Author c0nfused88 Posted June 21, 2012 Author Posted June 21, 2012 It isn't black & white. As long as everyone knows the score then you don't have to decide anything. But if you are leading on any of those men (letting them believe their the only guy making time with you) then you need to stop because you are becoming a POS. I meet many women who do their best to make it seem like if it wasn't for me they'd be sitting at home watching their Vampire diaries boxed set on TV. When the reality is their juggling a few guys & a FWB and it becomes apparent to me after only a few weeks of knowing them. If they haven't figured out whether they want to be with me or not after a month of dating? They got my number when they are ready to. So for me I consider myself single until a woman wants to go public with us being official. If a woman doesn't want me talking to other women but doesn't want to tell her friends & family that we are an item & officially take herself off the market it means there is someone else she really wants to be official with & is just using me for attention. So i just have to wonder how your able to keep this many men around for this long. Unless you consider "entertaining" to mean sex. Thank you for your response. I don't consider entertaining to mean sex-- no sex with any of them. To a certain degree they know the "score", i.e. that I am seeing others. However, at what point do you discuss this, or at what point is it appropriate? It seems terribly odd to me that on a first date I would divulge that information. However, after what-- three.. four.. dates do I casually mention I am seeing others? That almost sounds like I am laying forth a desperate trap-- that I am saying this to make them jealous or make them want to commit. Hmm.
Pierre Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 Thank you for your response. I don't consider entertaining to mean sex-- no sex with any of them. To a certain degree they know the "score", i.e. that I am seeing others. However, at what point do you discuss this, or at what point is it appropriate? It seems terribly odd to me that on a first date I would divulge that information. However, after what-- three.. four.. dates do I casually mention I am seeing others? That almost sounds like I am laying forth a desperate trap-- that I am saying this to make them jealous or make them want to commit. Hmm. You should be honest at all times. There is nothing wrong with asking are you seeing others on the first date. It is nothing more than casual conversation and part of the interview process. If I ask and I get a yes or a no, that is important info. If I get an evading answer then I know the person may be lying. The problem I see with you is that you are on the 10th date with a guy and you are starting to date another guy. On top of that you have a FWB that you see regularly. You stated this FWB relationship is going nowhere. The 4th guy is away on a trip, but apparently in the picture. This is what I would suggest to you if you are truly multi-dating with no malice. 1. You need to drop the guy you have dated 10 times. You are seeing your FWB (which is going nowhere) and you are starting to date another new guy. So, it is clear the guy that took you out 10 times is not the one for you. 2. Drop the FWB. Why do you need a FWB when you are dating three other men? 3. At most date the new guy and wait for the guy that is away on a trip to return ----and then compare notes.
Pierre Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 To a certain degree they know the "score", i.e. that I am seeing others. However, at what point do you discuss this, or at what point is it appropriate? It seems terribly odd to me that on a first date I would divulge that information. You are assuming they know. Nice mechanism of defense to make you feel better. However, after what-- three.. four.. dates do I casually mention I am seeing others? That almost sounds like I am laying forth a desperate trap-- that I am saying this to make them jealous or make them want to commit. Hmm. For God's sake! You have already dated one of the four guys 10 times! Why can't you be honest. Your post suggest you are struggling with all the info you are not giving your dates. 1
mysteryscape Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 One book, by one Cindy Lu, suggests telling them on the second, no later than third date, that you are seeing others. 2
snug.bunny Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 (Boy, is it hard to figure out how to reply here to the post I want). You say the "threshold" is "physical intimacy." But as others have noted, it's obvious, "physical intimacy" means different things to different people. Intercourse? Heavy making out? Kissing? Hugging? Alright, allow me to rephrase... If you're having sex with someone you're dating, being naked together, touching/rubbing each other, and you're doing anything besides "hugging" another person outside of that, that doesn't include your Mom, Sister, Cousin, ahhhh I think you should very well know the difference. So, I'm trying to think of a few variables here. If I was dating someone and we were being naked together, touching/rubbing each other, making out but no sex and I learned he was doing the same thing to another women, hmmm yeah, my perception of him may shift. If I was dating someone and we were being naked together, touching/rubbing each other, making out but no sex and I learned he went out on a coffee date, dinner, movie with another woman, in a romantic sense, and they hugged or gave each other a peck on the lips, I'd probably be like "what the heck", but also say to myself "well, we haven't actually had sex yet, we're still dating, maybe he met this person around the same time we started dating", yadda yadda. Keep in mind, I've never gone past a second date with someone unless I felt a strong interest in him. At which point, my focus had only been on him. Again, this is coming from someone (me) who has more experience/time IN LTR relationships versus dating tons of different men. I had more than ample opportunity to date tons of different men as opposed to being in a relationship, as I was quite a hot little number, and had the offers come to me and I was more than capable/willing to go after whomever I wanted. 2
mysteryscape Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 OK, I think you've made it pretty clear -- but believe me, different people have different ideas about what constitutes "physical intimacy," at least, acceptable physical intimacy. Just read Cindy Lu's book as an example. Personally, I think I'm pretty much on the same page with you -- other behavior by myself or my partner would soon make me feel very uncomfortable (I speak from experience on both sides).
