Just venting...it's been a month and I give up

[wtfjh?]

Wow. I had this same experience, folks.

 

I will post my story later, but just wanted to say that it is so much like yours.

 

My relationship (with a man I absolutely loved and wanted to love forever) ended on the 4th of July. I took time off work and drove to see him 6 hours away. days before he was telling me I was the love of his life, that he couldn;t live without me, that he couldn't wait to start our future together, etc.

 

We were together for a year, although he traveled alot and lived in a town 30 minutes away (which created some issues). We traveled 2 months in another country together. Anyhow, I got there (the place where he is working a summer, seasonal job) and immediately noticed he was drunk. He had also picked up chewing tobacco and was spitting out my window. It was raining and we had nowhere to go (all hotels booked). I just wanted to be close to him so badly (hadn't seen each other in a month and our communication had been limited since he was on a boat). We were planning on moving to paradise together once he returned from him job. I have been preparing for it since he left.

 

He immediately brings up that once he returns to town he won't be living with me, but getting his own place. This really hits me hard because we were supposed to be moving together...why would he rent his own place? Things got crazy from there (although we weren't yelling or really even fighting). A girl walks in that he knows and he says, "Oh s***!" and insists that we have to run out the back door. he excuse was that he didn't want this friend to see him sad and upset (hmmm...). He then left me at my car and went back to his boat. I had nowhere to go, it was raining, my car window had been busted out, no way to call...no where to call. I was devastated on every possible level.

 

Long, pathetic story short, I run into the next day and he breaks up with me. He says I have no faith in him and that insults him. He also says that living together is like marriage and he is not ready for that, although he has tried to commit to me 100% (what???) and intended to start a life with me. He left me standing there again to go back to his boat. I said some mean things before he walked away (I hate you, etc.) So, I was feeling terrible...and in shock. I left him some letters begging him to reconsider...apologizing for the mean things I said.

 

he sent me a letter, basically repeating the things he had said. I have not heard from him since.

 

I went through a couple weeks of being unable to sleep or eat or basically function at all. I think he cheated and had someone on the side and I realize he never really loved me or had any intention of starting a life with me. I feel so ignored now. It really stinks. I welcomed a call from him, but have gotten nothing. I don't understand. I am moving away....far away. That should help. I just wish I could understand.

 

Well, sorry to ramble on, on your thread...just was surprised at how alike our stories are.

 

Take care, God bless all of you.

[Starting Over]

wtfjh?....

 

I can't believe that story! I'm amazed at how we treat each other sometimes. That guy is clearly not the one for you and has SERIOUS problems...especially, he seems to be completely self-absorbed, and he's behaving like a coward. Sounds like he moved into things way too quickly and didn't really know what he wanted. My ex bf said that guys aren't like girls...girls envision their wedding dress the minute they meet a guy that they think it could work out with. And I think we usually mean it.

 

My ex, as you've read, said all the "forever" comments. He even said that if I died, he wasn't sure he could ever date anyone else. A bit dramatic...but I guess its easy to be dramatic when you don't mean what you say. Well, my friends all say that he probably really did mean it at the time, but he changed his mind for reasons that have nothing to do with me. I'm now giving him the benefit of the doubt on that...but it hurts like hell still.

 

I'm glad that someone wrote that the first year is the worst. I have something to look forward to....feeling better. We all do. Some days are great...others, like the days when just normal loneliness creeps in, are hard. This past week I've been missing him and it makes me not even feel like eating. I smoke and eat sugar. Today I forced myself to eat regular food and drink some water, and I really felt better. I'm trying to care of myself during this time like a mother would take care of a child...force myself to eat well, get up off of the couch, be gentle with myself. I get angry when I realize I'm not over him yet.

 

But have you heard that song by Amy Grant? "It takes a little time sometimes, to turn the Titanic around....to get your feet back on the ground....it takes a little time sometimes...and you're not going down...you've got things to think of now....." Then it goes on to say, "Rome wasn't built in a day"...as cliche as that sounds, I appreciate the song. I expect that I can sit down shed a few tears and just be over him. I expect to wake up in the morning and feel good because I "shouldn't" be missing him. There is no "shouldn't". I just do. And I will.

 

And I'm confident that in a few more months I'll look back and be able to see everything a little clearer. For all the progress I've made in healing, it still gets hard sometimes.

 

I hope you are all doing well...have a blessed weekend.

 

Sicnerely,

 

SO

[wtfjh?]

Well...

 

There had come this point where I believed it really was "over" and I sent him a letter that said all the things I never had the guts to (basically telling him MY SIDE of our relationship...explaining the hurt he caused- specifically). He called immediately. He started by saying that my letter was a real eye-opener and that it had brought him down a couple notches. He apologized for being selfish and mean. Said he was horribly ashamed for leaving me in that parking lot. So, we talked for a couple hours. He said he figured he would find me in the town I am moving to and get me back. Said he was still in love with me and missed me badly. So, of course I am thinking he is coming home...we are reconciling.

 

I ask him "what now, what do you want to do?"- Silence. He totally changed in that instant. His voice got so low I couldn't hear him. I asked him if he still wanted it to be over. Silence. I told him his hesitation was heart-wrenching. More silence. I pushed him for an answer...told him I would just go away if he wanted me to. He says, "we've hurt each other too much" (WTF? No, YOU hurt ME)...I asked for a simple yes or no answer. He replies, "I wish you well". I again ask for yes or no. He says yes and I hang up. I couldn't sleep all night and figured this would send me back to the no eat, no sleep, can't see a future w/any chance of happiness stage I had just started to come out of. It didn't. I wrote him the next day telling him he should look into commitmentphobia. Told him I forgive him, love him, and will always be his friend. Told him if he thinks there is someone better out there for him that he has my blessing to go find them. Told him I intend to do the same, though I am regretful that it won't be him. Told him to take care.

