. I understand it's really hard but it is what it is. The guy I like/liked felt something 4 me too but whatever it is/was, it's nothing, just a tiny little crush because it wasn't enough 2 make him do something about it. Next time, keep this in mind - If he knows u like him and he's not doing anything about it, it's simple - he doesn't want 2 do anything about it. Don't complicate it. Don't worry, you'll find someone better.
gaius Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 He probably has some sexual hangups Princess. Maybe he likes emotional affection and enjoyed flirting, but couldn't take it once it turned physical. If he really enjoyed that make out session he would come back for more, especially since you're offering. That's not saying anything about you either, he wouldn't have enjoyed it with anyone. I think you're taking the actions of a damaged man too personally.
mortensorchid Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 I go believe Giaus is right on this one. Sometimes the quicker something is built, the quicker it will fall apart. 1
Author Princess71 Posted June 20, 2012 Author Posted June 20, 2012 He probably has some sexual hangups Princess. Maybe he likes emotional affection and enjoyed flirting, but couldn't take it once it turned physical. If he really enjoyed that make out session he would come back for more, especially since you're offering. That's not saying anything about you either, he wouldn't have enjoyed it with anyone. I think you're taking the actions of a damaged man too personally. It's funny. Everyone I talk to about this situation (and believe me, I have tortured all friends and family members with this) , tells me exactly what you did That he has sexual hangups. He used to be 650 pounds up until last year so maybe that has something to do with it. Maybe he doesn't see himself as normal weight now. Who knows. I also know that he doesnt date and that he rejected a very attractive girl that practically threw herself at him for sex. I know these things intellectually but yet I still take it personally. I guess my low self esteem makes me believe I have failed in some way. Like he liked me and I failed the test.
Author Princess71 Posted June 20, 2012 Author Posted June 20, 2012 I've also been told that it was really weird for him to freak out and leave my apartment when I was willing to continue. It was obvious he felt uncomfortable. Of cours pe I interpret this as he was repulsed by me.
gaius Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 I've also been told that it was really weird for him to freak out and leave my apartment when I was willing to continue. It was obvious he felt uncomfortable. Of cours pe I interpret this as he was repulsed by me. Well, look at it this way instead. He found you so lovely that he did something with you he found uncomfortable for a whole hour. And he did it convincingly. It's a very loving gesture even if you're interpreting it another way. That other girl didn't get an hour on the couch, right? Which means he was more into you than he was a girl you think is very attractive.
Author Princess71 Posted June 21, 2012 Author Posted June 21, 2012 Well, look at it this way instead. He found you so lovely that he did something with you he found uncomfortable for a whole hour. And he did it convincingly. It's a very loving gesture even if you're interpreting it another way. That other girl didn't get an hour on the couch, right? Which means he was more into you than he was a girl you think is very attractive. Wow, what a nice way to interpret this. Thank you for that. Unfortunately, that other girl did get an hour on the couch lol. What I meant was that he became friendly with her and flirted, just like with me, and then he backed off completely. This girl was not as controlled as I am and she cursed him out, calling him an ******* for not returning her calls etc. he told her he does not want a relationship. She begged him over and over to give it a try and he said no he just wants to be friends. Finally though she got her way and they fooled around once or twice but that's it. He told me she texts him once a month now. So he really treated her the same as he did me. You'd think i would see the similarities and accept that he has issues. But no. I still feel like I wasn't good enough. The worst part is that I feel that if he really does have issues and thats what's holding him back from me, then I feel like maybe he could get better and give me a chance someday. That thought is very frustrating because I feel like maybe there's something I could do to help the situation along. I have tried disappearing for a long time. Didn't work. Then I think about contacting him more often and letting him get comfortable with me So we could at least hang out as friends. But I don't want to look pathetic or desperate. Sigh.
