c0nfused88 Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 I am curious with those individuals on here who are currently multi-dating, more specifically with people you've met online. How many do you usually manage dating at once? How do you deal with being at different dating levels at the same time i.e. date one with someone and date ten with another? At what point do you think it is best to make a decision? A certain time frame? A certain number of dates? I am curious because I am in a serious state of confusion right now. I am "entertaining" four men. One is out of town for another month or so and the second we have some history/didn't meet online. The other two I have met online. I am not real sure how long I can keep this up without a decision.
Pierre Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 I am curious with those individuals on here who are currently multi-dating, more specifically with people you've met online. How many do you usually manage dating at once? How do you deal with being at different dating levels at the same time i.e. date one with someone and date ten with another? At what point do you think it is best to make a decision? A certain time frame? A certain number of dates? I am curious because I am in a serious state of confusion right now. I am "entertaining" four men. One is out of town for another month or so and the second we have some history/didn't meet online. The other two I have met online. I am not real sure how long I can keep this up without a decision. Multi-daters are able to live in compartments. The may be with person X today, person Y yesterday, and plan to see person Z tomorrow. These folks separate emotions and circumstances quite well and do a credible job on their dates. If you are not good at living in compartments then multi-dating is not for you.
FitChick Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 OP, what if you pick one guy but he isn't ready to be exclusive?
Author c0nfused88 Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 OP, what if you pick one guy but he isn't ready to be exclusive? I guess at that point I'd probably walk away. Although I am pretty certain two of them would be very game for exclusivity. The third I am 90% sure would be interested as well. The fourth guy I don't know very well and would not ask that this early. If any of them came to me with asking for it-- I'd have to seriously consider..
Pierre Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 I guess at that point I'd probably walk away. Although I am pretty certain two of them would be very game for exclusivity. The third I am 90% sure would be interested as well. The fourth guy I don't know very well and would not ask that this early. If any of them came to me with asking for it-- I'd have to seriously consider.. Multidating leads to confusion and inability to fully commit to a person.
runner Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 multi-dating does sounds like a lot of work. i have trouble remembering whom i told what to in my own social circle. not for me, thanks
RedRobin Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 Seems like you are doing just fine with it. Here's a checklist for multi-daters that might help... Your conscience doesn't seem terribly burdened by the weight of it. (check!) Noone has asked for openness, honesty, or any kind of timetable so why worry about it now? (check!) Swapping bodily fluids with numerous people simultaneously, or the possibility of them doing so on a regular basis doesn't gross you out (check!) You don't seem to care about who asks for exclusivity, as long as you continue to have 'options', that is A-OK (check!) So what if you or they are confused? Just keep churning, sister...
fishtaco Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 Multidating is simple. You are all casual until the exclusivity talk. There's no "what are we" type ambiguity. It is all clear, you know exactly where you stand. But, the responsibility then falls on your decision making skills. Are you ready for exclusivity, with which one? Only you will know, none of us can tell you that. The rules is, well not even a rule, it's just what makes sense... whoever wants exclusivity should to bring it up. So if you're ready, bring it up. If you're not ready, keep dating them until you figure it out. If they bring it up, well, time for you to make a decision and say yes or no. Multidating is a perfectly acceptable dating philosophy. You're doing fine. I mean, afterall, you are the one with four men to choose from, I'd say you're doing pretty good. Good luck.
RedRobin Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 Here's a question... Why would anyone believe a multi-dater when they say they want to be 'exclusive'? If they've developed a habit of seeing multiple people and enjoying it, why would anyone believe you are a special snowflake that they have now 'chosen'? From what I've read on LS, alot of multi-daters expect the other person to be the vulnerable one and accept all the risks... hence the need to hedge bets with lots of other people hanging around. My observation of multi-daters is that they ask for exclusivity so they can get the other person to stop seeing other people... or convince them that they are monogamous when they really aren't. Anyway, if you are into multi-dating, why not just stay 'casual' forever? That way, multi-daters stay out of the dating pool of those who are focused and monogamous... and those who are more focused and monogamous don't have to put up with multi-daters. Of course, that would depend on the multi-dater's ability to be honest about the fact they are multi-dating so that the monogamous ones can avoid them. Almost never happens though. They like monogamous people... they just don't like being monogamous themselves.