 

I have been alright. Excited about my trip. Yet, I am afraid that I am not sad because I have some hope/belief that he will come find me and be ready to commit. If he had told me he wasn't in love anymore and had not mentioned the possibility of finding me where i am going, I don't think I would have this pathetic, unhealthy hope in my heart and mind!!!

 

So confused.

[smile95]

I just wanted to say thank you to all. I real all these posts and fainally realize that I am not alone and I am not the only one who hurts and struggles everyday. I am not the only one who is in love with someone who treats me bad and ignores me. I really feel stronger after reading all of this. I take everyones advice and really think about it. We all deserve to be happy. I am starting the no contact thing over again, since i messed it up today. I am at a really low point right now and I really appreciate all of the help you all have given me.

[Curt]

The best thing that anyone can do in their lives when they do not get the kind of affection/appreciation/whatever from a person they care for, is to move on.

 

Plenty of fish in the sea folks.

 

Curt

[RowanRavyn]

I just wanted to say that this is probably one of the most heart warming threads I have happened upon here.

 

I remember being just where you are, but I don't want to offer false hope, but I want to offer hope that when something is RIGHT and intended by God, he will work in-spite of us.

 

My fiance and I broke up July was three years ago. It was difficult because my kids were really attached to him, I just KNEW he was THE ONE, and his family and I were close. We were forced to be around each other because his family adopted my children and myself when we moved here so long ago.

 

I developed the ability to be in the same room with him, but not there at all. We both dated other people, did a lot of growing up, and one day when I called his mom to help me get to a doctors appointment after surgery he was the only one home. I set clear boundaries. I will pay you for gas, I will buy you lunch. We started a very tentative friendship. He got a job at my children's day-care to get to know them better. Our friendship grew, and we will be getting married October 30th.

 

I cried a lot, ate a lot of ice cream and alternately prayed to God and yelled at him. I healed though. I became a whole person all on my own. I had a lot of healing to do (From the past. I had left a DV relationship). I found myself, and became a complete person. When I did that I looked up and there he was.

 

Bright blessings to you all.

 

Cowan

[Starting Over]

Rowan,

 

Thanks for your post. And WTFJH? (I think I'm just realizing what your name stands for lol) , I'm so sorry. I don't understand why guys like to leave us hanging on like they do. I can only think it's because they are sincerely confused themselves. I can't imagine he's intending to cause you pain, but he is. I agree with Curt. Let him go. And don't look around every corner for himwhen you move. I really liked what Rowan had to say...move on, be whole and complete on your own and who knows.

 

I'm having such trouble with that.

 

When Tom & I broke up, I started smoking to cope. I know, great idea??!! Not sure what I was thinking...guess I wasn't really. So now, I'm trying to quit....and I think about him more. Today I just sat at my computer and had this flashback...remembering him calling me at work nearly everyday and how excited and happy I was to hear from him..thinking, I'm going to marry this wonderful man someday. And now, he is truly gone.

 

I met someone else on Saturday. But it's hard to think about dating again. I went out, met several guys and this one just stood out from the rest. We have a lot in common. But the thought of dating someone else....Well I just feel like I never want to ever let anyone do to me what Tom did. I know it might not be true...but I FEEL so used and tossed away like I never mattered to him. The awful truth, that I'm really ashamed to say, is that when I went out on Saturday I just wanted to use someone else. I danced with guys -- guys I never intended to speak to again. And that's all I wanted to do. Maybe it was a blessing that I met this other guy that I genuinely was interested in. Maybe nothing will come of it, but maybe it was good because it didn't leave me feeling as heartless as I had at the beginning of the evening.

 

I just don't want to "lose" myself in another person again. I always give myself up for men-- compromise myself. And I know I'm doing it, but I don't change ...I consider it a necessary investment, but really it's not...I shouldn't have to compromise like that...and ultimately, I don't think the other person finds it very attractive.

 

I like what you said, Rowan, about becoming a whole person on your own. I am desperately trying that right now. I'm just not sure I have the tools to do it. I've always been a bit "co-dependent". I've even thought about going to a "Sex Addicts" meeting, because I think I'm a bit addicted to relationships...they ease the pain in my life so much that I'm willing to do almost anything to get them....spend money I don't have, compromise my beliefs, rearrange my schedule, let down my friends and family, give up my career aspirations. That's just like a classic addict.

 

At the same time, I know I genuinely loved Tom. I told this new guy that I just got out of a relationship, and I honestly don't know if I'm ready to date. I think we each really "took" to each other. So he might be interested in dating me....does anyone have any advice? Stop dating for awhile?? Just see him as a friend?? Run off and join a convent??

 

Thanks,

S.O.

[wtfjh?]

I did that, too, Startingover. I compromised everything. My family, friends, I had started a new non-profit that I was passionate about (threw that away without a second thought), even started compromising some of my most cherished values and opinions. He gave up nothing, compromised nothing. He was just a broke-ass ski bum with nothing to offer and nothing to lose.

