nomosunshine Posted July 1, 2004 Posted July 1, 2004 Don't know where to begin..........my husband cheated. I had felt it for some time so needless to say our marriage was a little strained at times. Finally on June 4th, the truth came out when I caught a phone conversation from the other woman. She lives in the US and we live in Canada. My husband met her on vacation and has met with her on a couple of occasions since February. I know that he has been in contact with her by phone.........lots of times! I won't go into the details of all the signs that came to light over the very recent past, but you should know that my older daughter had suspected the same thing and did her own private detective work. Now our three children know, as well as family and a few friends. The thing is, he says he is suffering from depression, so when he went to the doctor they gave him depression pills and sleeping pills and then sent him to a psychiatrist. He says he told the doctor about his infidelity and how he feels guilty and embarrassed, but really not remorseful for doing it. He says he liked it. When I ask if he wants to be with the other woman, he says he can't because of the distance.......not that he wants to stay with me. He claims he is sick and hasn't any feelings for anything. He is not interested in doing things around the house and has lost all interest in family, house and me. But, he says he does not hate or dislike me, he claims I have to love him and show him that I want to be with him........because that is why he went to someone else. I can honestly say that I had not been paying alot of attention to him, but the same is for him. We are both guilty of that. I have always been the one to try and fix our home life, suggesting he spend more time with me and the kids. Of course this would cause a fight. He felt that he was bringing in the money and that was all he was good for, although this is the life HE CHOSE! He would always replace his time that he had not spent with us, with money or restaurants. I have been the one with the household responsibilities, children sporting events, working, etc. I have tried to let him know how I feel.....his golf came first, friends second, children third and me fourth. I have even suggested that his priorities are F____. At first when I discovered his infidelity, there was alot of anger, hurt and crying, although I still cry almost every day, because I think he "just doesn't get it!" He was sleeping on the couch at first, but felt that he could come back to our bed. This I allowed because I truly would love to reconcile but he is making it soooo difficult. One day he is decent and the next day he speaks to me with such anger in his voice. He continually tells me how sick he is.....Well, what about me??? I am sick too! He expects me to have semi-sex with him, because that is how he will begin to feel better about us. He wants me to put my arms around him to let him know I love him. Isn't he suppose to be the one to try to repair this relationship???? I didn't cheat!!!I know that this is so totally wrong. He is trying to blame me and the children for what he has done. He says I don't cook, they don't do their chores, and he is not accepting any responsibility for what he has done. He is trying to justify what he has done by what we have not done. I guess he feels I should just get over it. This morning was the kicker. He was angry because I was not touching him... I told him that he should be the one trying to regain my trust first by being honest with me, calling me during the day, being a little humble, talking to me with a little respect rather than anger, maybe hold my hands and say nice things, try to have some alone time together. He says he won't be doing that! I have suggested that he leave and he has even suggested that he leave, but he hasn't yet. I told him to go and find himself. I have also told him that I need time to heal and that 1 month is not going to be enough at this stage. He is so flip with his comments back to me, so cold, and although he claims he is no longer talking to this woman (she was angry when he told her he was still with his wife, because he lied to her.....supposedly she was very angry and called him names and said she didn't want to speak to him anymore.....so he says) it just feels like he could still be talking to her. He has told me that he is not or has not since the blow up. By the way, this is not his first encounter with another woman......although he claims the other time was just for oral pleasure. I don't know how many more...if at all..... As I type this, I know the answer many would give me...but there has to be some hope...somehow. I thought I would be married to this man forever. We have been together for 33 years and married 29 years this August. It should be worth salvaging. Any Dr. Phil's willing to help me???? I need to be happy again.
HokeyReligions Posted July 1, 2004 Posted July 1, 2004 Kick his butt to the curb and tell him that if he wants to have a happy marriage with YOU, then he had better get himself into therapy and PROVE to you that he is worthy of your love. He needs to get this depression under control, but let me tell you---depression is NOT an excuse or justification for cheating. You have tolerated it before and you do not have to tolerate it at all. I would advise you to get some outside help to deal with your own self-confidence and pain. Try mariagebuilders.com for some good information and guidelines---it may help you to organize your thoughts and help yourself......It helped me in that way (different circumstance but still emotional) There was so much coming at me that I didn't know what to think about first, or what to cry about and it was just overwhelming. Getting your thoughts organized so that you can break down your own priorities and desires and needs goes a very long way in helping yourself feel better and make good decisions.
sinner Posted July 1, 2004 Posted July 1, 2004 Your marriage is effectively over. Separate and divorce him. He is the throes of a major mid-life crisis that makes him morally resemble a rebellious teenager. He wants to do that what makes him feel good and vital, and this does not involve you and the kids. His family is an Albatross that he wants to unload. All he can think about is what pleasures him. He is no longer anyone's husband or father. He is a Player. A Peter Pan. Contact a good divorce lawyer and protect the assets. Your husband can easily hook up with another woman and, as part of the seduction ritual, shower her with thousands of dollars worth of sexy and expensive items. You don't want that. As for the "Depression," I believe that the diagnosis is a cop-out, yet another way to avoid responsibility-- as is his blaming you and the kids. Yeah, responsibility and monogamy are such a drag. Your husband is thinking with his zipper, which is not unusual for men--especially for middle-aged ones confronting their own mortality and, even worse, diminishing virility. Welcome to the Age of Viagra.
miz_barby Posted July 1, 2004 Posted July 1, 2004 I'm so sorry that someone who has been married so long has to go through this! He needs to realize what he's losing if he loses you! I don't think he quite realizes how much he needs you and doesn't appreciate you the way he should! It is sad and I hope things work out for you but you don't deserve to be treated so badly!
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