Author c0nfused88 Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 Here's a question... Why would anyone believe a multi-dater when they say they want to be 'exclusive'? If they've developed a habit of seeing multiple people and enjoying it, why would anyone believe you are a special snowflake that they have now 'chosen'? From what I've read on LS, alot of multi-daters expect the other person to be the vulnerable one and accept all the risks... hence the need to hedge bets with lots of other people hanging around. My observation of multi-daters is that they ask for exclusivity so they can get the other person to stop seeing other people... or convince them that they are monogamous when they really aren't. Anyway, if you are into multi-dating, why not just stay 'casual' forever? That way, multi-daters stay out of the dating pool of those who are focused and monogamous... and those who are more focused and monogamous don't have to put up with multi-daters. Of course, that would depend on the multi-dater's ability to be honest about the fact they are multi-dating so that the monogamous ones can avoid them. Almost never happens though. They like monogamous people... they just don't like being monogamous themselves. I do understand what you're saying-- however, for all I know they're doing the same thing I am. Also, for the record I am not sleeping with any of them and when/if that comes to the table with any of them then I'd be moving toward exclusivity. I don't know why you have such negative views of multi-dating-- not all multi-daters are bad. I have always been in monogamous relationships, many long term.
RedRobin Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 (edited) I don't know why you have such negative views of multi-dating-- not all multi-daters are bad. I have always been in monogamous relationships, many long term. Because every multi-dater I've ever personally crossed paths with were liars and commitment-phobes who were into casual 'relationships'. I'd say the people who have the best record for being monogamous 'long term' were never multi-daters. oh, and define 'long-term'... and define 'many'. Cause that is my point exactly. For those of us not looking for constant churn, we aren't interested in the 'many'. K? Again... don't know why you don't just keep it 'casual' from now till the end of time. Be open with the other men about whom you are seeing and let them decide if they want to be in 'competition'. You might be surprised. Not everyone is a multi-dater. Some of us never even heard of it until relatively recently... gotta thank OLD for that piece of nastiness. Edited June 19, 2012 by RedRobin
Pierre Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 I do understand what you're saying-- however, for all I know they're doing the same thing I am. Also, for the record I am not sleeping with any of them and when/if that comes to the table with any of them then I'd be moving toward exclusivity. I don't know why you have such negative views of multi-dating-- not all multi-daters are bad. I have always been in monogamous relationships, many long term. Obviously multi dating is doing a number on you. Why are you calling yourself "confused"? It seems you do not know how to deceive very well. This is a requirement for multi daters. 1
ThaWholigan Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 She hasn't slept with any of them. Surely that is a more acceptable way to multi-date? I don't understand the problem?
RedRobin Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 She hasn't slept with any of them. Riiiiiight. Define 'sleeping' with someone. We've gone down this path before... I have a very hard time believing she is keeping four men dangling just based on her fabulous personality... if my last three 'dates' were any indication. They are trying to sex you up from date 1. uh huh.
Sanman Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 It depends on your own rules and with what you feel comfortable. I generally did not feel comfortable with sleeping with more than one person at a time or wasting another person's time. So, I would not take multi-dating past the third or fourth date and I did not sleep with anyone unless I was wiling to stop seeing others immediately. You can multi-date with morals, but you need to figure out what you are comfortable with.
Pierre Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 She hasn't slept with any of them. Surely that is a more acceptable way to multi-date? I don't understand the problem? It is much more than sex. Multi-dating is about romantically engaging several people at once. Some of these folks do not know they are dealing with a person that is doing this. I have no desire to date a woman that is juggling several men at once. This is info I would need upfront. before I date a woman.