 

I need to find myself again. When I met him, I was so full of life. I knew who I was and what I wanted and I felt so very blessed. I still feel blessed, but I don't know how to get back to where I was. I loved who I was, I loved myself (not in some vain way, but I loved my life and felt good about who I was and what my life was). I threw that away so quickly for what I thought was true love. One year later, I feel like a loser. I mean, you have no idea how different my life is now. I am moving far away to a place that is supposed to be really cool. I am excited about it, as it is an opportunity to start anew. I just wish he hadn't put it in my head that he might go there to get me back. Sheesh.

[LexiB]

We will all get thru this horrific stage in our lives. I am certain of that if not much else. My ex broke up with me abt 2 months ago and we are just now attempting to regain at least a portion of the great friendship we had before we started dating. It was my idea--I'm the one who initiated the conversation with him about not losing out on that aspect of our relationship, you know, try to salvage something (you should know that he was the one who pursued me to be his gf, and I ONLY relented after he swore to me that despite what became of our romantic life, nothing would anihilate(sp?) our friendship--he was my best friend for so long before anything else, so i trusted him).

 

Anyway, he realized hes been acting like a butthole these past months, (only to a degree though, no matter what i say to him, he just doesnt seem to get how hellish this experience has been for me--everything you guys have mentioned, from expecting phone calls that never come, sending text messages that are never or rarely answered, reliving broken promises and plans for the summer we made that will not happen and worst of all, him seeming to breeze through this mess as if we never meant anything to eachother, etc; Ive felt it all. And how I've cried!!! Bitter, angry, frustrated, confused, remorseful, heartbroken tears--and I HATE crying).

 

After our talk he said that for a start, he'd commit to calling me at least once a week for a real conversation like we used to have, not just "hi/bye"and that I could call him too whenever and we'll see how things progress from there. Its the first week and so far he's kept up his part of the bargain. He called friday but I missed it, then he made 2 follow-ups last night--he even left a long, funny message. I havent responded yet and am wondering if I should. Now is the first time I feel as if I have some control over things here--like the tables are (ever-so slightly) reversed. But I'm not a game player and do not want to be, it gets so confusing, but playin it straight seems to hurt so much more, you know?

 

I know I initiated it, but going for the friendship could be setting myself up for a lot more heartache if he stops following up on it. But then again, not trying is eliminating all possibilities...SIGH. Any takers???? What to do, what to do? lol

[KaiaMahina]

LexiB, my take is that you've done all you can do. If he starts falling behind, allow him to do so until he's just a dot in your rear view mirror which you can no longer take the time to look at because there's so many more interesting things to see through the windshield.

 

You had to initiate contact with someone who broke up with you. You are the one who had to remind him of your friendship. You are the one who had to take action to make him "realize" what an ass he's been. That's more than I would ever do.

 

If a man dumps me, he knows my phone number and my email address. If he want to apologize (first step without which no further contact is possible), converse, renew friendship, or more, he will do it on his own or not at all. If I have to prod a man into any kind of relationship with me, it's not worth it. I think that's why you're already looking down the road at him weaseling out again. Everything he's done so far has been at your instigation. And that's not much of a "friendship."

 

But only you know what your heart is prepared to endure. And only you know what he's capable of.

 

Best wishes

KH

[LexiB]

Thanx for the advice. But I have to say, when I went to talk to him, I didnt beg or whine in the slightest, I basically said that if he wants to be "friends" (which he had previously been making feeble attemps at thru random and insignificant phone calls, for example.: "Wussup...so, I walked my dog today...yeah...ok, nice talking to you, bye"), that he would have to start acting like it or stop wasting my time. Thats when he apologised and blah, blah, blah.

 

Is that still considered "prodding" though...?

 

Anyway, he called again last nite, but I ignored it again...fear of losing control like I said in the other post. I feel bad, like Im being mean...basically behaving the same way he was b4.

 

I kinda dont want to take the chance, but I genuinely want our friendship-- thats so much more impt. to me than the relationship. I guess I'll finally call him back tonite and see how things progress; The first sign of jerkiness from him and Im done.

 

Oh, boy...Ill stay posted (

[Starting Over]

Kaia and all,

 

Wow...that's a good point. Sometimes I think that it should all be like it used to...totally socially unacceptable for a girl to call a guy. I know it sounds a bit old-fashioned, but at least then the "rules" where clear. The guy I met on Saturday asked me for his phone number...then he grabbed a piece of paper and wrote down every number that I could call him at.... Then I gave him mine and said jokingly..."You know, you're the boy, so you're gonna have to call me first". Only I wasn't joking.

 

I wish that when Tom and I had broken up I had just let him go. He might have eventually come back. But instead I tried to fix everything. I sent emails that were unsolicited. Heck, I just sent one last week!! (momentary relapse).

 

But it's so in his court. Unless he has suffered a serious brain injury, he knows that I love him and that I was willing to invest in the relationship, including reconciliation if he asked for it. I would try. I think he knows that. And if he doesn't, he just has to ask me. Like you said, Kaia, they have our phone numbers and email addresses.

 

It's just SO hard to let go and not try to fix things!!! I think half of the threads on this website are from folks struggling over no contact. How do you let someone go that you don't want to leave? This new guy has reminded me so much of Tom....I just said to myself today....I can't believe he broke up with me...I can't believe it's not him that I'm hoping for a phone call from, but some other guy I hardly know. That breaks my heart.

 

I've decided to just be honest with new guy about my broken heart....that I'm not sure I'm ready to date again. And I'm going to get to know him very slowly!! I hope:)

 

S.O.

[SMF]

S.O- How have you been doing? I have been reading your posts and actually your story is quite similar to mine.

