RedRobin Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 Oh in that case then yes, your understanding of multidating is spot on. - Before the exclusive talk, it's don't ask don't tell. You assume everyone to be multidating, but you don't ask about it. - If you're ready for exclusivity talk, then do it. That's the only time you can talk about their multidating status. - If you are in agreement, then both of you should start letting all the others go. It may or may not happen immediately, but both of you should be working toward that goal. - Then once REAL exclusivity is reached, i.e. sever romantic ties with all others, then you are in an exclusive and committed relationship. Congratulations, but the real work starts. Because being in a relationship isn't easy. It takes effort. But of course, like you said, unless you are SURE you want to commit, don't. Being single, even if you're not dating anyone, is way better than being in a relationship with someone you are not compatible with. Yes, don't ask don't tell is a perfect way to build trust. :sick: this is my favorite part... 'working toward that goal'.. what does that mean? You only give your other partners blow jobs but you have intercourse with your 'exclusive' partner? Oh, we know when REAL exclusivity is reached, um, when? That's right... when the multidater SAYS it is (circle back to don't ask, don't tell and check box for honesty). Gotta love it.
RedRobin Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 I know this may sound weird.. but I don't really have the desire to date a man dating other women. Call me hypocritical-- but just being honest. That being said, if any of these guys upfront asked me if I was seeing anyone else I would be honest. If they expressed that they are keen on only seeing one person at a time and didn't want to be one of many then if I was interested I would stop seeing others. I realize that men get scared away when women want exclusivity too soon or get "clingy". If it is brought up that he desires this and if I was interested as well I would see him exclusively. Once again... leaving the tough nuggets of communication up to others. Sounds like a great foundation for a loving, trusting relationship. (yea, that's me. Poking holes in multi-dater logic. It's a dirty job, but someone's gotta do it).
Author c0nfused88 Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 Once again... leaving the tough nuggets of communication up to others. Sounds like a great foundation for a loving, trusting relationship. (yea, that's me. Poking holes in multi-dater logic. It's a dirty job, but someone's gotta do it). That's not really fair for you to attack this much. One man out of town-- doesn't really play into it. One guy I have only been on a few dates-- why on earth would I ask for exclusivity? Another one is at the point where we probably need to become exclusive or stop dating. I feel sorry that you're so bitter. I came on here to simply ask at what point does one handle the exclusivity talk-- or how does one handle seeing others and being on different dating time-frames. If you want to turn this into personally attacking me, that's your prerogative but I don't want to partake.
Pierre Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 I know this may sound weird.. but I don't really have the desire to date a man dating other women. Call me hypocritical-- but just being honest. Typical multi-dater who does not apply the golden rule!:eek: 1
Pierre Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 If they don't ask, then why wouldn't I keep my options open? You gotta love the lies by omission of multi daters!:) 1
fishtaco Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 That's not really fair for you to attack this much. One man out of town-- doesn't really play into it. One guy I have only been on a few dates-- why on earth would I ask for exclusivity? Another one is at the point where we probably need to become exclusive or stop dating. I feel sorry that you're so bitter. I came on here to simply ask at what point does one handle the exclusivity talk-- or how does one handle seeing others and being on different dating time-frames. If you want to turn this into personally attacking me, that's your prerogative but I don't want to partake. Good. RedRobin is on my ignore list for the same reason. Unfortunately I get to see her quoted posts anyway. BTW, you can put people on the ignore list by going into the "My Profile/CP" link. I have a number of people on my list. It's a good tool. Anyway, don't get sucked into it. It'll just turn into a typical pointless internet fight with circular arguments. I did it, I should have walked away, so I'm recommending for you to walk away now too. We both have multidated, and I actually found "the one" doing so. But later in the relationship, way after committed exclusivity, I screwed it up. But that has nothing to do with multidating, that came from the fact that I didn't have enough understanding of relationships. Hopefully I learned my lesson. We both have real life multidating experience to know what it's about. It's not what RedRobin and Pierre imagine it to be. Stick to what you know. You shouldn't believe anything you read on the internet anyway. Use your real life experience as filter. And same to Pierre and RedRobin, use your real life filters, feel free to assume I'm full of sh*t. Doesn't bother me at all.