Author c0nfused88 Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 Because every multi-dater I've ever personally crossed paths with were liars and commitment-phobes who were into casual 'relationships'. I'd say the people who have the best record for being monogamous 'long term' were never multi-daters. oh, and define 'long-term'... and define 'many'. Cause that is my point exactly. For those of us not looking for constant churn, we aren't interested in the 'many'. K? Again... don't know why you don't just keep it 'casual' from now till the end of time. Be open with the other men about whom you are seeing and let them decide if they want to be in 'competition'. You might be surprised. Not everyone is a multi-dater. Some of us never even heard of it until relatively recently... gotta thank OLD for that piece of nastiness. Wow, no need to personally attack me or make broad judgments. I am relatively young still and long term for me was a 5 year relationship and prior to that I had a 1.5-2 year relationship. I do enjoy monogamy and being a one guy woman-- but I'd rather be sure of someone before I jump right into that. Perhaps I would not be as bitter as you seem then. 2
fishtaco Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 c0nfused88, don't worry, you're doing fine. I think your concern is with "making the right choice", and not if you should be multidating or not. You don't need to justify yourself to anyone on LS. In fact, even if you were sleeping with all four of them, and are having ONS on the side (we know you're not), as long as you stay safe, who's to say you can't do it? As long as you know what you're doing, and you're happy with where you are/where you are going, you DO NOT need to justify your actions to ANYONE, PERIOD. If you've been on LS for awhile, you'll notice certain people are very vocal about anti-multidating, while most of the non-multidaters would just pop in and say "that's not for me" and be done. So take everything, including what I say, with a grain of salt. Basically all those "multidaters can't be trusted", "multidaters can't get get to know a person", "multidaters are just predators"...etc, does it line up with what you've experienced in real life? It's certainly not the case for me when I multidate. So use your own judgement. Stick to what works for you. A lot of the non-multidaters say they can't do it, it doesn't work for them. Hey, absolutely fine, then don't multidate. We all have to find what works for us, and it differs because we are different individuals in different dating environments with different dating goals and different dating preferences. 1
Author c0nfused88 Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 Riiiiiight. Define 'sleeping' with someone. We've gone down this path before... I have a very hard time believing she is keeping four men dangling just based on her fabulous personality... if my last three 'dates' were any indication. They are trying to sex you up from date 1. uh huh. Sure there are many definitions of sex-- some don't consider oral sex to be sex... while others consider any form of touching sex. I am not hear to argue definitions or logistics with you. I would not say I am keeping four men dangling-- they are certainly at different stages in getting to know me. I am not the type of person to just agree to be in a relationship with anyone, I take relationships seriously. I understand you statement about sex on the first date-- I have dated guys like that recently and if that sort of forward behavior continued I cut it off. I do make it clear I am not looking for casual sex or any sort of hookup situation. I am sure you will attack me for what I am about to say. In no way am I trying to be arrogant in this statement, but I am an independent and confident woman and I know what I want. Men seem to like this attitude and are more willing to be patient with me. I know what is coming next... soooo OP if you know what you want then why can't you decide and why are you "dangling" along men? Again, it is relatively early in seeing a few of them and one of them is out of town for another 6 weeks or so. Again, I would like to reiterate that I do not just jump into a relationship. I want to go in with a clear mind and know what I am getting into.
Author c0nfused88 Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 It depends on your own rules and with what you feel comfortable. I generally did not feel comfortable with sleeping with more than one person at a time or wasting another person's time. So, I would not take multi-dating past the third or fourth date and I did not sleep with anyone unless I was wiling to stop seeing others immediately. You can multi-date with morals, but you need to figure out what you are comfortable with. I completely agree with this. I will not have sex with any of them until I make up my mind or am willing to commit to exclusivity with just one of them.