 

I haven't connected with my ex in 2 weeks - we broke up one month ago. He got cold feet basically. There wasn't an argument or anything that occurred that I knew of- he just basically snapped and decided he didn't want to be in a serious relationship anymore (i am 26/he is 29). Although he spoke friviously about engagement, weddings, rings, living together, etc.. Guess he basically woke up one day and said- I don't want this. Broke it off via phone while I was on a business trip and then refused to speak thereafter. If you look under coping "so devastated" you will see my thread.

 

I have been going out too and I am starting to feel more like myself.. its just tough. I pray a lot too.

 

I have that burning urge, to change, fix, persude, coerce, make better- magic- I think I have. Unfortunately, I can't change anything and the real question is why do i want someone that doesn't want me.

[unclejo23]

My ex-fiance did what your ex did... just decided it didn't feel "right"...

 

 

I'm doing sooo much better now, thanks to friends, family, this site, and some good ole quiet time to myself! She's coming over tonight to get the rest of her stuff out of the house(no, I won't be there!). We've abided by the NC rule thus far... well as best we could cause we still had accounts/personal property to work out... and I can say it certainly helped me!

 

Unfortunately, I can't change anything and the real question is why do i want someone that doesn't want me. ...SMF

 

Just hang in there... it gets better I promise!

[wtfjh?]

LexiB- where is your "story" posted? Just interested in, more specifically, what happened. Ha- it always makes me shiver when I read certain posts...makes me wonder for a split second... is it the same guy!!??

[LexiB]

Lol, wtfjh. I felt the same since I first this thread--Good luck with the new guy by the way S.O.!!

 

So why do the objects of all our misery sound alike? Simple:

 

because they were all fathered by SATAN!!!!!

 

Unfortunately, every guy we meet is gonna have it in him to make us feel this crappy. We just have to find the ones that also have the sensitivity and intelligence not to do so--esp. to hot, sassy chicks like us!

 

I havent posted my tale of woe but it doesnt differ much from the stupidity of most scenarios when the male is the dumper--he admitted he still has feelings for me but just "needs space." Honestly, Id rather have him tell me he hates my guts than use the "space" line, like im keeping him in a closet or something, give me a break.

 

But if I ask what the heck is the matter with him, I gotta ask the same of myself b/c I still want him...

 

Does anyone have any POSITIVE news, lol??

[KaiaMahina]

Here, LexiB. I may have some positive news for you.

 

I'm reading this book entitled "There Are No Accidents" which deals with the concept of synchronicity. Synchronicity is a "meaningful coincidence" which usually happens to you in some transition period in your life.

 

For instance, before I met my ex I began to experience dragonflies. I went to the ocean because I was lonely and felt as though I wanted to "speak" to something greater than myself. I was wondering (as I had been wondering for the previous 18 months, when I would find someone to love). A big dragonfly flew up and kept hanging around. As I was brought up to look for guidance or advice from the non-physical world, I look for signs to show me what to do.

 

After that, I was inundated with dragonflies. Some real, some inanimate -- pictures, pieces of jewelry, etc. I felt there was some significance, but thought, "well, this is just a popular motif, that's why I see it so often." Until a co-worker asked me to meet her for a work out walk after hours. I didn't want to, I wanted to go home and mope. But I have a hard time saying no, and she's persistent, so I went.

 

We walked down to a point on the ocean and into the biggest cloud of dragonflies I've ever seen. Actually, I've never seen a cloud of dragonflies! We both stood there, stupified. There were literally hundreds of them, and so big some of them were the size of hummingbirds! I thought, "oh, this must be some sort of breeding ground, and the right time of year and this must happen all the time." I asked my co-worker, who's lived in this area all her life if that what it was. She said, "No! I've never seen anything like this in my life!"

 

I felt like something was saying, "No, idiot! This is not a popular motif, this is a message! If I have to send one thousand of these critters to land on your thick head, I'll do it!" So I did some research into what the dragonfly means in various cultures. The basic thread was that it symbolizes transformation and change because the dragonfly lives first as a little bug in the water, but then grows wings and rises into the air.

 

After that, I started to keep track of when I saw them. I told a friend of mine, "Something is going to happen, or someone is coming into my life, and things will change." Then, out of nowhere, I met my ex. And it was transformative -- I went from being lonely to being loved, and when he wanted to get married, what greater transition or transformation is there than uniting with another person and starting a new life? The funny thing was, the first time I visited him in his mother's house, I walked into the room and looked at the television set in the corner. On top of the set was a vase decorated with...you guessed it...dragonflies! After that, the dragonflies ceased to appear.

 

Now you're asking, "What's so great about this?! The dude dumped you!" I know, I know! No happy ending. But obviously, somehow, this relationship was meant to happen. I got that confirmation when I saw his mother's vase. I can only hope or believe that something good will come from it somehow, either for me or for him. And the fact that I feel that "something" communicated this to me gives me hope that my lousy situation right now isn't a random and cruel happening, but part of a story that is being written toward a purpose.

[djones]

Hi KaiaMahina,

 

I am interested in your dragonfly message...I dont know too much about your story...SO you are your BF are not together right now? It just so wierd with all the "coincidences" with dragonflies...I wonder if we all have thoses little messages from God and we are just to dumb to pick them up....I hope yours turns out good for you....I wonder all the the time when will we all find the "one" and if we had the "one" (ie our ex) will we get them back or just is it a lost chance....say both are doing the no contact thing...how would they meet up again if it was meant to be? or how do you find your true soul mate....I dont know if God will send us all "dragonflies" but I wish he did for all of us on the forum...After being here for about 2 months and reading most of everyones problems, I think we are all due for someone good in our lives....