RedRobin Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 Sure there are many definitions of sex-- some don't consider oral sex to be sex... while others consider any form of touching sex. I am not hear to argue definitions or logistics with you. I would not say I am keeping four men dangling-- they are certainly at different stages in getting to know me. I am not the type of person to just agree to be in a relationship with anyone, I take relationships seriously. I understand you statement about sex on the first date-- I have dated guys like that recently and if that sort of forward behavior continued I cut it off. I do make it clear I am not looking for casual sex or any sort of hookup situation. I am sure you will attack me for what I am about to say. In no way am I trying to be arrogant in this statement, but I am an independent and confident woman and I know what I want. Men seem to like this attitude and are more willing to be patient with me. I know what is coming next... soooo OP if you know what you want then why can't you decide and why are you "dangling" along men? Again, it is relatively early in seeing a few of them and one of them is out of town for another 6 weeks or so. Again, I would like to reiterate that I do not just jump into a relationship. I want to go in with a clear mind and know what I am getting into. I'm independent and confident too. Confident enough not to tolerate people with bad communication skills who would be 'patient' with me, but lie about their whereabouts and f*ck other women while they are getting to know me. You are relatively young, and naive too. Looks like. FYI... you don't have to multi-date to go in with a clear mind. In fact, I've never met a clear-minded multi-dater yet. It is their lack of clarity that makes them a multi-dater. And round and round it goes.
RedRobin Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 That's not really fair for you to attack this much. Don't take it personally. I give the same to all multi-daters. Sick of having to deal with multi-daters IRL so I take pains to expose the BS here. One man out of town-- doesn't really play into it. By all means... out of sight out of mind. One guy I have only been on a few dates-- why on earth would I ask for exclusivity? Um, why wouldn't you tell him you are seeing other men and let him decide if he wants to go forward? No, that's too difficult, eh? Gotta leave the tough stuff up to others... Another one is at the point where we probably need to become exclusive or stop dating. And why is that, exactly? I feel sorry that you're so bitter. Not bitter at all. Just don't like people who feel the need to fudge with others so they can keep their options open as long as possible. yes, part of being a grown up is taking risks and being honest with others so that they can make decisions for themselves. That is how mature people build trust and intimacy. I came on here to simply ask at what point does one handle the exclusivity talk-- or how does one handle seeing others and being on different dating time-frames. and I answered. I said, don't bother having the 'exclusivity' talk. Since you are ok leaving communication up to others. Just keep stringing them along as long as possible.
ThaWholigan Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 I'm not sure that multi-dating is bad for everyone.....perhaps going one at a time and exclusive very early on is a risk if one keeps running into incompatible partners every time. At what point does one's standards start to impede upon their dating lives? Purely hypothetical......
malibustacydoll Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 I'm not sure that multi-dating is bad for everyone.....perhaps going one at a time and exclusive very early on is a risk if one keeps running into incompatible partners every time. At what point does one's standards start to impede upon their dating lives? Purely hypothetical...... I have dated several men where I knew relatively early on that things weren't going to work out and I let them know. I now have a few men in my life that there is less clarity with-- no obvious red flags/dealbreakers coming up. Sure, I realize I need to decide at some point what direction I want-- and if I wait to long that direction may not be an option anymore. That is the risk that I take. It seems a bit ridiculous to jump right into a relationship from the get-go or have some predetermined number of dates where exclusivity is implied.
RedRobin Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 I'm not sure that multi-dating is bad for everyone.....perhaps going one at a time and exclusive very early on is a risk if one keeps running into incompatible partners every time. At what point does one's standards start to impede upon their dating lives? Purely hypothetical...... Actually, the main thing I find incompatible about many of the men I come across is their multi-dating. I don't date for sport. When I agree to date someone, it is because I want to at least attempt to build trust and intimacy. Multi-daters don't do that. They lie by omission as long as possible so that someone else is taking the risk so they don't have to. The OP (and her buddy Fishtaco) illustrate that with all of their justifications. I think they are both incredibly naive to think that a 'relationship' built on lies will ever last. Not sure why they can't make that link, but oh well. That is for them to sort out I guess. You want to follow in their path, go right ahead. All the people *I* know who are in successful marriages never multi-dated. If you don't want to get married or don't have any interest beyond whatever feels good for now... then sure, follow their model.
ThaWholigan Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 Actually, the main thing I find incompatible about many of the men I come across is their multi-dating. I don't date for sport. When I agree to date someone, it is because I want to at least attempt to build trust and intimacy. Multi-daters don't do that. They lie by omission as long as possible so that someone else is taking the risk so they don't have to. The OP (and her buddy Fishtaco) illustrate that with all of their justifications. I think they are both incredibly naive to think that a 'relationship' built on lies will ever last. Not sure why they can't make that link, but oh well. That is for them to sort out I guess. You want to follow in their path, go right ahead. All the people *I* know who are in successful marriages never multi-dated. If you don't want to get married or don't have any interest beyond whatever feels good for now... then sure, follow their model. What about multi-daters who are upfront about it? By the way, I am not a multi-dater..........or a singular dater for that matter. I haven't decided yet which one would be better for me.