Author c0nfused88 Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 It is much more than sex. Multi-dating is about romantically engaging several people at once. Some of these folks do not know they are dealing with a person that is doing this. I have no desire to date a woman that is juggling several men at once. This is info I would need upfront. before I date a woman. I know this may sound weird.. but I don't really have the desire to date a man dating other women. Call me hypocritical-- but just being honest. That being said, if any of these guys upfront asked me if I was seeing anyone else I would be honest. If they expressed that they are keen on only seeing one person at a time and didn't want to be one of many then if I was interested I would stop seeing others. I realize that men get scared away when women want exclusivity too soon or get "clingy". If it is brought up that he desires this and if I was interested as well I would see him exclusively.
fishtaco Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 I know this may sound weird.. but I don't really have the desire to date a man dating other women. Call me hypocritical-- but just being honest. Actually... that would be a problem. You can't multidate but expect the men to not multidate. I don't care if you're multidater or not, if you are allowed to do something, the people you're dating also should be allowed the same. Even the likes of Pierre and RedRobin, who actively insult multidaters, as long as they don't multidate themselves and hold themselves at the same high standard as they hold others, then even though I'd wish they could scale back with the offensive language a bit, I still have to give them the respect that they are not hypocrites. So try to stick to this... even if you don't like it, you have to let them multidate, as long as you are multidating. Or alternately, don't multidate, then problem solved. And as a bonus, Pierre and RedRobin will like you too. 2
Author c0nfused88 Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 Actually... that would be a problem. You can't multidate but expect the men to not multidate. I don't care if you're multidater or not, if you are allowed to do something, the people you're dating also should be allowed the same. Even the likes of Pierre and RedRobin, who actively insult multidaters, as long as they don't multidate themselves and hold themselves at the same high standard as they hold others, then even though I'd wish they could scale back with the offensive language a bit, I still have to give them the respect that they are not hypocrites. So try to stick to this... even if you don't like it, you have to let them multidate, as long as you are multidating. Or alternately, don't multidate, then problem solved. And as a bonus, Pierre and RedRobin will like you too. I'm not saying they can't multi-date or that they shouldn't. I want them to be just as sure about me as I am about them if/when we become exclusive. I'd prefer if they were that interested in me that they would inquire if I was multidating or specifically ask where this is going/for exclusivity. If they don't ask, then why wouldn't I keep my options open?
fishtaco Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 I'm not saying they can't multi-date or that they shouldn't. I want them to be just as sure about me as I am about them if/when we become exclusive. I'd prefer if they were that interested in me that they would inquire if I was multidating or specifically ask where this is going/for exclusivity. If they don't ask, then why wouldn't I keep my options open? Oh in that case then yes, your understanding of multidating is spot on. - Before the exclusive talk, it's don't ask don't tell. You assume everyone to be multidating, but you don't ask about it. - If you're ready for exclusivity talk, then do it. That's the only time you can talk about their multidating status. - If you are in agreement, then both of you should start letting all the others go. It may or may not happen immediately, but both of you should be working toward that goal. - Then once REAL exclusivity is reached, i.e. sever romantic ties with all others, then you are in an exclusive and committed relationship. Congratulations, but the real work starts. Because being in a relationship isn't easy. It takes effort. But of course, like you said, unless you are SURE you want to commit, don't. Being single, even if you're not dating anyone, is way better than being in a relationship with someone you are not compatible with.
RedRobin Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 Wow, no need to personally attack me or make broad judgments. I am relatively young still and long term for me was a 5 year relationship and prior to that I had a 1.5-2 year relationship. I do enjoy monogamy and being a one guy woman-- but I'd rather be sure of someone before I jump right into that. Perhaps I would not be as bitter as you seem then. Yes, people who multi-date don't seem to have much of a conscience or care how they affect other people. It's all about you and your needs. Pardon me if I sound 'bitter', in your words. I'm trying to get used to this new paradigm of 'dating' where people routinely lie to each other and call that getting to know each other. *shrug* I'd advise you to share your preferred style with other people if you care to go beyond a few dates with them. If not, then you are just another multi-dating liar in my book... hedging your bets so you don't have to be 'alone' or take any risks yourself.
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