[drinana]

Hey everybody..

 

Wow usually when I find a thread I skim through reading people stories, gathering advice, etc.. This thread was different I got so caught up in reading each and every one of your posts.. I am at a similar point as many of you.. My ex (9 1/2 yrs. engaged in Feb) and I broke up at the end of July.. He pretty much did the whole "cold feet" thing.. He said that he he thought that we were too different now (we have been doing LD for 3 years) that we wanted different things, that I deserve someone who will love me the right way, etc..

Anyways, I have experienced all the ups and downs that all of you have had.. The stomach ache's, the feeling of helplessness, anger, fear, relief, sadness, etc... Each one with a varying level of intensity..

 

My ex and I have had no contact up until yesterday.. He e-mail me saying I love you - I miss you.. i'm sorry.. but then all of the sudden giving all these reasons as to why things happened.. (that i had never wanted to be involved in church like him, that I had only wanted to party, etc).. all of which I can honestly say are not true.. I am angry because I feel that he is trying to justify his actions and/or clear his conscience at my expense.. does that make sense??? Why would he do that?? I guess it's his way of getting closure since I didn't give him a chance during our last conversation (I told him why I couldn't be with HIM anymore during the whole phone call).. But this is no way for him to do that.. Ugh.. this is so painful.. But oh well what can I do, let myself continue to suffer? No way.. I'd rather suffer on my own than with him..

 

S.O. like you I have asked God to either bring him back or help me heal.. At this point I don't even know why I would even consider taking him back.. oh yeah.. i guess it's that thing called love.. :-)

 

I agree with you all that the first year is going to be hard.. But we can make it.. No one ever died of a broken heart.. We need to move on, depend only on ourselves for a change, become strong, and hopefully while we're in the process of accomplishing all of this - thoughts of our ex's will fade away..

 

Before I end this I want to leave all of you with 2 little quotes.. Hope these help you in some way..

 

"Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love but rather, makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person, how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along."

 

-

 

""And the day came when the risk it took to remain tightly closed in a bud was more painful that the risk it took to bloom" - Anais Nin

 

Wishing you all the best... I know this is hard.. But we WILL be ok..

 

Take care..

[KaiaMahina]

Hi, DrJones and all...

 

In answer to your question about my situation, Dr, my ex bf and I separated (rather, he separated from me) two months ago when he telephoned me at work and told me that he "couldn't do this" because of his family issues (he's attempting to win his mother's love at age 50) and because he didn't want "a second divorce." This is the week following shopping for engagement rings, and after 10 months of his hot pursuit, beginning with love at first sight (on his part), request for exclusivity after a month, and marriage proposal(s) weekly until I said yes. You know that old saying about if it seems too good to be true...?

 

As far as being sent "dragonflies" ... well, I've been given signs most of my life. I was led to a new place to live where I knew no one, had no family and no job, but found a beautiful apartment and a job I've had for 5 years now by following the signs. Every so-called rational, logical decision I've ever made intellectually has been wrong when it doesn't jibe with my gut or with signs, and I've regretted them bitterly.

 

I think signs are sent to you if you're open to them, or if you ask. They may not be the signs you want to see. People talk about "red flags" that they now see in retrospect. They see them intellectually now, but they ignored them when they were only fluttery feelings in their stomach. They would, in fact, use their intellect to banish these red flags. Instead, they should have had faith in them and acted on them.

 

The dragonflies were a sign something was coming. Something which would change my life. They weren't a sign that this man was "the one" or that it was meant to be. I did, in fact, have feelings that there was something wrong about 3 months in. I told him that he had family issues, serious ones, and that perhaps this wasn't the time for a relationship, but a time for dealing with those issues and to be with his family. He pursued me even more vigorously, saying that he barely got along with his family and that they only tolerate his presence. I acted on my gut feeling, but he persuaded me differently. In the end, it was the family issues and his fear of being hurt and divorced again (an idea that I believe his mother played on) that caused him to leave me.

 

At this point, I'm getting ambiguous signs that I'm unable to read. For instance...ex was a paratrooper in the military. I was running in a cemetery (where it's quiet and you have less chance of being the victim of a hit-and-run) and found a little red parachute, the kind kids use with action figures.

 

And a week ago I was in traffic behind a car with license plates from his state. When I checked the dealer info around the plate, I was surprised to see the car was bought in the town he lives in...an obscure little place 250 miles from where I live.

 

I went into a Starbucks and they were playing BB King, which is one of his idols (he plays blues and jazz guitar). I never read the board behind the counter because I already know what I want, but for some reason I read a "staff recommendation" -- written and signed by a staff member with the same name as his ex wife (and it's not what you would call a common American name).

 

Yesterday I was driving home from work and passed a Borders bookstore. Nostalgia! Whenever I went to visit him, I invariably got lost in the suburban maze of streets and cul-de-sacs of his neighborhood. So I would always go to a certain shopping center and meet him at the Borders bookstore. I wanted to stop at my local Borders because of this longing feeling, but went home. That evening, I watched one of those forensic crime shows (I'm addicted!), but it was one that I usually dislike and usually turn off. For some reason I watched it even though the story being detailed wasn't interesting. The crime took place in another part of the state my ex lives in.

 

A detective came on and began to talk about another crime the same suspect committed and they showed his mug shot from that previous crime. The mug shot includes the name of police station where it was taken: in the town in which my ex's brother is a cop (another obscure little town). Further, it went on to tell where the crime happened: at the shopping center where I used to meet my ex at the Borders bookstore. Now...if I had had this huge nostalgic fit about the Borders bookstore and that shopping center days or weeks before, I would have thought less of it. But it had only happened hours earlier...and had affected me so much that I had almost turned into my local Borders just to reminisce! And I saw it all on a show that I usually turn off because I dislike it.

