SushiOji Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 I cheated on my ex and expressed how remorseful I was and I how I would never do it again. We tried to work it out for a month but she was still very hurt by what I did and ended up breaking it off despite how much effort I put into trying to make it work. She is dating another man but still tells people that she is single. Her mom loves me still despite what I've done and still wants us together. My ex asks mutual friends how I am doing and I decided to do NC because I am so confused as to what to do since I am the one that screwed up and I just think that she will just never get over what I did and come back to me that there is no point in me trying to push her away anymore or to get hurt anymore if I try to go after her again. She still contacts me and asks how I am and even invited me to dinner with friends last week in which I acted like myself and kept my distance from her. I still want to be with her so much but at this point I don't know what is the best route to take and it is driving me crazy. I told her before that I can't be her friend because it is not fair to my heart but she keeps coming back to me and I try to just ignore her but then I feel like I'm an ass for what I've done. Now, however, I realize that I have to be her friend if anything will ever come of this and that I should be grateful that she is even considering talking to me. I am talking to her on a consistent basis now but she has not brought up the relationship at all so I'm kinda in a state of depression everyday because I don't know what I'm doing. I still plan on doing little things for her everyday to show how much I care for her and putting aside my ego and my pride in order to rebuild my trust which is my number one priority right now but I don't know if I should express this to her or not? Any thoughts?
an6el Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 well,,, if you want her back you have to give her time and really show her you still care and I mean show her, is by no other girls... but I'd say this.... I don't know her, so you could try this method, talk to another girl, and see how she reacts, once she sees that you either one have someone else and not all over her, she may get jealous or two forget about you. But you did say she still talks to you from time to time. So you can give it a shot... It's not like she's the only one in the world... so don't worry so much about it... I know how you're feeling. It feels like she was your missing rib and she just got yanked away... that's what I would do at least... but good luck... next time don't cheat!
nofool4u Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 I cheated on my ex and expressed how remorseful I was and I how I would never do it again. We tried to work it out for a month but she was still very hurt by what I did and ended up breaking it off despite how much effort I put into trying to make it work. Then leave her alone. Her mom loves me still despite what I've done and still wants us together. It doesn't matter what her mom wants, it matters what she wants. And she already tried and realized she isn't going to get your cheating out of her head and can't trust you. She still contacts me and asks how I am and even invited me to dinner with friends last week Well now she is the one disrespecting the new guy she is dating. I am talking to her on a consistent basis now but she has not brought up the relationship at all so I'm kinda in a state of depression everyday because I don't know what I'm doing. I still plan on doing little things for her everyday to show how much I care for her and putting aside my ego and my pride in order to rebuild my trust which is my number one priority right now but I don't know if I should express this to her or not? Any thoughts? Yes, what she is doing is not fair to the current guy she is with. And you trying to weasel your way back in isn't fair to him either, which I realize you could probably give a crap. So maybe you should tell her that the contact you are having is not fair to the other guy and just flat out tell her she needs to sh*t or get off the pot. If she isn't going to ever get back with you, then she needs to quit disrespecting this new guy. And if she thinks there might be a chance, she needs to let the new guy go.
KungFuJoe Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 Leave her alone. Seriously. You will only end up hurting the both of you. I did the whole cheated on my ex then tried to win her back. I went through two years of hell, broke up the relationship she had after me, thought about suicide...after two years I finally won her back. We broke up a month later. But I imagine you will do what you want to do regardless of what anyone else says here. Not a knock on you...just that I know what you're going through and how hard it is to just let them go especially when you feel you OWE it to them to make it up. Believe me, you owe her NOTHING except to let her go, have her life back and move on. Cheating is a HUUUUUGE deal and even if you did get her back, the relationship is forever damaged. Next time, think about that before you cheat. Not trying to judge you and remember I did the same thing so I know better now.
Author SushiOji Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 I appreciate the replies, I can't just let her go because we still share an apartment and we will be having another year of graduate school together. I will continue to show her how much I care about her, should I bring up the dating and find out if she is single or will that come off as pushy/jealous?
nofool4u Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 I will continue to show her how much I care about her Well, then if she ends up falling for your bunk, and treating this new guy like a piece of crap then I guess she deserves whatever heartache you will throw her way. Because she'll never forget. So if she is fooled into coming back to you, she will dog this other guy, then she will deserve being with someone she can't trust. should I bring up the dating and find out if she is single or will that come off as pushy/jealous? Do what you want.
Professor X Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 I appreciate the replies, I can't just let her go because we still share an apartment and we will be having another year of graduate school together. I will continue to show her how much I care about her, should I bring up the dating and find out if she is single or will that come off as pushy/jealous? The selfishness from your posts makes my head melt. 1
Author SushiOji Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 The selfishness from your posts makes my head melt. How so? I don't mean to sound selfish my head is just a mess and I don't know how to handle the situation since I've never cheated before. All I care about is her being happy whether she is with me or not.
nofool4u Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 How so? How do you sound selfish? She broke up after getting back with you because she thought she could handle the fact you cheated. She decided she couldn't. So instead of honoring her wish, you, for your own selfish end, are not going to leave her alone. Also, she is dating someone. It is selfish for you to try to needle your way back in.
Author SushiOji Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 She actually never asked me to leave her alone. I went NC so I could try to move on but she keeps contacting me and even comes over to see me sometimes. This is why I'm confused because I feel it would be easier if she just wanted nothing to do with me anymore and find someone better if she thinks that she can't get over what I did but her actions show otherwise?
nofool4u Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 She actually never asked me to leave her alone. She doesn't have to. You two broke up because of your cheating, she got back with you because she thought she could deal with what you did to her, she was wrong, and broke up with you realizing she can't trust you. Sometimes someone shouldn't have to spell it out. I went NC so I could try to move on but she keeps contacting me and even comes over to see me sometimes. Then she is disrespecting the guy she is with now and you two deserve each other. Hopefully she leaves this other guy and quits playing him for a fool. I'm sure he deserves better.