oaks Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 You know what, I started out saying you are right.. some... but then thought again... I figured the rare planetary alignment that meant that we briefly agreed on something wouldn't last for long! 1
oaks Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 Hi c0nfused88, I don't think I ever replied to your original post. I'll try now: How many do you usually manage dating at once? Between 2 and 5, and most of the first dates don't end up with second dates. How do you deal with being at different dating levels at the same time i.e. date one with someone and date ten with another? I've never let things get that out-of-step, and I've never dated beyond a 3rd date before choosing to date only a single person. At what point do you think it is best to make a decision? A certain time frame? A certain number of dates? Some questions to answer are "do I want to have a relationship with this person?" and "do I want to be in a situation where I wake up next to this person?" (assuming either of those things are things you're looking for.) I find it's fairly easy, so far, to answer those questions within a few dates. I have a rule not to go beyond 5 dates if I'm dating more than one person, but it's never gone past 3. I am not real sure how long I can keep this up without a decision. I suppose it depends why you're unable to make a decision. Which one do you like most? Pick him.
phineas Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 Thank you for your response. I don't consider entertaining to mean sex-- no sex with any of them. To a certain degree they know the "score", i.e. that I am seeing others. However, at what point do you discuss this, or at what point is it appropriate? It seems terribly odd to me that on a first date I would divulge that information. However, after what-- three.. four.. dates do I casually mention I am seeing others? That almost sounds like I am laying forth a desperate trap-- that I am saying this to make them jealous or make them want to commit. Hmm. A "degree"?. Look they wither straight up know you are dating other men or they don't. I'm guessing they don't because I cannot imagine any man with options hanging around past the 3rd or 4th date unless he himself is dating multiple women and probably has a FWB so he can take his time with you. I also read you have a FWB? I know they don't know about him. LOL! This is where seeing more than one person for too long at a time can get you into trouble & feelings hurt. I don't really have any advice because again i'm still shocked that nobody has asked you to be exclusive, gone without sex, or just bailed on you after 3 or 4 dates regardless of whether they know about the other men in your life. Unless you are telling them you need to take it slow. Please don't tell me you are while having a FWB.
Author c0nfused88 Posted June 21, 2012 Author Posted June 21, 2012 A "degree"?. Look they wither straight up know you are dating other men or they don't. I'm guessing they don't because I cannot imagine any man with options hanging around past the 3rd or 4th date unless he himself is dating multiple women and probably has a FWB so he can take his time with you. I also read you have a FWB? I know they don't know about him. LOL! This is where seeing more than one person for too long at a time can get you into trouble & feelings hurt. I don't really have any advice because again i'm still shocked that nobody has asked you to be exclusive, gone without sex, or just bailed on you after 3 or 4 dates regardless of whether they know about the other men in your life. Unless you are telling them you need to take it slow. Please don't tell me you are while having a FWB. The fwb is without very many benefits right now. Also, I am telling them I like to take it slow. I do-- regardless of whether or not I'm seeing anyone else.
Pierre Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 I don't really have any advice because again i'm still shocked that nobody has asked you to be exclusive, gone without sex, or just bailed on you after 3 or 4 dates regardless of whether they know about the other men in your life. Unless you are telling them you need to take it slow. Please don't tell me you are while having a FWB. I believe OP said she is not having sex and that includes the FWB. I guess she implied that the benefits do not include intercourse. However, she is probably making out with these guys. One of the four guys has dated her quite a bit! I think this guy is being played big time.
Author c0nfused88 Posted June 21, 2012 Author Posted June 21, 2012 I believe OP said she is not having sex and that includes the FWB. I guess she implied that the benefits do not include intercourse. However, she is probably making out with these guys. One of the four guys has dated her quite a bit! I think this guy is being played big time. Part of me wants to provide more information-- but I know it will be used as fodder to further attack me.
RedRobin Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 (edited) I was going to say something kinda disgusting, but I think we all have a very good picture of the situation. So, OP... explain why you can't tell these men you are seeing others or drop a few out of the queue? I'm starting to wonder why you asked the question... you can see that people aren't helping you fudge. If you want to stop being 'attacked', how about you develop some character, eh? You are giving all these poor multi-daters a bad(der) name. Edited June 21, 2012 by RedRobin
phineas Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 The fwb is without very many benefits right now. Also, I am telling them I like to take it slow. I do-- regardless of whether or not I'm seeing anyone else. I believe OP said she is not having sex and that includes the FWB. I guess she implied that the benefits do not include intercourse. However, she is probably making out with these guys. One of the four guys has dated her quite a bit! I think this guy is being played big time. I believe you are correct about someone being played here. Taking it slow to me means getting to know each other without the distractions of other people. I've wisened up & learned to ask questions along with looking at actions. If someone doesn't WANT to see me at least once a week it's because she probably has another guy she's seeing. My favorite was the woman who said "i'm not interested in anyone else" while she slept with her ex-BF. Yeah, I got played big time on that one. But on the bright side she at least even refrained from kissing me so I didn't have to swap spit with the other guy.
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