 

These things all began only 2 weeks after we broke up, beginning with me driving down my street and seeing a tiny puppy of the same breed as the dog my ex owns running up the street toward me. My ex used to send me emails with pics of puppies of this breed inserted into the letter. It was his "signature." Not a week goes by that I don't get some sort of reminder of him. What do all these things mean? Are they signs that I should contact him? Are they signs that he will contact me? Are they signs that he's thinking of me? I don't know. But they're becoming increasingly complex and weird, like the Borders thing. As though something is trying to get my attention. It's partly why I bought that book about synchronicity, to help me determine if these things mean anything or if I'm meant to do something.

 

You asked what if people are in no contact, then how is it meant to be? If something's meant to be, then I suppose that one or the other of them would be pushed into making contact. Or they would be brought together "accidentally" by a misdialed telephone call or another odd occurrence. Perhaps that's why odd things happen...something is doing its best to get people together and has to stretch to do it. Another theory is that nothing is meant to be, but is only an opportunity put in front of you and you must do what you will. Pass it up, ruin it, or make the most of it. I have no answer.

 

Maybe he's getting bombarded with subtle happenings as well. He's rather more intuitive than I...he could figure out what I was feeling without asking me. Which is why we were so emotionally intimate. Or am I the only one getting these messages because I've been given the task of mending what he's destroyed, even though I believe that I shouldn't have to? Dilemma! Even if I were to take on this task, it would still be his free will to decline.

 

As my mother (who taught me about signs) always said, "If you don't know what to do, don't do anything." Which is why I'm sitting tight right now to see whether the signs become stronger and more precise, or whether they fade. Take what you will from this situation...maybe I'm just a lunatic!

 

And drinana, that quote about the bud is absolutely perfect! I think that that's what these men have in common and what it will take for them to come back on their own...or for them to find happiness elsewhere. Like Eleanor Roosevelt said, something to the effect that you must do the thing that you fear the most.

 

Sorry for this long and disorganized post! Dr got me thinking out loud...

 

KH

[Starting Over]

Hey Everyone...

 

First of all, SMF, I'm going to go read your post as soon as I type this:)

 

This week has been hell. I wish I were sending out an encouraging message, but this is just the honest truth. When Tom...oh hell, his name is TJ...I don't know why I'm using fake names, it's not like he'd ever go online to explore his emotions!! Anyway, when TJ and I broke up I immediately engulfed myself in things that I wanted to do, but would also serve the purpose, I guess, of distracting me.

 

I decided I was long overdue to move out of my parents, where I had been staying for a couple years to save money. So I found a wonderful apartment. And then I signed up an art class, something that was also long overdue-- and that I have truly enjoyed. Well, now I'm settled in my apartment and my art class is ending, and I feel like I've come undone! Tuesday night I was in art class and just walked out after half an hour. I got in my car and cried. I drove toward TJ's house, just remembering...trying to remember the state of mind I was in when I would go see him. Oddly, the emotion "resentful" came to mind-- I guess I was beginnning to feel that way even before we broke up. Of course, so did the emotion happiness, love, excitement, anticipation, contentment, etc. So I cried and drove. And eventually drove away from his house, having at least some self-respect to not drive by-- although I might have if I had known for certain he wouldn't see me.

 

I got home and walked up to my apartment, with my sunglasses on at 7pm on a cloudy evening:) to hide the tears. (it's a wonder i didn't run into a wall or something! Lol). When I got to my apartment I just literally collapsed on the floor--not even knowing for sure what the hell was so upsetting. I just doubled over, feeling like I was in physical pain from all the sorrow. You know how when you get sick to your stomach, and everything comes out of you even though your body is totally fighting it? That's how I felt, like all this sorrow had just reached it's breaking point and just came pouring out. I think I was nearly hyperventilating. I eventually pulled a christian book off my shelf-- which oddly talked about how suffering and sorrow drag us, even against our will sometimes, into higher places where we find joy and peace. (it's a fiction book called 'hind's feet in high places). That one sentence gave me peace and I eventually chilled out.

 

I feel better today. But I'm scared because my defenses-- the newness of my apartment and my art classes -- are gone. And I'm back to my normal life and this broken heart that, unbeknownst to me, has been sitting here waiting for me all this time. I guess I'm just going to cope and get through this. And try to do it in a healthy way. I miss him so much.

 

S.O.

[djones]

KaiaMahina et al.

 

hehe sorry for making yo write a long reply, but boy I am glad you wrote it...I needed some sort of explanation on why the hell things are...I just found it real interesting who so many symbols keep show up in your life...Yeah i dont know if you should contact your ex, (in my heart I would want to if it was my ex) but I think b/c that broke up with me she should find me if we were meant to be....I like what your mom said:

 

As my mother (who taught me about signs) always said, "If you don't know what to do, don't do anything." Which is why I'm sitting tight right now to see whether the signs become stronger and more precise, or whether they fade. Take what you will from this situation...maybe I'm just a lunatic!

 

It seems like moms know best my mom says similar things like that....Right now I am trying to do nothing (about my ex) and if it was meant to be then something will push us back together...But thats what I wonder if that will happen or this is what supposed to happen in this relationship...

 

I wonder if that actually does happen, when something is meant to be God pushes two people together. I wonder though like you said say you meet and you have a relationship with someone and it does not work out...was that your only shot? .....I guess its like the baseball idea you 3 strikes and your out.....I wonder whats the limit God has on us...ie one shot and that it?