Eddie Edirol Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 It's funny. Everyone I talk to about this situation (and believe me, I have tortured all friends and family members with this) , tells me exactly what you did That he has sexual hangups. He used to be 650 pounds up until last year so maybe that has something to do with it. Maybe he doesn't see himself as normal weight now. Who knows. I also know that he doesnt date and that he rejected a very attractive girl that practically threw herself at him for sex. I know these things intellectually but yet I still take it personally. I guess my low self esteem makes me believe I have failed in some way. Like he liked me and I failed the test. I think one of two things are happening with this guy. I think since he used to be 650 pounds, he has alot of hanging skin, and got rejected for it by a woman he fell for. Or maybe he wasnt really into you, he just wanted to have sex with you and nothing else. So he told you what you needed to hear, but realized when he made out with you that he didnt want you expecting anything from it.
Author Princess71 Posted June 21, 2012 Author Posted June 21, 2012 I think one of two things are happening with this guy. I think since he used to be 650 pounds, he has alot of hanging skin, and got rejected for it by a woman he fell for. Or maybe he wasnt really into you, he just wanted to have sex with you and nothing else. So he told you what you needed to hear, but realized when he made out with you that he didnt want you expecting anything from it. I agree with the second choice. Do you think that's why he freaked out? It just dawned on him that I might expect something? I have to assume he wasn't really into me or he would have wanted to keep seeing me. I guess I just don't understand male mentality. I don't understand how you can want to have sex with someone and yet not be into them, especially with someone you know on a personal level.
Author Princess71 Posted June 21, 2012 Author Posted June 21, 2012 I also don't understand why I'm looking to still be with him. I read so many posts on this board about people that are rejected and then feel so bad that they wouldn't even give that person another chance. They protect themselves from further hurt. But not me. I get rejected and I want to run right back in for more punishment.
Eddie Edirol Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 I guess I just don't understand male mentality. I don't understand how you can want to have sex with someone and yet not be into them, especially with someone you know on a personal level. Its easy to understand. The testes create a biological urge to be emptied. When youre a guy that isnt very experienced with women, youre not concerned anything except the sexual urge. You dont need emotional attachment. I think your guy was one of them. If he did alot of dating he could be the other guy. The guy who has alot of experience with women, but doesnt like dealing with women on a personal level. Thats two reasons he could have ran out on you. The emotional attachment doesnt come until you actually experience getting emotionally attached to someone.
Author Princess71 Posted June 21, 2012 Author Posted June 21, 2012 Its easy to understand. The testes create a biological urge to be emptied. When youre a guy that isnt very experienced with women, youre not concerned anything except the sexual urge. You dont need emotional attachment. I think your guy was one of them. If he did alot of dating he could be the other guy. The guy who has alot of experience with women, but doesnt like dealing with women on a personal level. Thats two reasons he could have ran out on you. The emotional attachment doesnt come until you actually experience getting emotionally attached to someone. Thanks for explaining that to me. But you would think that if he was so influenced by his "urge" that he wouldnt have run out on me. You think he was so scared of me expecting more that he'd give up sex with a girl who was ready, willing and able? I don't know if he is experienced or not. I know he had one long term relationship 17 years ago and not since. I don't know about ONS's or anything like that but since he was so big I gather he wasn't the neighborhood stud. He did tell me that he has trouble with women because they are so ."complicated", so that would seem to go along with your second theory. He also told me that when the other girl was chasing him, he was scared to death because he didn't know how to deal with it. That's when he mentioned the whole social anxiety thing.
gaius Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 You don't think much of yourself Princess, so you're drawn to a situation where you believe the guy doesn't think much of you either.
Author Princess71 Posted June 21, 2012 Author Posted June 21, 2012 You don't think much of yourself Princess, so you're drawn to a situation where you believe the guy doesn't think much of you either. I see your point, but what else cani conclude when he changed his mind so suddenly? How could I think he thinks well of me when he comes to hang out with me and then flees and won't come back? Lol.
Eddie Edirol Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 Thanks for explaining that to me. But you would think that if he was so influenced by his "urge" that he wouldnt have run out on me. You think he was so scared of me expecting more that he'd give up sex with a girl who was ready, willing and able? I don't know if he is experienced or not. I know he had one long term relationship 17 years ago and not since. I don't know about ONS's or anything like that but since he was so big I gather he wasn't the neighborhood stud. He did tell me that he has trouble with women because they are so ."complicated", so that would seem to go along with your second theory. He also told me that when the other girl was chasing him, he was scared to death because he didn't know how to deal with it. That's when he mentioned the whole social anxiety thing. In that case, then it sounds like he is really unexperienced with women, and the one from 17 years ago wasnt a good one and screwed him up. But sometimes, the brain kicks in and thinks about consequences, which could be why he ran out on you. Or maybe he's a premature ejaculator and came before he even took his pants off, and thats why he ran.