RedRobin Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 What about multi-daters who are upfront about it? That would be honest. But notice in the recommendations provided here, the advice is 'don't ask, don't tell'. Most multi-daters have this style because they don't like being upfront and honest. It really goes against the grain. Besides, it might jeapardize their 'chances' and risk having one or more take their toys away if they were. In fact, they'll even tell you that the other person doesn't deserve honesty yet. That whom else they 'date' is noone else's business. I've seen that here too. The justifications are endless.
fishtaco Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 I'm not sure that multi-dating is bad for everyone.....perhaps going one at a time and exclusive very early on is a risk if one keeps running into incompatible partners every time. At what point does one's standards start to impede upon their dating lives? Purely hypothetical...... It's true. But that's where personal preferences come in. Both multidating and non-multidating have pros and cons. So it's about what your preference is. Plus non-mulidater and multidater are on the same progression tree. But non-mulitdaters simply skip the beginning part. They begin by making sure their potential partner isn't seeing other people, where multidaters don't make that a requirement until they are sure they want to commit. Being that I'm a multidater, my views are biased toward multidating. So I would say that makes more sense, because how can you be in a committed, exclusive, yet casual relationship? If you're not sure, then you're not sure. You're still testing the waters. While you are testing the waters, you don't get to tell your potential partner they can't see other people. But I'm sure non-multidaters have an answer to why that works better. I'm not equipped to answer that question. Perhaps a non-multidater could answer that? Preferably one that isn't angry? 2
RedRobin Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 But I'm sure non-multidaters have an answer to why that works better. I'm not equipped to answer that question. Perhaps a non-multidater could answer that? Preferably one that isn't angry? Sure, because I've never observed a relationship to last that was built on 'don't ask, don't tell" and other nuggets of wisdom like that. Most of my family (parent, aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins) and close friends are married and happily so. None of them multi-dated. I observe what actually 'works' for people who are looking for a committed, and hopefully, life-long relationship. You don't want that? multi-date forever. Who cares? Just do the rest of us a favor and be upfront about it.
Author c0nfused88 Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 Multi-daters don't do that. They lie by omission as long as possible so that someone else is taking the risk so they don't have to. The OP (and her buddy Fishtaco) illustrate that with all of their justifications. What are you doing later Fishtaco? ;-)
fishtaco Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 What are you doing later Fishtaco? ;-) Bahaha! I know this awesome tequila bar. They have over 150 different types of tequila. If we get drunk, we'll call ThaWholigan to give us a ride home, then we'll take him to an upscale fancy steakhouse to thank him. 2
ThaWholigan Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 Bahaha! I know this awesome tequila bar. They have over 150 different types of tequila. If we get drunk, we'll call ThaWholigan to give us a ride home, then we'll take him to an upscale fancy steakhouse to thank him. I'm pescetarian, my diet is mostly vegetables and fish .
Author c0nfused88 Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 Bahaha! I know this awesome tequila bar. They have over 150 different types of tequila. If we get drunk, we'll call ThaWholigan to give us a ride home, then we'll take him to an upscale fancy steakhouse to thank him. I'm not a huge fan of tequila but I could be persuaded. May I bring my harem and you bring yours? That could make for great conversation.
Author c0nfused88 Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 I'm pescetarian, my diet is mostly vegetables and fish . I like fish.... :-) 1
oaks Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 I love coming to threads like this to be reminded that I'm a liar with no conscience or morals. Now, where's this bar?
Author c0nfused88 Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 I love coming to threads like this to be reminded that I'm a liar with no conscience or morals. Now, where's this bar? Come out with Fishtaco and I later.. I will buy you a drink.
fishtaco Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 I'm pescetarian, my diet is mostly vegetables and fish . I'm not a huge fan of tequila but I could be persuaded. May I bring my harem and you bring yours? That could make for great conversation. Hahaha! Struck out twice, no steak and not into tequila. Of course, the more the better! I like fish.... :-) My diet is confused women. Just kidding... or am I? No really, I was just kidding. I love coming to threads like this to be reminded that I'm a liar with no conscience or morals. Now, where's this bar? Yeah, come out, it'll be a celebration of people without morals. I'll drink to that.
Pierre Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 I love coming to threads like this to be reminded that I'm a liar with no conscience or morals. Now, where's this bar? But lying by omission is the hallmark of multi-datiing. Does that bother you?
RedRobin Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 But lying by omission is the hallmark of multi-datiing. Does that bother you? Of course it doesn't bother them. That's the point, right? They enjoy making chumps out of and using single daters for their fun. This is why they are multi-daters. They lie and enjoy it. Then justify it later. She is joking about her harem. He frequents bars with 150 brands of tequila. Probably where he finds date # who knows? Classy. It would be great if all the multi-daters hooked up with each other, TBH. Less garbage for the rest of us to wade through. Yea, go ahead and hang out at your 'bar' folks. :sick:
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