[wtfjh?]

Ah well...I guess I should share my experience with *signs*. I am the truest believer in signs, folks, but have come to believe that my true purpose in this life is to provide comedy for the Great One. Guess someone has to do it.

 

I'll start from one year ago. One year ago, I had left a very cushy job (temporarily), to start my own non-profit. In addition to that, a lady contacted me out of nowhere to turn over to me a similar non-profit that already had its own funding, etc. Everything was going perfectly. I had a corporate sponsor, a free attorney, a great deal of support, etc. I was ecstatic. Finally I had found a path upon which I could please myself, be successful (in my way), and please the lord/serve my fellow man and beast, etc. Having before hand been pre-occupied with the desire to find my "soulmate" and having nothing but crap experiences, I decided to send a long and well thought out prayer to God and the universe (hoping one or the other would have some time to spare to me). I explained my situation and my desire. I asked them to help me stay on my path and not be distracted by the wrong guys. I asked them to remove the obstacles between me and my soulmate and to bring us together. I described who I wanted this person to be (someone like me: works in social services, volunteers their time, cares about the world, vegetarian, wants to explore the world, yet is not too goody goody and can still have a good time, loves music and experiences, etc....I got very specific). I promised that I would be patient. I asked them to help me to recognize this person when they arrived. I told them I would end my search there and just let this person come into my life.

 

I went about doing my thing....with unbelievable success. In the meantime, my son was in a summer program and had a counselor (a cutie I had noticed, but wasn't really that attracted to, for the past couple summers). He always seemed so nice and shy...but would always make some excuse to talk to me or call. One day I went to pick up my son and he was there and looked up with this most amazing smile and light in his eyes. It was as if, suddenly, no one else existed and we were alone in the world. I tried not to make too much of this...just was a nice and interesting experience. Days later he called and asked us on a hike. During the hike, he discussed his work (as a therapist for young foster kids...DING DING- one requirement down). Then, told of his volunteer work for ...the same place I volunteer for...(oh my GOD). I had also asked God for someone who would accept and love my child...which he had told me my son was one of the reasons he remained in the program!!! We started dating. On our dates, he told of his overseas travel and all the places he still wanted to explore (WOO HOO...this can't be real!) Ended up we both loved the same music...our collections contained almost exactly the same music. We both loved the same beer and playing pool! And he dealt with my chaotic, dysfunctional family beautifully...even stayed there with us.

 

We were somewhat inseperable for some time. It just seemed too good to be true. I did start letting things slide..the business, my volunteer work, etc. We would spend hours upon hours just laying in each others arms in bed...and then the day would be gone. I didn't care...this was true love and it was worth everything, right? Soon after, he informed me he was going overseas for 3 months. This was devastating. I had told him I had always wanted to go to South America and now he was going there!!! I decided to join him, at the last minute. However, a few things had occurred at this point that were troubling: he broke plans with me one night at the last minute to hang out with some female friends of his, he would "flirt" with other girls on our dates, etc. If I indicated any discomfort with this, he would blow up, try to dump me, and then I would end up apologizing for insulting him and beg him to stay. Another female friend of his had told me she was surprised to see him in a relationship because he was such a ladies man. Also, he went to SA a month before me and sent me an email informing me he was staying the weekend with a female he had met on another travel adventure. This made me very uncomfortable. Skipping alot of details here, we are in Peru and, after I brought up the email and his interactions with a girl we kept running into, he blew up and abandoned me in a small town, in the middle of nowhere Peru. I had to make my way back with no spanish skills, no currency, etc. to the main town (took about 10 hours)...didn;t know what I was going to do, if I would ever see him again, etc.

 

As I made my way, crying and devastated/humiliated, I prayed to God. I asked him, if this was true love, please bring us back together somehow, if it is not and we are better off apart, please help us move on in peace and help me make my way to the other country safely. Voila! I immediately found him once I got back to town, we made up and moved on to have a wonderful trip.

 

He went home for holidays immediately after that and I went back to my home. It was another miserable month before I would see him again. But I prayed for patience and I prayed for help being the best girlfriend I could to him. We started talking about moving to "paradise", though I could never get him to be specific about it. It was perfect for both of us. Amazingly so. The signs were everywhere...started seeing license plates from this place (even though it was an island on the other side of the country), moved in next door to people who had just come from there, etc. Signs everywhere. I was so excited. So, I asked him how he pictured it being when we moved. He said, "I see us living separately. I mean, we both just happen to be going there at the same time, why should we move in together? Heck, if we end up on the same flight, great, but not necessary". Needless to say, I was devastated. We broke up after I sent him a letter explaining my feelings and suggesting that if we don't want the same things, we should move on. He broke up with me. I was in shock. Now, my whole life had fallen apart instantly.

 

We got back together and he just didn't seem into it. I broke up wiht him. I prayed now more than ever. I told God that I couldn;t see clearly, that I didn;t know what was best for us, that, if this is true love, please intervene, as I don't know what to do. if it was not, please help me move on in peace. I handed it all over to the universe. I went about planning the move on my own and left the relationship alone. Figured if there was any chance, he would have to be the one to come back to me. he called. Apologized, said he didn't want to lose me. Things were better than ever. He was doing everything right. Then he went away for his seasonal job. I prayed for patience. I didn't hear from him for a month (he had been writing, but the letters went to the wrong box). I went to visit him, after a couple weeks of very bizarre bad luck.