2sunny Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 I appreciate the replies, I can't just let her go because we still share an apartment and we will be having another year of graduate school together. I will continue to show her how much I care about her, should I bring up the dating and find out if she is single or will that come off as pushy/jealous? You asked for advice - then you don't listen/take the advice given. There's no way to help if you don't intend to change things. You can't change HER - only YOU!
Author SushiOji Posted June 20, 2012 Author Posted June 20, 2012 You asked for advice - then you don't listen/take the advice given. There's no way to help if you don't intend to change things. You can't change HER - only YOU! This it true, I've been reading books about infidelity in order get a better understanding of what pain I caused her as well as why I did what I did and to ensure that I never do it again in the future. I never want to put anyone through this type of pain again, I disappointed her, my family, her family, and most of all myself. So are you guys saying I should just tell her to stop contacting me/hanging out all together and that she will be happy with someone who doesn't cheat on her? What if she wants to give me a second chance down the road?
samsungxoxo Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 So are you guys saying I should just tell her to stop contacting me/hanging out all together and that she will be happy with someone who doesn't cheat on her? What if she wants to give me a second chance down the road?Yeah I think you should start from scratch again with a new girl and continue going NC as it's really not fair for her new bf. Even if she were to give you a second chance, would you be ok with the relationship never being the same again? I sure wouldn't and at some point would be tired of the distrust issue and constant arguing because she will bring it up whenever something triggers it......no one really forgets about getting cheated on. Secondly, do you honestly respect people that take back someone that cheated? To be taken back means they accepted your behavior and that at some point they can't rub it in your face anymore. It kind of means they don't really have set boundaries of what are unacceptable actions. Lastly, you two don't have children nor are legally bonded so why complicate yourself?? Just move on and simply learn from this. Don't cheat on the next girl.
2sunny Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 Honoring HER R with her new boyfriend is what's right. Stop distracting her. Sop thinking that she SHOULD want you back - because THAT would mean she's not healthy. Learn how to NOT need that ego feed in yourself = the one that makes you justify cheating in your future. If you EVER think you're needing to cheat again - break up FIRST! Be honest with your gal. Proper order is key.
Author SushiOji Posted June 20, 2012 Author Posted June 20, 2012 Thanks for all the insight, I will leave her alone with her new man. I forgot to mention that this was not an ongoing affair I was having all I did was make out with a girl one night but I never told her because I was too much of a coward to confront her about it. Is that something someone would not be able to get over in time?
nofool4u Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 Thanks for all the insight, I will leave her alone with her new man. I forgot to mention that this was not an ongoing affair I was having all I did was make out with a girl one night but I never told her because I was too much of a coward to confront her about it. Is that something someone would not be able to get over in time? That depends on her. I'm sure over time she could get over it, but she'll never forget it. And even if she got over it, it doesn't mean she won't resent you from time to time about it. She will have triggers.
samsungxoxo Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 Thanks for all the insight, I will leave her alone with her new man. I forgot to mention that this was not an ongoing affair I was having all I did was make out with a girl one night but I never told her because I was too much of a coward to confront her about it. Is that something someone would not be able to get over in time?That was all?? Then I'm thinking there might have been other issue in the relationship and your cheating just added more to it..... maybe she wanted out from a while ago too.
Author SushiOji Posted June 20, 2012 Author Posted June 20, 2012 That was all?? Then I'm thinking there might have been other issue in the relationship and your cheating just added more to it..... maybe she wanted out from a while ago too. I'm not sure, this girl was a friend of hers though and she goes to school with us too, I think I just made her look like a giant fool in front of so many people. She already knows that I never have any plans of speaking to this girl again.
Author SushiOji Posted June 20, 2012 Author Posted June 20, 2012 Also I don't know if it's the cheating or the lying I did when she confronted me about it and ending up hearing what happened from the other girl instead of myself.
Leigh 87 Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 Your young and still studying... although you might have become attached and formed a bond - you are too young to try to fix a damaged relationship! Cheating destroys the most stable of relationships - even just kissing or being blinde drunk and having a girl come on to YOU and not be able to control it - any inclination of cheating in any relationship, normally is not something that feels " right" again. At your age, I really would not bother trying to save this relationship.Chalk it up to experience, and do not make the same mistake with the next girl. Hey - lesson learnt, right! Lesson being: after cheating, the relationship is never the same
Author SushiOji Posted June 21, 2012 Author Posted June 21, 2012 Thanks for the help, she actually called me today crying about a mistake she made at work and I of course comforted her and told her it was going to be ok. It will be so hard for me to cut her off but I feel like that is the best course of action if we can't try again.
2sunny Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 Thanks for the help, she actually called me today crying about a mistake she made at work and I of course comforted her and told her it was going to be ok. It will be so hard for me to cut her off but I feel like that is the best course of action if we can't try again. Oh brother. You're now her shoulder to cry on? Why not tell her to cry her pity party to her new BF?
Author SushiOji Posted June 21, 2012 Author Posted June 21, 2012 Now she wants to come over for dinner and some wine...
nofool4u Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 Now she wants to come over for dinner and some wine... Then tell her to do right by the guy she is dating and break it off with him. He deserves better than someone sneaking behind his back.
Recommended Posts