Leigh 87 Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 Don't take it personally. Most 17 year old boys and girls are not fully formed -, in terms of their personality, so there will be guys who FULLY know you, and who will be into you NOW that your a little older, and have better formed your personality. COme on though - at 17, neither of you probably had a good sence of you you were - there is not a lot to like, if your teens who have not really developed much of a personality yet! This guy probably did not know who he was yet, and who he was looking for. He may not have been very into you, but he may well have still thought a lot about you, too - so do not take it personally. With guys like him, and at that age - from my experience, it takes a very uderstanding girl, to 'get' them. I et am the type of girl who would sit down and propely talk to that sort of guy, and get a feel for him, and I really try to get all types of people to open up to me. Perhaps he had issues, and needed the right girl to understand him, and say the right things and make him feel like he could open up more. You know - a girl that would hold his hand and wall him through his issues; ot cute girls he wanted to get with, but did not otherwise know. Either way, it is not that remarkable to you or him; come on now, some kid you barly knew.... Wonder about guys LIKE him, but do not think about it too much. A number of things could have happened, but it is not important; he did not know you, you did not now him well, and it happened a long time ago. People who are in love tend to cope after about a year, so do not put too much thought into a guy you were not even that into, at an age where most people do not have a striong, and fully formed personality yet.
xdxb Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 He also told me that when the other girl was chasing him, he was scared to death because he didn't know how to deal with it. That's when he mentioned the whole social anxiety thing. At the end of the day he's still a guy, men like to chase women, that's why he got freaked out by this other chick putting him on a pedestal. For whatever reason, he's not into you, you should focus more on making your life happy and fufilling so that you will attract mr. right without even realizing it.
Author Princess71 Posted June 21, 2012 Author Posted June 21, 2012 Don't take it personally. Most 17 year old boys and girls are not fully formed -, in terms of their personality, so there will be guys who FULLY know you, and who will be into you NOW that your a little older, and have better formed your personality. COme on though - at 17, neither of you probably had a good sence of you you were - there is not a lot to like, if your teens who have not really developed much of a personality yet! This guy probably did not know who he was yet, and who he was looking for. He may not have been very into you, but he may well have still thought a lot about you, too - so do not take it personally. With guys like him, and at that age - from my experience, it takes a very uderstanding girl, to 'get' them. I et am the type of girl who would sit down and propely talk to that sort of guy, and get a feel for him, and I really try to get all types of people to open up to me. Perhaps he had issues, and needed the right girl to understand him, and say the right things and make him feel like he could open up more. You know - a girl that would hold his hand and wall him through his issues; ot cute girls he wanted to get with, but did not otherwise know. Either way, it is not that remarkable to you or him; come on now, some kid you barly knew.... Wonder about guys LIKE him, but do not think about it too much. A number of things could have happened, but it is not important; he did not know you, you did not now him well, and it happened a long time ago. People who are in love tend to cope after about a year, so do not put too much thought into a guy you were not even that into, at an age where most people do not have a striong, and fully formed personality yet. Ummm we are not teenagers. I said he had a girlfriend 17 YEARS AGO. And we were friends. This wasn't someone I barely knew lol.
Author Princess71 Posted June 22, 2012 Author Posted June 22, 2012 Its easy to understand. The testes create a biological urge to be emptied. When youre a guy that isnt very experienced with women, youre not concerned anything except the sexual urge. You dont need emotional attachment. I think your guy was one of them. If he did alot of dating he could be the other guy. The guy who has alot of experience with women, but doesnt like dealing with women on a personal level. Thats two reasons he could have ran out on you. The emotional attachment doesnt come until you actually experience getting emotionally attached to someone. I think you are right. He just wanted to have sex with me and changed his mind. Could it be that he has intimacy issues?
Recommended Posts