 

Hit a bird on the way. Once there, there were no hotels to rent. It was pouring rain. Locked my keys in my car. AAA broke my window getting them out. He informed me that my trip was a waste (even tjough he had begged me to take time off work to stay), as his boat was now leaving th next morning. Told me he wasn't staying with me when he returned from his job (which made it obvious that we were no longer moving to paradise). Everything went awful from there and he abandoned me again, in the rain with nowhere to go, in a town where I knew no one, in the middle of the night.

 

So? The most crushing part of this is that I prayed and had faith- and feel like God himself squashed me down when I needed him the most. Abandoned me completely. Ugh.

 

Wow...sorry, I realize this is horridly long!!! Felt good to put it out there, and, if anyone actually read this, I'd love some input.

 

He called recently and said he was still in love with me, missed me, and would get me back, and then within a few minutes, dumped me again.

 

I just dont understand...

 

 

Sorry for the long post guys

[djones]

wtfjh,

 

I read your post all theway through I was hoping that it would turn out good for you...I am sorry....Man you would think you prayed for the guy of our dreams, it comes but you then have heart break in the end...What the hell, now I am more confused to think well you pray to God and this is what you get...was it a reply to you saying this is what you want but its not right for you?....I mean you found what would be the perfect guy for you and it ends up going bad....

 

like you siad:

So? The most crushing part of this is that I prayed and had faith- and feel like God himself squashed me down when I needed him the most. Abandoned me completely. Ugh.

 

I feel the same way about my self you pray and you ask God for guidance and this what happens...I dont think it was too much for you to ask from him....ie its not like God i need a million dollars...you are just asking for happiness in you life and soul mate isnt that want God wants us to be...happy?

[KaiaMahina]

What can I say, wtfjh? I, too, have felt like the pathetic butt of cosmic jokes more times than I care to remember. I'm currently discussing with my therapist the possibility that there are indeed "jinxed" individuals and that perhaps I am one.

 

I've felt the same vague feeling of random victimization...almost as though the One Above is a sort of ignorant school-yard bully, sniffing out the most vulnerable and defenseless, and those naive enough to be seeking love and intimacy with a soulmate, and then clobbering the living sh** out of the stupid clod after first luring them into an alley with "the one" they've been seeking.

 

Yeah, I've prayed and asked, "What did I do wrong? Is there some way I can fix it so that this will stop happening to me? Was I a rotten person in a former lifetime? Did I hurt someone then so badly that I'm getting all this in return? Or has some spiritual entity, god, goddess, demon, disembodied human personality got it in for me? Is my apartment haunted? Is there something "bad" there which is determined to keep me isolated and miserable? Are these men I keep meeting who love me and leave me dysfunctional idiots or am I on a major sh** list?!"

 

I have consulted psychics. I have performed rituals to eliminate negative energy. I have prayed the rosary. I have sat in a church alone and prayed. I have done voodoo cleansing baths, love spells, uncrossing spells. I've studied creative visualization, the concept of "like attracts like", and making a specific list of who I'm looking for. And here I sit. Only months away from being married, and then dropped like a hot rock.

 

Does God/the Universe/Whatever want us to be happy? What is it's concept of happiness? Who can know what it wants? I've come to the conclusion that if it wants anything for us, it wants us to learn. And sometimes we learn the hard way. And if reincarnation and karma has any validity, then it could be that we are learning what it feels like to be badly hurt by someone. I read an interesting article by an astrologer on soulmates in which she said that, in effect, you may spend several lifetimes without that person. Or you may meet that person and have hurtful experiences with them. It's a learning process that you must go through sometimes over centuries before you can be together. It all depends on how rapidly you learn, and how willing you are to make amends. You can make yourself crazy trying to figure all this out.

 

But your experience wtfjh, is astoundingly awful. I can't help but ask...when you say that you were specific in what you were asking for, did you specify that you wanted a man who was faithful, interested in only you, reliable, rational, protective, etc., all the things that this man was not? Or did you assume that by asking for someone who cares about "others" and does volunteer work would naturally have these attributes? Because sometimes they don't. And sometimes these attributes are not in evidence in their personal relationships. I've read lots of books on asking for what you want, and some theories suggest that the "law of attraction" is a blind and rather mechanical law. It brings you exactly what you ask for. No more, and no less.

 

My ex was everything I asked for. I just forgot to ask that he doesn't have major family issues which will interfere with his relationship with me! It never entered my mind to think about what other people may be in a man's orbit, and how you may have to specify those things as well.

 

I don't know...just theories and speculation. But it also occurs to me that perhaps wtfjh was also being faced with a learning opportunity. How much did she love herself? If the "man of her dreams" comes along and leaves her in the middle of nowhere in a foreign country, unprotected and without means, will she come of out their ready to cleave his skull in two pieces with a machete and go on with her life, or will she continue to tolerate what seems to be deliberate cruelty on his part? Do you have to do more than pray for or visualize that soulmate? Do you have to earn him/her by prevailing over sorrow and grief and hurt and building yourself into a person with great self respect and wisdom, with no tolerance for bad behavior and pointless bullsh** along the way? Do you have to learn to see wolves in sheep's clothing first?

 

I heard it put this way: there are three prerequisites for having your soul mate -- you have to want him, you have to deserve him, and you have to accept him in whatever form he appears. That doesn't mean that if he appears as an a**h*** that you have to accept it. It literally means whatever human form he takes you must accept. Maybe the "deserving" and the "accepting" parts are where everyone screws up.

 

Just rambling...I'm in the dark with the rest of you!

 

KH